I’m no an Anti-Dentite(yes Jerry, I’m bringing it back) but I just paid a visit to my dentist and his crew on Wednesday. And these guys and girls were all swagging around the DO (Dentist’s Office) like they owned the place (they really only own part of the place). These guys and girls think they are the baddest administrators of pain on the planet. And they may intimidate kids with their drills and their floss and their water sucking thingys, but I was not intimidated at all. “Oooh your going to give me some xrays? I’m so scared. In fact, why don’t you leave the chest plate protector off this time. Like I’m afraid of a little radiation.” They were all like, “We’re gonna give you some numbing for the pain of the drilling of these cavities”, and I’m like, “I don’t need drugs, drill on my teeth for two hours with your little bunny needles and kitty drills. I’m not afraid of your little Dentite ways.” And they were like “We’re going to floss your teeth and put some fluoride on it.” And I’m like, “OOOOh, I’m so scared.” and they were like, “Actually this shouldn’t hurt.” and I’m like “Exactly.”
The dentites”claim” they read my blog. Well, Dentites, it’s time to put your money where your perfectly teethed mouths are. I’m going to show you some gifs about how your crew operate over there and I want to see some commentage in the section below. Otherwise, I don’t believe you are the baddest Dentists, Dental Assistants, Dental Hygienists, Scheduling Coordinators, and Financial Coordinators of pain that you claim you are.
In the meantime, let’s show you how they work…
First thing they do….
…is welcome you to their incredible parking area.
Next...
…they provide a convenient way up to their 4th floor facility.
Then, they set you up…
…in a comfortable position in their waiting room while they are in a 2 hour meeting.
After waiting in the waiting room for a while..
…they ask you to trust them and come on forward, I mean back, yeah back!
And then they are like….
…wait, wait, wait, never mind, we’re not quite ready for you.
Finally, they say they are ready for you…
…and they set you up in a really comfortable chair.
Next, they put a drill in your mouth and then start asking questions…
…and you’re like….
Then, they ask…
…would you like any anesthesia?
And then….
…they start excavating…
And just when my jaw has opened 180 degrees…
…can you open a little wider please?
And then the dentist….
…steps out of his office…
and asks, “Are you feeling any pain?…
….and I’m like noooooo…uhhhhh…I’m fine….
And on the way out they hand you your bill…
…and I’m like…Gotta Go…
All the work these guys go to and still, I’m like, “So when do we get started? Oh, you’re finished? Geez, I was just getting warmed up! Well I guess if you wimps are done, you’ll need a week to recover? What, six months? Wow, I just don’t see why people are afraid of you….”
See you in six months, Dentites….
Bitter Dental Ben
Ben's Bitter Blog 
Well Ben, you pretty much summed up every single dental visit of mine as well. FULLSTOP.
Reminded me of the poem by Ogden Nash – This is going to hurt just a little bit..
*Cringe*
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You should probably take a home dental course and do it yourself. That totally couldn’t hurt at all.
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Totally. I wonder why I didn’t think of that before?
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Probably because there are no good scholarships.
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Ouch! I guess I asked for that!
Alright, here take it! Take it I say – the last laugh 😉
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I would totally do it if there were good scholarships too. MMM, probably not. I’m too lazy.
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Oh come now, we’re not that bad.
(I’m just the girl handing out the bills)
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So you’re the one that keeps making me pay when it is the insurance that should be doing it.
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It’s a complicated triad. See, we need to get paid “x” amt, but ins. only wants to pay amt “y.” That’s where you and I come in.
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Well, insurance has so much money they are Scrooge McDucking in it. They should start paying more.
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Are you ok w/ reblogs of your, er, essays?
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Heck yeah. The more promo the better for me.
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I loathe dentists. They make me want to gouge their eyes out.
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My dentist is kind of a friend and all their employees too. I just love giving them all a hard time.
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Haha! What an experience! I totally relived the trauma through your gifs.
But wait a minute! Did you say you aren’t scared of the dentist? The scary drills? The terrifying water sucker thingy? The sickly smell of anaesthetic? *shudder* … I don’t believe you for a moment!
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After I was all done with the ordeal, I actually said to the doctor, “So is that it?” It was just me pretending to be cool and all that, just like I was in this post. But in the end, I was super weird to be scratching my itching face and not being able to feel it.
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I hate that feeling… It feels like your face doesn’t belong to you anymore… Strange, very strange!
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Yeah. And the worst part is I kept feeling something stuck on my teeth (I thought it was the fluoride) and it figured out finally that it was part of the rubbery dam they put in your mouth. UGGGHHH!
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That trust fall gif…I’ve seen it before but it makes me laugh every time.
I hate the dentist so much! With a passion. The last time I was the dentist I was informed I had a root canal. It was the saddest moment of my life and then dealing with the root canal was the most uncomfortable/painful.
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Yeah, that trust fall is pretty great. I just let the pain go. I just take the drugs, endure the pain for a little bit, then go on eating like a pig like I normally do.
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I think it’s not even so much the pain. Cause the Novocaine really does numb everything but it’s just so uncomfortable getting work done. And the drilling noise! I cannot take the noise at the dentist.
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Yeah, the noise sounds like they are cutting people open. And that drill on your teeth sounds like they are building a house with the saws and the cutting of wood and steel…
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And then they tell you, “I’m not really a licensed dentist”. Oh wait, that’s just me.
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So you do dental work in your spare time? That sounds like so much fun!
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It is! Did you ever see Little Shop of Horrors?
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Yes, and I thought it was the most boring movie ever. The only thing I remember was Rick Moranis was in it and a huge plant.
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Yeah, you don’t really seem like a musical enthusiast to me. I was hoping it might conjure up Steve Martin’s role as the dentist. That’s really how I learned.
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You got that right. Musicals are the wurst. I saw Evita and I kept wondering when they were going to say an actual word instead of sing it. Now a movie like Scott Pilgrim where instead of breaking out in song, they break out in fights, that I can get used to.
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Hmmm…I never saw Scott Pilgrim. Anything like West Side Story (imagining Ben’s face going beet red with rage…right before he shrugs it off and fall asleep.
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Your son would probably love Scott Pilgrim and of course you wouldn’t because it is awesome.
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Of course.
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There may still be hope for you, but only if you watch that movie.
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No, there’s no hope for me. I’m quite certain. I can watch the movie, but I’m telling you, the outlook is bleak.
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It is pretty bleak. You should probably just give up right now. Thankfully there is a brightly bitter future for you son.
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He does give me hope, you know, in that glass half empty kind of way.
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My glass is fully empty, so if you need help teaching him full bitter, I can train him.
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Wow, that is quite an honor. You know, I’ve been doing my best with him but I think he may be ready to move up in the world of bitterness. Do you offer scholarships?
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I offer the kind of scholarships that pay me. So yes, he can have a scholarship that pays me to teach him.
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Okay, so like 50 cents a day?
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Just think about it as a car or house payment.
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