Bitter Brick Wall

/ bensbitterblog
I could do this all day.

I could do this all day.

In order to build a wall you need hard work, determination, drive and I think materials.  I don’t have any of those things.  When you are bitter like me, you will sometimes attract people that are happy that want to try to change you. Usually people like that do a lot of talking.  I know lots of people that can carry both sides of a conversation, which would be great if I didn’t have to be around to hear either one of them.  That is like double tourture or like having to hear twice as many people.  Because as you all know more than 1 other person might as well be a meeting and you know how I feel about meetings.  I don’t.

I may not be able to build a wall in my house that could hold up a piece of paper, but if you measure the strength of the emotional wall I’ve built up over the years, a Wrecking Ball a Mile(y) long wouldn’t be able to break it up.

So if you want to be like me(you don’t) then listen closely to my brick by brick advice on how to avoid your Big Bad Wolf.

LIke this.

Like this.

Brick #1: Be emotionally unavailable.  Many talkers/doers will try to find out your emotions.  They will want talk about how going to the store felt, or how being at your in-laws house for two weeks will feel to you.  Don’t bite.  Once they get just a little bit, they will want to talk about their feelings and hug and stuff.   Mix up some concrete, let that thing dry and don’t let anything seep between those bricks in your head.

Right after level 46! Right now I'm on level 1!

Right after level 46! Right now? Oh I’m on level 1…

Brick #2: Learn the art of ignorage. This is a hard one at first, but with a little practice and conditioning others will learn to not even try with you.  My favorite method is video games.  Fire up the old 60 inch television with a nice loud, surround sound, some eye blasting 1080p pixel perfection and enter a completely different blissful world where you are the only one that can save a dying planet.  There is no way you can pause this thing, because YOU are the only hope.  Now you just need to convince others around you to accept that.  The other thing that helps are headphones.  Always have them on, whether at work, in the car or at home.  There is nothing more off putting to talkers, then when they think you can’t hear them.  Music is optional.  If someone does try to talk to you, pull off your headphones and say, “What?” really loudly, then put them quickly back on.  After a few of those with your long talker, they will grow so frustrated with you that they will be desperate enough to talk to Check Cell Phone Every 30 Second Guy.

Reality.

Reality.

Where you are.

Where you are.

 

Brick #3: Practice the art of mind vacations.  This one is hard to pull off at first in a social situation, but with practice you can spend an entire conversation in Hawaii.  Novices will want to practice in a safe environment called a meeting.  Especially one where lots of long talkers are involved.  In a meeting you will need to be confident in a few key phrases like “Things are going really well”, or “our key demographics are starting to buy in certain categories”, or “our next trimester is going smoothly”.  After learning your Hawaiian dodge, dip and dive in meetings you will start to be able use it other places like performance reviews, parties and family get togethers.

Also works at home or in the car.

Also works at home or in the car.

Brick #4: Sleep a lot.  People usually ignore you when you are sleeping.  Though one time my boss didn’t like when I had imprints of my computer monitor on my face when I had a meeting with her.

A few more eye rolls, a couple sighs and you've got it.

A few more eye rolls, a couple sighs and you’ve got it.

Brick #5:  Practice negative body language. Learn the art of the blank stare, the eye roll, the slack jawed look, the head tilt, the heavy sigh, impatient clock look, the finger tap, the I’m busy concentrating on computer, cell phone, tablet, or laptop focus, the huh expression, the hold your hand over your ear thing, the fake tic, the listening to music/pretending to be on the phone say it again thing,  the bluetooth headset insult, or the most effective, mouth saying out loud to someone “Leave me alone!” thing.

Add some mortar of indecision, indecisiveness and speculation and you’ve got a nice solid, sturdy, don’t mess with me wall.  Well, you need a lot more bricks and a lot more mortar, but I’m not giving you everything.  If you want the whole wall, you’ll need to sign up for that class at the B.I.T.T.E.R. School of Bitterness.  And that costs a lot of money.

Arrrggghhh

Bitter Brick Ben

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92 thoughts on “Bitter Brick Wall”

  2. I’m off to buy me an Hawaiian shirt. Then I’m rushing out to the nearest Home Depot to buy me a few pallets of brick #3 so I can get busy on building that permanent vacation to Hawaii. After all, you can’t take that permanent vacation to Hawaii without a proper Hawaiian hut, made completely out of bitter brick number three, it just isn’t done. This is going to be better than Lego’s, thanks Ben! :o)

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  3. This is great advice …..I usually just walk away in mid sentence …..I really do! I know horrible ….but I am sorry I get so tired of being sucked into the same drama and problems of others I choose to just walk away. I pretend to be busy. If I see them crying I walk the other way. I love helping people but I don’t want to help the same people for the same problem lol

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  4. Ooh, I can relate, and possibly help if anyone needs any other advice. I’m great at the emotional non-availability. I’ve already been told that…many times. Recently had to attend a retirement ceremony – multiple times, whenever the wind blew by, I’d close my eyes and imagine myself on the beaches of Hawaii, surrounded by no one. It works. Takes a little practice, but the rewards are worth it. Sleeping is what I do when I’m asked weird emotional questions I can’t comprehend. Good advice!

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    • Having that Hawaii fantasy ready at anytime is the key to getting through a lot of things. I really appreciate you being there to offer advice and support to those with really bad imaginations or people that enjoy being around other people.

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  9. Pingback: In case you missed it…because you were out shopping | Ben's Bitter Blog

  11. I work with a lot of people, and I read my Kindle on breaks/lunch. Most people leave me alone, but every once in awhile someone wants to know what I’m reading. It’s loaded with 19th European Lit (and Edgar Allen Poe). You’d be amazed how quickly people back off when you say you’re reading Jane Eyre.

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        • I never get the opportunity to say any of my non-words. Then again, I’ve been trying to fit the word ‘legit’ into a normal, speaking conversation for about…..6 months and haven’t been able to make that happen yet. (Yes, I know that’s not the sort of word we’re talking about here. I’m only saying that I can’t ever seem to fit in words I want to use. Don’t ask me why I want to say that specific one. I’m really not very sure…)

          So I’m jealous of you getting to actually USE your non-words. 😛

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        • I think you should keep a glossary or dictionary of your made up words and sell them as a “urban dictionary” of words that will soon make the regular dictionary. Just allow me to contribute to your best selling dictionary.

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        • Several months ago, I thought about making a separate page on my blog for the non-words I came up with (definitions and all, if applicable). Then I changed my mind.

          Then recently I thought, ‘Hey! Me and Ben could do that!’ (That was some fantastic grammar there.) Because you’re the only person I’ve met that enjoys non-words as much as I do.
          Then I realized that yours are much better and I shouldn’t stick you with my lame ones anyway. Especially when I can just add ‘ness’ to the end of every word (or a few combined words) and call it a non. It would probably ruin your awesome reputation.
          XD

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        • I think it would be fun, but I think we might be the only two people that would really enjoy it. I come up with words on an almost daily basis, but I always forget to write them down and forget meanings etc.
          Yours are just as awesome and you have the advantage of actually sneaking one into a published book! I haven’t seen it yet, but hope to find it when it appears! (Let’s see how sneaky you are!)

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        • You very well may be right about that, but….who cares? XD

          You need to have post-its laying everywhere. That way you can write the words down, lose them, and find them again a few months/years later. Not really, but that’s what I do (with songs, etc.). >.>

          LoL. I think the one in the first book is going to slip by everyone (or almost everyone, given that the editor found it, but she might have only wanted to change the sentence in general – not sure), just because it fits. And I SINCERELY doubt it’s never been used before.
          I can’t wait for the one in the fourth book. It’s such a good word that it SHOULD be in the dictionary. Funny story on where it came from (not me), and especially funny given the serious context it’s used in.

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        • It’s funny that you mention post it notes. I use those constantly, for my book, for my blog, for work, websites I see that are funny. My drawers at work are littered with them.
          Can you at least let me know if it is past Chapter 10? Speaking of Chapter 10, Holy Cow! There was so much going on there I didn’t quite get it all. All I can say is Holy Aster, Batman!
          And by the way, how dare you talk about Book 4 when I will have to wait so long to read it! I think you need to make up a new for book 2 just for making me wait.

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        • Glad to know someone else out there has a post-it problem. I have them littered everywhere. At least yours are in drawers. They’re all over my writing table, on the floor of the shed BESIDE/BENEATH my writing table (then also in random places in the house). >.>

          LoL, yes, the word is past Chapter 10. I really am wondering if you’ll notice it.

          Hahahaha. I had to look up the title of that chapter to know what had happened in it, then I realized and what you were saying about it made so much more sense. It’s one of my favorite chapters in that book, mostly because…well, I can’t say. But I think it’s funny.

          I wish I’d been paying attention for non-words when I was going through that second book (I’m working on the third one atm). I’ll probably go through it about 4 more times before I release it, so I might try and find a place to fit a word (of the non sort) in there if there isn’t one already. 🙂
          Might not work though!

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        • I think if I didn’t put my post it notes in a drawer then people would accidentally read them and think I was a serial killer, a stand up comedian, or a crazed lunatic. Some of them are so abstract or obtuse that even when I read them later, I scare myself. Who was the freak that wrote this note? Oh, never mind that was about a blog post or an idea for an invention that would change the world if I could just get someone to build it for me.

          I think it’s funny that the word twerk became famous this year, because I used it for something earlier in the year that meant something completely different and that stupid Virus, Miley “made it famous” for whatever the heck she is doing to ruin it. Anyways, I think my love of making words goes back to my laziness. I hear words that would work together and I just jam them together like pagressive. (passive aggressive) and or wanting to describe something with less words, like they did a long time ago in a commercial. Travishamockery to describe a tragic, sham, and a mockery.
          It also comes from wanting to use less words because I don’t like talking a whole lot, so I just want to use less words to get across my point. What sucks is when people that have no idea how sarcasm works keep asking you to explain stuff. I say people like this have no “sarcasm detectors” and they drive me up all walls.

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        • LOL, that’s how I feel about people reading my books. I’m always like, “SURELY SOMEONE is going to look at this and ask wtf is wrong with my head.”
          At least you have the excuse you do! XD
          Haha, do you have a lot of invention ideas?

          What in the world else could you use twerk for?
          I’ll second your laziness thing with the non-words. 😀

          And talking about excuses. At least your verbal non-words seem to be purposeful. Mine come from me not being able to talk well. -_-
          Yes, it really does suck when people lack sarcasm detectors. Then again, I have my ‘dumb’ moments, so I can’t always pick up on it.
          Not just A wall, but ALL walls? That must be pretty bad…

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        • That is kind of a hard thing about having your book out there isn’t it? Knowing that people know stuff that is in your head. At least all my ideas are just bitter blogs and people think they are all just made up.
          I do have a few invention ideas but I’m not really technical so I could probably never build what I wanted to do.

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        • Oh yeah, that’s definitely a difficult aspect of it for me. Definitely.

          I honestly don’t know how you think up all the things for your blog. How many entries have you posted on here?

          Hm. I’d say that’s when you enlist a partner, but then I would worry about the ideas getting stolen by said partner. I’m paranoid. >.>

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        • I don’t know either. Lots of days the well is completely dry and I am on fumes. But the Disney well was pretty deep, so it was just so easy. I’ve done about 270 posts overall. I’m pretty regular.

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        • I guess I’ll probably just stick with the ‘I suck at blogging’ blogs with the random ‘I’ve been doing this’ thrown in. I guess they work…
          Don’t ask me.

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  13. I’m known as the master of the negative body language. I’ve avoided innumerable people because of this.
    As for the other bricks, I’ve laid them down quite firmly except the sleep part. Too much homework and studies doesn’t let you sleep!

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  15. So, how IS that line working for you? (stole it!) I am adept at building walls as well. Just ask all my ex’s. That sounds depressing, but it’s not. In fact, I kind of remember my last one shouting something like “Why?” after me as I collected my knives and good cast iron frying pan. All that chatter…I’m going to send him an email someday.
    Soon. Right now I am in Costa Rica (in my mind) and I hear a phone ringing. Somewhere. I think I was supposed to bring home Christmas ornament hangers…there was a sale on nail polish though. People think part of my wall is digression I want a puppy.

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  23. I always learn so much here. I would like to add to brick #5 the verbal put off. One word; “Really?” Can be a question, a statement, a put down, a criticism, or a confirmation. In any case very effective in shutting down communication. Thanks teacher for calling on me.

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  27. Oh, this is a good one! Sound advice!

    Doing an eye roll is one of my favs, as is the hard, heavy sigh, and if those fail, I turn to the person with a gentle, commiserative look, and yell: Shut the F*ck up, you Goddamn moron!
    Works every time.

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  28. I would like to apply for your school. I’m already able to far away with my mind but I’m utterly incapeable to ignore people. Lately ‘ve got a cease-and-desist letter from a really industrial lawyer, now I could need this skill very well!

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  29. I love the comment “How’s that working out for you?” It’s a cleverly, wrapped, self-analysis tactic used by people to get you to spill your guts out to them without them having to perform the examination.

    Funny post!

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