I’ve had my brushes with fame in the past. One time when I was a stupid kid, in about 4th grade, I was outside at recess in the cold South Dakota air, running and sliding on the massive skating rink that was out recess area. I slid once and hurt my arm. Nothing big, until later that week, on Sunday at church, I was outside slipping on a icy sidewalk, and for some reason fell down again. I probably looked like Bambi with my long gangly legs (speaking of Bambi, cause I’ve never seen this movie, is Bambi a boy or girl?) and fell down again. This time it was off to the hospital for a sprained wrist. The pain was tolerable. What wasn’t tolerable was the fame that came along with it at school the next day. “Oh my gosh, what happened?” said the first person. Story was given in great detail, from the epic battle with the ice beast to the downfall of the evil snow kingdom, because of the sacrifice of my sprained wrist. Thank goodness for me. Then another. “What happened to your wrist?” The regaling of the story, a little bit shorter this time, because class was about to start. Four days later, from a random 6th grader at the drinking fountain. “What happened to your wrist?” he asked. Me?”Fell down.”
Another 2 days of fame. I was deleting a bunch of emails at work in hopes that if I didn’t see them, I didn’t have to do them. I get one from WordPress. Congratulations, you’ve been Freshly Pressed! it says in the subject. Hi Ben! I hope your blog is ready to welcome some new readers — your post will be featured in Freshly Pressed as WordPress.com editors’ pick! Yes, I’m ready. I immediately go to the post and read it. Why? In. The. World. Did. You. Pick. This. One? I have about 40 other ones that are way better. I wrote this one as a last second thing on Halloween. I check the grammar and spelling. I constantly check Freshly Pressed to see if this is the day. It finally comes. I prepare for the flood. I get a trickle. People come. Most of them just hit Like, some comment, but they are mostly inane comments like “Congrats on being Freshly Pressed”. What am I supposed to say to that? Thanks? What a fascinating dialogue. I get some that say how funny I am and say they can’t wait to read more of my posts. I’m like, there’s a 140 post on my blog. How about you start now? They never come back. Two days later, still the same people that have always followed me. Return back from my 2 days of fame. Except with weight of higher expectations on my writing. On a blog about bitterness.
Every year, for one day, I become the most famous person in my universe of people I know. At midnight 01, on April 9th, Facebook starts telling people that it’s my birthday. You should write a note to this person you barely know. Because your birthday is the same week as the kids in town are off for spring break, someone else takes your birthday before you. So you get to spend it with the co-workers you despise and have to pretend that you’re excited that they told you Happy Birthday. Because they saw the streamers above you desk. Your boss pretends to be nice for one day. Buys a cake on company budget. Gets you a lame card that everyone is forced to sign. Everyone signs the same things that people on Facebook did. All 4 of your siblings and your parents call to wish you Happy Birthday. You go home and more cake, birthday wishes, a present or two you don’t deserve. You do your annual post on 42 Things you are Bitter about. Comments are all, Happy Birthday, just like the Facebook, and co-workers one. You get used to saying thanks for wishing me a Happy Birthday. One of the 42 things should be birthdays. Because a birthday is your day. But really it’s everyone else’s.
So, do I want to be famous? Let’s just say that Tony Stark had the right idea. Get trapped in a cave, create a suit of amour for protection, one that can fly away. Then spend all my time in my man cave with my electronics. No, I don’t want to be famous. When you are famous, you have to talk to people. When you are famous, you have to get stalked by people. You have to be admired by people. I mean, I only look at my face in the mirror twice a week and that’s only because I don’t want to involuntarily become a blood donor (I mean shave.)
The Loch Ness monster, Big Foot, and the Sasquatch seek fame more than I do. Become an athlete? And have the pressure of winning all the time in order to justify all the money I’m stealing to play a kids game? Become an actor, where my job is to memorize lines, act like other weirdos, and show up at awards shows? I can’t even memorize my wife’s one chore for me on a Saturday. I can’t even talk into a YouTube camera without being self conscious. I can’t even be bothered to wear anything but sweats outside of work.
I’d rather be ignored like my alarm clock. Holed up in a mansion created wealth I earned by being someone’s heir. That got wealthy from doing something boring like selling ketchup to women in white dresses. Or ice to people in igloo’s. Fame? Ughhh. No thanks because people.
ARRRGGGHHHH
Bitter Fameless Ben
As one of your non-freshly pressed new follower, I demand an autograph!
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You may have an autograph, but you will have to fly in, otherwise there will only be a digital one, which let’s be honest, is just as good as a written one (and a lot less work for me.)
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As long as it is given Bitterly, I will be happy!
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I will make sure to do it with my famous bitter facial expressions.
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OMG, you’re so famous, can I have your autograph?! I’ll be in Seattle on the 17th!!
Why are you running away? Ben? BEEEENNNNNN!!!!
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You may have my autograph, but it will be worthless. How long will you be in Seattle? I’m not back from vacation until the 18th.
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I’m flying in on the 16th and flying out on the 20th. I’m so excited! julesrulesstrawberry@gmail.com if you want to coordinate 🙂
Cheers!
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How was your trip here? I think I got back after you were gone. I hope it was the bitterest!
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Thanks, the trip to Mount Rainier lived up to its name: cold, drizzly, and rainy -ER than we expected! We were pretty bitter that we couldn’t hike it. But the rest of the trip was fab – see my June 21, 22, and 23 posts if you can take all the love and fun 😉
Sorry we missed each other. Let me know if you get to Dallas, I’ll show you the bitterest of times!
Cheers!
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I can’t believe it was rainy. It has been bitterly hot here for many weeks now. And when I was gone in Florida it was bitterly hot there too. I’m glad you had a good time while you were here.
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YES. BECAUSE PEOPLE. NO THANK YOU, PEOPLE.
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I know. People are always getting the in way. For instance, right now I’m trying to drink my Cheetos (so as to not get cheesy hands) and people keep interrupting my eat fest.
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RUDE.
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“…and say they can’t wait to read more of my posts. I’m like, there’s a 140 post on my blog. How about you start now?”
This made me laugh out loud. A while back, a new Facebook friend read a post I just published and he went on and on about how funny it was and how I was such a great writer. Then he continued: “You should write some more posts so I can read them.” Ummm… see all those other previous posts? You can read those (and you can read them now). 🙂
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It’s because they don’t really mean it. They are more worried about their stupid posts that aren’t funny than ever reading my brilliant ones again.
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I might be back. Or not.
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I might be back. Or not.
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Hi Ben’s Bitter Blog congrats on being Freshly Pressed. Until I saw the photo of you being Freshly Pressed, I always wanted to be Freshly Pressed, but I don’t think so now. Wow, I didn’t know you were a stick person! Anyway, how funny you are, and I can’t wait to read more of your posts. I hope you do 140 more just like it. Okay, I have to go press the like button now. Ah buh-by.
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Where have I heard a comment like this? Hmmm…
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Don’t worry… it will come to you. Welcome back Ben! :O)
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Not really. I’m not that bright.
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LOL I doubt that. :O)
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I have vacation brain too where I forget all my passwords.
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Oh, I’m sooo guilty of that one. ;O)
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I’ll be using that one for at least a month.
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The Batman-Ironman plan is a solid one. Bruce and Tony would approve. Now, to get the high points approved by the wife.
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Hiding in a cave, especially if it is a man cave is the best plan ever.
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So if fame ever does knock on your door, can you send it my way?
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Yep, I don’t want it.
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Bambi was a boy.
Now you can be at peace in your cave.
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But why? Bambi is a girl name. What the heavens.
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Bambi was a name invented by Disney. I do not know how it became a girls’ name.
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That figures. Disney is my bitter rival and I am going to face them this weekend.
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I wish the Rock did know me. I could hook you up. He could bring along a natural disaster to smite down Disney.
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I’m pretty sure Disney owns him, so it’s in his contract that he can’t. Just like the rest of the inhabitants of earth.
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Come on, if you end a name in “i” or “ie” it should be a girl’s name! (Says “Julie.”) Just think about it: Toni = girl. Tony = guy.
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Exactly. Bambie shouldn’t be a dude dear.
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One time, during my first week freshman year in high school, there was a rumor going around that I made out with a senior. I don’t even know how this happened since I was new to the school for like, five minutes. I was mortified not only because it was embarrassing to have a rumor to that extent stamped on my profile, but then a friend was like, “YOU GO GIRL!” which somehow made me feel worse because it didn’t actually happen. It was a very confusing time.
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I swear the rumors and how they fly around. Fame takes many forms, popularity in school, being a boss at work, but the worst is when it is thrust upon you by rumor. So is it true? Did you make out with him?
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Good lord no! I barely held hands with a boy at that age let alone make out with an 18 year old senior in the halls! haha
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I just had to know if the rumor was true. haha
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What happened to your wrist? Congratulations on being freshly pressed, and Happy Birthday. There, now I’m all caught up with the rest of your fans.
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Uggghhh, so many questions. Please refer any questions to my agent.
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“When you are famous, you have to talk to people.” <— never truer words spoken. Sometimes I use Jonathan Franzen as inspiration. He's famous, but CLEARLY hates people. He does okay!
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I’m thinking as an author you could get away with it the most. Possibly why I gravitate towards writing.
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Nice suspenseful, page-turner ending…
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Well thanks a lot Ellen. Kind of like how you are keeping us in suspense about if you are ever going to return?
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So, if you don’t want to be famous, how exactly do you plan to acquire this mansion you would like to be holed up in? By the way, people read your blog once and never came back?? You can do that? Why am I still here?
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I plan to inherit it from my long lost rich uncle as his sole heir.
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Is he bitter as you?
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Not quite, but he just won’t die of bitter old age.
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Sounds like my grandfather.
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Many people would say that’s me.
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I’m not visiting you in the nursing home.
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If my family would never visit me, why would I expect my loyal bitter follower to ever visit me? That is if I ever make it past 65, when they manditorily put you in a home.
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Who is this?
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Just one bitter person that isn’t on vacation anymore.
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I’m still at a loss…
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That’s because you left your wallet on the counter and I just took it. Because it had a lot of credit cards that needed to be maxed out.
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What did you do???
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Lots of shopping at Game Stop. I bought all new consoles, and at least 15 games on each one. Plus, all the DLC for each of them. Basically the female equivalent of buying 15 outfits and all the accessories.
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And you still have money?
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You must have quite the high credit limit or something.
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