You know what my favorite game show is? Jeopardy. Actually Celebrity Jeopardy. Actually Celebrity Jeopardy as portrayed by Saturday Night Live. Wanna know why? Because of the way they answer in the form of a question. Actually, it’s because of the categories. Not really, it’s because of Alex Trabek. Well, more because of Will Ferrell’s portrayal of Alex Trabek. Alright, let’s just admit the real reason. Sean Connery. Frickin Sean Connery portrayed as a madman bent on destroying Alex Trabek. Well, all that is true, but today’s game show, uh blog post is about questions. And actually I don’t really like that Jeopardy asks you to ask questions to answer. That’s kind of stupid and makes me bitter.
So my daughter introduced me to a game called Would you rather?…They ask you whether you would rather do something really hard or another thing that is really hard. I thought I would take the challenge. It’s pretty rare where you get to see me answer questions because I never do those stupid blogger awards, where questions are asked and you answer them. So today is your lucky day(or your unlucky day if you didn’t) if you wanted to see me answer stuff. Too bad they won’t tell you anything about me. So here’s a randumb sampling of some questions and my deeply insightful answers.
Would you rather….
Always be slightly under-dressed or always be slightly overdressed? Okay, I guess we will start with the easy one. Slightly under-dressed, because I’m always slightly under-dressed. I wear socks most of the day at work, and bare feet most of the day at home. And wear pajamas to Walmart. Okay fine, I overdress for Walmart, but that’s the only place.
Have rewind button or a fast forward button on your life? Okay, another easy one. Seriously, a rewind button? Like I want to relive anything ever? Yeah, let’s relive all those “precious talks” we had. Let’s relive high school all over again. How about we just fast forward any meeting, any work day, any time I’m even slightly inconvenienced. Actually let me just live meals in real time and I’m good. Fast forward the rest, uggghhh.
Really hairy or completely bald? Alright, third straight softball. Completely bald obviously. I’ve been wanting to go Professor X, Mr. Clean, Vin Diesel, Dr. Evil, Micheal Jordan for a while now. Not having to brush you hair, or even shampoo your hair, sounds like a dream. And as any family member can attest, hair is my nemesis. Anytime I see a hair in my food, or in my hairbrush, or in the sink, or in my clothes, I go straight psych ward on them. A would you rather…between having an onion and having a hair in your food…now that would be a hard one.
Read minds or fly? Like I would ever want to know what is on people’s minds ever. That would be even worse than having to talk to people and that is the worst. Listening to people tell boring stories sucks hard enough, but having to listen to people’s even more boring thought stories? Jab me with a hair in my mouth. I’ll fly thanks.
Wet socks for the rest of your life or always have your clothes slightly damp for the rest of your life? Now they are starting to get harder. I think I will have to go with the slightly damp clothes for life. Wet socks are the worst. If I ever walk into the bathroom and get my socks even a little bit wet, I throw the socks in the hamster (that’s what they call them right?) then throw the hamster in an incinerator, and burn it and the socks into little particles and then dump the particles in the bottom of a red hot lava pit. That’s how little I like wet socks.
Burn to death or freeze to death? After work yesterday, I would do either. Just make them quick. Or slow and painful. Either one would have been less painful that yesterday.
Be in constant pain or have a constant itch? What if I experience both of these already? Is that a fair question? In fact, reading this question just made me more in pain and more itchy. Thanks a lot question.
Be able to speak all languages or talk to animals? As a non animal lover (I know, bring your pitchforks to my lynching) I don’t really think animals would have much to say. Cat: Go get me my food human. Dog: OHMYGOSHICAN’TBELIEVEYOUAREHOMECANWEGOTHROWTHEBALLAROUND? Hamster: Look at me, I’m running in a circle. Fish: I can’t breathe. That, or Can you translate this thing for me, Ben? What were they saying there? Oh you speak (insert language)? Let me spout off all the words I know in that language. Oh you know my language? Let me comfortably tell you all my secrets. Can I choose one of the options where no one speaks to me?
No one show up at your wedding or no one at your funeral? Wow that is a hard one. Choosing an event where no one shows up? Can I take both? No? Well, since I wouldn’t be alive to enjoy no one showing up for my funeral, I guess I would have to choose my wedding so I could fully enjoy that. But, does that mean I am marrying myself? Cause the bride is someone. And what about the guy/girl marrying me? That person is annoying too. Can I leave them out too?
Give up cheese or give up chocolate? Now we are talking a hard decision. For most people. I have always been more of a bitter person if you haven’t noticed and chocolate is sweet. And while cheese is mostly salty, it can be bitter. And let’s be honest, I could go a whole day without chocolate, but cheese is the like the main ingredient in pizza, hamburgers, hot dogs, Italian food, and everything else I eat. I would pretty much fade away into being a ghost if I didn’t have cheese.
Have no internet or no cell phone? That is again a pretty easy one for me. Internet I cannot live without. A cell phone? That means there is a way for people to talk to me. And I could easily live without that. Also, since 1995, I haven’t lived a day without internet. Only in the last five years have I been attached to my cell phone (and probably only used the phone app like 7 times).
Live twice as long, or win the lottery – Let me see, be old and decrepit twice as long, being on the news for being the oldest man alive, having to endure the endless time in a nursing home, or have tons of money to buy my man cave? What do you think?
Smartest person or the Hottest person? Neither one comes to mind here. Being smart would be such a pain. People always asking you questions, people always being snarkily jealous of you (that’s my job), knowing math (uggghh, so boring). On the other hand, being the hottest would make people want to be around me all the time, and I already think people want to be around me too much now. I guess smart, because at least some people would like to leave me alone.
Opposite gender or kid for a day – I am thinking that world needs more bitter women and I think if I was one for a day, I could convince more to be. On the other hand, being a kid would be so annoying. I would be so annoyed by myself, I would hope that I would get exhausted and just take a nap until the day was over.
So there are the insightfully bitter answers to some super intriguing questions for you. So my questions to you are: What would you have answered? What other questions do you have for me? How offended are you by some of my answers? Can I just go take a nap?
ARRRRRGGGGHHHH
Bitter Questions Ben
I love Jeopardy too! Alex Trebek is such an icon alongside Pat Sajeck of Wheel Of Fortune. Lovely post Bitter Ben…ooops…bitterly lovely Post lol
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I more love Will Ferrell’s take on it. Everytime I see Celebrity Jeopardy on SNL, I die laughing.
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Now that is bitter 😉
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You bitter believe it.
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Lol 😀
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YESSSSSSS TO ALL OF THIS!!!! In my post that’s going up tomorrow, I did a would you rather (don’t worry, it was before I saw this I promise I’m not a plagiarist!!). It’s such a classic question format. I’m not offended at all by any of your answers of course because we have the same brain and I would’ve answered the same. Here’s another one for you: Would you rather have thin crust or deep dish pizza?
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I’m just super impressed that you know what your post is going to be about and that I get a sneak preview. And I know you will do it much better than I did as you always do. EVERY TIME.
As far as the pizza question, ummm deep dish every single time. The more pizza the better. If we both answer the same on this one, we may be brains separated at birth.
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Nooooo I don’t do it better—you’re too kind! YES DEEP DISH ALL DAY EVERY DAY.
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Correct. So what are you going to do for the 4th? Amsterdam? Colorado? Hollywood? Universal Studios for the Homer Donut?
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😉 Driving to New Mexico! How about you?
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I’ve driven through NM before. It is an interesting place. I hope you have a good air conditioner. I don’t and it is miserable to drive around here these days. At least our traffic isn’t near as bad as LA’s.
My wife and son are going to a wedding in Utah, so me and the girl are gonna see a movie and maybe shoot some fireworks. But mostly do my favorite thing, stay at home, eat lots, be lazy and play video games.
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Awww sounds great, I hope you guys have a nice, relaxing time! 🙂
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It was nice. We saw Inside Out which was basically her mind and boy did she have anger and sadness take over when I made her go to summer school on Tuesday…
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Oh good!! But hopefully she learned from the movie how to process that anger and sadness. I LOVED IT!!!! I feel like I learned more from it than 8 years of therapy.
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It was pretty great. And the portrayal of the dad in only a few scenes…pretty accurate. I am almost always imagining ESPN, while someone is talking to me, so my 5 are almost always needing to be pulled out of their sports trance.
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Also, duh of course we share the same brain. We were both writing about the same thing without consulting each other.
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I would rather not. But I’m with you about the man cave. I would rather have a lady den and all the money than have to be a teenager again.
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I was thinking about the whole going back in time the other day and I think I would skip the teen years and go to my freshman year of college. That year was the best. Out of high school, on my own, not really worried about the pressures of a job, or my future, it was awesome. If I have to repeat a year, it’s that year.
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I’m still stunned at the whole choosing cheese over chocolate thing. In fact, I believe I am truly offended. Who could choose cheese over chocolate?? Come on, Ben! That’s just not right. 😉
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Pizza or bagels or pasta or anything wouldn’t be the same with chocolate. I think this might be a gender thing though. I can go a day without chocolate,but not without cheese.
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Is there a redo button that comes with the rewind button? Because I think there’s a couple things I could use that one on, most of them along the lines of “it looks disgusting but it really can’t taste that bad can it?” But if you want a real game of Would You Rather, I’d suggest combining it with Cards Against Humanity and having to choose between giving two terrible answers to “what gives me uncontrollable gas” to a random person in public. Do I know this from experience? Do I waste my free time? What? I don’t know.
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Don’t get me wrong I could use a redo button on a lot of things (as could most people that went to college), but to have to go back to my high school years, no thanks. On the other hand, I wouldn’t have to go back to those times. I just think I would go back to my freshman year so much I might break the rewind button like in Click and my life would turn out horrible. Never mind, it already is.
On the Cards Against Humanity combined with Would You Rather, that sounds like a great idea when I’m around other horrible people. Work then?
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Extra points if you can sneak some phrases into an important work memo or presentation and get someone (preferably an avid pinterester) to reading it out loud with gumption, Ron Burgundy style.
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Now that would be a challenge. I’m thinking of a meeting, a very boring meeting that needs some spicing up. Though I don’t need to specify boring, because all meetings are. Until I go all Would You Rather/Cards Against Humanity on them.
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“Steve do you have the annual expense report?”
“Yes, and good news! Last month we had a 200% increase in the hardworking Mexican. High five, bro.
Insert HR meeting here.
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Sounds like a great meeting. And by the way, I would get even more points for inserting the words into the HR meeting.
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“Steve, you’ve gotten a ton of complaints about your expense report.. do you have anything to say for yourself?”
“Well they didn’t have to see two midgets shitting in a bucket, so I don’t know what there is to complain about.”
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Dang it, Steve! If you weren’t so invaluable to us, we would have to let you go. By the way, you need to talk to those midgets about the bathroom policy. We require them to use the indoor plumbing.
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And that was the day the midgets realized Steve was invaluable; office politics would never be the same.
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And Steve would always have a forcefield to be an a hole and still having his job. Too bad he hates it so much.
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I probably could have predicted most of your answers, so thank you for your consistency. I must say hypothetical questions make me bitter. I never answer them except snarkily. My favorite: If you could invite three persons, living or dead for dinner, who would you invite? Obviously (and I’m sure you agree with me on this): three dead people, because not only would they not eat too much but they would also not talk too much. It is a well-known fact that dead men tell no tales. So I guess my question is would you rather answer a hypothetical question or do almost anything else that is actually likely to happen? I may write a blog post about this. I will of course credit you for the inspiration.
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I suppose you are bitter about having to read such a long comment. Sorry. I mean, ha ha.
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Yeah, it did kind of hurt the eyeballs to read that many words. It was really hard.
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I am flattered that you made the effort.
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I had to take a nap afterward from all the strain.
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Yes, I’m pretty predictable. My wife has been telling me that for years. I wouldn’t invite anyone to dinner unless they would cook and then not talk to me.
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I would happily cook, but you can’t really shut me up. It’s been tried.
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That is quite the talent you have. You can cook and talk at the same time? I can’t do either.
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I can eat and talk,too, but it’s rude.
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Not around me. And even if you were rude around me, I’m always bitter about stuff anyways.
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Are you telling me I CAN’T eat and talk around you? As I am unlikely to ever be around you, we cannot test the veracity of that statement.
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I’m telling you in the unlikely event that we ever meet, you may be granted the privilege of talking to me, but most people aren’t.
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Hahaha you need to start a YouTube channel between your daughter and you conversing over these would you rathers. Hilarious !
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My daughter thinks that would be a great idea. She wants to get YouTube famous someday. I on the other hand, just want to become rich someday (without the fame)/
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I suggested the same thing!
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I would have three subscribers! Do they pay you in YouTube dollars?
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Like I have right now? Coincidence? No, but YouTube pays in YouTube dollars. Surely you must know you can make an ACTUAL living off making videos for YouTube. All this effort you putting here could be for profit. You have thousands of subscribers here. I say, out of that, from the likes and comments you consistently get its significantly less than your actual followers, but surely you can convert at least 30 of these people into YouTube followers. So far I only been able to convert 3 from WordPress. Am I giving up? Hells no! I got a marketing plan!
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I do have like three right now, but only because both my son and daughter figured out how to follow mine. I have like two videos up. How about we follow each others and get one more follower?
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I didn’t even know you were already on there. Send me a link.
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Here you go: https://www.youtube.com/user/Benadman. Send me yours.
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I just followed you. https://m.youtube.com/user/MagnumOpusinger
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And you are now followed.
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Ben…it’s been a year. You plan on uploading anymore anytime soon? By the way my channel is a episodic series; the videos won’t make sense watching out of order.
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I have thought of doing a weekly one where I do fake news from the couch, but I didn’t ever get a good script on my first and it fizzled out. I will look into getting that going.
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Hey you know you can creat fake sets right with green screen? You can make it where it looks as if you’re sitting at the desk to give it a professional feel. I wouldn’t mind seeing that because I am a fan of satire and fake news.
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Yeah I knew, but don’t have a green screen. I can use the backgrounds that my Mac has built in. Would be at least kind of awesome.
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Oh yeah that’s what I meant, the effects in your Mac. I have iMovie.
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I spent a little time last night coming up with ideas for my first one.
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Progress!
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Yep. I can’t promise anything, but I’m definitely more motivated now….
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By the way, who drew your new gravatar?
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Another blogger named Michele. She did one of her and I liked it and asked if she could do it for me and she did.
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RE: live twice as long or win the lottery. It doesn’t say how much you win in the lottery if you pick that one. What if your lottery prize was only the $5 one?
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I would still choose the $5 dollars over the living twice as long. Why would I want to live til I was 84?
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