Dear Dairy,
I know you are all about choices, but let’s just stop pretending that Skim and 1% should even exist. (At 1% you might as well drinking watered down water.) Let’s just start with 3 and 4%, then go to whole. Or we could skip all those and start with Half and Half (doesn’t that just equal whole? I don’t know. I’m not a math wizard.) then move to cream. Because cream really takes the cake. And by taking the cake, I mean it makes the cake…better. Sure eggs and sugar, and flavoring will always try to take the credit, but you dissolve the sugar and salt. You hydrate the dry ingredients. And you might not get along with oil, but at least you aren’t having bitter fights to the death like and water and oil do.
It must make you so bitter when people are so intolerant of you. To see the protests and the chaos in the streets of people’s stomach’s, must just be so disheartening. All you are doing is trying to prevent oreoporosis and build strong bones but the stomach just seems to get so upset about it. Trust me, I can relate. There is such a prejudice against Bitterness in this country. Everyone thinks we shouldn’t hold grudges and we should just move past things, and we should put on rose colored glasses, whatever that means. What is so wrong about just having anger and disappointment about how you’ve been treated? Can we just let someone hold a grudge for 30 years over something little without being told we have to move on? I swear. Some people. But enough about me. It must be really hard for you not to get bitter when people would rather drink Silk or Almond Milk.
If it wasn’t for you, pizza would just be tomato paste, bread and some weird pineapple, Canadian Bacon and anchovie combo that only hipsters would tolerate. If it weren’t for you, Mac and Cheese, would just be Mac, pasta would just be passe, and the Sausage McMuffin would just be a Sausage and a Muffin.
I appreciate you protecting my lazy bones from being broken. I might not use my bones for large portions of the day, but at the precise moment I need them, they might feel sore, but at least they aren’t breaking. If I tried to milk(pun ALWAYS intended) the calcium from other things, I would just have to taste gross things even more. 1 cup of milk, or 2 1/2 cup of Broccoli? I’d vote for you as the president over that shady Trump haired broccoli any day.
Can you imagine trying to eat donuts without you? Or warm chocolate chip cookies? Or the worst thing ever without milk, Oreos? I don’t know about the other signs of the apocalypse, but if Oreos dropped from the skies without milk, you might as well tuck into the fetal position, because you are just going to have to ride out your last few minutes on this earth, because it is OVER. And there won’t even be the comfort of a warm glass of milk to make the nightmares go away.
Good talk, Dairy. Maybe we should talk again sometime. Or not. Because you can’t talk. You are dairy. And you come from cows. And cows are kind of gross and stuff. But keep making cheese! I can’t live without cheese.
ARRRRRRRGGGGGHHHH
Bitter “Dear Dairy” Ben
Oreos and Milk. Enough said. And ice cream, and cheese, and cheese again. #DairyForLife
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Nothing is better than the dairy, except maybe the pasta that tastes so good with dairy on it.
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At first I thought it was Dear Diary, and i got the idea to do something titled dear Dairy – no idea what it’d be about, just a really catchy title. Then I looked again, saw it was Dairy, and my Grammar Police alarm went crazy. Then I clicked the link (email, doesn’t show the images with the milk, you see) and read the post, and it has changed my life.
I’ve never given much thought to milk beyond Oreos and cows that haunt my dreams, so I never took the time to thank milk for pizza.
Following this new information, I set out to see what else I had milk to thank for, and I found out that milkshakes ALSO contain milk! Who knew?
Go, Dairy.
Wonder what else I’m missing.
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The whole idea for this post came from the idea that Diary and Dairy are just the a and i switched. I did that on purpose to trick people. And a few took the bait like you. So yeah me. And yeah, dairy is essential to a good pizza which I live for. Also cheese on just about anything is life. Good research figuring out that milk comes in milkshakes. I will go home and tell my wife the exciting news! I think we can all learn from Dairy.
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Sweet Baby Jeebus, that sarcasm reached out of my monitor and punched me in the face!
Yes. Cheese. Cheese on pizza, cheese on burgers, cheese on cheese, cheese on sandwiches, cheese on poems, cheese on cheese on cheese.
Dairy is inspiration.
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I major in bitterness and minor in sarcasm. If I had to do without cheese I would just start a fast where I didn’t eat anything until they brought cheese back.
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Yeah. I noticed the bitterness. Few clues here and there. Took me a while to figure it out. Unfortunately, I can’t remember how I came to the conclusion that there’s bitterness on this site. Damn my memory.
No matter.
I’ll go have a pizza and milkshake then say a prayer for all cows everywhere so they never go extinct.
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You’d be surprised how few people really know they are on a bitter site! Or really that there is any sort of sarcasm. Let’s raise a glass…of milk for cows.
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A toast to ‘moo’ forever being this planet’s theme song.
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Two hooves up!
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Wouldn’t it be the most awesome twist if all this time I’ve been hiding the fact that I’m lactose intolerant?
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Or if you revealed that you didn’t like bananas and I wasn’t really bitter?
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Highly unlikely.I don’t know about bitterness, but everybody likes bananas. It’s basic Quantum Physics. But in the very improbable case that it does happen, there’ll be that one person who will deliver a speech about facades and all that. There’s always that one person with that same speech. Every. Single. Time.
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Well most people like bananas…and only when they are juuuust ripe enough. Or way too ripe and they go into banana bread. Then they get good again.
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When they’re not ripe they’re plantain.
When they’re ripe, they’re great fruit.
When they’re too ripe they make great pudding or go into banana bread, like you said.
Combine them with the great and powerful dairy and they’re banana milkshakes.
I’m learning way more about food from this post than I thought I would
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As am I. I’m not really a fan of learning about food, more a fan of eating food, mostly pizza.
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[Meanwhile, in an alternate universe]
Pizza: As am I. I’m not really a fan of learning about people, more a fan of eating people, mostly BitterBen.
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So what you are saying is in the alternative universe, I’m the most popular food? Wow, that universe doesn’t sound very appetizing.
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It does not. Not one bit.
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Let’s go ahead and table that universe.
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‘Table’ as a verb has many meanings, so I’ll assume you meant ‘not think about it’, American.
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That is definitely what I was meaning.
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‘Murica, amirite?
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Yeah, we are a weird bunch. Are you from ‘Murica?
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Grew up watching The Sopranos and The Simpsons, so it’s like I’m from Jersey and Oregon. Does that count?
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Yeah, that counts. I never really watched Sopranos so I guess I’m not from Jersey, but I did/do watch the Simpsons a lot so I guess I’m from Washington and Oregon.
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Speaking of which, there are no skyscrapers in Washington. What’s up with that?
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There are a few in Seattle and Bellevue. Or are you talking about Washington DC?
https://www.google.com/search?q=seattle+washington&safe=off&tbm=isch&imgil=PyvtZrz_w1as5M%253A%253BskcsDc5ABHdVfM%253Bhttp%25253A%25252F%25252Fwww.royalcaribbean.com%25252Ffindacruise%25252Fports%25252Fgroup%25252Fhome.do%25253FportCode%2525253DSEA&source=iu&pf=m&fir=PyvtZrz_w1as5M%253A%252CskcsDc5ABHdVfM%252C_&biw=1920&bih=951&usg=__JDDIPQXCAiFKP_B2MovXppQ7WTU%3D&ved=0CCgQyjdqFQoTCMyZgISM2ccCFZEziAodeIgA2A&ei=N0_nVYyiHJHnoAT4kILADQ#imgrc=PyvtZrz_w1as5M%3A&usg=__JDDIPQXCAiFKP_B2MovXppQ7WTU%3D
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No. Washington Marvel.
Hahaha! Ha-ha! Ha! Haaa…haaah…
Sigh.
I’ll stop now.
My, what long links you have.
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That was just the link given.
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Broke my brain for a while there trying to make sense of it.
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I AGREE WITH THE PIZZA THING!!!
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Pizza would be so sad without cheese.
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And I’d cry all the time.
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I would too.
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So funny! My husband and I were both raised on powdered milk and it is a serious rage issue for us. Whole milk or nothing we say! Fat is soon going to be fashionable again.
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The kids these days have no idea how lucky they are to have never head of that stuff.
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I hear you. Full fat everything is my joy. I’m waiting for the day research tells me I was right all along.
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I’m not waiting around for the research. I assume everything is going to plan.
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Here’s the good and the bad, Ben:
I drink 1% lactose-free milk.
But I eat hard cheese.
I ate a ham and egg muffin this morning, no cheese.
But I splurged on a seldom-eaten mac and cheese last Saturday.
My gastric system doesn’t tolerate ice cream much these days.
But I throw caution to the wind once in a while and eat a cup of mint Oreo custard.
I eat cheeseless pizza.
But I drink a good ale with it.
I don’t know whether to be bitter or not about all of this. What do you think?
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This sounds mostly bad. We need to cure you of this lactose intolerance. Lactose has rights too. And cheeseless pizza? You might as well breathe airless air and drink waterless water. Overall, I would be pretty bitter.
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Thanks, for the response. I think. This makes me pretty sad and bitter.
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Yeah I get that a lot.
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Cow juice can been a tricky subject for folks to talk about these days—as opposed to in days past. But, by avoiding the subject altogether, there can never be a constructive dialogue about it. Ben (may I call you bitter?), I admire your being willing to start the ball rolling on the conversation, by doing this post. I myself approached the New York Times about addressing the problem some years ago. They said I’d never work again! Can you believe that? I almost took them up on the offer, but then I thought—maybe they were suggesting I might find myself on employment instead of becoming independently wealthy as a result of doing a piece on the topic of cow juice. So I chose to avoid the piece altogether. I love your courage!
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It was a pretty hard subject to tackle what with my aversion to milk at an early age, it being of the powdered variety, but I pushed through if only so I could pair my Oreo’s with something. And cheese, well that is absolutely necessary to pizza, which without, I would not have lived this long.
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Yes, necessary essentials to be sure. ;o)
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Pizza is more essential than air.
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I almost skipped this one because at first I thought it said Dear Diary and I already never read that like a hundred times when i found your key in the most obvious place which is in the cookie jar with the Oreos that I never ate and that’s because you were out of milk that’s why and I didn’t just eat them anyway cause, you know, I just didn’t okay…and, by the way, maybe that’s why I have oreoporosis.
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I was counting on people to read it that way. Because I am awesomely tricky that way. I have to be honest, I thought you of all people would see it first. I’m kind of disappointed in you and because of that, you deserve oreoporosis.
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I’m so glad that I have bitterly disappointed you today. I can only hope to do better tomorrow.
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Keep reaching for the core of the earth.
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Confession time: I’m not a big fan of milk. I’ll put a little in my cereal but the though of drinking milk straight makes me want to gag. But I’m down with all other types of dairy. A pizza without cheese is just wrong.
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Confession time for me too: I grew up having to drink powdered milk, which if you’ve never tried, don’t ever do that. It made me both hate milk and also appreciate the real milk that you get from grocery stores. Honestly I don’t drink it straight a whole lot, but I do have it with Oreos, and cookies and my cereal.
And the world would be dead to me if there was no cheese.
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I have never tried powered milk and I have no attention of ever doing so. That sounds horrible.
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It is the worst. It would make you gag and make wish you could never taste again.
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Cheese is love! Cheese is life! Awesome poem! I’ve nominated you for The Blogger Recognition Award!! Please do join in! Please do check out my newest post for more information! https://ramexabella.wordpress.com/2015/08/25/blogger-recognition-award/
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Cheese is definitely the best. I wouldn’t survive without it. And thanks for the award. It’s about time I’m recognized for all this bitterness.
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You’re getting there. 🙂
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Well you know, I’ve only been at it my whole life.
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That’s pretty awesome. You’re committed!
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That’s what my parents wish I was.
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So I start reading this, and then I laughed so hard I nearly spilled the bowl of Wheaties with Silk Almond Milk that I just happened to be eating. Yes, almond milk. I kid you not. You must be psychic.
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I am psychic, because I know when people are neglecting dairy and need to stop it. People need to tell their stomachs to stop being so intolerant of it.
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My stomach is not at all intolerant to dairy. It is intolerant to calories, American food, and cake. And anyway, almonds deserve some love, too.
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Well calories keep me alive so I happen to like them. Plus they give me a nice bit of bitter padding on my stomach.
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