Corrections are so annoying. Some people like them, so they can improve themselves and make themselves better, but I never have. First of all, why would you want to be and improve and be better when you can get angry and bitter? Second, the people doing the correcting always seem to think that they are better than you, so they dispense the “advice” to make you a better person. I think there is this mythological idea people get in their heads that a future billionaire they gave advice to 20 years before will appear on MSNBC, and tell the reporter, “20 years ago, this one person told me ‘Work Harder, Not Smarter’ and I never forgot and that is why I invented the Doggie Doo game that makes me billions.” That is a fantasyland that advice givers live in. I think that you need to become bitter in your own special way. I take personal responsibility for my bitterness and no amount of other people correcting me is going to change that. Here are some corrections you should always avoid.
Pencils with erasers – Pencils with erasers are always trying to correct something. Whether it is something you say that isn’t politically correct, or saying something mean to someone in a letter. Erasers rob you of your first instinct, which is almost always right. Just let your feelings be written out, without that eraser threatening every pencil stroke with a performance review of your writing. Let things be mispelled and don’t let erasers micromanage you.
Auto Tune – “Artists” and “singers” and “rappers” started using this in songs to disguise their disgusting voices. If I want people to hear my terrible voice, they are going to hear it and no amount of Auto Tune is going to stop that. They can take me to prison for breaking windows or other people’s ear drums, but I will never let AutoTune make my voice sound exactly like yours.
Auto correct – In the beginning, someone thought of auto correct as a good thing. They thought, “Hey, people mispell things a lot (like I have ironically mispelled mispell four times now). I’m almost 100% positive that people want to appear intelligent when they are texting other people, because texting isn’t about speedily sending someone a message. It’s more about conveying to someone how intelligent they are by making sure everything they send is 100% spelled correctly. Let’s come up with a way that totally helps them, by correcting almost every word they say.” But then it ended up backfiring by not correcting the words they say, but changing what they say. To the most embarrassing possible alternative. Because it’s important that texts never be misunderstood. They won’t ever ruin relationships. Or cause any misunderstandings. Or embarrass people in front of their family or friends.
That correction tape stuff – So you finally graduated from pencil to pen. But pens can’t be erased. What are you going to do? Well you’re going to make mistakes, genius. If you don’t have mistakes hanging over your head, how will you be bitter? But some greedy person working at Universal or Post-It or Bic decided that yes we can correct pen mistakes. We’ll create this correction tape, where we can slide this white tape over your errors and no one will ever know that you made a mistake. It totally won’t draw attention to your obvious error.
Parents/teachers/mentors – Let’s give these geniuses all kinds of power to correct other people’s mistakes because “they have been there,” or “they are experts in their craft” or “they know some stuff”. Oh so a parent has been there, so they know what it was like to be a kid. But they don’t know how it was to be you. No one will. They don’t know how little you care for getting lectured and corrected apparently.
Correctional facilities – By bottling up rage, aggression, fear and anger in a tiny place, positive changes and corrections will occur. The ones that display their emotions by acting outside the law are coming here to learn how to be more peaceful and law abiding. Individuals that don’t want to be corrected so much that they break laws are going to come here and all of a sudden learn that they really do like being corrected.
Band aid/casts/bandages – Whenever I break a bone, or scrape myself up, I want everyone to know. My favorite thing to do ever, is explain how my embarrassing inability to walk or swing my arms, or not pay attention to the pole in front of my face, so people such as yourself can see my cast and make me regale what the stupid thing I did to make me wear this stupid thing on my body. Thank you band aid/bandage/cast!
Some people think that corrections are fun so they can learn. But other people think they are stupid and you should stop trying to change me, jerks!
ARRRGGGHHHHH
Bitter Correction Ben
Correct me..before I get embarrassed in front of the crowd . then I am grateful..correct me when I am about to make a good impression, I get upset ..correct me to help..not to strike me dead.
LikeLike
I hate getting corrected whether I’m wrong or not. People can just keep stuff to themselves.
LikeLiked by 1 person
they always do..but then your mistake went to them…from You 🙂
LikeLike
I have some advice to people who give advice. Don’t give advice.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Pingback: Free-For-All Friday #25 | Edwina's Episodes
Hilarious! So enjoyed your list and smart-bitter ass comments, but we can’t forget the mothers of all corrections…..liquid paper. Remember those? You know when someone’s been using it, cuz they’re kinda high from the toxic fumes, and their lips are white from trying to speed up the drying process by blowing on it and getting their lips too close to it. Ah, sweet toxicity. Great blog!
LikeLike
Those liquid papers were replaced by the the white correction tape. Yeah that liquid stuff was the worst because it almost always came out bumpy and so it was like trying to do graffiti on a mountainside. So awkward.
LikeLiked by 1 person
graffiti on a mountainside! Haha! Yes.
LikeLike
I like to use obscure metaphors. One that haven’t been used before and probably never will again.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I try not to correct people. Instead I silently judge them for being so stupid. 😉
LikeLiked by 1 person
Now that is how us passive aggressives do it. At least that is how I would if I had any abilities in editing or grammar.
LikeLiked by 1 person
My grammar is atrocious at times, I know. I’m too impatient when I edit my content. I’ll re-read my entries and feel embarrassed, but that’s why editors exist in the professional writing world.
LikeLike
To edit my own comment, I mean to say, I’ll re-read my entries later. I’m hopeless when it comes to editing.
LikeLike
Ha-ha. Having to edit your own comments is even more humiliating.
LikeLike
Yeah, mine is pretty bad too. In fact, in an ironic twist of fate, this post when I released it was full of errors because I put it out too fast and got called out by a few people that said it had terrible editing. I agree, editors are the ones that should be fixing this stuff.
LikeLike
I always say people who spend they’re time correcting others about there grammar mistakes were probably bullied when they were kids. (And their just bitter about it.)
LikeLike
And I was probably their bully. Cause they were my bully cause they corrected my grammar.
LikeLiked by 1 person
LOL! I like what you did their.
LikeLike
And I also saw what you did their. Or they’re.
LikeLike
This made me laugh because I love correcting people and making them aware of the conventions of standard English, but I despise being corrected.
LikeLike
I guess there are some weirdo’s out there that like to be corrected, but I don’t know anyone like that and I despise people giving me advice. In fact there is a family joke where whenever my dad gives advice we make fun of him and use a deep voice imitating him. Luckily, he hasn’t given us advice and how to imitate him.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Oh man!! Now I can’t correct the plebs with bad spelling and/or grammar, AND I have to live without Band-Aids?
Now I’m truly bitter…
LikeLike
You can correct the plebs with spelling or grammar, but do so at your own risk. They are probably just ignoring you.
LikeLiked by 1 person
No doubt… But that will never stop me. More’s the pity.
LikeLike
Or course it won’t stop you. Only make you feel really bad and guilty.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Naw… I never feel bad or guilty.
(OK so maybe sometimes.)
Bitterness is the preferred emotion. And that little sweet feeling of correctness. A balm to my butter soul!
LikeLike
It must drive you so crazy then when you are incorrect. I never have that problem cause I don’t care about grammar too much.
LikeLiked by 1 person
This is why I hate spell check. It forever misquotes me. Ah well. C’est LA vie!
LikeLike
Spell check and Auto correct are bitter misspelling cousins.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Auto correct! Darn you! You whale not carjack me aging!
LikeLike
Autocorrect actually has the opposite effect on me. It makes my ramblings sound intelligible.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Are you sure? Are you?
LikeLike
Uh yeah, uh yes of course. I am the most bitter man in the world. See how autocorrect made all this sound readable?
LikeLike
I like things to be tight, but due to my careless nature and inability to proofread properly I am destined to remain Queen of the Typo! That make me feel bitter!
LikeLiked by 1 person
I the king of lazy editing. I just want to write out my clever stuff, then forget about all the petty things like spelling and sentences working at all.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Ha! I am with you on that! 🙂
LikeLike
People just need to learn to be not annoyed by my spelling and grammar. They should just be smart enough to read between the lines.
LikeLiked by 1 person
And here I was this morning, reminding my youngest son not to use the word ‘like’ so much. “It’s not a needed word,” I said. “Makes us sound less confident, less intelligent,” I said. He just sighed. I now understand I’m planting the seeds of bitterness. Uh oh, am I creating the next Bitter Ben?…
LikeLiked by 1 person
You might be lucky enough to have one in a million kids that doesn’t mind being corrected so he can be better, but if not, I will have to be the bearer of bad news and tell you, that yes you are creating another Bitter Ben or Bitter what your son’s name is.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Super.
LikeLike
I know. Leave it to me to deliver the bad news.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Makes me kind of glad that I never commented on the many spelling errors (or were they type-os?) that I’ve found on your blog. Ironically, I can find none in this one or I surely would have pointed them out so that you may have had to go ARRRGGGHHHHH!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yeah, good thing you didn’t comment on all those errors, or I wouldn’t have published my embarrassing book full of errors about grammar nazi’s. http://weknowmemes.com/2012/05/if-your-a-grammar-nazi/
LikeLike
ARRRGGGHHHHH!!!
LikeLiked by 1 person
I love when the Arrrgggh comes out. Just means you are becoming more bitter.
LikeLike
You know, I had to get it just exactly how you wrote it so I cut and paste it and for a while it would not get out of the computer. No matter what I cut, as soon as I pasted it would just be that AAAARRRGGGHHH!
LikeLike
I’ve perfected the ARRRRGGGH over the years, because of how much I’ve written it.
LikeLike
One A four Rs 3 Gs one H. Got it.
LikeLike
Actually it changes depending on context. That is if you are referencing it in a comment. It changes depending on mood too. So the end of posts it depends on how I feel.
LikeLike
I really don’t think it should be that complicated. This is starting to remind me of when I was trying to learn Spanish and couldn’t get the conjugations down.
LikeLike
It should be confusing to anyone else that tries to use it besides me. This isn’t Spanish or English. This is the language of the bitter.
LikeLike
I have mastered the language of bitter. I consists merely of grunts and the occasional ARRRGGGGH!!
LikeLike
But only because you have been following this blog for so long. And you forgot the Bitter Sighs and eye rolls. The are monumentally important to the language.
LikeLike
No, the bitter sighs and eyerolls are strong in me…although perhaps not enough eyerolls to the left??
LikeLike
The left eye roll is super important, especially when someone is talking to you about your inability to do something right. Like look at a teleprompter.
LikeLike
Got it!
LikeLike
Do you? Do you really?
LikeLike
Wow – I really like the premise and your examples, but this is the….well, it has the most, uh….needs the most editing of all the posts of yours I’ve seen. Check it out.
LikeLiked by 1 person
You should probably call me out on the public site to embarrass me as opposed to sending me an email, so as to have maximum impact.
LikeLike
Go Ben! Be bitter! Don’t let anyone change you!
LikeLiked by 1 person
That’s right! Nobody is gonna change me! Except auto correct!
LikeLiked by 2 people
Haha! But u wanna know, why are you so bitter in the first place?
LikeLike
Clearly u*, uhh I am bitter about all the little things in life that nobody else thinks about. I learned in marketing a long time ago, find a need and fill it. A lot of bitter people out there want to complain about a lot of little things, but thought they were too petty. Well, when those bitter people need somewhere to come where they can complain about all the little things that drive them crazy they can come here in a safe bitter filled environment.
LikeLiked by 2 people
I’m glad!! Let’s all be bitter better! 🙂
LikeLike
I agree. Let’s get to it!
LikeLiked by 1 person
I*
LikeLike
Haha! Auto Correct claims another victim!
LikeLiked by 1 person