The Bitter Energy Crisis

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They set the bar too high.  Now superheroes are supposed to be energetic.

There is an energy crisis in this country.  It doesn’t have anything to do with fuel, or gas, or coal or oil.  This is a human energy crisis.  We are so tired from staying up late playing video games, watching YouTube, watching TV or heaven forbid work, that when some of us wake up at 10 am in the morning we are still so tired that we need to be injected with a type of fuel that gives us a jolt. For some of us it is coffee, and for others it is energy drinks.  There may be some new form of drug to wake us up that will surpasse them all and if someone does invent that, then they will be given their own private ATM.  There is this obsessive need for people to get a shot of energy in the morning to wake up.  This may come as a rather large shock and surprise to people, but I don’t drink coffee.  It is for religious reasons and that energy drink stuff sounds disgusting.  But there are other reasons I don’t drink those things.  Because I don’t want energy. Why would I?

Do you think I want more energy so I can listen to that 12 round boxing match argument going on in the next office over?

Do you think I want more energy so I can help my friends move? Why would I ever want to help someone who actually tolerates me, to move far away from me as opposed to staying right where they are, so I can continue to take advantage of our “friendship”.  I’d much rather pretend to want to help my enemies, so they will move farther away from me.  But let’s be honest.  I can barely be motivated to move from my couch.  Don’t ever think I going to help people lift a glass from their cupboard, let alone help them lift a piano from their third floor.

If I ever had energy, then people might think that I want to come to their kids soccer game and fake cheer on their little creature, who seems to think that joining a cluster of other creatures in the middle of a field is a good idea. Don’t they know there are other children in the middle of their field? And that standing around kicking each other is horrifying? Why aren’t they smart like the one kid near the net, that doesn’t have to move, that doesn’t get kicked in the shins, that doesn’t get all muddy, can daydream about not being there, doesn’t have to talk to people and still get oranges and a snack afterward.

Would you like to do some work today?

Would you like to do some work today?

Does it look like I want to have the energy to go to the place where I am employed and work all day? I mean if I did work all day, then they would have all these raised expectations for me.  They would expect me to work like that every day and no one, not me, or the employer need to have headaches like that.  More work just leads to more mistakes that other people would have to fix. And how is the water cooler going to be staffed with gossip if I’m doing all this work? How are the vending machines going to feel like a useful cog in the wheel if I’m not getting those Cheetos that are just dangling there for me to knock down? How are other people going to have self worth if they don’t have me to be ahead of?

If I have all kinds of energy, you will think that I can babysit your kids.

Tired Parents: Look at that energized guy.  He looks like he would be great to watch our kids, because he looks like he could outwit, outplay and outlast our kids.

Me: Yeah, that guy behind me sure does look like he has energy.  I hear he really loves kids and changing diapers and not getting paid a fair wage.

If I had energy, I could run a 5K or a 10K, or a half marathon, or a full marathon or a triathlon, or a megathlon? Why again would I agree to torture myself? So I can be healthy? So I can take up all my spare time so I can run 15 miles every night? So I can then eat a couple of pieces of celery every night for dinner? What about my poor neglected couch? What about my Television that needs some well earned affirmation every night? What about those pillows that crave my head sitting on them? What about the fridge that so desperately needs opening every five minutes to see if there is anything new inside? What about the air conditioner that isn’t running full blast for me because I’m out running. What about their neglect? How do you think they feel when I’m out abandoning them?

Think about the couch and the TV and the fridge. How do they feel when you abandon them?

Think about the couch and the TV and the fridge. How do they feel when you abandon them?

The next time you think about obtaining energy, remember these things.  Remember that someone is going to ask you to move, or work more, or go to some kids cluster luck of a soccer game.  Or watch their kids at home.  Or you might have a delusional thought that leads you from one day running down the block, to the being trapped into a megathlon that you never intended to do.  Don’t let yourself be deceived by this drug called energy.  It will only lead you down the path to sadness.

ARRRRGGGHHHH

Bitter Energy Crisis Ben

 

40 thoughts on “The Bitter Energy Crisis”

  1. You are to be congratulated; you are in the company of the First Man on the Moon. Neil Armstrong once told a journalist that he had a finite number of heartbeats, and he ‘didn’t intend to wast any of them on exercise’. I wonder how he found the energy to go clear to the moon?

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  2. I persuade myself that dragging my carbon-based carcass out to the neighborhood park for the purpose of running (a curious activity that involves vigorously flailing your legs around so that your body can move quicker) will at some point in the future make me feel more energetic. Based on the morning-long wind-sucking, the three days of sore lungs and angry leg muscles, I have concluded that running is actually a ploy to get people on Candid Camera or the like.

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    • Nope it is just a ploy to make people more tired. Have you ever seen anyone run and go, “I feel like running more because I’m not tired at all?” or breathe lighter when they run than when they are laying on the couch? It just make you have less energy.

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  3. Dude, get a shot of adrenaline. It will have you jumping out of your own skin for about 30 minutes. Trust me on that one. 😉

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  5. Methinks you’d like to have your head cut off and put on a robot body. Just program the body to do whatever you need it to do, while staying perfectly still and bereft of energy up top. 😉

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  6. I was going to write an insightful comment, but then I realized that required brain juice, which I need to conserve for my binge watching of Netflix later. Given the current energy crisis in the state of Aurora, I cannot justify spending any energy typing any more words.

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  7. Ah, Ben! How I love your take on our current energy crisis! And I agree with the need to reaffirm our relationships with couch and TV. What if they feel they are unloved and decide to get one of our energetic friends to move them to a home where they’ll be better loved?
    One more reason not to have energetic friends…
    Good thing I’ve got you buddy. 🙂 MH

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