Headaches. A lot of things give me these. The flu, bad comedy, the Bachelorette, the Bachelor, grammar, too much information, too many people, doing too much work, gardening, going outside, phones, world peace, close basketball games, the internet not working, Internet Explorer, the future, the past, and the present.
Those are all things that make me bitter, but one thing gives me headaches above all else. Talking. Other people talking, words spoken out loud toward me, around me, or near me. Words spoken out loud cause me to pretend to care what you are saying and that is just headache blowing.
The key to miscommunication is misunderstanding. While people like to use talking to make me bitter, I like to turn it around and use other forms of communication to spread my bitterness.
Silence – The best way to give people that uncomfortable vibe, especially when they aren’t a big believer in not talking, is silence. Try this one time. When someone asks you a direct question, don’t answer it. Let them ask it again, and don’t answer it again. They will think you are deaf, but keep persisting. Eventually the interviewer might then not accept you for the job, but at least you did your best to answer the question truthfully when they ask, “What is your knowledge of math?”
Sign language – It doesn’t have to just be American Sign Language, or German Sign language. It can just be the flopping of arms when someone is trying to be serious, the waving of your hands as you pass them on the median, or saluting them as you score a touchdown on them.
Pictures– They are worth a thousand words at least according to some mythical person who may or may not have really said it. And maybe the thousand words are useless words like “Why is that lighting with this subject?” or “Why did you take a picture of this mud?” or “Why didn’t you use autofocus to make this picture so terrible and blurry?” or “Why did you take yet another useless selfie?”
Meme’s – These are an easy way of using passive aggressiveness against somebody without having to do much work. Go to Google, search the subject of the hideous person you are trying to get revenge on, find meme, post it Facebook for all the world to see…how much you can’t stand that person, or all people.
Writing – A great way to express things without talking. Yes, it might take a little pencil or pen to paper (at least back in my day) or a little fingers to keyboard, but it is amazing how words on a page can affect someone’s life..for the bitter.
Smoke signals – Though not a common way to communicate to people these days with the advent of Google, a great way to communicate to someone far away when you are camping and wi-fi isn’t available. Also a good way to share something that will cause the emotion of crying, mostly from the smoke getting in their eyes.
Coughing – Mostly used to show to others that you are sick, but have somehow against all your will have managed to make it into work. On the opposite end, it poses as a warning to the people who actually work, from the weasels who are sick all the time to indicate at the end of the day, that they will not be making it in the next day. Also a way to hide saying things like, cough”Bullcrap!” or cough “Loser!” or cough “Not really sick, just pulling a Ferris Bueller”.
Bitter looks – Though I have perfected this look since I was a zygote, some people that smile all the time need to work on this. It allows you to punch people in the face verbally.
Punching – Speaking of punching people in the face verbally, there is also the non verbal way of actually punching people in the face. I would recommend you having a good lawyer, or a non-caring attitude about going to jail if you want to pull this off, but it can be a very satisfying way of showing people how bitter you are.
Animation – Though a painstaking process, it is worth it to show someone how little you care about them.
Body language – Eye rolling, heavy sighing, bitter looking, face freezing, mouth clenching, rubbing face with hands, looking bored, these are all ways you can show your dissatisfaction of what someone is saying.
Slow clapping – This method was a good way of showing support for someone who made a brave and courageous stand in an 80’s movie, but is also a great way to show someone how “smart” they are, and “what a great idea” that is, or “wow, you are just so funny”. It’s actually become quite a versatile way to show your bitterness.
Puppeteering – A way to express your emotions about someone in a very talented, yet disturbed way.
Street Signs – Slow down, Speed Limit, Do Not Enter, One way, Stop, Caution Speed Bump Ahead, Slow Children, Zombie Apocolypse coming.
White Space – The writer’s version of silence.
With a stylus – A stylus is a way to show someone how little you care on a phone or tablet.
As you can see, there are many ways of expressing yourself without talking. I just touch the surface of how many ways there are. So about your quit being lazy (like me) and incorporate some of these, or all of these in order to not talk to me, but nothing makes me more bitter than someone using their voice to tell me useless things. What are your favorite not talking methods of sharing your bitterness with others?
FYI, I guess my co-worker hasn’t read this yet, because they just decided to talk to me. UGGGGGHHHH
ARRRRRGGGGGHHHH
Bitter BEN HAS A HEADACHE
Bitter looks and Punching are definitely my favorite. Although I haven’t gotten to punch anyone in a long time since my non-caring attitude about going to jail has shifted. Now I just have to rely on my naturally bitter face to communicate my displeasure.
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I can’t imagine how great it would be to see you stare someone down with the bitter looks. I wish I could be there to witness the poor fellow (or lady) that gets the ire of you wilting look. And if you do the punch thing, could you make sure that goes on YouTube?
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Mwahahaha. My withering stare is very effective… But also gets me into trouble at work. Something about not playing nicely with the other children…?
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Mine gets me in trouble at work all the time too. We are just two bitters in a…um…whatever the bitter equivalent to a pod.
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We are two bitters in a cocktail!!!! …non-alcoholic for you 😉
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Of course, and thanks for making mine non alcoholic.
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(rolling eyes)
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(bitter staring)
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Arrgh People who don’t pick up on cues, ignore your body language and act oblivious to your sarcasm. My head hurts too 😠
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I know, right? How can someone be so oblivious when I’m ignoring them and shooting them bitter stares that I don’t want to talk to them? I hope my next door cubicle mate is listening right now.
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Reblogged this on CittoWorld and commented:
ssshhh, lets just not talk..
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I’m not particularly good at being bitter, but I’m great at not talking. Especially when no one is speaking to me. Otherwise, it’s just awkward.
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Well, for some people it just takes a lot of work, while for others like me it just comes naturally. If you work at it, you will be able to achieve your dreams of bitterness!
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I usually go for passive aggressive. I mutter under my breath and sigh a lot. Does that count as talking?
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I love the old passive aggressive approach. I used it on my boss once and it worked like a mad genius. I still laugh about it today.
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Being passive aggressive is like breathing to me. I don’t even know when I’m doing it any more.
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I applaud your skill at passive aggressiveness. We should all aspire to be so good at it.
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Thank you kind sir.
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Hahaha I’m a big fan of the smoke signals! Is that your daughter? Too cute!
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No my daughter is much older. She’s 10. Thank goodness she isn’t still in a car seat. I can’t imagine hauling her around. She’s pretty tall for her age though. She’s like 5’6 or 5’6 and she’s already just under my chin. I keep telling her to stop growing but she’s never listened to me.
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Dang. She’s already taller than I am! Tell her to stop growing taller, and keep growing bitter.
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Yeah, she’s already taller than my wife too. And she is definitely grower bitter by the day. It might be the hormones or my good example, but she is already a teenager at 10. So by 20 she should be a full blown Bitter Queen.
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Hahaha that sounds wonderful.
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Yep, she will be a mad genius at bitterness. In fact, when I’m too old to type, I hope she will take over this blog.
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Hahaha me too
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Someone’s gotta carry on the legacy.
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I like to walk away while they are speaking. Also, pretending you’re getting a call or text on your phone and then of course taking it while they are standing there can be pretty effective.
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I don’t like the phone method, because then you have to make up some pretend conversation, which could make me even more bitter. The text thing might work though.
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Just pretend you’re on the phone with yourself. Hey, in a worse case scenario, you can get really bitter and start screaming and cussing and it’s likely that whoever you’re talking to will never want to speak to you again.
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Again, not a fan of talking on the phone, even with myself. Why do you think I write? Cause I don’t have to hear my voice!
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Well then maybe you can express bitterness by using sign language. My personal favorite is the middle finger. Then, when said person gets really offended you can just pretend you are really deaf.
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Even better is the subtle middle finger. Scratching your forehead, yawning, pointing at someone like a teacher…
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Yeah, but then they might not get the hint.
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Who cares? If they don’t get the hint it makes me more bitter and that is kind of the goal.
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Ah hah, hah. This is a classic. Love it!
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I like to harbor back to the good old days of bitterness every once in a while.
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I was hoping I could just leave a blank comment. Alas, WordPress won’t let me do that.
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Stupid WordPress. Don’t they know you are trying to make a good point?
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Reblogged this on Human Interest.
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Reblogged this on Kisumu Real Say.
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