From: Bitter Ben(bitterben@bitterben.com)
Bitter Entertainment Network(BEN) Staff,
As you know I hate meetings with the burning hatred of a thousand hot lava showers, and you hate them like the burn of the Insanity workout, so I’m going to give you information in this email that would have taken 2 hours to do in a meeting. As you know, or don’t know (Carl, I’m talking to you. Pay attention, you meathead!) the 600th post is coming up and I need some ideas. The last 550 have been pretty weak and people are starting to notice. This is starting to reflect badly on me, and you know I need things to reflect bitterly on me. So, here’s the deal. Since you idiots can’t come up with post ideas, I’m holding open post auditions. Get them to me soon, because I need a post idea by Thursday.
Bitterly,
Your Bitter Boss Ben
Open Post Auditions
Auditioner 1 : Hi. I’m Reverse Psychology Bitterness…And can I just say…love your blog. In fact, I think you should take it global. It is phenomenal. In fact, it is so great, you probably don’t want me to be the 600th post. I’m pretty terrible.
BB: Hey, dude, come on. You aren’t so bad. I mean, look how much you really like my blog and …Wait a minute…
RPB: I know, I know, you should totally be mad at me for trying to trick you..
BB: I’m not mad. Come on, how could I be mad at you? At least you admitted…Dang it! Again! Get out of my sight!
RPB: I know, I totally don’t blame you for wanting to get rid of me.
BB: OUT!
To my post casting director: Put this guy back in the drafts…the old forgotten drafts from 2012. Now get me some better post ideas or I will filet you! Bitter Stare.
Auditioner 2: Hi, I’m Spoiler Warning Bitterness. Don’t you love how the Bruce Willis is dead from the very beginning in the Sixth Sense? And Darth Vader as a father? How can he be a father taking his kids out to play when he is breathing so heavy. Maybe instead of using the force he should use a respirator. And the Lego Movie don’t you love how the whole thing is….
BB: Um, you are ruining everything. And you know the best part of the Lego movie? When I finally got that stupid song out of my head. Last week..
SWB: And HYDRA and S.H.I.E.L.D are—
BB: Stop….
SWB: Ohandtheendofthepost,youaren’tgoingtodecideonanything.
BB: Get this girl out of here! Put her in Junk Mail! You better bring me something good CS, or you are going to be get sliced more than sliced bread.
Casting Director: My apologies your Bitterness, (rolls his eyes)..here’s the next post auditioner.
Auditioner #3: Hey, I am Bitter Gestures and have I got some gestures for you….
BB: Don’t even think about it…On the other hand, I have some Gestures for you. My fist, swinging wildly at your face, my index finger doing the throat slashing move, my closed fist with a thumb faced outward gesturing what the direction in which you should head if you know what is good for you.
BG: Wait I have some more for you before I leave…
BB: Use the *&@! keys on that post now! You over there. How do you feel about being my new Post Casting Director? No? Fine. I don’t need one. Who’s next!
Auditioner #4: BITTER BATTLECRIES HERE! GET TO THE BOAT! FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS! MAKE THE MOST OF EVERYDAY! WHEN LIFE GIVES YOU LEMONS, MAKE LEMONADE! LIVE LOUD! JUST DO IT! NEVER GIVE UP, NEVER SURRENDER!
BB: OKAY DUDE! Your cliches are hurting my ears almost as much as your loud, obnoxious voice. How about you step a little to the left…Little more… Back a little. There. Now, one last Battlecry for me. Ready for it? Repeat after me. I’M FALLING DOWN A BOTTOMLESS PIT OF RUN ON SENTENCES! I WILL NEVER LAND EVER! I WILL HAVE TO LOOK AT BAD SENTENCE STRUCTURE AND MISSPLELLINGS FOREVER!
BBATTLE: OKAY! GREAT! SO I’M STILL AUDITIONING! YES! I FEEL LIKE YOU REALLY GET ME! OKAY, “I’M FALLING DOWN..
BB: Oh wait, not quite yet. Someone bring me my remote. (Waits impatiently.) Oh for goodness sakes, it’s right there! You have no idea how bitter you are making me right now! I just had to reach an uncomfortable amount of inches to reach my remote! (I hit the switch to the bottomless pit.) Okay, now go!
BBATTLE: I’M FALLING DOWN INTO THE BOTTOMLESS PIIIIITTT!!!!!!
BB: Correction. You are falling into the Bottomless PIIIITTT. Four I’s not 5. Well, he wasn’t getting it anyways. Put him NEXT!
Auditioner #5: A woman carrying a purse with the strap on her right arm, hanging to the left, another purse on the left hanging to the right, a backpack on her back, a rolling suitcase with a handle in one, a baby seat and another huge suitcase with no handle. Hi, My name is…
BB: And what pray tell kind of post are you? Let me guess. You’re going on vacation for a couple of days. Oooh Burn!
AD#5: Actually, I’m Bitter Baggage. I carry way too much burden and that makes me…
BB: Lady, we all carry a little burden. Did you see how I just had to reach for the remote? Do you have any idea how much strain that can put on a guys arm?
BIBA: So sorry sir, it’s just I have three jobs, and my mother is in the hospital, and my roof caved in and my car has no engine-
BB: I’m sorry, did you just say blah, blah, blah? My stomach and I were having a much more interesting conversation about how my pizza hasn’t arrived. It hasn’t had something to eat since you started talking, so you’ll forgive me for not caring what you just said. Please though, continue your boring story.
BIBA: I don’t ask much sir, just a few bitter words mentioned in your next post, or even just a like on my comment would mean the world to me.
BB: Are you still here? I couldn’t hear you over my parenthetical asides. I’ll get you a car trunk that you can ride in the back of with all the other sob stories. ANYONE ELSE? This is getting ridiculous! Alright, cancel the 600th post. No one can seem to get me interested in a post that is anywhere worthwhile….
Bitter Mom: Um, excuse me son. What is all the racket here in your Blog room?
BB: Nothing mom. Just doing my blogwork.
BM: Well you need to keep it down. And you better get washed up for dinner. We’re having Brownies and Cake!
BB: No mom, I don’t want anything sweet! You know how I like everything bitter!
BM: Sorry son, you haven’t done your 600th blog post yet, so until you get that done, you’re not getting anything bitter for dinner.
BB: Please, not even anything for desert?
BM: Get your post done, or no desert.
BB: Fine. But I’m not choosing any of these posts ideas. They’re all make me so bitter…Dang it.. that stupid Spoiler Warning girl was right!
ARRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHH
Bitter Auditions Ben
my chiropractor always says he expects me to say :i see dead people. speaking of lemonade,when someone offers you sweet tea vodka lemonade & you say no..then when they get back in the pool,you say is that 1 or 3 & then don’t say oh i’ll have lemonade…last wed. i did that, b/c my brain is so slow
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Yeah, Lemonade…so good. Chiropractor, would be great too.
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oh yeah you need both of those
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Or Cherry Limeade, but no one sells that anymore.
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maybe in another country..can you make your own cherry limeade
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It might be worth moving to another country to get some. I guess I could do my own cherry limeade, but I would have to figure out the ingredients.
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we are talking about moving to another country…”darling would ypu like to go to the south of france or switzerland or ;ondon or india or i forgot the others, but france is warm in the winter, so that sounds best…apparently the black smog in london could kill a healthy person,so that’s not good
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Well, if another country will help you feel better and it isn’t backwards like South Carolina, maybe you should. I’m not sure where I would go, but maybe Italy because of the food, or Scotland because I have ancestors from there?
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oh yeah i forgot.. apparently scotland is cold…but ut sounds great…they have this place there for artists and they have all natural new age things and solar houses with no chemicals
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Scotland is cold? Well that is bad news. My ancestors came from there. I guess that is why I’m so bitter. It runs in the family.
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if it wasn’t cold i could live there at fiend hall .i have no idea how you spell that…were you invaded by the normandy’s in 1036 in scotland
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I have no idea. But if you go there, look up my ancestors or relatives or something. They will be Gardner’s.
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okay i will look them up..
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They aren’t hard to miss. They are pretty bitter.
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i am pretty bitter.. i just heard a loud crash & the tea kettle, well i turned on the wrong eye & a pyrex thingy blew up & it’s everywhere in the kitchen & it was hot & i burned my finger
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I burned my finger trying to make grilled cheese for my kids.
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you have to be careful
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Sometimes I am. Other times, I am just plain sloppy.
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are you s;pp[y joe?
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Yep, I’m a sloppy joe.
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i’m starvin marvin
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Reminds me of those Garbage Pail Kids I collected when I was a kid.
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did they eat pizza
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Not sure, but I only do on days that end in y.
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me too i wonder y that is
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Cause we are just really consistent in our pizzaing.
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consistency is the key to pizzaing and cheese
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Actually, maybe I’m an expert at pizza too.
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yes you are the top expert on pizza. i am a spinach and feta maker expert
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I’m the topping expert on pizza and pepperoni is the best and smartest one.
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How about the hype people create with certain novels and music artists. Pretty good material to be bitter about.
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You are hauntingly close to what I ended up choosing to write about on my 600th. Are you sure you aren’t reading my thoughts?
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Great bitter minds think alike
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Yeah, we do.
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Speaking of books and movies that are over-hyped, my newest post discusses Twilight and it’s newest addition. https://ramexabella.wordpress.com/2015/10/07/new-twilight/
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I heard about that. Isn’t it Twilight, but changed Bella to a boy and Edward to a girl? What the what? Apparently, she needs some money or something.
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Ya Twilight is now gender-swapped.
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That sounds like not a good idea. How about coming up with a better book instead.
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True.
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How about a lack of paint colors at Home Depot or Lowes?
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My wife is currently visiting Lowes about their lack of color too! All kinds of bitter ammo!
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How about bitter men in LA! ha ha ha
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Well I am a bitter man and I was born near L.A. but I’m not single, so could I still do a post about that? Yes of course. I could do one about anything…
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Sure you can be a bitter married man in LA
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Or Near LA
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We could feel the same earthquakes as LA.
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Well as long as Pasadena counts I was a straight up single 6 year old Bitter Boy. I could write about how I ran away with my brother in our Superman and Batman jammies to the local elementary like straight up gangsters.
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Yep that counts. And I would pay good money to see that!!
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I would pay good money to see that too. I’ve devolved into way less of a gangster since then.
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Surely there’s SOMETHING you haven’t discussed before that you are bitter about. Are you bitter about cat blogs?
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That sounds like a great idea. I wonder who might have a cat blog that I could be bitter about.
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There are too many of us to choose from.
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So I will write about all of you! And all of your cats!
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You could always talk about how bitterly uninspired you are… oh wait, that’s what this post is about. Or, you could always talk about how much other bloggers annoy you, oh wait…this one too. Well, why should I give you all my bitter ideas? It’s not like you’re paying me or anything.
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Yeah, all the good ideas are taken. Time for me to retire.
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