This post is going to be all about me, as usual. But in thinking about myself and how things are going, this post might affect those who read this a little too. I mentioned in an earlier post this week, that our fiscal year end comes to a close and things start slowing down. It is in these slower moments that as an introvert, I take a little time to reflect. I’ve been thinking a lot about my writing and how it has progressed from my first posts. Back then I would just start out thinking about something obvious that would make me mad, like traffic or trees or Facebook that everyone thought about, but as I continued writing about things, I started to see more depth and meaning behind my posts. You may not notice, but through all the sarcasm and wittiness there is some pretty heavy meanings behind some of my posts. Not all of them, but sometimes hidden under all the silliness and subcontext there is a layer. Maybe not cake, but definitely an onion.
Some of you might know that I’ve been writing a book for a long time(about six years) and it takes a lot of time. It’s a pretty epic book and would make a pretty awesome movie, but the more I delay working on it, the more I risk the idea getting stolen. There are starting to be more movies and books that are similar. Of course, the way I write it, it will be different because I’m writing it right? (is that enough rights for you?) But, between full time work, a full time family, a full time hobby (video games) and full time laziness, there isn’t a whole lot of time. So, I think about it and wonder, Should I make my novel into a short story? Or a kids book? Should I cut out something in my life? Like sleeping? Or eating? The job? The family? Should I learn to apparate so I can make it places faster?
Then I thought about the blog. Yeah, it’s award nominated (see just about any post in the last month), and yeah there are a few people that like to read my poorly executed rough drafted posts, but Micheal Jordan walked out in his prime, why wouldn’t I walk out in my bitter prime? Or, should I reinvent the blog to something that takes less time? Like drawing stick figures and posting two words about them? Then, one day, I was out pulling weeds, and it hit me. I am a Gardner. Not by profession, but by last name. I’ve never done much gardening. I may have cut grass before and my mom made me do weeding a couple of times when I was growing up, but that’s it. I need to live up to my legacy. I need to learn how to Garden. So I decided that I am going to start. And I am going to write about my adventures. Take pictures. Talk about dirt, and weeds and grass and fertilizer and mulch, even the best gardening tools. And what better way to be able to reflect, and think about blog posts. And about book ideas. And my family will be so happy that I actually got off the couch and made their grass so much greener (on the other side). I know it sounds crazy, but I’m going to start a new blog about gardening. So, I’m just hoping that if you were brave enough to follow my bitter blog, which I will still keep up from time to time, you will follow me to my gardening blog too. We’ll have the best dirt time ever! Who knows, maybe I will have some bitter gardening experiences and combine the two.
So here is my big leap! You can connect with my new blog, THE BIG GARDENING TOOL. Because I’m the biggest tool! Until then, may the grass be with you!
ARRRRRGGGGHHHHH?
Bitter Gardening Tool Ben
I checked out this post like you told me to! Clearly I’m a few days late (a week, but a few days since you told me).
Before I get to the actual serious stuff in this, I just have to say that was a pretty good April Fools thing. I’m not really into playing jokes and whatnot, but I liked that one a lot because nobody got hurt and feels bad. (Why does that always seem to be the case? I’d rather not communicate with anyone on April 1st, tbh.)
Anyway, about the book stuff.
I worry about my ideas getting stolen A LOT. It’s a legitimate concern, I think, especially when piracy is so frequent and whatnot. I mean, that just proves that there are some people out there who really just don’t give a damn about anyone else. So I totally understand that being a concern of yours. It’s a concern of mine as well. (Which is why I refrain from saying much of anything about any of my books until right before they come out.) It would be nice if the world were nothing but daisies, and rainbows, and sunshine, and wonderful people who would never THINK of doing anything bad to anyone else. Alas, it is not so. It’s a concern, for sure, and it’s one I’m sure all authors think about quite a lot. Very understandable.
That being said, I don’t know that you should make the book a short story simply to get it out faster. By all means, if you want to write it as a short story, write it as a short story. I just don’t want you to be disappointed in/with the end result. You for sure want it out the way you need it out. You know what I mean?
Yes, I know I seem to spit books out like crazy, but I DO understand how unbelievably difficult it is to find the time. In order to get mine written, I have to essentially disappear, seclude myself, not speak to anyone, not eat as much as I should, not sleep as much as I should, etc. It takes a CRAPTON of time, so I can only imagine how difficult it is with a full-time job, kids, etc.
THAT being said, I have every faith in you. (Thought I’d through that ‘every’ out there.) I really do think you can get it done, and also get it done in a way that you’re happy with. I know you’ve talked (to me and likely on here) before about cutting your posts down to make time for that. If that’s what you feel is best, then that’s what would be best for you, even if it’s only for a little while. I think you have to do what’s right for you (whatever that may be).
As I said before, your book idea really is a fantastic one. I genuinely believe that. And I know it’s something you want to accomplish, so I’m rooting for you to accomplish it. (Also to have a book with your name on it sitting on one of my bookshelves because SO COOL.)
Just know that I’m going to be supporting you 10000000000000% (was going to just do 100, but it didn’t feel right so I kept adding them) in all this and rooting for you always. 🙂
I don’t feel like I covered everything I wanted to in this, but I’m running the risk of writing you a mini-novel right here.
Also, again, HAPPY BIRTHDAY! 🙂
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Yeah, I thought this one would work because it wasn’t so far fetched and amazingly though I thought people would see right through it, as many did, some didn’t. They wished me well and told me good luck. It was pretty funny to reveal that it was a hoax. Though I do have a few followers, just because some people were nice enough to follow.
Thanks for always supporting me on my book. It has been a long road and will probably continue to be a long road, but I hope someday this thing goes to print. Just to see my name on a book would be amazing. Like yours.
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You ask, “Should I make my novel into a short story? Or a kids book?”
I’m thinking graphic novel, in the bitter tradition of Harvey Pekar’s “American Splendor.” “American Bitter” might work. I can see it now. . .
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Now I just need to find an illustrator that has just as bitter a tone and it will be sent to the publisher. Oh and I might have to write it too.
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Thinking does nothing but get you in trouble. STOP IT!!!!!
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I know thinking is not a good thing for me. Good thing it was just for an April Fool’s Joke.
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For what it’s worth, I’ve got a book I’ve been working on for so long, except for the actual writing part, that I’ve got it shaved down to a series of passive-aggressive comments about how someone should write a book about that.
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What is worse is I have wasted actual hours on actually writing and all those words will never see another person’s face except mine. What a bitter waste.
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You’re so good some people still didn’t get it even when you said April Fools! I think your suggestive picture blurred their minds. Good job.
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I even tricked you until the last moment. You just forgot to admit it.
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HAHAHA! This is my favourite April fools post I’ve read all day (granted I have only read three, but I’m sure this would be my favourite even if I read more). I followed your new blog and was genuinely excited about it…. but this is just too good!! Thanks for the laughs Ben!
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It took a little planning (which I don’t normally do) because of the extra website and all but it all came together to work for some people and amuse others. Glad you liked it and hope you found others that were better.
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You are too young for gardening! Wait till you reach a stage where all you have left to talk about is my garden this and my garden that. Off course it comes with PJ’s in day time, undone hair and food crumbs on clothes.
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Thank goodness this was only an April Fool’s Hoax or I would have had to commit to doing a gardening blog full time and I would not have liked that!
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Haha..it is a slow decline and a natural process. Once gardening becomes core of your existence, it’s time to call it a day.
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Thankfully, I don’t really want to do gardening. Too much work.
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I did guess what was coming but when I clicked on it and saw you doing some gardening! Well done Ben for the double bluff April Fool!
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I thought that a fake blog post and a picture would help the joke go even better. My daughter agreed.
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It worked!
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Then success for once!
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Before I click, I know where this is going. I’ve been prepared. Now let me go check…
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Good, I’m glad you knew. Many others didn’t and started saying their good byes.
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Bless their innocent hearts.
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Yep. They aren’t April Fool’s vets like you and me.
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I think you should actually do it…you seem to be at one with nature in that picture.
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I’ve had a couple others tell me to do it too. But mostly for the disaster it would be of me trying to garden.
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All the best Ben! Mr. Gibber and I are in the process of starting a new website business too. I’ve not told anyone yet but there it is.
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You just revealed your new secret and you also wished me well on my new endevors. I so totally got you! I don’t know if you can, but you should check out my one and only post. It’s pretty funny.
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I did see it and it is!!
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Totally worth your time. You get to see me with my sandals on.
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I left a comment huff..
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In a huff?
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You know it. There’s no other way..
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Good that means I got you extra good.
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Oh yeah you did. pft
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Nothing bitter than getting got. So you should be pretty bitter.
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Oh I am. I think you should make me some bitter or “Bitter Ben Cookies.”
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You shouldn’t be that bitter. Trust me you don’t wanna try those cookies.
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Okay just give me pizza then..
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I don’t know how you keep not getting the pizza I paid good Canadian money for that guy in town to deliver. Perhaps he is a bitter malcontent just like me. Did you not tip him once?
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My guess is he eats it on the way.
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It IS the best kind.
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pft
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“Should I learn to apparate so I can make it places faster?” – Love the Harry Potter reference! Also, video game playing is a valid full time hobby. Definitely don’t cut that out for Gardner-ing, namesakey though it may be. 😉
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Did you click on the link to my new website? You might just want to read the first post….
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Yes! Happy A.F.D! 😉
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Good. I just wonder if not everyone got it. You have to dig a little deeper to find it. (Get it, dig a little deeper?) But a lot of those things I said on there were true (about the book and trying to write about more meaningful things below the surface.)
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Bahaha, yes, I beLEAF I get it! I can definitely see that you are writing more meaningful things below the surface… for those who have eyes to see and ears to hear!
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Very nice. I’m a sucker for a good pun. I used to go around with my friends in college and knock on doors of girls and just start doing puns until they either kicked us out or laughed hysterically. It was nice to give them a little treet.
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I totally would have invited you in to stay!
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Too bad you didn’t go to the college I went to and at the same time. But I can’t see you ever attending my 2 year school up in super freezing Idaho and that didn’t have an engineering degree, though you may have enjoyed the religiously conservative nature of the school. Not too many parties there since it’s a Mormon school where there is no drinking etc. But that doesn’t mean we didn’t know how to have fun. IE knocking on strangers door and blessing them with our puns.
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I’m bitter that there will not be any gardening anytime soon from Ben’s bitter gardening blog. But I still enjoyed this post.
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You know who is ever more bitter than you about that? My wife. She was hoping to get me doing something around the house or outside it.
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Mission accomplished!
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Just for that though, now I have to go home and actually do some weeding. Dang it!
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I now am to blame. I think my work is done here. :O)
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Yep, you made it bitter at home. You will pay for your insolence! But on the other hand, you did make me more bitter…
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I’m proud and scared all at once. Such an odd feeling.
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Just watch your back at work. It’s still April Fool’s Day, and I have a long reach in this world.
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You’ll never find me. I just put on a black burglar mask (like the one you see thieves wear in those cartoons) to hide my actual identity. That, and I just purchased a ticket to Russia for an audience with Vladimir Putin, like Edward Snowden did to avoid extradition. Only I’m hoping to avoid extradition back to Seattle from the BBA (the Bitter Ben Agency) which is slightly more powerful.
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I can’t seem to find you now. It must be because of those glasses you are wearing like Clark Kent to disguise him from looking too much like Superman. My BBA will find you though. Even if you are standing right in front of our faces and everyone else finds you first.
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LOL 😀
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I have to say, I was like “Huh” this is so unlike Bitter Ben. He’s SO motivated, SO hands on, SO… WHAT? Yeah. Good one! Especially the play on your last name 🙂
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Which is why it tricked you, or tipped you off into knowing that it was an April Fool.
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This post makes me so happy! You’re going to write a gardening blog and then have time to finish that book. Well played, Gardener!
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You should probably read the first post of the Gardening blog. You will probably be disappointed.
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I AM SO STUPID. I realized what was going on b/4 I saw your comment and came here to delete mine! (I hate April Fool’s day; I once spent half a day in 1991 thinking the Boston Celtics had changed their name to the Boston Celtics (rhymes with Keltics)). Being incredibly adorable and CONCRETE are “my callings for the revolution.” Carry on.
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I think if you think about April Fools and the one that needs to do a prank (even though you don’t do one) you are more aware of everyone doing it. For me, April Fools comes at just the right time (after a really stressful fiscal year end) so I am always aware of people playing the pranks, especially on the internet. Sorry I had to do it to you, but there are some nuggets of truth in there, so don’t feel too bad.
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oh, good. you know i’m rooting for that book.
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Well, I’m holding you to buying it when it comes out. And my plan when it comes out is to sell it for $1,000,000 each. That way I only need to sell a few copies. And then they will be a collectors items and the wealthy will HAVE to have one and will pay whatever it takes to get one. Supply and demand.
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I started to feel like you were breaking up with us…. It was painful for a moment, just so you know how much we love your blogging. I fell for it, dang it all! Well played, well played.
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Yeah, for once I fooled someone! I used to be sad bad at pranks, but blogging has given me a whole different way to do it. They can’t see my face wrinkling up as I pull a terrible prank. Words are much easier for me to manipulate.
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Shit. You got me. I am way bitter about that.
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I feel bad for all the people who probably thought I could offer some insight about gardening. I am kind of a gardening tool though.
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I’m sure we will all be green with envy
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Did you check it out? I hope you will at least read the first post.
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I followed your big stupid gardening blog. Somehow I am convinced this is all part of an April Fool’s prank.
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Perhaps you should read the first post of the Gardening blog.
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Oy, you’re gonna pull a muscle1
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I do that every time I rise from the couch.
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So gardening should be like ten muscles. I don’t know if I want to read the blog. I think it will be all about you complaining how your muscles are sore and your zinnias didn’t really grow and how bitter you are about all that and it will really just be another Bitter Ben 2.
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Yeah, it would just be a retread except about a really narrow subject. It would get old even faster than this one.
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You can endlessly complain about how quickly the various plants are wilting in your backyard. I once had to do an experiment for my daughter where we put lima beans in water with paper towels and they were supposed to sprout. Ours looked more like black vomit. Just thought I’d share that with you!
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We have a very big history of killing the good plants and nurturing the weeds. Perhaps that’s what Gardening Ben can write about. Glad to hear you grow black vomit.
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Oh yes, the neighbors love it too!
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They are fans of your black vomit?
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I love gardening. I will definitely follow you!
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You should definitely read my first post. It will amaze you.
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Oohhhh you! I was all set to suggest you try a container water garden for me because mine was such an epic failure last summer. Guess I’ll just have to continue being bitter about that.
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Don’t people get all bitter when they are expecting to see something and then they get fooled right at the end? ARRGGHH!
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