I have always been an entrepreneurial type of person, meaning I have all kinds of ideas that would make me rich, if I were living in a fantasy world and smart people with lots of money were blindly funding me money and other smart people were at no cost building my ideas. So obviously the reason why I’m not rich is other people’s fault.
Anyways, I did have a ice cream company that I started with a guy named Jerry, who is a traitorous wretch who decided to quit on me and move onto another more famous, less Bitter Ben and start a very similar and successful ice cream company called Ben & Jerry’s and left me here in shambles. Apparently he thought that my flavors were too bitter for him. So he stole all my ideas and just made ice cream that was sweet instead of bitter.
Maybe you can explain why my company didn’t hit the stratosphere when you see the flavors we came up with:
Bitter Buttmunch Crunch – It had a bitter vanilla base mixed with carrots, rhubarb, and peanut butter crunched up to give it multiple crunches in one vat of goop.
Gettin’ Fatter Mad Hatter – This one was based on the celebrity of the Mad Hatter of Alice In Wonderland fame. We tried to recreate what made his hat so magically big. We assumed that the hat got fatter by eating bacon, fried Snicker Bars, french fries, tortellini and pizza. And boy did it work for the few people that were desperate enough to try it.
Optimus Prime Rib – Named for the fearless leader of the Autobots, there were large prime rib chunks in each vat of ice cream. It was expensive, but totally not worth it as it doesn’t quite taste the same when it is frozen. I couldn’t even get Megatron to try it and he always wanted to eat Prime for breakfast.
Al”mond” Bundy – There were almonds, but also the tastes of his house. The couch flavors as well as a taste of desperation and failure.
Shiver Me Timbers – This made a lot of sense because the shiver part was ice cream, and didn’t make sense because the timber part had a rich, smoky, woody, barky taste. Because it was made of trees.
Purple Rain – Named after everyone’s favorite symbol/son of a monarch/most famous purple wearer of all, Prince, we decided to pack this one full of the authentic flavor of rain. But in order to make it purple we could only find acid rain. Most of the people that eat this flavor are no longer “with us”.
Trader Joe’s – This one is full of all kinds organtic(that’s how we would say it around the factory) and overpriced ingredients. It was also another partner I started with, who then took the same core value of the ice cream(organtic and overpriced) and started his own store called coinidentally Trader Joe’s (mostly because of his backstabbing of me).
Mixed Nuts – Of course everyone has a crazy nut concoction flavor of ice cream, but I made sure to go overboard. I wanted this one to be so full of nuts, that anyone with a nut allergy within a 100 mile radius would need their epipens. Peanuts, tree nuts, soy nuts, cashews, almonds, Hazelnuts, pecans, pine nuts, pistachios, walnuts, even a little of their crazy Uncle Herman.
Frenchie Vanilla – This one was as short lived and talentless as Frenchie. Known for briefly dating the least popular Kardashian, this flavor was also known for being our least popular, because it was boring like Vanilla, because it was vanilla.
Millie Vanilla – It sounded like a good idea at the time, but the sound was just lip synced.
Wolverice Cream – Dedicated to everyone’s favorite X-Men Canadian mutant metal clawed bad boy. We included Adamantium pieces in each carton in hopes that you may someday have indestructible claws or fingernails or ears or something that will make you special enough to become a mutant like you have been dreaming about your whole life.
Now that I’ve let you know all the fantastically bitter ice creams I created, I’m sure there is a nice, rich, somewhat not smart investor out there that is ready to take the next step down in their career. If you are, I’m your Bitterman.
ARRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH
Bitter Ben and not Jerry anymore
Yeah, I’ve changed my mind about being an ice-cream taste-tester now after reading these flavours!
Actually, even peanut butter would get me boaking – gadz 😦
I’ll stick to your pizza olympics instead 😉
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Yeah, some of these flavors are pretty bitter. Though you kind of have to expect that coming from this blog. Yeah, I prefer the Pizzalympics too.
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You should market them as diet aids. If the flavors don’t take away a person’s appetite disappear, there is no hope except surgery.
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That would be a great idea. Who wants to lose weight and eat as much ice cream as you want? This is the ultimate appetite suppressant.
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I might have to stop eating ice cream now.
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Never give up on your ice cream dreams.
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Awh.
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ahahahahaahaha I love your writing
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Yeah, someone does! Just for that you may have a tiny spoon sized sample of one of my bitter flavored ice cream.
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hahhahaah
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But you will have to buy a full sized ice cream before you leave.
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So when can I place orders for these flavours? 😂
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I’m pretty sure you don’t want any of these flavors. But sure, send me some money and I’ll get you some flavors eventually.
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Ha ha! Have a great week ahead Bitter Ben 🙂
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As a person who’s been to the Ben & Jerry’s factory in Vt over 10 times, I gotta say these don’t seem all that different from the failed attempts in their flavor graveyard… At least now we know you could have had a bright future making money off of being a failure? Awesome!
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I should probably go to visit them just to make sure I’m not plagurizing their flavors. Just in case, I should probably test all their flavors to see if any of the tastes are the same. Research trip!
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If you were really dedicated to your brand you would be buried in the graveyard once you die.
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I should definitely find a plot. And seriously, be buried by a bunch of other dead people, or buried by some questionable ice cream flavors, I think I will be buried in the ice cream graveyard.
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The Optimus prime rib ice cream just needed to have a gravy swirl.
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That would make it better. Next time I start an ice cream company, I’ll remember that.
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Bitter Buttmunch Crunch is probably the most innovative. You would have gotten awards for that one.
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And I would have got away with it, if it wasn’t for that meddling Jerry.
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That Traitor er, Trader Joe!!! And Benedict Jerry, too. Backstabbing jerks. They stole your bitter dreams and made off like bandits.
I still believe in your bitter dream, Bitter Ben. We can just start our own ice cream chain: Acerbic Aurora & Bitter Ben’s Creamy Creations (or AABBCC for short). I already have some flavor ideas.
Bitter Pecan – For all the Southern belles who never won the blue ribbon for their pecan pie at the state fair, this delectable treat is filled with everything southern: pork rind, cornbread, barbecue sauce and, of course, pecan pie chunks!
Stalky Road – A twisted take on the traditional Rocky Road, Stalky Road is the social media junkie’s dream: bits and bytes of Facebook data, coupled with swirls of Instagram photos of all the food their friends ate that day.
The Hairy Potter – Every pint of The Hairy Potter comes with a temporary tattoo of a lightning bolt for the consumer to wear while enjoying ice cream stuffed with chocolate frogs and Bertie Bott’s Every Flavor Beans (and we mean every flavor – earwax included)!
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I’m already sampling bitter flavors for AABBCC. I’m not even mad that you put your name in front of mine! This is going to be the best bitter ice cream company ever. Though, I’m quite grossed out by Hair, so Hairy Potter will be my bitterest flavor. I’m already envisioning the great bitter flavors we will come up with.
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I would like to be the fly on the wall as all the little precious munchkins ask in cute lisps. ‘Could I have a thcoop of Bitter Buttmunch Crunch pleath?’
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I would love to be there even more when the parent says back, “No, you can’t have buttmunch crunch, you little buttmunch!”
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I have no idea why your ice cream ideas didn’t work out. I think these are wonderful. You should definitely pursue these for the rest of your life. Don’t give up whatever you do!!
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I plan on plunging my life savings, my 401K and my kids 401K’s to pursue this dream forever, no matter how little people buy this stuff.
Actually, I have always been a quitter. As soon as people stop following this blog, I’m out of here.
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I really think you should follow this one to the bitter end.
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I’ll get buried in my ice cream graveyard.
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I could think of worse fates.
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Speaking of worse fates, I working on a few new things for the Bitter Entertainment Network, so I going to need you to come to work for free again.
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Well, I think you should know that I already started working for you. This morning I set my alarm clock for 7 to be there bright and early and then hit the snooze repeatedly until it was almost 11 and now I’m writing to let you know that I just won’t get anything accomplished because it’s too late in the day and besides I’m just too tired so let’s just get an early start for tomorrow.
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Well, I think you should know that your check is in the mail, though to what address I’m not really sure. I hope they don’t mind get that $1,000,000.00
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I’m sure they won’t. Me, on the other hand…
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Well, maybe if you worked every once in a while the check wouldn’t get lost.
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I’ll have you know, I’ve been working very hard today. I got up bright and early, made breakfast, read some blogs, and then I thought really hard about going in to work with you today and I just wasn’t feeling it, you know? So I just thought, why go in and be unproductive? Let’s just work on it tomorrow. By the way, I did invoice you for all the trouble that went into waking up and thinking about working, not to mention, writing this comment.
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I’ve taken out of your check all the time it took to read this comment. So factoring in taxes, time spent, being late that all factors to you owe me $3.47.
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Okay, deal!!
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Love your sassiness! Awsum post! My personal favorite was mixed nuts! Please do check out my blog as well!
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I appreciate you noticing that I have sassiness as well as bitterness. Though some would call it sitterness.
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I know from experience that it’s always other people’s fault.
Take away the pizza and tortellini, and I wouldn’t be surprised if Gettin’ Fatter Mad Hatter wouldn’t have supporters. Snickers, bacon and fries are tame compared to the “garbage burgers” some gimmicky places serve to be eaten by even more gimmicky people with something to prove.
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Or garbage donuts. or the combination of the two. I’ve seen hamburgers with donuts and the buns. Sounds like I need to partner up with those people for the total garbage experience.
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I hope I can remember to send you this gross picture I once took, along with the list of gross combination of ingredients.
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Yeah, whenever you want to send it. Though I’m sure I would probably find it appetizing.
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Two scoops of Optimus Prime rib. This is glorious.
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He was my favorite, so I assume he tasted good.
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“large prime rib chunks in each vat of ice cream”—My, I can’t imagine anything I’d like to experience more.
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Optimus Prime was the best. Especially his ribs.
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RE: Millie Vanilla – It sounded like a good idea at the time, but the sound was just lip synced.
You mean “Due to people not being able to eat it, the flavor was a marketing failure. When spooning it up, people could not sync their mouth to the spoon. Obviously making the ice cream inedible.”
And Vanilla is not bland! (you may have seen my feelings on the matter).
https://dennysinnoh.wordpress.com/2015/05/30/my-tastes-are-not-vanilla/
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That was what I wanted to say, but I rushed it. I totally blew it, luckily you fixed it in post.
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You forgot to add the best nut of all to your mixed nuts flavor : the donut.
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How could I have missed that one? That’s why I’m glad you comment so I don’t miss stuff like this.
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The Purple Rain turns into a Purple Haze, huh? 🙂
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It turns into Prince, who has always been in a Purple Haze yeah.
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