The Bitterest Loser

/ bensbitterblog
laying on the couch of

Laying on the couch of relaxation. 

Sunday is usually the day for me to lie down on favorite place in the world. The couch.  But my little sanctuary, my safe bitter place from all the world, was very rudely interrupted when one of the essentials of couch dwelling was missing.  The very thing that keeps me from moving the most was gone. The remote control was missing.

Just try to get to a customer service rep.

The journey would not be an easy one.

I called my search and rescue team and we got to work, scouring the world.  We combed the Bedroom Forest, looking through its vast treehouses and the mystical undergrounds of the Under Bed, climbed the highest mountains including the most treacherous Laundry Peak, and even the deepest darkest Closet Caves.  Just as it looked the most bleak and we would be lost in the seas of having to change the channel, gasp, manually, we found respite in the Kitchens of Mordor.  We scrounged for food in the Pantry Fields, and luckily we came upon some Golden Graham Honeycombs and some Darigold Cows that we milked for just enough sustenance to make it another few minutes.

Searched the trecherous cow fields

Searched the treacherous cow fields..

Then, after carving down some words of bitterness and demotivation on the ancient golden plates of Ben’s Bitter Blog in hopes that someday someone might read of the adventures of the Lost Remote, I had my high speed Wi-fi messengers run to the center of the world, the World Wide Web.  A small cult of followers might find the words on Reader or the Email and spread the word, possibly even causing the words to cause a virus which would spread across the World…Wide Web.

I take my recliner everywhere.

I take my recliner everywhere.

Exhausted, I sat down on the Chair of Reclining, but all was not right.  As I pulled the Lever of Lean Back, the Chair of Reclining would not fully recline.  Something was preventing it from doing its job of making me comfortable.  I stood up in an outrage, saying, “What is the meaning of this!” when the object of blocking fell down.

“The remote control!” I proclaimed.  “The prodigal son has come home! Let us have a celebration! Let us killed a fatted calf!”

The others proclaimed, “Actually why don’t you just lay on the couch and we will use the remote like we wanted to before!”

“Alright great idea!” I proclaimed back.

*******

We later went to the Church of the Worship.  As we were leaving, I felt my shoulder for the satchel of which contained the Tablet of Computations and Wallet of Money.  My gut dropped to my stomach.  The satchel was not on my shoulder.  Back to the Church of Worship!!!

ARRRRRRGGGGHHHHHH

Bitter Loser Ben

18 thoughts on “The Bitterest Loser”

  3. I once lost my remote control. It only took one time to ensure it would never happen again. And after years of therapy and counseling I have been able to pretty much forget the horror of that moment…when I forgot my remote.

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  4. You are a brave man indeed….to have left the safety and comfort of your couch to embark in such a harrowing journey. By the way, I am making it a point to come to your house every weekend and hide something new so be prepared with extra pizza and nap breaks. You’ll need them.

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