First up on the Bitter-Ben-is-on-vacation-and-doesn’t-want-to-do-anything-on-it-so-he’s-having-guest-posters-do-all-his-work-tour is Matti from Schnitzel Adventures. Her area of expertise in bitterness is being a German living in America.  We both share a disdain for the very few holidays in America, and disdain for Grumpy Cat, who is making tons of money being bitter while we are much bitterer and much poorer since we don’t get paid for it.  She’s going to discuss a subject I have no idea about(being a woman) so have never blogged about before. Go check her blog out at Schnitzel Adventures.

“The Bitterness of Being a Woman”

When I read that Ben was looking for guest bloggers, I was like ‘Hell YESS!’. Then he messaged me and told me that I can’t swear on his page, which made the decision a little harder for me since I swear quite a bit. I’m German and we can swear all we want. There are no speed limits and no cursing rules and a never ending supply of sausages. And you Americans think you live in the promised land? Think again!

But seriously, I give Ben mad props (I hear that that’s what the kids say these days) for being bitter and yet always staying classy and contained. The Bitter Blog was one of the very first blogs I stumbled across when I created my own blog about 3 months ago. I instantly loved it because like him, I also am bitter about a lot of things. In fact, I’m so bitter that my boyfriend’s only nickname for me is ‘sourpuss’. He either calls me by my first name or by sourpuss and calling me by my first name is probably even more alarming to me than being called sourpuss. It feels like my mother telling me off for not cleaning my room. So everytime he says ‘Mattea’ (which, as you might guess, is my first name), I automatically start cleaning or apologizing. I am pretty sure that that’s how he made me his hausfrau slave that I am today.

So while Ben is on vacation probably being bitter about the weather, the accommodation and the fact that he is on vacation itself, I want to talk to you about something that makes me bitter. A topic that Ben can not relate to and that has been ignored on this blog all along- It’s being a woman.

Being a woman has not always annoyed me. I was a tomboy for most of my childhood until I hit puberty and everyone started to care about make-up and clothes and boys. And that’s where it starts already! The source of all evil: BOYS. Boys are responsible for 99% of all woman troubles. There’s always something wrong – Either a man is too nice or not nice enough or he wears the wrong socks…we always find something to be unhappy about. While guys mostly just think about sports, food and breasts, women think about EVERYTHING else. Do you even know how many thoughts are going through our heads all day? At least 10 times a day I have to call my girlfriends and discuss and interpret your actions, e.g.  the way you ate your sandwich this morning before you left the house to go to work. You really chewed on it unusually long which could mean you didn’t want to leave to go to work, which could mean that you got fired or that you have another woman who also makes sandwiches for you and that’s why you couldn’t finish another sandwiches so quickly! That’s probably it.

But in order to even have a man we can worry about and drive insane, every woman has to compete with a bunch of other women, which is why we have to dress up and wear make-up and act all naive and pretend we never eat or use the bathroom. All my life I had to pretend that I am terrible at math when in reality, I am the granddaughter of Albert Einstein. Ok, that was a lie. I really do suck at math. Big time. Have you ever met a woman who eats a steak on a first date? Didn’t think so. Do you think she does that voluntarily? NO! Women love steak too! I personally don’t, because I’m vegetarian, but you get the point. That poor woman is starving herself to death and has to watch you eat a steak that she would like to devour herself right now, only because she wants to be ladylike and skinny for you. Are you starting to realize how hard it is to be a woman yet? AND I HAVEN’T EVEN DISCUSSED PERIODS, MENOPAUSE OR PREGNANCIES YET! I will spare you the details because I’m nice like that.

I really think I would make a pretty decent male. I know I would never shave and look like Jesus while eating all the food I can find. And still I’d probably have three main chicks and 5 side chicks (yes, I studied my slang) and get paid more than any woman. So since that is not going to happen anytime soon, I think I have every reason to be a sourpuss.

 

AAAAAAAARGH

Bitter schnitzel

 

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