Hold on, let me get this.
I can always tell how one of my posts is doing not because of the stats, but how my phone(they don’t call it a smart phone for nothing) reacts. If it starts scaring people around me and buzzing, I know I’ve found a bitterness many people can relate to. Of course, my phone buzzes for a lot of things, so it could just be an email I’ve been expecting from a Persian Prince who has promised me $50 million if I give him my bank account number (you know, so he can transfer all his money there). Metal detectors also buzz in order to tell a security officer that you have a deadly weapon in your pocket (your keys). I’ve decided that I’m going to invent an app that warns you about all things in life. It will warn you about things like:
Females: “Honey, so I was talking to Janet and then I had to do this thing, blah blah blah and when I come back, I need the dishes done. BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ. REMEMBER TO DO THE DISHES!
Males: “This will be a great gift for her for her birthday. A new pot for her pot and pan collection…. BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ DON’T GET HER THAT! GET HER FINE JEWELRY!
Television: You’re watching the playoffs and this game is a blowout and BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ, GO TO TNT, A BUZZER BEATER IS IN PROGRESS!
Job: You are humming along updating your blog, or checking out the highlights of the game last night, or the latest box office report, and BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ, STOP DOING THAT AND PUT IT ON YOUR FAKE SPREADSHEET, BOSS IS COMING BY.
In Class: You are sitting in class, not paying attention because you were up too late last night playing video games and not studying, and the teacher is droning on about the bell curve or something. “Let me tell you an obscure fact, BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ, YOUR TEACHER IS TELLING YOU SOMETHING THAT IS GOING TO BE ON THE TEST!
Driving: You finally get past some traffic and can get home after only 2 hours of sitting in bad traffic and then you have a downhill with open space, BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ, THERE’S A COP AT THE BOTTOM OF THE HILL.
I promise officer, I was paying attention the whole time.
Spinach: I think I will have the spinach tonight, because it’s gross and will never get stuck in my teeth. BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ. HAVE THE CHICKEN! IT TASTES BETTER AND IT WON’T GET STUCK IN YOUR TEETH!
Is there anything in my teeth?
Kevin Costner: Hey let’s go see that Kevin Costner movie about him being on the water/being a post apocalyptic mailman/in a romance. It’s only three hours long! BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ. GO SEE JUNGLE BOOK! IT’S BAD, BUT AT LEAST IT IS ONLY AND HOUR AND A HALF!
Extended Warranty: I think I will skip on the extended warranty. BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ. GET THE EXTENDED WARRANTY! THE SECOND THE REGULAR WARRANTY RUNS OUT YOUR CAR WILL GO TO GARBAGE!
Buzzing Bee: Oh look, there is a bee. BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ RUN FOR YOUR LIFE HE’S GOING TO STING YOU AND IT’S GOING TO HURT FOREVER!
Blogging: I have this really great idea for a blog. Make it about everything you are bitter about. BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ. DON’T DO IT! IT’S A TERRIBLE IDEA! DO A GOSSIP BLOG WHERE YOU CAN MAKE MONEY!
This Post: You start reading this post BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ. BAIL! DITCH THIS POST. GO TO ANY OTHER BLOG!
Wow, my phone hasn’t made a sound today. Did I forget to turn it on? What situations would cause this magical phone app to start buzzing for you? What would it tell you to do instead?
ARRRRGGGHHHH
Bitter Buzz Ben
Ben's Bitter Blog 
I laughed so hard…..you have bitterly outdone your bitter self 😀
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I’ve out bittered myself? Now that sounds almost impossible to do. Guess I will have to try less next time.
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Dating: You are jogging through the park, minding your own business, when an attractive man catches up to you and starts flirting with you, and BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ, RUN FASTER, HE’S SECRETLY MARRIED!
Friendship: You are on an amazing date with a fantastic not-secretly-married guy when your phone starts ringing. You ignore it because Cutie McCuterson is about to kiss you for the first time, and BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ, IT’S YOUR FRIEND WHO JUST WENT THROUGH A BREAKUP, AND SHE NEEDS YOU TO TALK HER BACK FROM THE LEDGE, AND THAT’S WHY YOUR PHONE IS RINGING AT 11:30 AT NIGHT AND BY THE WAY, YOUNG LADY, WHY AREN’T YOU HEADED HOME BECAUSE DON’T YOU KNOW NOTHING GOOD HAPPENS AFTER MIDNIGHT, AND PICK UP YOUR PHONE, YOUR FRIEND NEEDS YOU!!!
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See all the applications this app could have? I think it would prevent a lot of dating mishaps. Only problem is people would have horrific dating stories to tell. Unless it was about the potential disasters that app was protecting them from.
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OMG. Are fake spreadsheets still in vogue?
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They will never go out of style as long as there is the internet and bosses trying to bust you for using it.
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“UZZ BUZZ BUZZ, STOP DOING THAT AND PUT IT ON YOUR FAKE SPREADSHEET, BOSS IS COMING BY.” #TRUTH
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Luckily boss is out of town this week, so only annoying co-workers stopping by and asking me to do stuff is interrupting my straight 8 hour internet fest.
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Congratulations!
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It’s been great except for the fact that I’ve had actual work to do, so there is the bummer.
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I feel your pain. It’s just so unfair.
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It’s just my bitter luck. As soon as she gets back she’ll probably looking over my shoulder and I’ll have nothing to fake be busy with.
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Well, hang on, which Jungle Book? The 60s one that’s got a lot of catchy songs but is actually kinda bad, or the 90s one that has a lot less animation and I’m guessing is bad but I never watched it either?
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I think I meant George of the Jungle. I remember it playing back then when one of Costner’s terrible movies was playing.
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I’d like some buzzes during a brain fart or just before I’m about to say something I shouldn’t be. BUZZ BUZZ DON’T SAY THAT CHANGE THE TOPIC!
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I could have used that many times, especially to bail on a blog post or 10.
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I need one of these, Ben. You should market this. I really think you should. There’s loads of people who will benefit!
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It will be my pleasure to find someone to build it, then market it and then send all the money to me.
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That shouldn’t be a problem! 🙂
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I know. All kinds of people are willing to do stuff like that right?
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People are usually so giving of all their free time and will work for nothing. I’m sure all you have to do is ask!
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I need to find an army of those people and I will start doing the app (and by I, I mean they).
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That last one should’ve been at the top 🙂
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I put it at the bottom to make you bitter that you read through the whole thing.
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If my phone would buzz every time a prof mentioned something that was going to be on the exam, my life would be at least a hundred times easier.
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I better get that app in beta then. No one needs to listen to boring lectures without reminders.
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Anyone that needs a buzz to tell them not to eat spinach in public is not someone I can be a part of. Spinach is only for Popeye in public, and even then only maybe.
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That’s true, but this app covers all of it. Even Popeye when he needs to get strong.
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Oh Kevin Costner haha…
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He used to love to do 3 hour movies that cost a lot of money. He’s gotten a little better with age though, trying to keep them a little shorter.
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Lol. Wait, we can make money if we blog about gossip???
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Yes you can. It’s just the bitter blogging that makes no money. Or maybe just mine.
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How about, don’t go to college, it’s a major waste of time? It was going off like crazy the very first time I read your blog and I didn’t listen. Now I’m stuck with you!
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If it makes you feel any worse, I included that warning at the bottom way too late for you to turn back. You’re welcome!
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Yes, I saw that. Just thought I would capitalize!
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That is the American way! Except for me. I rarely ever capitalize.
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it’s all lower case for you.
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that is so much bitter.
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This should get your phone going! Funny, and I LOL’d at the gif of Jim Carrey with food in his teeth. That has always cracked me up.
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He is definitely one of the most quotable comedians. I still find myself quoting stuff he said from the first Ace.
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A great phone app would be for Ron Popeil’s Ronco Company. This is how it works: I turn on the TV with the channel stored from last night’s sports game, and lo and behold, it is Ron Popeil pimping his Showtime Rotisserie and BBQ appliance for three easy payments of $19.99. The app goes BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUUZ and adds it up with shipping, handling and sales tax included and it is over a $100 bucks. The app then has an infrared beam to remotely change the channel to a safe station.
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Or and app that would figure out that you didn’t want to watch the Rotisserie BBQ and wanted to watch the game and switch it for you!
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I would want to block the app, so gullible fools would buy the Hair in a Spray Can. Just for my own personal amusement.
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We have an app for blocking the app. Only $9.99 for that.
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I would definitely need a BUZZ alert anytime I started talking to family members or my brother-in-law’s wife. The BUZZ alert would be to remind me to just keep my mouth shut and not say anything. (That would be best for everyone involved!)
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That would be really nice to have for my upcoming cruise. There is definitely some people that I need alerts for.
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Lying around semi naked in the hostel room..BUZZ BUZZ PUT ON SOME CLOTHES, YOUR HEAD WARDEN IS GOING TO COME BARGING IN WITH HER EXTRA SET OF KEYS TO CHECK ON THINGS..!
If only this existed, That poor lady would be sleeping happily instead of all that nightmares she’s bound to have.
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Not as bad as the nightmare she would have if I was the one lying around half naked in the hostel. Let’s just say she would be really Hostel.
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I should probably write a post… BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ.. Bitter Ben has a better one!
Loved thisone, Ben 😉
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You should wait until the boss isn’t looking before you write a post. Put on your buzz alert.
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*rofl*
Wait. What? Gossip blogs make money?
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They sure do. Like at least three of them. All I know is that Bitter Blogs do not.
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And neither does Little Rants. Same boat!
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Well, we need to make that change. How about people start paying us for this brilliant content.
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Hahaha!
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This is BRILLIANT. Thanks for the laughs at work! Also….boss is coming! Bye!
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Better flip to that spreadsheet before the boss sees that you are being bitter about them.
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