42 things I’m Bitter About

/ bensbitterblog

 

I was scared by a dog, just like Jennifer Lopez here.

I was scared by a dog, just like Jennifer Lopez here.

Yesterday as I was leaving work, I was absentmindedly strolling to my car, unaware that I was parked right by my co-worker A.  I totally forgot why this was a bad thing, until as I went to open the car door, a little too recklessly, I remembered that she has a dog that she keeps in car.  Clearly, I woke the dog up, and clearly the dog gave me a heart attack which caused me to lose a year from my life.  Because yesterday, I was 41 years old, and today I’m 42.  As is tradition on this blog, I come up with 42 things, almost out of thin air, that make me bitter.   Because today, it’s MY party and I’ll be bitter if I want to.  42 times if I want to.  So you better sit down, cause I’m the Bitter King today and you are my disloyal subjects that need some learnin’ about the power of Bitter.

1. Peeps – Not those stupid fluffy sugary messes of Easter candy.  People.  Other people.  But also the stupid Easter candy.

2. Fruit Flies – They don’t really have a citrusy taste like most other fruit and they aren’t very fly.

3. Cavities – Just a dentists way of paying for their cruise in July.

4. ITT tech -They don’t even have dorms.  Or a lunch room.

5. My minions – After all these years, still incapable of doing my bidding.

6. Moving – Across the country or just getting up from the couch.  Not a fan.

7. Those creepy Happy Meal things – Their cold, crazy eyes.

Look away before they posess you.

Look away before they possess you.

 

8. Rainbows – Disappointing me with the lack of gold at the end of them since 1973.

9. Tomatoes – Are they a fruit, a vegetable, or a bread?

10. Statues – That creepy one of Lucy, that one of Liberty, the one not built for me in the Bitter Hall of Fame yet?

 

Yes, that looks exactly like Lucille Ball.

Yes, that looks exactly like Lucille Ball.

11. Wax – The only thing that makes celebrities look even creepier.

12. Vending  machines – More like Stealing Machines.

13. Interns – Why do mine keep demanding to get paid when no one else pays them.

14. Golf carts – For the woman or man that is too sophisticated for a remote control car, but not grown up enough for a car.

15. Gumballs – Gum is just fine in a square shape.

16. Balloons – I’m still looking for that one that fly in the air 35 years ago.

17. Monkeys – If that is our closest evolutional ancestor we are in trouble.

18. Apples – Always mixing with others. Pineapples, Caramel Apple, Bobbing for Apples…

19. Cheese – My son told me I had to use this one.  I guess cause it is 100% Sargento’s cheese?

20. Lamps – They are the minor leagues of lighting that just fit over our heads.

21. Ladders – Associated with black cats, soo…

Alright halftime.  Take a bathroom break, get me some pizza, grab a soda, buy a Bitter Ben souvenir T-shirt..and everyone come back.  Everyone uncomfortable now? Okay, back to the list.

22. Halftimes – Why do we need halftimes? It totally screeches momentum to a halt. Put the bench guys in, make them play while you are talking strategy in locker room, and people can get popcorn when they get hungry.  Or they can decide, hey I don’t freaking need popcorn.

23. Thrones – Especially when I’m the throne and my son is the king.

24. Renaissance Fairs – Dingy Jesters are the clowns/mines of the whatever Era that was.

25. Advil – The watered down version of Aleve.

26. The music on Lifetime Network – Nothing drowns out bad acting like really loud music.

27. Construction paper – I’ve never seen a bridge or street being repaired by construction paper.

28. Salted Caramel – Are you salty? Are you sweet? Can you just make up your mind how you are ruining my stomach?

29. Short naps – Such a tease.

30.Batteries – Constantly needing recharging.  Even more than me.

31. Cops shows – How many ways can we portray a murder?

32. FBI shows – How many “weird geniuses” can solve a murder?

33. Crime shows – How interesting are shows about cops solving jaywalking tickets crimes?

34. Patricia Arquette – I haven’t seen the movie she won the academy award for, but I saw the clip of her supposed “Academy Award” winning acting and I was wondering what it was that was so fancy about it.  I had more emotion when I got some watered down water in the fridge last night. And have you seen her CSI Cyber? A Lifetime Movie actress could pull that monotone better. The old person version of Kristen Stewart.

Whoa, whoa, Whoa. Calm down Patricia. Not so much emotion!

Whoa, whoa, Whoa. Calm down Patricia. Not so much emotion!

35. Skim Milk – They should just call it watered down water.

36. Weight lifters – It’s pretty easy to make me look weak, but weight lifters, a little overkill.

37. Squash – The sport or the Butternut kind.

38. The English Patient – I’m with Elaine on this one.

39. Old Reese’s – the cups or the mini’s.  Unlike cheese and whine, they don’t improve with age.

40. Forgetting –  What I was going to say.

41. This Smiling Sponge – Do you have any idea what is awaiting you?

You're gonna be scrubbed to death.

You won’t be smiling soon.

42. Hashtags – # This is called a pound sign.  Which I should do to the next person that uses a pound sign in a tweet or Instagram.

 

Yeah, I’m older than dirt, according to my wife.  What she doesn’t know is that dirt is actually about three years older than me.  So, you know, get your facts straight or something. Right now, I’m gonna go take my old people meds so I can survive, then go to bed at like 6:30 pm after I take my Metamucil.  Stinks being almost as old as dirt.

 

ARRRRGGGGHHHHH

Bitter ’42’ Ben

153 thoughts on “42 things I’m Bitter About”

      • I JUST added the fourth B 🙂 Becki’s Book Blog lacked the terrifyingly adorable murder & mayhem theme I was trying for, so I added the Bloody to alleviate any confusion. When people search for cute, extreme horror, and books – I want the title to alert them that there will be blood. Possibly on kittens.

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        • Nothing like murder to bring people in the masses. I had a cat that I wanted to murder, because in the -30 degree weather she wanted to go out, we would open the door, she would freak out and run cause it was so cold, then a minute later wanted to go out again.

          Liked by 1 person

  6. Pingback: My Bitter Rivalry with Minnie Mouse | Ben's Bitter Blog

  9. Birthday Greetings today. Hey you are still young I will be 84 my next birthday. My blog today is about my home state Idaho. My blog is abook books I read and there are few other blogs about family and our Bengal cat Kato who will be 13 years this month.

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  10. Hey, Ben…Like them all, LOVE #40. (That’s number-40, not hashtag-40). You’ve raised bitter to an art form. All other bitters are just poor weak wannabes.

    What a perfect post for Suzie’s party!

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  13. Adored this!!!
    I already wished you a belated birthday but I shall add the word “bitter”.. 😀
    Furthermore, I may just need to borrow your bitter theme for my upcoming 40th..

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    • Thanks for the bitter birthday wishes. It was a tornado of talking to people and telling them thanks both on Facebook and in real life. Sooo fun!
      And feel free to borrow the idea. My 40th is actually when I started doing it. 3rd year now.

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      • Totally genius idea is what the 40+ thing’s to be bitter about.
        Fantastic satire!!!
        Not only did I laugh all along your post, I must have said “yep” 38 time’s. ;D
        (Not sure if you received my other comment as I see it’s a typical wonky wordpress Friday but I nommed you for an award yesterday.. On your birthday go figure.. Anyway if you don’t bother with awards cool, and if you do it’s The Creative Blogger Award. Because I am “link” challenged, you can find it previous to “LOKI SAYS” blog post on SASS-A-FR-ASS 😉

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        • It doesn’t take long to come up with them, but sometimes the comments after are hard to. It’s the little things that add up to the big things.
          And yeah, I got your other one about the award. Appreciate it!

          Liked by 1 person

        • Hmm..good point re the comments.
          Even though I am guilty of doing it too know that I think about it, who wants to hear Happy Birthday over and over again on one’s blog especially if one heard it all day at work not including phone calls…
          Thank f-*k that I am a loner and so won’t have to put up with all of that nonsense except here in the blogesphere!! I will remain forever grateful to you for the ” 40 and up, bitter list!”

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        • I think it happens to everyone on Facebook. All the people that are silent the whole entire year, all of a sudden come out of the woodwork and tell you Happy Birthday, like you are long lost friends. I actually like it better from the people on my blog, because they are my REAL friends. They are the ones reading commenting on stuff. My family and friends from Facebook have maybe commented twice. And I’m a loner too. If you were too meet me in real life. I would barely be able to put together two sentences.

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        • You have a very good point though Ben.
          The people here for the most part are all very good and genuine people. It doesn’t even matter what genra…we are all here to write and encourage one another.And it’s refreshing!! I have to say I’ve met some of the most wonderful friends and well, I call them family here too. I cannot stand the FB & G+ bs and drama so it’s lovely to be a very small part of the many, that make the very huge beating heart of the Press.
          Yes, in real life I’d either be shaking like a rabbit or yap, yap and more yapping…

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  15. First of all, Hippo Beefday! Secondly, this is hilarious. Especially the whole Patricia Arquette thing. That CSI Cyber show is physically painful to watch. Holy. Crappers. SO BAD.

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  20. Forty two is child’s play compared to what’s happening to me next week. I’m having one of those birthday milestones where you want to leave town and never come back. Or you can’t remember where you live so you can’t get back. One or the other. Happy, happy, happy birthday young man.

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  24. That is one creepy sponge. Happy birthday though! Happy bitterday? I don’t think 42 is old. You’re only as old as you feel. Although you seem to feel 42, so I guess it works out.

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  25. I will disagree with you on a few of these things like gum, cheese and balloons. However, you are entitled to be bitter!!! Happy Birthday!!!!!
    Oh and why would someone leave their dog in their car? Why not be bitter about this? I bet the dog is bitter about this. Is that even safe? hmm not sure. Anyway, happy bitter bday!!

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    • But balloons are always leaving me. Could they stop floating toward the sun every time I let go?
      And you are so right about the dog. The problem being that in my office it has been a common occurance for many people to do the same thing and I am so conditioned to it, that I didn’t even think about it twice. But it is appalling. They should lose their pet parent licence.

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  26. Well, I’m bitter that your Lucy statue wasn’t a gif, because it was so DANG LIFELIKE that I thought for sure she’d start a little soft shoe number or cry/yell at Ricky. I almost laughed when I read “The old person version of Kristen Stewart” but I am also bitter because I was just 42 reasons bitter a month ago and am now 43 reasons bitter. The 43rd reason will be Kristen Stewart, whom I had to watch on Jimmy Fallon last night with my failing old eyes. #40 (in case you forgot, it’s forgetfulness) will just expand and seep into every realm of your life, never getting better, leaving you lost in the pharmacy aisle of Walmart at 1am on a Tuesday.

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  28. Happy belated bitter birthday. xoxo I suppose the “xoxo” makes you bitter, too? Oh well, at least I commented. Nothing makes me more bitter than getting a like on my page and not getting a comment. 🙂 #happybirthdaybitterben

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  31. Okay, I just texted you happy birthday wishes, so on to this post.
    But before I get to the actual list of the post, I have to ask . . .
    You have a coworker who LEAVES A DOG IN A CAR? All day? Are you for serious right now?

    Moving on.

    There were some things on this list that kind of made me *handface*. Got a few chuckles out of it (especially about your son using you as a throne, because that’s pretty funny).

    I actually don’t know that I’ve ever seen that actress in anything, but if you’re comparing her to Kristen Stewart, I’d rather not. I can’t stand the emotionless, monotone thing (unless that is supposed to be the character, which is rarely the case).

    Who could be bitter about cheese? It is amazing and wonderful.

    I call skim milk something similar to weak coffee. (Milk-flavored water, coffee-flavored water. The only difference is all coffee is pretty much nothing more than coffee-flavored water. >.>)

    The sponge is creepy.

    Is that statue really supposed to be Lucille Ball? Because . . . no.

    I feel like I had about fifteen other things to comment on, but I’m going to have to go with #40 . . . >.> (And I had to scroll back up twice just to see that number, if that tells you how forgetful I am. If being two days off about your birthday doesn’t say enough.)

    Anyway, I shall now reiterate my text-based birthday wishes! I really do hope you have a fantastic day. And I don’t think anyone is too old to celebrate birthdays if they enjoy celebrating birthdays. (I do not, but that’s just me.) So I hope you do something nice today, even if it’s just eating a special meal or something. Or watching Die Hard when you get home from work or something. (Or The Matrix, or Transformers, just saying for a general idea.) Whatever you end up doing, I hope it makes you extremely happy and that all things are generally just awesome and amazing and beyond wonderful.
    HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BF!

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    • Thanks, BF for the birthday wishes. Yes, there is someone who leaves their dog in the car. And I still get scurred everytime I forget it’s there.
      Yes, sonny boy used me as a throne as I was writing about it. He is so king like it isn’t even funny sometimes.
      Patricia Arquette? She’s so bad. She doesn’t even deserve to have an acting card, and yet she won an academy award. If you ever see CSI Cyber, she is the lead person.
      Yes, cheese is delightful unless it is stinky cheese.
      That sponge is fun to squeeze by yes, no one needs to see that thing smile.
      Thanks for the birthday wishes, BF! Hope to hear from you soon!

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  37. Glorious! And also, happy birthday once again. The only thing I can’t really get behind is bitterness about cheese. I love cheese and often indulge in entire blocks of it at once (not the “city-sized” blocks although now I’m thinking that wouldn’t be so bad with smoked gouda).

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  39. I am ten years bitterer than you are. Things are looking up, you might get 42 comments here. Or 43 just to screw it up.

    You don’t like cheese but you like pizza?

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  40. Happy Birthday BB. Older than dirt at 42? Really? That Lucille Ball stature gave a whole new meaning to the word creepy. So when they do yours, what material should they use and where would you like it mounted?

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    • Yeah, according to my wife. Yeah, that Lucille Ball statue was ridiculous. I think if I ever had a statue it would be even more ridiculous. As far as placement, I would love to have it near the one with Disney holding Mickey’s hand and me mocking it very rudely somehow. It would be pretty awesome to get that kind of noteriety right in front of millions of Disney Fans. Talk about a Disney Villain. I would be the best one.

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  47. Well, just to make you more bitter, there are things on this list that could have definitely been spread over two categories, Peeps for example, so I had problems from the get go. Golf carts? Thrones? Lamps? Especially the shades I know you like to wear on your head. All potentially things to not be bitter about!! So lighten up and enjoy your Bitterday! Or be bitter cause I tried to ruin it!

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