Bitter Corrections

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I think I’ll pass, bro.

Corrections are so annoying.  Some people like them, so they can improve themselves and make themselves better, but I never have.  First of all, why would you want to be and improve and be better when you can get angry and bitter? Second, the people doing the correcting always seem to think that they are better than you, so they dispense the “advice” to make you a better person.  I think there is this mythological idea people get in their heads that a future billionaire they gave advice to 20 years before will appear on MSNBC, and tell the reporter, “20 years ago, this one person told me ‘Work Harder, Not Smarter’ and I never forgot and that is why I invented the Doggie Doo game that makes me billions.” That is a fantasyland that advice givers live in.  I think that you need to become bitter in your own special way.   I take personal responsibility for my bitterness and no amount of other people correcting me is going to change that.  Here are some corrections you should always avoid.

Wow so shiny...and useless.

Wow so shiny…and useless. It couldn’t even get the Make Gifs at Gifsoup.com sign out of the way.

Pencils with erasers – Pencils with erasers are always trying to correct something.  Whether it is something you say that isn’t politically correct,  or saying something mean to someone in a letter.  Erasers rob you of your first instinct, which is almost always right. Just let your feelings be written out, without that  eraser threatening every pencil stroke with a performance review of your writing.   Let things be mispelled and don’t let erasers micromanage you.

Auto Tune –  “Artists” and “singers” and “rappers” started using this in songs to disguise their disgusting voices.  If I want people to hear my terrible voice, they are going to hear it and no amount of Auto Tune is going to stop that.  They can take me to prison for breaking windows or other people’s ear drums, but I will never let AutoTune make my voice sound exactly like yours.

The

So close and yet so far.

 

Auto correct – In the beginning, someone thought of auto correct as a good thing.  They thought, “Hey, people mispell things a lot (like I have ironically mispelled mispell four times now).  I’m almost 100% positive that people want to appear intelligent when they are texting other people, because texting isn’t about speedily sending someone a message. It’s more about conveying to someone how intelligent they are by making sure everything they send is 100% spelled correctly.  Let’s come up with a way that totally helps them, by correcting almost every word they say.”  But then it ended up backfiring by not correcting the words they say, but changing what they say.  To the most embarrassing possible alternative.  Because it’s important that texts never be misunderstood.  They won’t ever ruin relationships.  Or cause any misunderstandings.  Or embarrass people in front of their family or friends.

They totally won't notice my error now.

They totally won’t notice my error now.

That correction tape stuff – So you finally graduated from pencil to pen.  But pens can’t be erased.  What are you going to do? Well you’re going to make mistakes, genius.  If you don’t have mistakes hanging over your head, how will you be bitter? But some greedy person working at Universal or Post-It or Bic decided that yes we can correct pen mistakes.  We’ll create this correction tape, where we can slide this white tape over your errors and no one will ever know that you made a mistake.  It totally won’t draw attention to your obvious error.

Parents/teachers/mentors – Let’s give these geniuses all kinds of power to correct other people’s mistakes because “they have been there,” or “they are experts in their craft” or “they know some stuff”.  Oh so a parent has been there, so they know what it was like to be a kid.  But they don’t know how it was to be you.  No one will.  They don’t know how little you care for getting lectured and corrected apparently.

Correctional facilities – By bottling up rage, aggression, fear and anger in a tiny place, positive changes and corrections will occur.  The ones that display their emotions by acting outside the law are coming here to learn how to be more peaceful and law abiding.  Individuals that don’t want to be corrected so much that they break laws are going to come here and all of a sudden learn that they really do like being corrected.

I hope no one notices that I broke my arms in an embarrassing fashion.

I hope no one notices that I broke my arms in an embarrassing fashion.

Band aid/casts/bandages – Whenever I break a bone, or scrape myself up, I want everyone to know.  My favorite thing to do ever, is explain how my embarrassing inability to walk or swing my arms, or not pay attention to the pole in front of my face, so people such as yourself can see my cast and make me regale what the stupid thing I did to make me wear this stupid thing on my body.  Thank you band aid/bandage/cast!

Some people think that corrections are fun so they can learn.  But other people think they are stupid and you should stop trying to change me, jerks!

ARRRGGGHHHHH

Bitter Correction Ben

 

67 thoughts on “Bitter Corrections”

  1. Correct me..before I get embarrassed in front of the crowd . then I am grateful..correct me when I am about to make a good impression, I get upset ..correct me to help..not to strike me dead.

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  2. Pingback: Free-For-All Friday #25 | Edwina's Episodes

  3. Hilarious! So enjoyed your list and smart-bitter ass comments, but we can’t forget the mothers of all corrections…..liquid paper. Remember those? You know when someone’s been using it, cuz they’re kinda high from the toxic fumes, and their lips are white from trying to speed up the drying process by blowing on it and getting their lips too close to it. Ah, sweet toxicity. Great blog!

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  5. My grammar is atrocious at times, I know. I’m too impatient when I edit my content. I’ll re-read my entries and feel embarrassed, but that’s why editors exist in the professional writing world.

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    • I guess there are some weirdo’s out there that like to be corrected, but I don’t know anyone like that and I despise people giving me advice. In fact there is a family joke where whenever my dad gives advice we make fun of him and use a deep voice imitating him. Luckily, he hasn’t given us advice and how to imitate him.

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  11. And here I was this morning, reminding my youngest son not to use the word ‘like’ so much. “It’s not a needed word,” I said. “Makes us sound less confident, less intelligent,” I said. He just sighed. I now understand I’m planting the seeds of bitterness. Uh oh, am I creating the next Bitter Ben?…

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  12. Makes me kind of glad that I never commented on the many spelling errors (or were they type-os?) that I’ve found on your blog. Ironically, I can find none in this one or I surely would have pointed them out so that you may have had to go ARRRGGGHHHHH!

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