I learned a few things on my vacation. “The more the merrier” is totally untrue, you can never have too much pizza (actually wait, already knew that) and lines are the most destructive thing on the planet.
Let me state that again very clearly. Lines are the most destructive thing on the planet. DO NOT DISPUTE THIS FACT!
The facts cannot be in dispute. Witness:
Disney/Universal/Amusement Parks – According to some math theory, the shortest distance between two points is a straight line. According to Disney/Universal, the longest way is bars and ropes. If you were to do all the rides in all the Disney’s and all the Universal’s it would take about 10 minutes. There could only be three people in line, but they can Transform that line into a 60 minute wait just by the way they manipulate a few ropes. Thanks to this genius model of making people bitter, I’ve devised a way to keep people from visiting me at my desk at work. I will use a complicated roping system, an intern as the annoying bouncer type rope guarding guy/or girl, and a sign outside that says a wait time of 70 minutes, and of course a soundproof booth for me. The buzz for the end of the ride will be so horrific, that by the end of the day, the wait time will be 80 minutes and I will sneak out the tunnel under my desk.
The pick up line – Are you a parking ticket? Because you have fine written all over you. Is your name Google? Because you are everything I’ve been searching for. Is there an airport nearby, or is that just my heart taking off? Do you like pizza? Because I like pizza too. Has there ever been anything more devastating to your case as a dateable person than bad pick up lines? Besides your face, your bad breath, your terribly unwittiness, and toxic attitude? Besides the stains on your shirt, your bad manners, your complete inability to make conversation, your awkwardness, your unmatched socks, and your 80’s style mullet? Your lack of followers on Google+ and Myspace?
The tan line – The light part of your arm laughs and mocks the blood red disaster that is the rest of your arm. While arm is left helpless, dying and crying in the heat of the devastating heat of the middle of the sun heat of Florida, the shoulder sits inside, with the air conditioning on, watching TV and sipping drinks, and laughing at the rest of the arm.
Phone lines – Witness the terror of being forced to make conversation with someone. The caller ID that shows your co-workers number, or you never stop talking aunt, or your kid that only calls when they need money, or even worse the telemarketer/”it’s only a 5 minute survey” girl. Have you ever felt so trapped?
The linings of your stomach – You do not want to see the wasteland that is the linings of this stomach. After years of pizza, soda, more pizza, candy bars, pizza, donuts, pasta, pizza, hamburgers and pizza, the linings of this stomach can’t take it anymore and have decided to move somewhere else. They moved to the expanded waistline.
Laser surgery – Because of my utter inability to stick a curve piece of plastic inside my eyeball, and my utter annoyance in getting eyebrow hairs stuck in my glasses, I could no longer take it anymore. So I got laser surgery on my eyes, not only so I could see, but also so I could use my laser eyes on people that annoy me.
The worst line of all? Disney telling us that it’s the happiest place on earth. What they mean is that it is the happiest place on earth for them. Because for every little thing they do that they claim is magic is really just them using a magic wand to collect four lines that create a rectangle. Those rectangles come from our wallets and are made of paper that have numbers like, 1, 5, 10, 50 and 100. Or plastic rectangles that have other numbers and expiration dates on them, and they are determined to max all those things. And they line their pockets with that stuff.
Cower in bitter fear, people. The lines are coming for us and there is nothing we can do about it.
ARRRRRGGGGHHHHH
Bitter Line their Pockets Ben
When my kids went to Disneyland a million years ago, because of the lines, they said the promotional video about it was more fun than the actual trip.
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And there were exactly right. They need to give everyone video screens while waiting in line.
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That would be perfect!
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And free snacks…which I know they will never do.
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Even reasonably priced snacks would be shockingly refreshing.
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Since when has there ever been a reasonably priced snack at an amusement park?
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In a parallel universe? Especially since we now live in a world where water is pricey.
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And also air is being sold. With that, we know that everything is for sale.
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Next thing we know….. oh that’s already for sale, too.
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Yep. Everything is for sale, even trees.
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And dirt.
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Fertilizer even.
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Lines, a bad thing? Are you kidding? Lines can be great! Examples:
Boundary lines — without them, neighbors could build their fences right on your property and leave you with a garden just big enough for one tree. Then where would you park your plastic lawn chairs?
Bus lines — Take these away, and bus drivers will end up wandering around town aimlessly and stopping wherever they feel like. Plus, people might hop on a bus, thinking it will take them to work, then wind up in Florida, instead.
Border lines — See Boundary Lines.
The Thin Red Line — Because that was a great war movie, if you’re into war movies.
That line that you draw — Because we all have to draw the line somewhere. The bottom line is that I draw the line at doing away with all lines.
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Boundary lines – Neighbors have fought and died over them.
Bus lines – Always late.
Border lines – stop you from driving into Mexico and Canada without stopping and getting your illegal fireworks and fruits ceized.
Thin Red line – was kind of a long movie, like most lines.
That line I draw – Takes so much effort to draw. And it’s never straight.
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Rats! You are a tough opponent. 😀
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When it comes to bitter I’m the champ.
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Socks?
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Yes, the lines in socks are so annoying.
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did you have the new hot dog pizza
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Oh my gosh no. Separate the greatness.
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seperate hot dogs yes..problem- can you tell me answer: i’m trying to see twitter on an extra computer.. 2 at same time…it says log in, but i have never ever logged in ..wordpress is connected & it just comes on everyday from this computer, so is it b/c i am using 2 or will i not be able to see it at all..when this computer stops working?
2. what is a username is at @ x or just x or what
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Couldn’t watch the hot dog eating contest on ESPN on July 4th. Just so grosss.
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good: hot dog talk .i don’t want hot dogs or to watch that or any contest…heartburn just watching..
i still don’t know how to see twitter if it logs me out
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You just log right back in. Or you can do a Twitter feed on your blog so everyone can read it.
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1.i don’t have a password to log in & i don’t know what email was used to send it to & don’t think i ever did that ..
2. that sounds fun on your blog?
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You can always request that you get a new password, then write it down. Yeah my tweets are on the side of my blog.
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okay that’s half ..no idea what email .i don’t use 99% of my email addresses & don’t even know those passwords
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Just the one you use all the time.
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i just use 1 ,the business one /aol… but i did put a sign on my back – rent my condo -at beach – & email & now i want to live here b/c it’s a million x’s nicer than the nightmare at my tennis villa..that cost 2 x’s this .. only 1 bedroom & 4th floor ..people are always smoking outside & asthma attack if i go outside
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I couldn’t handle being around that much smoke. I’ve avoided first hand smoke, shouldn’t have to deal with second or third hand.
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i can’t either. i’m not usually near it. it travels far & gets me . i can smell it what seems ,a mile away ,i’ve been told
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I can certainly smell it from afar.
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oh i am going to ask clinton the definition of walkway..i am so slow.. last night this man light his cigar before his wife & i got there…she just told hi, we both could fall over & die.. then today i was like,isn’tthere a sign that says no smoking on walkway & it was & right where he was standing..
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Clinton and cigar isn’t a good thing together.
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oh that’s true.. i am so mad.3 years it took me to figure out & i just walked by the sign & there’s an ashtray there too for 3 years & people who work here always stand there ,if you’re awake at 12 or 1 & smoke & it never dawned on me,they shouldn’t.. i just choked & had to run by
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That’s the only way you can avoid it sometimes.
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stay inside
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I do that as much as I can.
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i am half in & half outside, truly
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Then you should probably come inside because it is cold out.
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LOL i am doing the same thing right now.AC says 76, but 73 outside & i am sitting w/ the door open..
rain tried to get me a few times ..it’s blowing left, i guess south
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I prefer the indoors. It is much safer and lazier in there.
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on the 4th floor, it;s safe…on any floor..
security drives golf carts up & down the sidewalk..
unless there’s an attack by seashore, but still 3 military helicopters fly by day & night
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I’m just curious. When you talk to people in person, do you speak in haikus?
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every once in a long while, i will catch one..
last night, in the elevator, i realized my x husband said one all the time..haven’t seen him since 91..see how slow my brain is…funny haiku
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I haven’t seen graduation from high school since 91. And no one from that school has seen me since then either.
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really.. i’ve seen lots of people,from high school, since high school..
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I left town and barely ever came back. Weren’t my best supporters, or friends.
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well they can go jump in the lake
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Or a river. Whatever is colder.
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the gulf stream
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The Gulf of Mexico.
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the gulf war ..i was in the gulf stream during the gulf hurricane fishing for blue marlin on my honeymoon
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I just went to 7-11 and got a Big Gulf.
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lol..do they still have big gulps
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Yep, and every 7-11 you get them free.
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you get a free big gulf?
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Either that or the Big Gulp of Mexico.
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i was on the gulf of mexico strapped in to catch a blue marlin in 10 foot swells
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That sounds kind of fishy.
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it was fishy. the captain wanted to 400.00 & didn’t tell us a hurricane was brewing
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Maybe he needs to go to Pesca Azteca and get a fish taco.
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pesca artica? i was at a place that had mahi mahi tacos, last sunday
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Were they fish tacos? Cause that sounds kind of gross.
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yes dolphin, not the dolphin you play with
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They are pretty smart.
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i think it’s racist to eat one dolphin and not the other
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I think it is more animalist than racist.
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oh animalist and herbiverous
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Those are some good dinosaurs.
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did people ever eat dinosaurs?
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Only if they liked a little petroleum oil on their pizza.
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i forgot a famous lady gaga impersonator like my rosh hoshANNAH HAIKU. it’s just something everybody says all my life, but just realized it was a haiku
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My only famous follower is Siri, or at least the voice of Siri and she probably unfollowed me because I made fun of her.
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you made fun of siri? i saw her on tv
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Yeah, right after she followed me. It was probably a bad idea.
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lol.
i have bad ideas all the time..probably most…
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Bitterness is one of my few good ideas.
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cupcakes, pizza, sofas, food tv …..good ideas too
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All good. Should be in a Bitter News from the Couch.
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yes & a tempurpedic couch
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A temperpedic one would be great.
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oh i want that for hanukkah
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Maybe for all eight days. Maybe your fiance will get one for you?
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i forgot what i wanted for hanukkah..yesterday it was a g 2 pilot pen
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I want a 3 TB drive. For all those games.
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i hope santa brings you a 3 tb drive
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And I hope Hanukkah Harry brings you a trip to Scotland.
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only when it’s warm in scotland ,which is i think never
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So maybe HH will bring you somewhere warm then.
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to findhorn scotland..you should look it up
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I will. I’m sure my ancestor lived there.
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i would live there if it wasn’t so cold.it sounds nice
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Some mittens, a coat and scarf will keep you warm.
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i made 200 scarves & they still wouldn’t keep my lungs warm
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Probably because you haven’t put them where your lungs are.
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true
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AAAARRRRGGGG THAT TETRIS GIF IS MAKING ME SO MAD!
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I know. The very definition of bitter is how that Tetris user feels. Or me all the time.
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Frown lines…Crossing the line in the sand (something my sons do regularly)…the lineup at the cop shop…but worst of all…the lines on a coloring sheet…don’t EVER tell me I have to color inside the lines!
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Right? Even I do accidentally cross the coloring lines, I will color outside, because no tells me where to color.
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How do queues play into this concept?
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If queues are the same as a line, then they are just as dangerous and potentially world ending as lines.
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It’s the British term for “line” as in they “queue up” instead of “standing in line” or “that queue is very long”. They are potentially world ending.
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Yeah lines, queues, or whatever are frustrating and bitter inducing.
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It is now surprise that you have such clever and witty pick up lines you Casanova you! But you know, the Disney thing…the trick is that you get on the line and think ‘Oh this isn’t so bad’ and then you round the corner only to find there’s ANOTHER LINE!!! with like 3 MILLION PEOPLE!!!
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I was the worst with the pick up lines. I couldn’t even use the old classic, “Uh, hi…”
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You got me at ‘uh, hi..’
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That’s the thing. I couldn’t even spit that out. Cause I was a chicken, and I didn’t have my next four lines ready when the hi failed.
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I’m sure you’re happy about that.
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You know me. Always overly happy about things.
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Take out the lines with your laser eyes, Ben!
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Disney would have just replaced them with their army of robots that had laser eyes and make my wait longer.
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Hahahaha that’s quite possible
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