As you know, I’m a big fan of the nap. It provides me with a good way to get away from reality, because reality makes me bitter. In reality, you have to be around people and answer questions, and do things. All things I don’t like doing. I’ve found though, that you don’t always have to be inside on your couch to be able to nap. Recently, we got season passes to the local mini-waterpark which has my favorite water attraction. The lazy river, which I believe was named after me. Yesterday, I found that if you lean on your raft just right, you can drift off uncomfortably to sleep, only to be awakened by other little people who think this thing is a roller coaster ride. I will get my revenge little water devils!
I might accidentally…
…push you on a skateboard in the street…
Or teach you the true terror…
…of healthy snacks…
Speaking of healthy snacks…
…how would you like to be one?
You wanna follow me…
…”fall”ow away.
Just make sure to keep…
…your crazy eyes on the ball.
You think you are safe inside…
cause you aren’t.
Ready for a little…
…hummingbird torture?
Here’s pool I built for you…
…whoops, I knocked it down. So sorry about that.
This will teach you…
…not to horse around.
Don’t be surprised if I…
…actually be surprised.
Hey, do you mind if I get a scoop of ice cream from you…
…only one scoop.
Oh you have a boring story you want to tell me…
…tell me all about it.
Oh and you have a boring story to tell me about your summer vacation? Go ahead and tell me all about it. I can’t wait to hear all about it. Wow me. Tell me what you are doing with all those same precious few hours you get at the end of the day like every other day of the year. Or what you did with the same few weeks you get for vacation every year. I promise not to drift off when you are telling me all about it…
ARRRRGGGHHH
Bitter Drift King Ben
Ben's Bitter Blog 
Well, I’m going to use a skateboard and a quarter-pipe ramp to leave the office from now on, I know that.
LikeLike
Let’s hope you don’t work on the 80th floor in a skyscraper. While that would be an exhilarating leap, the landing would be pretty harsh.
LikeLike
The “hosed toddlers” is my favourite. I think the little skateboarder escaped.
LikeLike
I love tormenting kids that aren’t mine. So I think that would have been a great thing to do some other people’s kids.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Dear Ben;
I have subscribed to your blog several times. It sent me the link to ‘confirm follow’, but when I try, a bitter box tells me the subscription request has expired. When I try to ‘follow’ again from your blog, another bitter box tells me I already did it and have a ‘sub pending’. I tried clicking on ‘contact us’, but it says only do that if I didn’t receive the email, which I did. What shall I do?
LikeLike
Dear Gigi Wolf, That makes me so bitter. How am I supposed to spread the bitterness when you are on the sidelines not getting each and every one of my posts? Are you on WordPress when you try to follow? Perhaps you should follow my twitter and that will give you all my posts. Or Facebook. Or Instagram. They all point back to the bitterness.
LikeLike
Lazy river appeals to this serial napper. So glad our 3 are grown up (sorta) and I can enjoy real naps these days. I do recall the days when I would rush home from work, hit the lounge for 15minutes of heaven before school finished and the nightmare began. 😂
LikeLike
I keep thinking my 7 year old will figure out how to recognize someone is sleeping and leave them alone instead of an invitation to ask me inane questions.
LikeLike
I love naps. I also love spoonfuls of ice cream. I’ll be expecting that spoon to be delivered to me over the weekend.
LikeLike
I assume the spoon is available on Amazon and that they do free 2 day shipping by drones.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yes, I have been bitter about kindergarten for many years. That is where a woman first tried to force me into napping, and while I was lying on a mat the thickness of a slice of bread and fidgeting endlessly, she was drooling on her desk. Now, of course, I understand. I wake up planning my first nap of the day. It is after breakfast, but before lunch. Then, there is the After-Exercise-and-Bath Nap, the pre-dinner doze, the after dinner drowse, and the Snoozing-For-Dollars Nap. Anyone who interrupts any of these are ‘disappeared’.
LikeLike
If only we knew what we were missing out on when we were in kindergarten. We would have done so much more napping.
LikeLike
And eaten a lot more paste!
LikeLike
Or at least more pasta.
LikeLike
Adult Naps are the best invention ever. Whoever invented them deserves a RAISE!! And naps are fantastic for just the reasons you mention: You don’t have to face reality for a little while! SCORE!! Also I’ve never been on a lazy river, but it sounds right up my alley.
LikeLike
Yeah, adult naps are even better than kid naps because you appreciate them way more than when you are a kid. And lazy rivers are the best. Get a raft, and let the flow take you all day.
LikeLiked by 1 person
For someone who doesn’t like amusement parks, you seem to know your way around them awfully well. Yes, I could almost sleep in the lazy river but then my butt’s wet and they have those annoying fountains overhead that spray you and then I get…you guessed it…bitter.
LikeLike
It’s because I have to spend so much time in them. They should be called Bittermusement Parks. And besides, lazy river? Totally me.
LikeLike
Okay, I have a blog idea for you!! You need to write about what you would have in your own Bittermusement Park. You have been challenged.
LikeLike
I have actually done one and you probably read it, but didn’t remember because I do so many forgettable ones. Called it Bitterland. https://bensbitterblog.com/2013/04/22/bitterland/
LikeLike