Every day is like a surprise party when I get home. Some parties not as fun as others.
There are a lot of things that annoy me as you may have already been able to deduce from one or possibly two of my other posts. If you have been able to catch that, congrats on your grasp of the obvious. You and my doctor would get along great. As you might also not be aware at all, I have a very busy job that involves doing things like typing, pushing the word print on a screen and getting up and walking all the way to the printer to pick that piece of paper up. Then I have to type other things, which makes my fingers very tired. My brain also gets tired because of it’s limited capacity to tell my other body parts to move and getting ignored. I do it because it is my job. It’s very exhausting.
When I get home from my job it is like a surprise party every day. One day, I could get home and the house will be silent because people are tired and are laying quietly watching TV. Another day, there could be six kids running around destroying furniture, planting feet mines all over the house(legos or other sharp object/toys meant to kill you by foot surprise) and causing noise levels that would make an airplane embarrassed. Many people would call ahead to find out what mayhem they were in for, but I am usually to tired to do so, and it would ruin the surprise. Who says I don’t like surprises?
So how does an introvert like me get the down time he requires? A little thing called a commute. Or as I like to call it, Sanctuary. The 45 minutes from work to home is the place where no one tells me what to do. It is the place where I listen to the music as loud as I want. It is where the texting with buddies takes place. It is where the short naps at the long lights happens. If I had OnStar I would be requesting that it bring me a large pepperoni pizza at the corner of My Time Avenue and Leave me Alone Street. It’s also where I ignore all the honking and the inappropriate fingers being tossed my way and angry words that I can’t quite hear from other drivers, because my music is too loud and we both forgot to roll down our windows. Whoops.
An actor paid to look like me while relaxing in my car on the way home.
Lately though, there has been a little snag in the sanctuary. It rains a lot here because apparently we need a little more watering than the people in Arizona. When it rains, I call upon my well paid employee, the windshield wipers. “Move the rain out of my way please.” See how I ask it nicely? Front passenger side wiper is starting to ignore me. He’s only been with the Dodge Caliber division of the Ben Bitter corporation for 5 years and already he is getting lazy. Sometimes he only works intermittently. Part of his rubber stripping is falling off and he doesn’t even care anymore. We have a dress code to uphold here. He is really making me bitter.
My wiper blades work is a little intermittent. I may have to let him go.
The work ethic of wiper blades just isn’t what it used to be. I paid like $15.00 for him once. Do they think that jobs just grow on trees? In this bad carconomy? I’ve been thinking about it more lately and I think it is just about time to let Driver Side Front Windshield Wiper go. I just think that there are more efficient wipers out there. I might even pay more for a new guy(or girl). And give them benefits. When I can find time.
Arrgghhhh
Bitter “Ben-efits” Ben
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Ben's Bitter Blog 
Well- he is old. Package him out- that`s what all the big companies do…..
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I know right? I’m guessing I will be sent packing soon too.
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I think the wipers are conspiring against us, because they only fail in my direct line of sight. I need to be either taller or shorter to see around the swath of dribbly smeared water they leave on my horizon.
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Mine have only lasted 5 years now and I refuse to let the wiper companies profit off their defective crap that only last 5 years.
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thanks for stopping by runningawayfrom49. i am on my way towards bitter so appreciate the tips. my fav part are the pics of the models depicting your bitter adventures.
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I am always glad to help people become more bitter. Visual aids always help people understand things better.
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Man, I hear you…
My commute is only 15 minutes, but it is my special time. Due to a series of logistic problems associated with visiting relatives, my father in law picked me up from work on Monday night. He talked (non-stop) the whole way home. It’s Thursday, and I’m still exhausted. Maybe also bitter.
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People just need to know that if they are going to commute with you, they can’t talk. Part of the rules.
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I enjoy your style of writing. I smiled the whole time I was reading. My experience has been that the passenger wiper blade works perfectly, while the driver’s blade misses a swath directly in my line of vision.
Thanks for stopping by 1950 Suburban Adventures and liking ‘Squishy Foot and Monkeys’.
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I am the opposite. My passenger side scrapes and screeches and makes me very bitter.
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Wow…I sooo get this. I almost ripped my wipers off in an uncontrollable rage the other day. I also get the “feet mine” aspect of life. I just stepped on a clone trooper’s helmet earlier today. Thanks for sharing and thanks for stopping by Travel Oops! Cheers.
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Who doesn’t know about the foot mines?
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Love the ‘noise levels that would make an airplane embarrassed’!
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It take a lot to embarass and airplane. I mean 50 minutes late for a flight to Los Angeles and they don’t even turn red, not even a sorry.
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First of all, let me express bitterness that you got 62 comments on wiper blades, but I’m writing about telepathic sex on my blog Spirit Head without similar results. Second, my wiper blades are quitting on me too, and there is also pollen and these weird wormy things from Live oak trees. Did you hear me? Telepathic SEX people! Clit-astrophy.
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Trust me, it baffles me too. I wrote a piece about a Bitter School and an amusement park called Bitterland, pieces that I was really excited about and got dud results. But write about socks and Wiper Blades and get astounding results. Doesn’t make sense what people can relate to. Weirdo internet.
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I was driving through Canada in January once and my wiper snapped from the weight of the snow. I had to tromp through the snow to find a gas station so I could use sign language with the francophone who ran the store so I could buy a new one. My husband was still at the car trying to figure out what had happened.
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Stop right there. You were driving in Canada in January? There is your problem right there. Might I suggest not doing that again? Sorry had to be said.
Needless to say, your husband was in a little bit of trouble for that?
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Your post reminds me of the fact that I too need to change out my wiper blades but my helper monkey died so how am I supposed to do it?! THERE ARE LIKE SCREWS INVOLVED WHY OH GOD WHY IS IT SO BCOMPLICATED.
That B isn’t a typo btw, it’s a b for bitter.
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I guess you will need to stop by your gym and find some sweaty BO filled guy that is standing over you to change them for you. Then you can repay him by going out with him on a date.
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This sounds like an AMAZING idea. and then i can write about it.
it’s like a perpetual motion machine of stupid and crazy all at the same time.
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You know I am always glad to provide bitter solutions.
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Brilliant idea, Bitter Ben-efits Ben. I once convinced a guy to come kill a cockroach in my apartment, and his payment was that he had the honor of taking me out to dinner and paying for a fancy meal. Totally WIN-win (big win for me, little win for him)!
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Now that is some skills. You know how to work it. By the way, total win for him because in your presence for an evening.
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Ha. You’re the best. It would have been even more of a win for him if you had been there because it would be like built-in entertainment (bitter comedy) at our very own table!
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You have no idea how little of entertainment I am in real life. I’m just entertaining when I type words. You on the other hand, so much so that you have dates ALL. THE. TIME.
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LOL!!! …sad but true (about me, not you)!
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You just have the phenomenal Aurora about you, that just drives people to want be around you. I have that opposite end of a magnet aura about me that drives people away.
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Hahaha… yours is more beneficial for those of us who are bitter and want everyone to leave us alone. This is me with boys: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OpAehE_bbkc
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This may have been one of the first cat videos I’ve ever watched. And I love that you are constantly batting them away, but you shouldn’t have to. Boys should be better around you. They should know better. But also funny that you like to be pet on the head at first.
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Yes…. I like being petted 🙂
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You are funny. And such a princess. In the good sense of the word of course.
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Pingback: 40 reasons to be Bitter | Ben's Bitter Blog
My wiper blades regularly get laid off and replaced, but the replacements still scream and squeal at me every time I ask them to work.
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It sounds like the whole wiper blade industry needs an overhaul.
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it’s worse when they squeak.
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They squeak all the time and it drives me up the wall.
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Commute – so true. I could get the train to work but instead I drive and pay for parking just to avoid the annoying members of the general public on the way to and from the office who would only irritate me further after already being tired from working so hard (we seem to share similar tasks). I only live with my cat so I guess my house isn’t exactly a surprise or anti-sanctuary ever, so I don’t really know what I’m complaining about but either way yay for not being annoyed whilst in a vehicle!
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I once had to commute with someone because gas was getting so out of control. It was a nightmare because I had to talk to her and I couldn’t play my music loud or text or should would have got mad. It made me so bitter that I decided that expensive gas was worth it.
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The passenger side wiper on our car has been gone for months. I don’t need that side of the windshield so we are okay! 🙂
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It is impossible to ignore the stupid strip and loud stupid noise it makes everytime I turn on the wiper blades. Arrrgghhhh!
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Loved this one! 🙂
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I did not love my wiper blades. They made me bitter and will pay for it.
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Ahh, yes. I can relate to this! No, I don’t have a zoo or surprise party waiting for me every day at home, but I *have* had roommates and have depended on my commute for sanity! And yes, there certainly are more efficient wiper blades out there. Annoying to deal with, but worth the initial investment of money/time! Especially if it will save your sanctuary time.
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Ah the old roommate thing. I gotta say I don’t miss them. No one better ever mess with the sanctuary!
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🙂
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Y-O-U are in process. Are’nt we all under construction?
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Like the wiper Blades I am back and forth in my construction.
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Wipers sure get a workout in the PNW. Every year mine cease to do their job. I don’t know if they make them badly or the fact that they never get a break wears them down.
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I think that they are just lazy and don’t want to work. But that is just my opinion.
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I don’t know if you should rush into getting rid of him … 5 years is a touch on the fast side to be dumping folks … don’t cha think?
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He will start earning benefits soon, so I need to let him go before he starts costing my windshield.
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🙂
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I live in Oregon, where we measure rainfall in miles per gallon: “How many gallons of rain do you think we’ll hie between here and Ninth Street? Never mind. We better changes the wipers again…” If it ever froze here like it does where you are, we’d be like an icelandic Pompei.
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We are in Seattle, where it rains almost as much as Oregon. At least it is a little warmer where you are.
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For some reason I thought you were farther east! I should have picked up on the Northwest vibe. All that damp bitterness…
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Dude, rip him out. Rip him out and replace him with someone with limited to no expectations… like a new college graduate.
I can joke about it, I am one.
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Especially when new college graduate wipers are more enthusiastic, cheaper and eager to please. In fact, perhaps some intern wipers would be an even better idea. Send these guys back to B.I.T.T.E.R. school.
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Now, now. Before you fire those guys, try a performance review, and a series of long talks with them. Apparently that’s supposed to improve output. It isn’t working on me, but my boss keeps trying.
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I hate to have to be the bad guy with these dudes, but I will definitely be the bitter boss. I am mostly too lazy to change them or fire them, so they will probably just keep being too lazy.
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I knew it. My husband always moans about his 60 minute commute. Lies! You are making me bitter about my marriage! And as for the wipers, I didnt even need to read your post I could have given you a “like” reading the title. It rains a lot here too!
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Don’t you hate how quickly the wiper blades run out? Don’t blame your husband’s commute on me. I’m just telling you how mine is. He might actually be bitter on his commute. Just sayin’.
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That “actor” paid to look like you does not look bored, he looks like he wants to stab someone with a fork! By the way, I’m all for having “TIME-OUTS”, the kids get it when they misbehave at school, but it seems like the adults need the TIME OUTS.
Stay cool dude. 😉
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Then he is reenacting me at work then. I’m a lot more chill on my drive home. I definitely need a time out. In fact, I beg for time outs most of the time, but my wife refuses because she knows I like them too much. 🙂
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Always a laugh when I need one on Ben’s Bitter Blog. Nice post.
Now, are you reading this comment while you commute? I better make sure it is adequately relaxing. Definitely don’t want infringe on sanctuary time.
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Sanctuary!! I refuse to read comments on my commute. Maybe a novel, but only a complex one that requires a lot of attention.
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Not to brag, but my wiper blades work great. The problem is that they are LOUD. Every swish across the windshield sounds like a very loud — well, maybe they just ate too many beans if you know what I mean.
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Mine are also very loud. Another reason to fire them.
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HAHA, that was awesome. Fucking stupid windshield wipers who gave them the day off? I feel like I use them once a year and every year I replace them ughhhhhhhhhhhhh.
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They are really lazy in Arizona. That is why you are always firing them.
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They fall apart because of the sun… like they die or something stupid wipers.
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The sun needs to be a little more lazy if you ask me..
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The snow and ice here in Kansas requires the changing of the blades almost 3 times per year. That makes me really freakin’ bitter!
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I don’t change mine even though I should have years ago.
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I really like your posts! Your blogs are the first that I have found that entices me to read more than just a few lines or a quick poem. I love the humor–“in this bad carconomy”. Haha! Plus, your ability to subtly create sarcasm in a comical way is impressive. Well written my friend, this was a great read!
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Well you know, when I get bitter, it just flows. Little annoyances are my muse. Thanks for following my mess of a blog. Perhaps I will go and look for some poetry blogs to follow….Inspiration….
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Dear God, please stop the rain on the north west coast. Before we head north. Please.
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I think He may be the only one to be able to stop the rain here.
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As for the commute sanctuary… most days I sit in my car for an additional 5 minutes listening to music or gunning down runners and dog walkers with my eyes to avoid heading inside to face dinner, cleaning, dishes, #@$^($^*@! kind of stuff. Feel your pain Ben.
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Not gonna lie. I have sat in my car a few extra minutes and took a nap or listened to music.
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I take the train now, so my possibilities for being bitter about my wipers has gone down significantly. I hate them the most in winter when they fail to uproot ice and instead make looking through my windshield feel like I’m looking through someone’s glasses who’s legally blind.
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There’s always the train’s wiper blades. They are probably lazy and could cause an accident too.
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Mine seem to barely last one season let alone five entire years! Lol. You sir, should give that wiper blade a bonus package and a good retirement plan for its dedicated service.
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Your wiper blades should be ashamed of themselves. You just need to work those guys harder.
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lol I suppose the rain doesn’t hammer us in California too much so they are always on vacation, basking in the sun. I guess I could give ’em a little wake up call every now and then.
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Yeah, the California and Arizona wiper blades are the ones that have the easy job, for the occasional bug that gets on their window.
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” If I had OnStar I would be requesting that it bring me a large pepperoni pizza at the corner of My Time Avenue and Leave me Alone Street.”
HAHAHA! That would be the true test of customer satisfaction!
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I expect it. I pay enough for that service and that is the least amount that I expect.
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