Dear Dairy,

/ bensbitterblog
...until they forget how to drink milk.

Dear Dairy, you are so misunderstood. 

Dear Dairy,

I know you are all about choices, but let’s  just stop pretending that Skim and 1% should even exist. (At 1% you might as well drinking watered down water.) Let’s just start with 3 and 4%, then go to whole.  Or we could skip all those and start with Half and Half (doesn’t that just equal whole? I don’t know. I’m not a math wizard.) then move to cream.  Because cream really takes the cake.  And by taking the cake, I mean it makes the cake…better.  Sure eggs and sugar, and flavoring will always try to take the credit, but you dissolve the sugar and salt.  You hydrate the dry ingredients.   And you might not get along with oil, but at least you aren’t having bitter fights to the death like and water and oil do.

Oil vs. Water fight!

Oil vs. Water fight!

It must make you so bitter when people are so intolerant of you.  To see the protests and the chaos in the streets of people’s stomach’s, must just be so disheartening. All you are doing is trying to prevent oreoporosis and build strong bones but the stomach just seems to get so upset about it. Trust me, I can relate.  There is such a prejudice against Bitterness in this country. Everyone thinks we shouldn’t hold grudges and we should just move past things, and we should put on rose colored glasses, whatever that means.  What is so wrong about just having anger and disappointment about how you’ve been treated? Can we just let someone hold a grudge for 30 years over something little without being told we have to move on?  I swear.  Some people.  But enough about me.  It must be really hard for you not to get bitter when people would rather drink Silk or Almond Milk.

If it wasn’t for you, pizza would just be tomato paste, bread and some weird pineapple, Canadian Bacon and anchovie combo that only hipsters would tolerate.  If it weren’t for you, Mac and Cheese, would just be Mac, pasta would just be passe, and the Sausage McMuffin would just be a Sausage and a Muffin.

Thanks for being my motivational speaker, pizza.

Thanks for being my motivational speaker, pizza.

I appreciate you protecting my lazy bones from being broken.  I might not use my bones for large portions of the day, but at the precise moment I need them, they might feel sore, but at least they aren’t breaking.  If I tried to milk(pun ALWAYS intended) the calcium from other things, I would just have to taste gross things even more.  1 cup of milk, or 2 1/2 cup of Broccoli?  I’d vote for you as the president over that shady Trump haired broccoli any day.

Can you imagine trying to eat donuts without you? Or warm chocolate chip cookies? Or the worst thing ever without milk, Oreos? I don’t know about the other signs of the apocalypse, but if Oreos dropped from the skies without milk, you might as well tuck into the fetal position, because you are just going to have to ride out your last few minutes on this earth, because it is OVER.  And there won’t even be the comfort of a warm glass of milk to make the nightmares go away.

Correct.

Correct.

Good talk, Dairy.  Maybe we should talk again sometime.  Or not.  Because you can’t talk.  You are dairy.  And you come from cows.  And cows are kind of gross and stuff.  But keep making cheese! I can’t live without cheese.

ARRRRRRRGGGGGHHHH

Bitter “Dear Dairy” Ben

65 thoughts on “Dear Dairy,”

  2. At first I thought it was Dear Diary, and i got the idea to do something titled dear Dairy – no idea what it’d be about, just a really catchy title. Then I looked again, saw it was Dairy, and my Grammar Police alarm went crazy. Then I clicked the link (email, doesn’t show the images with the milk, you see) and read the post, and it has changed my life.
    I’ve never given much thought to milk beyond Oreos and cows that haunt my dreams, so I never took the time to thank milk for pizza.
    Following this new information, I set out to see what else I had milk to thank for, and I found out that milkshakes ALSO contain milk! Who knew?
    Go, Dairy.
    Wonder what else I’m missing.

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  4. So funny! My husband and I were both raised on powdered milk and it is a serious rage issue for us. Whole milk or nothing we say! Fat is soon going to be fashionable again.

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  6. Here’s the good and the bad, Ben:

    I drink 1% lactose-free milk.
    But I eat hard cheese.
    I ate a ham and egg muffin this morning, no cheese.
    But I splurged on a seldom-eaten mac and cheese last Saturday.
    My gastric system doesn’t tolerate ice cream much these days.
    But I throw caution to the wind once in a while and eat a cup of mint Oreo custard.
    I eat cheeseless pizza.
    But I drink a good ale with it.

    I don’t know whether to be bitter or not about all of this. What do you think?

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  7. Cow juice can been a tricky subject for folks to talk about these days—as opposed to in days past. But, by avoiding the subject altogether, there can never be a constructive dialogue about it. Ben (may I call you bitter?), I admire your being willing to start the ball rolling on the conversation, by doing this post. I myself approached the New York Times about addressing the problem some years ago. They said I’d never work again! Can you believe that? I almost took them up on the offer, but then I thought—maybe they were suggesting I might find myself on employment instead of becoming independently wealthy as a result of doing a piece on the topic of cow juice. So I chose to avoid the piece altogether. I love your courage!

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  8. I almost skipped this one because at first I thought it said Dear Diary and I already never read that like a hundred times when i found your key in the most obvious place which is in the cookie jar with the Oreos that I never ate and that’s because you were out of milk that’s why and I didn’t just eat them anyway cause, you know, I just didn’t okay…and, by the way, maybe that’s why I have oreoporosis.

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  9. Confession time: I’m not a big fan of milk. I’ll put a little in my cereal but the though of drinking milk straight makes me want to gag. But I’m down with all other types of dairy. A pizza without cheese is just wrong.

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  11. So I start reading this, and then I laughed so hard I nearly spilled the bowl of Wheaties with Silk Almond Milk that I just happened to be eating. Yes, almond milk. I kid you not. You must be psychic.

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