There’s a reason why I do Bitter News from the Couch. First of all, it is the weekend and where else would I be? Where else should I be? There is no excuse to ever leave the couch on a weekend. And second, how else would I be able to learn so much about the little things, if I was out doing big things? There is a whole different perspective that you can only get from the couch.
This week we learn the tragic tale of a bitter man, a pizza, and a couch and how redemption doesn’t happen for everyone. We also learn how a World Wide Day of observance becomes a localwide case of ignorage.
And as always, there is a beginning, a middle, and a bitter end. There are like a billion reasons why you shouldn’t take three and a half minutes to watch the Bitter News and make me internet famous, but there’s at least one that you should. Give me three and a half minutes to think about what that reason is while you watch it. Oh yeah, it’s because it’s freaking Sunday and what else are you doing? It’s not like there is a football game or ten on today. And I’m sure there are no brunches or naps or church services to attend to on your lazy Sunday. But imagine this. Imagine watching a program called Bitter News from the Couch, while being bitter and watching it from the couch. Talk about your Inception moment.
ARRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Bitter News From The Couch Vol. #3 Ben
Ben's Bitter Blog 
I legitimately lol’ed. No, not just lol’ed. I LOLLLLLLL’ed.
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Actually out loud? Well, don’t be afraid to check out volume 2, 1 or the movie trailer. They might at least give you a lol if not an LOLLLL.
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lol inception reference
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There’s always room for an Inception reference.
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xd
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I am overwhelmed with worry over the pizza shortage! I hope help arrives before you have to take drastic measures!
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I was able to survive the Pizza shortage of Sept. 2015, but it was a close one. I lived off the pounds of reserve that I gained from sitting around on the couch instead moving.
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You had me at “the native people of the indigenous area of the couch”. Died.
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Yeah, some of the people that lived in the indigenous area of the couch died too because of the pizza shortage. Survival of the fattest I guess.
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Let me tell you, it was a really bad idea to plug that air conditioner in while the fire was going. But, you’re right, it’s very hard to fire me, so despite the fact that my eyebrows are a bit singed, I will be back next week. Also, you know the reason I watch Bitter News From The Couch? It’s much easier than reading it myself.
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Maybe it was the air conditioner that started the fire. Regardless, you should really be more careful doing stuff while I’m trying to do the news. And maybe I can’t fire you, but I can get fire near you.
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Is this a threat? Because I can take this to whoever it is that protects employees from their employers who they are not actually employed by.
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Yeah take it to HR. I’m sure they will hear your complaint very deafly.
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Wait a minute…now you’re getting all schmancy with a bitter HR department, huh?
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Yes, we have an HR department. Hi, I’m Bitter Ben and I’m the HR department. What kind of bitter complaints do you have against me (confidential of course) so I can speak with the boss.
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Wow, this one is a little too close to reality.
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I hit a cord with your current employer huh? You wouldn’t believe how closely some of most posts are to reality too.
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No, actually the rock schools my kids go to…if you have a problem with the owners and talk to corporate, they just refer you to a web site where the complaints go…that’s right…directly back to the owners.
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Wow, your kids go to rock schools? Are Fred Flintstone and Barney Rubble teachers there?
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Yes, they also drive there with those cars where the feet go all the way through to the street.
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My wife was telling me that she was going to make me do that yesterday, because my car wasn’t working and she didn’t want to pay for it to get fixed.
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it’s really a good idea. Very energy efficient.
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It was a good idea on her side. Though my legs really hurt from the mornings commute. At least it saved us some money.
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Right, and think of the gas you’re not wasting. You, Ben, are an environmental trend setter!
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I may be more environmental for this things, but I will make up for it by punching some trees when I get home.
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Watch out for that tree hugger!
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I’ll punch that guy too.
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I’ve no doubt!
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Just so we leave no doubt.
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I suspected the situation was dire, but getting off the couch and ransacking the freezer for a frozen pizza — and one of those ones with a cardboard-thin crust, nonetheless? It’s worse than anyone could have imagined. Don’t worry — help is coming. And it’s driving an ’82 Civic with a delivery signed taped to the roof.
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I’m still waiting for the ’82 Civic to show up. I assume they are going to read my mind and deliver right? Or was I supposed to app them, or text them? Cause that seems like way too much work.
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I agree. The hope was that they would pick up on your thoughts and respond accordingly. If you app or text them, that’s going to involve finding a phone — and the whole idea was to avoid the gargantuan task of exerting effort. That’ll pretty much obliterate your weekend right there.
At this point, all hope might be lost. I’d suggest maybe trying to project your thoughts a little louder. Maybe the guy can’t hear them over the deafening roar of that Civic’s muffler? (But then again, that puts us back in the laborious position of having to leave the couch.)
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Yeah, pizza places need to be better at reading my thoughts. And they should know the exact order too!
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It’s been much too long since I’ve wandered over to your site and I’m so glad I did today. That was fantastic and the world needs more.
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Well, thanks Alanna. I’ve missed you blogging too. You still busy writing that book? I’ve been turtling mine along lately. Though they say that tortoise beat the hare in the end right?
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Lol yes, I’m still writing it. It’s actually part of an independent study class so I have to finish it by the end of the semester. That’s why I’m AWOL all the time but I try to read other’s blogs as much as I can. I’ve definitely missed the hilarity that is you. Good luck on your book as well, I’m sure you’ll beat the shit out of all the hares and it’ll be awesome
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Well, I’m glad you get to read blogs from time to time. It’s hard to keep up with them when you get busy with school, writing a book, etc. I’m probably not going to finish mine by the end of the semester, but maybe by the end of my life….
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Hahaha, well I look forward to reading it at your funeral. Make sure to set aside a signed copy for me :p
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Best part of that is that is authors are always more respected after they die. And I’m sure a signed copy will go for way more after I die!
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Exactly! I’ll sell your book and make millions haha
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I hope you do! And if it makes you millions, consider it my gift to you, one of my favorite blog friends!
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Yayy!! And you are one of my favorite blog friends as well! 😀
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