Dear Future Ben

/ bensbitterblog
Dear Bitter Old Man...

Dear Bitter Old Man…

Hey Old Bitter Ben,

You will probably never see this because I assume you are wearing super thick glasses that only allow you to read huge billboard signs, but you won’t ever get to see those because you are stuck inside all day.  Either that or you can’t drive and can only get to the store when one of your kids takes pity and comes to visit once a year.

Just thought I would give you a heads up that I am doing things right now that are going to make you quite miserable and bitter.  Just know right now that I have a healthy appetite and by healthy I mean I don’t eat healthy but a lot.  Mostly pizza, and burgers, fries, and stuff that you can probably feel in your veins right now.  In fact, I’m gonna be killing off some cells a little bit later when I have breakfast.  Say goodbye to those cells you were hoping would still be alive today.

Right Samus?

Right Samus?

Also, I’m doing a really good job of keeping you down by not exercising.  Not only am I not exercising, but I’m proactively going out of my way to not even get good circulation throughout the day.  Sitting in a chair, and not getting up except for the most extreme emergencies like lunch, or the bathroom, and then sitting in a car for 1 1/2 hours going home, and then sitting on the couch as much as possible when I get home.

Here is some of the exercise I'm doing.

Here is some of the exercise I’m doing.

Oh, and I bet your back and knees are feeling it too.  You can mostly blame that on earlier Bitter Ben because he thought he was going to be a pro basketball player when he was younger.  So he ran around playing basketball well into his mid 30’s, thinking that the Spurs were going to pick up an aging white guy, with the 1 1/2 inch vertical and the sweet ability to not be able to dribble.  He thought he could shoot, but only when he was wide open, but not too wide open, because he would choke.  And he was a great passer when it came to be a little too fancy, when simple would have been way better.  In fact, he was trying to be awesome in a game once by chucking it behind his back, but ended up hitting his teammate in the face.  It was a proud moment his teammate would never forget, or forgive him for.  But he’s the one that made the knees sore all the time.

I have a lot of experience with pain.

I have so much experience from pain, I list it on my resume.

 

The back, well that was started at a young age of never really learning how to lift things properly.  I carry on the tradition of not taking good care of the back.  I bet you are bitterly shaking your fist at the sky right now as you are bent over not reading this.

Oh and all that post traumatic stress you are having?  Those are from us too.  They came from not getting enough sleep and watching too many things on TV and video games.  Someone news people kept trying to warn us about how those things could be hazardous to our future selves, but I wasn’t concerned.  I knew it was you that would have to pay the price, not me.

I assume you are pretty bitter having to sit around all day watching TV, and you are pretty lonely. I bet you can’t hear anything, or do anything for yourself.  I probably shouldn’t have done all these things to you.  But actually, you know what? Those things are starting to sounds pretty awesome.  You get to sit around on a couch all day? And you can’t hear other people talking? And you can’t go to work? And people have to do things for you, because you can’t do them yourself? So all those destructive things I’ve been doing have lead you to this? I think you should be thanking ME!

And I know you would if you were ever thankful for anything, but I know you are just a cranky, bitter OLD man.  Now I can’t wait to get older.  Tell me more about your oldness someday old man.  I really envy you.

Signed,

Middle Bitter Aged Ben

ARRRRRRGGGGHHHHH

Bitterly Old, but not old enough Ben

41 thoughts on “Dear Future Ben”

  1. “Tell me more about your oldness.” Lol. I may want to use this someday… Credit of course given to you. And by someday I mean like 20 years from now since I am such a young, spring chicken. Hahaha. Just kidding. I feel this way every day so I might want to use it next year.

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    • Well, if you ever get a hold of the time machine when Marty McFly comes to visit on October 21st (I know because I watched it last night) you can borrow it and go tell it to your older self. Then hop in the machine and come back, all the while doing a fist in the air and screaming “Burn!!!” to your older self.

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  3. You’d better make sure that current you has a good dental plan so old you can take full advantage of all the junk food he’ll have constant access to.

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  6. Hey, look at it this way…you are actually doing Future Ben a favor by lying on the couch all the time. If not, think of all the damage you would be doing to those poor knees and back of yours. In fact, it really barely makes sense to get up off the couch when you think about it.

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    • Once again I blew the opportunity to capitalize on a throw away line and copywrite it. Now I will never get money from this line which will probably go viral and you will get all the credit. My bitter luck!

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  9. It’s not everyday that someone looks fondly into their future in their old age! At least you can see the bright side of things.

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  10. Clearly your hoops teammate wasn’t paying attention. That’s on them, not you. They should have known from playing alongside you the pass wasn’t going to be conventional. Is that the phone ringing? San Antonio on Line 1…

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    • Yeah, people should be paying attention when I’m in the game. They should know it could be coming anytime. The Spurs are the only ones speedy enough to catch my amazingly haphazard passes. Oh and thanks for holding them on the phone for me. NBA superstardom awaits!

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