A little while ago, a Super group similar to the Avengers or the Justice League formed, called the Funny Blog Friday group, with the purpose of making Friday Funny. I was asked to join that group, because all groups need a bitter member. Every Justice League needs their Aquaman(you know the one whose superpower is to like, swim really fast) and they knew I was the best at being bitter. Then one of group, Jessie Reyna, has been working on a project at school where she analyzes how differently people write about one similar theme. It’s all very scientific and way beyond my scope of understanding. Anyways, she asked if we would all write about a noun, in a project she decided to call, Turn Noun For What?! Since I didn’t major in English when I was in college, I had to turn to Google to remember what a noun was. Anyways, she pulled different nouns out of a hat, and Bacon became the subject to write about so, here is my take.
Bacon is all the rage these days according to the internet, and besides pizza, ranks as the top food that everyone would choose if there were no consequences. Let me tell you, that salad and kale are running a dead last in the dream food to eat category. I do love bacon. Last night I had it on Spaghetti Carbonara and I definitely insist that it be on any burger I eat. But the first thing I think when it comes to bacon is another group I am part of. A writer’s group.
As is every other blogger on the planet, I am an aspiring writer. I have a huge epic novel in the works, the likes of which, if it ever gets finished, will blow people away and even more when it becomes a movie. You know how they say the book is always better than the movie? In my case, the movie will definitely be better, but I won’t care, because that will just drive books sales, and you can call me the biggest hack in the world for all I care, because money. You know who is standing in my way of becoming the most successful bad novelist who’s movie’s were way more successful (stealing the title from Stephanie Meyers and The 50 Grey Lamp Shades lady)? My writers group.
My writer’s group came up with the name of Bacon, because the letters of our first name, is BK & N. And every other week, they cook up all my bad sentences, fry all my grammar and spelling and take all my boring dialogue and try to make it sizzle. It’s because they are jealous of my grand idea and minimal writing skills that will soon be talked about in harsh, criticized tones. Can you just see the critics someday, lambasting(with some lettuce and cheese) my writing, causing Rotten Tomatoes(to be put on a bun) to shut down from the weight of the plague of baditude my novel into a movie is? Can you see how it will be final straw(in the drink that they are eating with the Bacon Burger) that breaks the pens and typewriters of the critical community? Two little people, my writer’s group, BKN stand in the way of this happening. They don’t understand that my first draft is meant to be the last. No corrections, no changes, just let the story of nonsense happen. Quit being so responsible and let the novel have lots of cheese.
So while bacon is probably the number 2 sought after food to eat behind pizza, it is the number one reason why the world has been deprived of my epically awesome, yet terribly written novel and future really good movie.
ARRRRRGGGHHHH
Bitter Turn Noun For What Ben
Check out the other Turn Noun for What?! participants takes on Bacon.
Jessie of Jessie Reyna
Alanna of White Girls Be Like…
Jamie of Fits of Wit
Gina of Endearingly Wacko
Love this post! You’re on a roll. Can I narrate for my podcast?
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Yeah sure, of course I am always glad to get more pub. Thanks!
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Hey! Narration is out on my podcast, http://kriskkaria.podbean.com/. Thanks for allowing me to narrate your story!
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Thanks, I will check it out and post the link soon.
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haha! love it!
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And how long did it take to write this one – surely not as long as it takes to soft boil and egg…
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It took about zero minutes of effort and brought bitterness to 10’s of people. So..you know. Speaking of bringing bitterness, guess who was just up here at the front desk. Your favorite buddy from the warehouse.
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You’d better tell the new supervisor down there to replace Guess Who’s chains so he can’t get loose again and bother you.
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It’s not me that cares about him getting loose. It should be you when you come back. When are you coming back?
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BACON. Bacon EVERYWHERE.
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Even Bacon my face right now it is so mediocrely tempatured outside.
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So you’re bitter and I’m cranky. Although I don’t think I can think of anything cranky when it comes to bacon. So you got me there.
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I also do cranky on occasion. By occasion I mean 99% of the time. I can think about something bitter for just about everything. Like for instance my favorite basketball team won the NBA championship and I was on there the next day talking about how they hadn’t won every season I had been following them.
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BACON! Such a powerful noun. Delicious!
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Of all the ones you choose to read, you had to read this one.
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Haha you’re awesome! If bacon is prohibiting me from reading your novel, then I say we do away with it altogether! Let pizza reign over all men…and women! I hate kale by the way. Sounds like the name of a ten year old with self-esteem issues. Gross. Anyhow, I totally want to write a book that gets turned into a movie. It will all be about me of course. Me portraying me in the movie also, because I just have superstar good looks. Anyhow…fuck bacon. I’m done with it. Except for when I order a cheeseburger. Exceptions will be made.
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Pizza is and always has been number one on the earth. All others may bow down. As far as your novel turned movie about your life, sign me up! I am going to go get in line in a theatre and wait right now. Hopefully it will be our local one and I hope you finish it soon, because I don’t have a coat!
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Let’s face it. My movie is probably gonna win first place at sound lousy independent film festive. Ick.
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It has Oscar written all over it. All the others in the category will be crying at their no chance to win. You will also win the independent festivals too.
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Oh good. I could totally write a speech. Is there any possible way to put more attention on myself through this book/movie venture? Just curious.
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Why would you want a book/movie about anything else? Mines all about me too. My Oscar speech will just be me thanking myself for all my hard work and supporting myself through all the hard times of talking to other people.
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Mmm, bacon! Bacon good! I visited Gina and Alanna’s blogs but sadly, our office scan alert thingy blocked Jessie’s and Jamie’s. I’m sure their posts were just as amazing but I couldn’t see them. Sigh. 😕
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And somehow the bitter guy’s blog made it through? So wierd…
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No, to be honest yours also flags the system but because I follow yours it shows up in my reader and when I click on the post title it opens in a smaller window within WordPress so I can read it there. Many of the blogs I follow flag our system for some reason.
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Oh, so saved by the fact that I allow people to read the whole thing and not insist on you having to click on the blog. Thank goodness for transparency!
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Amen!
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I think Gwyneth Paltrow would argue that salad and kale bit during her food stamp experiment! I love a good writers group. You have a small section of people who crush your dreams, and another small section who blow smoke up your ass. It’s a nice balance!
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Unfortunately, both my other group members are crush your dreams types, so I always go home dejected.
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Hah! Harsh critics are the worst. I wrote a story once where my character was sitting in the inside of a bathroom stall and kicked the door open. Some girl said, “Typically doors open by pushing it into the stall, not pulling the door out. I just can’t visually see this…” *Cue me gagging at her words.
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The worst part is I just found out that one of my group members, who never reads or comments on my blog, just read it. I am in so much trouble next group.
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Thoughts and prayers are with you.
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Can’t wait to hear how little they like my next chapter.
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I have no comment. I do have bacon, though.
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That’s pretty awesome Choppy. Did you do that for your B day of the challenge?
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Surprisingly no – B was for Business Dog.
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So do you dress business casual or do you wear a suit and tie everyday?
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Usually, she pushes the envelope with a suit (it’s her birthday one).
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Wow, Choppy, quite the scandal, you in your birthday suit.
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I like the idea of us being the Justice League. I wonder what my superpower would be…?
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You would have BS detection for sure.
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That would be fantastic. You could also have the ability to project a protective barrier of bitterness so enemies approaching would shrivel up into hard little turds
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I think I’ve got the bitter barrier on lock, as well as some ray that spits bitter vile poison is probably on my list of powers.
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you are so awesome.
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Not sure why, but thanks.
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I dunno. I just loved that post.
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It’s always the ones that I don’t suspect that do well. The ones that I really like are the ones that usually tank. I guess I’m really different from everyone else that reads my posts.
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ben, i could talk to you for HOURS about this very subject. Same here: things that crack me up sometimes just go NOWHERE. Or the times I think I sound so ANGRY, people think it’s hilarious!
If I had time, I’d do an entire experiment on what people find funny. It’s often a mystery.
Also, I’m always a sucker for when you talk about writing That Book, which was another thing that made me happy about this post.
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Why are people I would totally talk about that for hours too. The times where I just threw one together just to get one out, and they are loved by many. The ones where I prepared for a week or two, bbbbbb…..
Well, all I have to say is that if this book ever gets published, I will hunt you down if you don’t buy it.
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HAHAHAH! don’t you worry. i’m all in.
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I’m counting on the $.99 it’s going to be worth on Amazon.
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That’s what I always say on FB: I provide you with all this free entertainment so you can debate paying $.99 for the book.
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So is your book for sale on Amazon then?
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no, i haven’t published it yet! it’s still in the works. I have 9 more days of producing material and then it’s all business.
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So you really are that close? I don’t have an e-reader, so can you print me up a book? I’ll pay the premium for it.
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business = non-fiction book proposal.
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Non-fiction? I would have no idea how to write that kind of a book. What is it about?
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it’s a humor book with my thoughts coming from the heads of supreme court justices. but i’ve gathered that humor falls within non-fiction book proposal land. so, not really non-non fiction. that said, on my list is to write a a non-fiction book sort of like an A.J. Jacobs book, like “My Life as an Experiment” or the one in which he reads the encyclopedia from start to finish.
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Now that sounds funny. If it comes to hardcopy, sign me up! I should do humor book too.
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Never liked bacon, never will! Don’t really get what all the fuss is about. I suppose that makes me unAmerican.
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Okay hippie or vegan or whatever makes you not like bacon. I guess you are Canadian and like Canadian Bacon?
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I am neither hippie or vegan, vegetarian or Canadian
I don’t know why, I just don’t like bacon.
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You are one of the elite 1%ers that doesn’t then.
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Elite? I thought it was shameful…but I’ll take elite!
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Elite in that you are the shamed elite.
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