What you thought you looked like.
Admit it. When you were bullied as a kid, you saw Karate Kid and immediately asked your mom if you could sign up for karate. She said no, but you were determined to learn so you went upstairs, and put on a white lab coat, found your mom’s black neckerchief and tied it around you waist. Then you proceeded to stub your toe on your bed frame that was sticking out, and proceeded to never try karate again. Yeah, me neither.
When you stubbed your toe.
Yeah, getting bullied as a kid sucked. It was really hard being called, Athleticy guy, or Too Handsome guy, or talented Four Square guy. Not sure how I made it through. Luckily, I had the awkwardness, the tallness, the rail thinness, messy hairedness, and the zit covered messness. Then I grew up to become a teenager, grew about 1 more inch, developed even more zits, and became even more socially awkward. But thankfully teenagers are the best, most well behaved, nicest people ever and never picked on me. And thankfully it all came to an end after high school right? Wrong.
Observe bullies for grown ups:
Cars – Every week or two. “Where do you think you’re going? Go get me some gas.” Every three months. “Go get me some oil.” Every 50,000 miles. “Get me some new tires.” Every day of winter. “Scrape my windows. Warm me up.” Every day of summer. “Cool me down. Turn on the air conditioning.” “Oh, did you forget your keys? Oops all my doors are locked.” “Oh did you forget some food in here? Guess it’s getting spoiled.”
Commercials – “Call in the next 15 minutes, or you’ll miss out on this spectacular deal.” “Hey, can you help me move?” “Shave off the beard, weirdo!” Planet Fitness, “Stop the gymtimidation.”
Grandmas – “Come here and give me a kiss.” “Are you eating?” “How come you never come and visit?” “Why don’t you marry that nice girl?” “Hold your horses!” “Are you flossing?” “Come back soon!” “Come here, sugar.” “Let me pinch those cheeks!”
Parking Lots – “Twenty bucks if you want to park here.” “It was $5 dollars last week.” “There’s a sporting event now. Pay up, scrub! Oh and I’m not responsible if someone steals stuff or crashes your car.”
Winter – “You better stay inside or it’s gonna be really cold around here.” “Oh you like these precious plants? Too bad. I’m killing those.” “You trying to drive to work? Whoaoaoa, don’t think so.”
Cheerleaders – “Be aggressive, be be aggressive! B-E-A-G-G-R-E-S-S-I-V-E!” “You got spirit, yes we do. We’ve got Spirit, how about YOU?” “Everybody stand up! Let me hear it!”
Bank Tellers/ATMS – “I’m going to need you to fill out this slip before you give me all your money.” “There’s an overdraft fee of $20.” “Here’s a penny interest for giving me all your money.”
Telemarketers – “I’m gonna tell you about the deal.” “No thanks.” “If I were to tell you that you would save $5 dollars a year, by only spending $100,000 this year, would that change your mind?” “No.” “So what you are saying is yes?”
Clothing labels – “Wash in warm water!” “Hand dry!” “Machine Wash Cold!” “Do not bleach!” No Fabric Softener!” “Tumble Dry!” “Do not Iron Print!” “Hang to Dry!”
Bully.
The Sun – “Don’t you dare look straight at me!” “Wow, you got a dark colored car? Well, I’m going to make you very uncomfortable in there.” “Having a nice day at the beach? Did you forget your sunscreen? Burrrnnn!”
Alarm Clocks – WAKE UP! WAKE UP! WAKE UP! WAKE UP! WAKE UP! WAKE UP! WAKE UP! WAKE UP!
Work starts now.
Still think bullies don’t exist? Tell me your biggest bullies everyday.
ARRRRGGGGHHHH
Bitter Bullied Ben
Ben's Bitter Blog 
my 3 jack russells bully me
every morning, early, it’s . . .
‘woof, woof, woof, woof – we want to go to the park. Get out of that bed, NOW, you lazy bugger – or we’ll shit all over the carpet!’
LikeLike
Dogs are infamous for being bullies. My daughter has been bit once and almost another time, so she is kind of afraid of them.
LikeLike
My two finch birds bully me. I mean, come on. Chirp-chirp here, chirp-chirp there….I can’t catch a break. I mean, I have to feed em, clean up their poop…..give them fresh bath water. Who do they think they are? Every morning….CHIRP, CHIIIIRRRRPPP! I’m like their slave. Beckoning to their every need. LOL. Just kidding. I love my birds and they are freakin’ spoiled! Sorry I haven’t been around. I don’t see your blogs show up on email alerts anymore. 😛
LikeLike
Probably because you forgot to sign up with them. Always excuses, so you don’t have to read them. It’s because your birds are bullying me.
LikeLiked by 1 person
My children constantly bully me into feeding them. Day in, day out. It’s relentless. The dog as well. And the husband. I am going to start an Anti Mother Bullying Campaign and make t-shirts. (But not black t-shirts.)
LikeLike
Nice idea. The nerve of people wanting to bed fed like all day. Like their survival depends on eating or something.
LikeLiked by 1 person
The first paragraph of this is pure, straight-from-the-mine gold.
LikeLike
I wish I could take some of that mined gold and weave it into real gold and put that into my bank account.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Gahahaha! The. Black. Shirt. Ohmigosh… what a bully. So funny!
My worst bullies? Well, you’ve named a few, starting with my evil alarm clock and it’s harp tune that’s supposed to convince me that getting out of bed is a GOOD thing. Then there’s my phone telling me I need to “swipe screen to unlock” and my tablet that says “enter password”… The chickens who say, “Feed me, I’m starving and haven’t eaten for… whole seconds!” “Collect my eggs before I step all over them with my poopy feet, break the shells and suck up the sweet caviar within!” “Where’s my water?” “Why is it raining?” Well, it actually all sounds kind of like, “Buck buck buck buuuuuck….. buck buck”, but I know very well what they’re saying… e-vil chick-ens…. Mother Hen
LikeLike
I guess all the bullies wear black huh? Yeah, phones, tablets, chickens..All this I forgot. And the constant clucking. Talk about bullying.
LikeLiked by 1 person
‘Zackly, Ben, ‘zackly. And then there is the beep in my car that tells me my seatbelt is not on. Big nag… 🙂
LikeLike
Oh my gosh that car is such a bully. That beeping sound is insane!
LikeLike
OMG- Can I say how MUCH I LOVE this?? I don’t think so!! I’m worried some other commenter is going to tell me I wasn’t articulate enough. Or bully me about using all caps above. Or you’ll bully me into buying you extra slices of pizza. I truly loved this because 1) I love personification and 2) I love taking a concept and then stretching it to absurdity. BRAVO Bully Blog!!
LikeLike
I am also a big fan of the personification. I do it lots actually. And also I will be getting some extra pieces of pizza and your lunch money. And absurd? How dare you accuse me of being absurd? I never!
LikeLike
My wife. She sends me on errands and will ask me to do house chores. But she never tells me to go grab a beer and sit down to watch a game. Oh you did it again Ben, you made me bitter.
LikeLike
Mine is always telling me to pay attention to the kids. I’m like, “They’re good. Just give them some TV, computer or video games. That will give the nurturing they need.”
LikeLike
Ben, I think we both must be expert child psychologists, only ours wives don’t recognize it!
LikeLike
I know, kids need as little attention as possible. They always figure things out faster when they do it by themselves. Constant non-vigilance!
LikeLike
LOL
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hahaha! This is fantastic. Especially the car bully. Dang cars… Mine demanded I pay to get its snow tires taken off. Of all the nerve…
LikeLike
Some cars. I swear. Never satisfied.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Oh yeah. Bullies definitely still exist.Alarm clocks are the worst. The biggest bully? Your conscience. Easily. It sucks.
LikeLike
Yes, my conscience. How did I not do that one? Always beating me and bullying me into feeling guilty.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Same!
LikeLiked by 1 person
I just ignore those bullies AKA clothing labels. I’ll wash my clothes how I want!
LikeLike
Or better yet, don’t wash them. Make them wash themselves…Bullies.
LikeLike
Junk Food = biggest manipulator of all time.
LikeLike
Eat it, man eat it! And always being a jerk about it.
LikeLike
I can’t top the alarm clock! 😦
LikeLike
He’s always yelling at me. And at the worst possible time. When I should be sleeping.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Don’t I know it!
LikeLike
Perhaps if they would just be like, “Hey, get out of bed when you want to.” That would be a little less bullyish.
LikeLiked by 1 person
But then the boss would bully you for being late, right? It’s a no-win situation.
LikeLike
The boss is the biggest bully of them all. Do this thing, don’t be late for anything, do work that you are paid for.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Reblogged this on Human Interest.
LikeLike
Man, I guess I just grew thicker skin after the childhood bullying than you seem to have lol! 😂
LikeLike
Nope still have the thin skin from all the bullying from alarm clocks and cheerleaders.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Lmfao! Start exfoliating with sand paper my man! Get more callous/calluses! See what I did there?
LikeLike
I’m already bitter. I guess I could add some a callousness to my repetoire.
LikeLiked by 1 person
“Oh you like these precious plants? Too bad. I’m killing those.”
Winter is the biggest bully of all. I mean, HE’S A MURDERER!
LikeLike
Yeah, winter was out with a vengeance this year. And the I hear Game of Thrones also talks about Winter Coming like it is a bully.
LikeLiked by 1 person
My Lawn – “you better cut me and feed me, otherwise I’m gonna grow all scraggly and pop up weeds and all your neighbours will hate you”….
LikeLike
Especially that commercial with Scott’s Turfbuilder. FEED YOUR LAWN. FEED IT!
LikeLike
Nothing more bullying than an angry Scottish lawn. ‘Get OFF me!’, it would yell…
LikeLike
And then it would stain your pants green.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Answer this comment! Come on, you don’t want people to think you’re an anti-social blogger do you? Come on!! Is that it??! Are you anti social or something?? Oh, look at Ben, he’s anti-social!! Oh, what are you, crying now?? You gonna go home and tell your mommy??
LikeLike
Uh, yeah I do want people to think I’m anti-social, you bully. You’re the kind of person that made me a grown up intimidated by alarm clocks.
LikeLike
Shut up or I’ll steal your lunch!
LikeLike
You can have it. It’s freaking salad. But if you want pizza, I’ll fight back against my bully.
LikeLike
Okay, pizza face…let’s see what you got!!
LikeLike
I’m gonna be so bitter about you when I grow up and become an unsuccessful adult.
LikeLike
Your already a grown up unsuccessful adult.
LikeLike
Correction. I’m an unsuccessful adult. Still working on the grown up part.
LikeLike
My mistake…
LikeLike
How does it feel to finally make a mistake? Kind of like when I finally do something right?
LikeLike
Right, well obviously you wouldn’t know the difference so…
LikeLike
Like this brain can tell the difference between anything?
LikeLike
True!
LikeLike