We have a tradition on Sundays. Most every Sunday we get home from Church at about 2 pm, we change quickly into our sweats/jammies, quickly eat everything in the house, and then settle into our spots in our family room(or the TV room). There are 4 chairs and a couch in our living room. The other three in our family configure into one of the 4 seats (including the chair for the computer.) As you probably know, it is almost non negotiable that I lay on the couch, just as it is non negotiable for my wife to get the remote. The tradition is that we watch a Lifetime Movie or 10.
I used to fight it, because why would I want to watch the disasters of lives of the people they portray so badly in these movies? Seriously, how bad can you act? But as I found out a few months ago, I only have maybe 2 or 3 shows that I like because they are good or funny. The rest of the time I watch TV, I do so I can make fun of it. And what network is an easier target for me than the Lifetime Network.
After all those years of making fun of it, I realized something on Friday. For years, I’ve been trying to figure out what to do with my poorly structured and less than ambitious writing skills (write a book, start a bitter blog, write for the onion.com, write movies, etc.). Well, I’ve decided that I am not going to do any of those. Reason being: They are too hard. You know me. Writing is what I do on this blog, but it takes a lot of effort. Not so much the typing, though that is pretty hard, but the thinking and the grammar and logic involved with at least putting a sentence together that kind of makes sense.
It’s been backbreaking work that I do for free. But then I thought, “Why? Why work so hard on writing blog posts for free when I could be so lazy and write Lifetime Movies for lots of money?”
I know that seems like a lofty goal for me, but it isn’t. Writing for the LTN requires that you write unintentionally funny dialogue, come up with whacked out crazy characters (and sometimes they are based on real people, so the writing takes care of itself), and work with terrible F list actors and actresses. When you have those F list actors to deal with, you could throw in a line like, “Banana facing is my jam” and they would still take it as seriously as an Oscar worthy monologue.
Though Lifetime has taken the cheese factor to a level not seen on TV before, they haven’t gone far enough. I can offer them a laziness in writing they have not seen before, while providing them just enough of a framework of a story that it almost makes sense. Though my resume is not necessary because they only need to ask any of my readers, I offer up my blog as my resume. Not only does it show my consistently bad writing, but it also shows my ability to be an unoriginal hot mess of a writer that would be a great parallel to the hot mess of the network, the actors, musicians and other writers. Not only will they want me, they will need me.
Run on sentences are specialty of mine. Stilted dialogue, a given, cliches running all the way up and down the page, a plague of inconsistency, mixed metaphors like a trailer park in a zoo! I know the psyche of the messed up teen, as I lived it. I’m totally inside the brain of the hard working lawyer type that is the “cliched safe, comfortable choice for the romantic comedied girl”. (Okay, I don’t really know anything about that guy. Who works late for fun?) And as far as my experience with women, I’ve met a few before, but can hardly understand what they are talking about so I would be the perfect person to write the cliches of a women that Lifetime desperately seeks.
As a non classically trained writer (could barely stand English classes in college), I feel like the perfect person for the job. Give me a call Lifetime, and I will be the writer for your scripts that you secretly knew you had to have, but didn’t know until I wrote this post.
ARRRGGGHHHHH
Bitter Lifetime of Screwups Ben
Pingback: 42 things I’m Bitter About | Ben's Bitter Blog
“Banana facing is my jam.” <– This line is my jam.
LikeLike
I think Mr. Michael Scott would agree.
LikeLike
I had such a hard time concentrating after seeing that you weren’t going to do any of what you listed off that I honestly couldn’t take in much of this after that.
. . .
PLEASE TELL ME YOU ARE GOING TO CONTINUE TO WORK ON YOUR BOOK.
I don’t know if you were just saying all that for this, or if you were being serious. You HAVE to work on that book. It’s just such a fantastic idea/concept that you can’t not. (I’m double-negativing here, and if you knew how many times I’ve corrected typos in this comment, you would understand how dfsdkjfksdfjskdfjdsk I am right now.) O.o
LikeLike
I will never stop working on the book until it is published. It will probably be the thing that I am doing while on deathbed.
LikeLike
I personally like to yell at the TV “I could have written something better than that”, but I didn’t so I usually conclude “Carry on, and fill me senselessness.”
LikeLike
I’ve decided that I couldn’t write something better than that, so I will just join them in their terrible writing. Might as well make money and enjoy the cheesiness.
LikeLike
How are you going to fit that in with your gardening endeavors?
LikeLike
I’m going to have to give up the gardening blog. It was just way too much work.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Ha was it now?
LikeLike
Yep. That one post and picture took it all out of me.
LikeLiked by 1 person
You might need to rest on the couch for a month.
LikeLike
I would really like to find out how much rest I need by trying it out.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Well go for it!
LikeLike
I’m trying to do it at work, but people keep waking me up.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Well they need to stop
LikeLike
I know. Someone has to stop all the nap interferences.
LikeLiked by 1 person
But you’re probably too tired to do that right?
LikeLike
Yeah, I’ll probably sleep through that meeting.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Just don’t snore and give yourself away. Paint open eyes on your eyelids.
LikeLike
It’s too late for that. People just know that they need to wake me up when something important happens.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Aha!
LikeLike
They should just get back to work and stop bothering me.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Agreed!
LikeLike
Napping is king!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Shhh…sleeping here..
LikeLike
Sorry to wake you up but it is the next day now. Now I’m 42.
LikeLiked by 1 person
So?
LikeLike
So I did a post about 42 bitter things.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Oh I haven’t gotten to reading posts yet. I think we’re about 2 hours behind you guys with time change.
LikeLike
I thought you were in the same time zone. Aren’t you Pacific?
LikeLiked by 1 person
Nope I’m in mountain time.
LikeLike
That’s right. You’re way up in the Edmonton mall or something.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Ha well not really. We are about 5 hours northwest of Edmonton.
LikeLike
So you live in the Yukon Territories? Do you have like any neighbors? How does wi-fi work?
LikeLiked by 1 person
Nope we live in Grand Prairie northern Alberta area. Everything works just fine and I wish we didn’t have neighbours. One of them is brutal and an arson.
LikeLike
I still can’t even believe people live there. I’ll have to Google Map it to see what it looks like.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Neither can I. It’s a horrible place to live. Can’t wait to get out of here actually.
LikeLike
You should probably move to the states.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yes maybe except your medical care is worse than ours and ours is bad..lol
LikeLike
Ours sucks so bad and is so expensive.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yeah I hear you!
LikeLike
I need to sneak into Canada and get some medical work done.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Such as? Cause a lot is not covered here too.
LikeLike
I’d like to be able to visit a doctor without having to visit another doctor to visit another doctor and get charged like 20% for each visit.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Well you may not get charged for the visit but you will very likely get blown off by docs here or passed to another.
LikeLike
That I’m used to. But not having to pay for it, relieves the sting a little bit.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I guess. We still feel stung here. Also I have to drive 5 hours one way if I want to see a specialist who will also usually blow me off.
LikeLike
Do you have to drive 5 hours to get to a grocery store too?
LikeLiked by 1 person
Well it feels like it about 25 mins..
LikeLike
There have one in the same town as you?
LikeLiked by 1 person
Say what?
LikeLike
I meant to say “They have one in the same town as you?”
LikeLiked by 1 person
No we live in a small town with almost nothing in it so we have to drive into the city to shop. It’s a pain in the bitter @$$
LikeLike
What city is nearby you?
LikeLiked by 1 person
Grande Prairie
LikeLike
That sounds like Little House on the Prairie, except more primitive.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I love “Little House on the Prairie” Yeah this is house in hell on earth..lol
LikeLike
So your show could be called Little Hell on the Prairie.
LikeLiked by 1 person
It could but maybe replace “little” with “big” you would love it here since it’ so bitter.
LikeLike
Thing is, I don’t need to go somewhere else to be bitter. So thanks for your offer to move to a bitter location, but noooo.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I don’t blame you. Bitter might turn to misery up here.
LikeLike
Cause we know you are miserious up there.
LikeLiked by 1 person
We are. Mawahaha!
LikeLike
Which is why you blog all the time. Kind of like why I blog at work all the time. Cause I miserous at work.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yes and now I have new website.
http://www.lowrydersanimaltails.com (Launching soon)
LikeLike
Is that to replace yours or for a completely different purpose?
LikeLiked by 1 person
For a different purpose. The About page is up it will tell you. 😉
LikeLike
I’ll go check it out….if I get time.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Okay
LikeLike
what was the link again?
LikeLiked by 1 person
To the website you mean?
LikeLike
yep. I’m too lazy to go back to the old comment.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Ha okay.
http://www.lowrydersanimaltails.com
LikeLike
Stop it. Your dog is starting a blog? The very thing that I finished second place to? Is this your late April Fool’s revenge on me for creating a gardening blog? How dare your dog !
LikeLiked by 1 person
Oh my goodness I forgot about that! Aha! It isn’t but now that you say it, consider it so! Touche!
LikeLike
This would have been a good one for next year, but since you already did it and because it is real, you can’t do it on me.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I already did in a sense. 😉
LikeLike
I’m glad you got one over on me. Now I have something to be bitter about.
LikeLiked by 1 person
See just trying to help spread the bitterness
LikeLike
There is nothing like spreading bitterness. See?
LikeLiked by 1 person
You’re so right. I’ll keep looking for ways to make you bitter. Care for an onion?
LikeLike
I care not for an onion. That already bittered my day last week. Something new this week please.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Onion ring?
LikeLike
Even worse. Hiding a surprise under all the breaded stuff.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Well over here there’s a lot of talk about caramelized onions. I can’t seem to convince anyone that they’re gross.
LikeLike
Carmel and onions together? Holy gross.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I know right! I need your support over here on this one. I’m all alone. Guaps started it.
LikeLike
Where am I supposed to show my support? I don’t know if I can go on you puppy website. Too many bitter memories.
LikeLiked by 1 person
It’s on Gibber
LikeLike
On what post. Link me up!
LikeLiked by 1 person
https://gibberjabberin.wordpress.com/2015/04/24/stripper-name/
LikeLike
It sounds like you are way deep on that one. I’ll let you take that one.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Pft thanks.
LikeLike
Looks like you had it handled.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Bad scripts, washed up actors, soap opera scenarios and somehow everyone makes money. There’s a lid for every pot, I suppose.
LikeLike
Why reach for the stars when the pot of gold is so much closer and a let more oxygen on earth.
LikeLike
Haha I would totally watch one of your lifetime movies!
LikeLike
Well, when I get the contract to write some I’ll let you know and I will post it on my blog. Then I will probably take my career elsewhere, probably to the B.E.N. Bitter Entertainment Network that I’ve been trying to launch.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I approve of B.E.N. !
LikeLike
I just need to start a Kickstarter where people donate millions to it, and then I will start it up.
LikeLiked by 1 person
You might be too good for Lifetime. It takes a special breed to write that crap. But I do love it.
LikeLike
I think I’m just right for the Lifetime Network. My life might not be a disaster like the ones on the movies, but I have a pretty good handle on bad dialogue and cheesy characters.
LikeLike
Do it do it! “Bitter Lies” might be a nice title for the film.
LikeLike
I think just about anything with the term bitter will be something up my ally.
LikeLike
Your writing doesn’t suck (or were you fishing for that very compliment?), but I’m sure you can dumb it down to Lifetime movie levels. I love the cheesiness of Lifetime movies (I love writing about cheesy movies in my blog; must start doing that again), but I usually don’t watch them all the way through because the dog dies or Grandma dies, and I’ll just get mad when they’re all happy ever anyways. I grind my teeth too much as it is. You’re not going to kill any pooches are you?
LikeLike
I just think Lifetime could use someone like me who can write bad scripts and cheesy dialogue. I won’t kill pooches, but I may not include them either.
LikeLiked by 1 person
OK, I will watch your Lifetime movies. Let me know when they will air.
LikeLike
Yes, I will get at least one persecutor who will make fun of my shows and generate the amount of interest that will keep me employed there.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I will definitely write blog posts about any Lifetime movies you write that I watch.
LikeLike
Well, I bitter get on getting hired by them then.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hell, maybe I should just switch careers myself.
LikeLike
I think way too many people want to be famous for good acting when you could be famous for bad acting and get about as much money. See: Sharknado.
LikeLike
Haha! As my mother says, “People make fun of their bad acting, but I bet they are laughing all the way to the bank.”
LikeLike
That is my plan. I don’t care about the fame or the oscars, I just want some steady money and a raspberry award.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I am a desperate actress needing to get paid for my bad acting, so I’m in if you write a screenplay.
LikeLike
I can arrange for many bad scripts to be written for your specific bad acting abilities. Now we just need to find the specifically bad producers and directors to join the bad cause.
LikeLike
Come to LA, throw a stone, and you’ll find them.
LikeLike
I have been to LA several times as well as being born there. I remember several times when I was 5 being asked if I had any scriptwriting experience but telling them that I was still learning how to draw with my crayons, but come back in a few years and I’ll be learning the alphabet and I’ll pound a script or two for you.
LikeLiked by 1 person
My favorite Lifetime show was “Unsolved Mysteries” for the longest time. The theme song scared the shit out of me. And I can’t help but giggle at the horrible early 90’s outfits. Definitely has to be the worst time for fashion…that awkward transition from the late eighties to early 90’s.
LikeLike
Yeah, and I had to be in the thick of it when I was in high school/college. It was such a strange time.
LikeLiked by 1 person
“Unsolved Mysteries” was the creepiest show ever. The synthesizer music, the realistic re-enactments, Robert Stack’s intense gaze. Man. Lifetime tried to act all cute and whimsical by day, but at night, they were all balls-to-the-wall terrifying.
Maybe Bitter Ben can do a relaunch? “Unsolved Mysteries” can’t be any scarier than their made-for-TV movies.
LikeLike
If I try to relaunch something like that it would be about the cops that were bitter that they chased the mysteries for years and ended up ruining their lives because they become obsessed.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Especially Robert Stack in his trench coat appearing from behind the mist. Scarier than Michael Myers.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Ah, Lifetime. If you want to feel like maybe your life isn’t as much of a disaster as it actually is, Lifetime is there to help. Sure, I have problems, but I’m not a unlicensed doctor who knocked up my finance’s mom or something. Thank you, LTN, for making me feel like I have my ish together.
LikeLike
And just think. You may someday know the guy that wrote that garbage and will have to end of thanking me for making your feel like you have your ish together.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I feel this going the way of that Seinfeld episode where they try and pitch a show to a network and hilarity ensues and then the characters manage to show themselves as the insufferable humans they definitely are and it all falls apart. Are you sure you don’t want to show them B.E.N.?
LikeLike
I think maybe it is time to start ramping up production on B.E.N. and stop working for Lifetime. Though I will probably need your help with the Poetry channel, since I don’t do that.
LikeLike
Well we’ve gone into business before Ben and it really just consisted of you telling me how you weren’t going to pay me for the work I wasn’t going to do.
LikeLike
So just like how it is in any business? My job not paying me and me not working. At least you get all kinds of bitterness to be around.
LikeLike
This is very true! Spread the bitterness!
LikeLike
I’ve tried to spread it far and wide with my blog, but I think it will be necessary to start pumping more content into the B.E.N. if it’s every going to go worldwide.
LikeLike
That’s why you hired me, right?
LikeLike
Yep. Plus I don’t pay you, so that is another reason.
LikeLike
The only requirements for a Lifetime movie are that someone has to get cheated on or pregnant, then fill in the margins around that. It could even be footage of you watching Lifetime while lying on your couch.
LikeLike
I should probably throw those few subjects into a hat and mix a bunch of other random things and make a movie out of the parts.
LikeLike
Maybe we could collaborate sometime, because I have a ton of ideas that have the potential to go nowhere, just like the best movies on Lifetime.
LikeLike
I’m always down for a good collaboration! We could co-write most of the Lifetime movies in a few days.
LikeLike
Oh my god I was watching a terrible Lifetime movie last weekend and was thinking who in the hell is this interesting for? I had to turn because, though they are usually funny, this one was just painful. Good luck with your endeavors of writing about crazed caregivers, scorned lovers, obsessed mothers, prostitutes, and mothers fighting to get their children out of the system!
LikeLike
There are very few Lifetime movies that I don’t completely crack up about. My daughter and I do the critic thing and it would crack a lot of people up if we recorded all of it.
LikeLike
This honestly made my day, and made me re-think my writing goals…
😉
Thank you!
LikeLike
Sometimes you just have to look at your writing and make the right fit. Not everyone is onion.com witty.
LikeLiked by 1 person