The Bitter Shark Tank Experience

/ bensbitterblog
Actually, I welcome the Shark Tank to me.

Actually, I welcome the Shark Tank to me.

DUH DUH DUH DUH DUH DUH DEEEEE

First in the Shark Tank today is Blogger Bitter Ben, who is a full-time blogger that is looking to become a rich and lazy entrepreneur.

Bitter Ben:  Hi, Sharks. My name is Bitter Ben and I’m asking for $1,000,000 for 5% of my company.  Sharks, I was looking for a way to be lazier. As you know, this country has a thirst and a hunger for fitness and a few years ago there was a big fad sweeping the fitness community. Nintendo introduced a product that would allow lazy, out of shape people like myself, a way to get in shape while playing video games, called the Wii Fit.  It came at the same time when the Wii was sweeping the nation with it motion controllers and the machines were sold out across the nation.  I was watching my kids “play” the Wii Fit as they tried to get healthier and noticed the way they were playing it.  At first, they did the planking, climbing and jumping required to pass the exercises. As the time passed though, they seemed to get tired and warn out.  So I noticed something else happening and that is where I got my “aha” moment.  That’s when my creation was born.  I call it the “Wii Sit”.  This amazing device allows you sit down on the device, and instead getting up and moving, allows you to sit, and pass all the required exercises.  There is no more frustration of not passing the exercises when they weren’t good enough, or fit enough, or coordinated enough.  This is a board you can place anywhere, on the couch, on the floor, or even on your chair.  The only time it won’t work, is when you are standing and exercising.

Mark Cuban: So tell me how it works. So you sit on it, and somehow you get fit? How is that even possible?

Don't roll your eyes at me, Cuban. I perfected that move.

Your eye rolls don’t affect me, Cuban. I perfected that move.

 

ME: Nope, that isn’t how it works, Cuban.  It helps you pass the exercise portion of the game.  I believe that fitness isn’t the important part of the game, but the self esteem kids get when they can pass goals on a video game.

Kevin O’Leary: So you are asking $1,000,000 for 5% of the company? Are you crazy? Your valuation for the company is $500,000,000? You expect me to believe this thing is worth that kind of scratch? Tell me about your sales.

ME: My sales are -$500,000.  But I think you underestimate how lazy people are, Kevin.  This country is built on laziness.  I mean, look at me.  An average, lazy American asking you to pay all my bills and make me rich. I’m asking you to do all the work to get this thing built.  Then I expect you to send me check every week for $500,000 so I can cover the costs of this thing.  So, what do you say, do we have a deal?

Laura:  How do you think I am supposed to sell this on QVC?

ME: By talking about it, duh! I mean, that’s your JOB right? Dazzle me, make this thing shine.  Talk about all the positive traits that might appeal to stupid people.  You know, your audience that will buy anything you pitch on your show, no matter how little it does for them?  I know for a fact that you can do it.  You’ve done it before and you can do it again.

Daymond: How am I supposed to market this? How can I brand this thing to make me any money?

ME: Daymond, Daymond, Daymond.  You built an international brand out of a name called Fubu.  No one even knows what a Fubu is, and yet somehow they buy your T-shirts.  If you can do that, you can get people out and sitting.  So, when does the fighting between Sharks happen? Do you all want a piece of my revolutionary product?

So, what do you say?

So, what do you say?

Sharks: (Conferring, then looking at each other, like I was a lunatic) Okay, here is the deal.  We look at you, one button off on your button up shirt, your shoddy presentation, your lack of a sales, not even a drawing of a protoype of your product, no marketing presence, and no fire in your belly to even be an entrepreneur, and yet none of us can help but see that you are absolutely right on one thing.  This nation is lazy and doesn’t need another product to “get it off it’s feet”, but one that will go along with their laziness.  You can be the face of this brand.  You can be the guy that will help us as a nation give up, and just be bitter. So, here is our offer.  We will all give you a million dollars for 3% of the company. We will help you build this thing, we will help you pay off your debtors, we will help you find the right channels to sell this, we will get it patented, we will even market this for you. All we ask is that you be the face of the company.  Get your picture taken, appear in a few ads, and be the guy on the masthead. So, do we have a deal?

ME: So let me get this straight.  You will help me build the prototype, pay off my debts, get it sold in the right channels, get it patented, and market it for me? And give me even a better deal that I was asking, and include all 5 sharks in selling this thing? Sounds great! Until you asked me to be the face of the company.  Ughh, and you know how much I hate getting my picture taken. And next you are going to ask me to respond to some people on Facebook?  I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to turn you down.  No deal.

Sharks: Wait, wait, wait! This is our final offer.  2% of the company, we will waive the ads, and answer all the questions on Facebook.  All you need to do is the picture.  And we will send you checks for the rest of your life.

ME: You were so close, but I’m sorry.  No picture. No deal.

No, I'm out.

Actually, I’m out.

After the deal goes sour, my remarks as I walk out.

ME: They are dead to me.

Sharks: We could have been part of something mediocre.

 

ARRRRRRGGGGHHHHH

Bitter Wii Sit Ben

 

45 thoughts on “The Bitter Shark Tank Experience”

  4. Oh! Oh. Oh. Do you have their number yet? I had this great idea in the car the other day and it’s probably still out there because I have absolutely no recollection what it was. But I just know it was a killer.

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  5. I’ve never seen this show (I know what it’s about) but I was laughing to myself the whole time I read it. Great idea!

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