Yesterday as I was leaving work, I was absentmindedly strolling to my car, unaware that I was parked right by my co-worker A. I totally forgot why this was a bad thing, until as I went to open the car door, a little too recklessly, I remembered that she has a dog that she keeps in car. Clearly, I woke the dog up, and clearly the dog gave me a heart attack which caused me to lose a year from my life. Because yesterday, I was 41 years old, and today I’m 42. As is tradition on this blog, I come up with 42 things, almost out of thin air, that make me bitter. Because today, it’s MY party and I’ll be bitter if I want to. 42 times if I want to. So you better sit down, cause I’m the Bitter King today and you are my disloyal subjects that need some learnin’ about the power of Bitter.
1. Peeps – Not those stupid fluffy sugary messes of Easter candy. People. Other people. But also the stupid Easter candy.
2. Fruit Flies – They don’t really have a citrusy taste like most other fruit and they aren’t very fly.
3. Cavities – Just a dentists way of paying for their cruise in July.
4. ITT tech -They don’t even have dorms. Or a lunch room.
5. My minions – After all these years, still incapable of doing my bidding.
6. Moving – Across the country or just getting up from the couch. Not a fan.
7. Those creepy Happy Meal things – Their cold, crazy eyes.
8. Rainbows – Disappointing me with the lack of gold at the end of them since 1973.
9. Tomatoes – Are they a fruit, a vegetable, or a bread?
10. Statues – That creepy one of Lucy, that one of Liberty, the one not built for me in the Bitter Hall of Fame yet?
11. Wax – The only thing that makes celebrities look even creepier.
12. Vending machines – More like Stealing Machines.
13. Interns – Why do mine keep demanding to get paid when no one else pays them.
14. Golf carts – For the woman or man that is too sophisticated for a remote control car, but not grown up enough for a car.
15. Gumballs – Gum is just fine in a square shape.
16. Balloons – I’m still looking for that one that fly in the air 35 years ago.
17. Monkeys – If that is our closest evolutional ancestor we are in trouble.
18. Apples – Always mixing with others. Pineapples, Caramel Apple, Bobbing for Apples…
19. Cheese – My son told me I had to use this one. I guess cause it is 100% Sargento’s cheese?
20. Lamps – They are the minor leagues of lighting that just fit over our heads.
21. Ladders – Associated with black cats, soo…
Alright halftime. Take a bathroom break, get me some pizza, grab a soda, buy a Bitter Ben souvenir T-shirt..and everyone come back. Everyone uncomfortable now? Okay, back to the list.
22. Halftimes – Why do we need halftimes? It totally screeches momentum to a halt. Put the bench guys in, make them play while you are talking strategy in locker room, and people can get popcorn when they get hungry. Or they can decide, hey I don’t freaking need popcorn.
23. Thrones – Especially when I’m the throne and my son is the king.
24. Renaissance Fairs – Dingy Jesters are the clowns/mines of the whatever Era that was.
25. Advil – The watered down version of Aleve.
26. The music on Lifetime Network – Nothing drowns out bad acting like really loud music.
27. Construction paper – I’ve never seen a bridge or street being repaired by construction paper.
28. Salted Caramel – Are you salty? Are you sweet? Can you just make up your mind how you are ruining my stomach?
29. Short naps – Such a tease.
30.Batteries – Constantly needing recharging. Even more than me.
31. Cops shows – How many ways can we portray a murder?
32. FBI shows – How many “weird geniuses” can solve a murder?
33. Crime shows – How interesting are shows about cops solving jaywalking tickets crimes?
34. Patricia Arquette – I haven’t seen the movie she won the academy award for, but I saw the clip of her supposed “Academy Award” winning acting and I was wondering what it was that was so fancy about it. I had more emotion when I got some watered down water in the fridge last night. And have you seen her CSI Cyber? A Lifetime Movie actress could pull that monotone better. The old person version of Kristen Stewart.
35. Skim Milk – They should just call it watered down water.
36. Weight lifters – It’s pretty easy to make me look weak, but weight lifters, a little overkill.
37. Squash – The sport or the Butternut kind.
38. The English Patient – I’m with Elaine on this one.
39. Old Reese’s – the cups or the mini’s. Unlike cheese and whine, they don’t improve with age.
40. Forgetting – What I was going to say.
41. This Smiling Sponge – Do you have any idea what is awaiting you?
42. Hashtags – # This is called a pound sign. Which I should do to the next person that uses a pound sign in a tweet or Instagram.
Yeah, I’m older than dirt, according to my wife. What she doesn’t know is that dirt is actually about three years older than me. So, you know, get your facts straight or something. Right now, I’m gonna go take my old people meds so I can survive, then go to bed at like 6:30 pm after I take my Metamucil. Stinks being almost as old as dirt.
Bitter ’42’ Ben