So you’re going along, watching you favorite TV show, when all of a sudden, the subject changes. Instead of it being a discussion between Jeff and Abed about the difference between pillow forts and blanket forts, some other weirdo starts talking about “a serious disease and how it can be cured, with only minimal side effects like a bleeding ulcer or death”. I don’t remember a narrator, or the meadow people having a picnic being part of the show. I was complaining about it last night and my wife told me there is this thing called commercials. I’m still very confused why they interrupted the show or why they were talking about weird diseases, because I ignored it and hoped it would go away. Later another non sequitur came on about something called Restless Leg Syndrome.
My ears perked up because, I was like, hey that’s that thing where I bounce my legs constantly like I’m running a marathon that annoys the heck out of my co-workers. It said there was some pill for it, that will help calm my gams down, so I was like, sweet maybe I will not use that. I think the bouncing keeps my legs skinny and I love that because then they have to suffer to hold up the rest of the pear shaped thing above them.
While there is a cure for Restless Leg Syndrome, there is no cure for Restless Bitter Syndrome, bitter known as RBS. RBS is a disease where your brain is constantly bouncing ideas around your head about bitterness. While I have always had RBS, it didn’t become a full on disease until about 3 years ago when I started this blog. My brain would jet from one bad idea to the next, only rarely committing fully to doing a post. It started manifesting itself everywhere.
In traffic: Why is that guy’s rear bumper always running into my front bumper? Why does he keep putting a blinking light on the right rear side of his car? What do the red lights mean and why do they always coincide with him slowing down?
On Facebook: Why does this Accept Friend Request button keep popping up on my page? It’s kind of annoying so I just keep hitting it so it will go away. Why is that person showing me pictures of their surgery? I don’t even know who that is. What are these quotes about positivity? Why do they make no sense? Why does that stupid red number keep appearing over the world symbol? Is that how many people are going to be crushed by a meteor today?
On Twitter:
Laying on the couch: It’s Monday at 10:30 am. Was I supposed to be somewhere? Why do we keep getting calls from my work? Why is there this constant beeping when I’m trying to remember this dream? What is this burn in my heart? All I had was a pizza sandwich, some tortellini and a heap of chips and salsa. Who are these tiny people that keep talking to me and getting in the way of the TV?
Listening to music: When we went inside the grocery store this song was playing. Now, 15 minutes later, it’s still playing? I didn’t know they played 15 minute songs on the radio. Why does some weird guy with a deep voice keep interrupting the music and talking about the traffic? First my favorite TV show, now my least favorite radio channel? Why are the meadow people interrupting the music?
ARRRRGGGHHHHH
Bitter Restless Ben
The rail hitting the car is the very best and worth a great hoot. I always did like seeing A-Hole drivers get what they deserve.
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Yep, I always laugh when people try to speed right by me into another lane then end up behind an even slower driver.
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I think I catch the bitterness like the flu but then it leaves me. Yeah, thats it. Its not so permanent- once or twice a year everything and everyone sucks! But seriously people put strange things on facebook. Oh no thanks, I’ll look at your intestines and post-op pics some other time. There should at least be a warning or something – but nooooo, it is just there, without even asking – intestines!!! WTF people!!!! I do not under any circumstance want to see your drain! (I just recently encountered this on FB)
Obviously I’ve caught the bitterness bug – i just posted that my kids are assholes! Anyway what were the side effects for the Restless leg pills? And Ben – DVR – no commercials – I am afraid my friend that is the only way! 🙂 I am happily bitter!! yay!! oh no – I mean – whatever!!
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Even the happiest of people have the bitter flu every once in a while. I just have the full on disease and I like to share so everyone gets just a little more infected than they already are.
Sadly, I like commercials because I used to want to be an ad man. Oh, bitter dreams.
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Sam says he keeps getting this weird pain in his heart. I remind him it’s heartburn, and that’s a thing now. Kid won’t accept adulthood yet.
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I’ve got some bad news for you. I’m 41, almost 42 and I still haven’t accepted that I’m an adult. Heartburn on the other hand, I’m past the acceptance stage and way into the bitter stage about it,
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I’m sure there will be a pill for it soon. And that pill will cause erectile dysfunction, a bloody pancreas, and probably some form of diarrhea. But you will temporarily be free of bitterness.
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I don’t want to be free from bitterness, so of course I will only take the pill for its side effects, even though I’m the only one that doesn’t know it’s a placebo.
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“Why is that person showing me pictures of heir surgery?” Because they are a horrible person.
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That was really poor grammar and it’s stressing me out. Because he/she is a horrible person**
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You must really dislike seeing all the bad grammar I put out on each post. I apologize in advance for that post I will be writing in three weeks that you will cringe about.
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If I really knew that person, I’d say something. Perhaps I should stop letting strangers on my like these guys Scarface and Hannibal Lector that invited me to be friends.
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You have always had RBS.
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I did mention that in the beginning. The disease has really matured in the last 3 years though.
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Driving through a carpark: Why did that man leap out in front of me on the crossing and then smack the back of my car with his hand when I narrowly avoided crushing him beneath my wheels? Some people….
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I know right? I’m tired of pedestrians and bikers always running into me when I’m tweeting and instagramming. They could at least give me a heads up before you put a little dent in my car with their forehead.
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…Or dirtying up my tyre treads with their blood… Life is for like 80 years or so. Everyone knows Instagram is forever.
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Or causing all those gas tank explosions all over the streets.
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For some weird reason I too have found that excessive air quotes and even quotes in writing are a problem for me as I age. I fear that eventually my writing will only contain quotes. Everything will become a quote. I’m frankly a bit scared. I already have a problem with excessive punctuation. Will it continue and worsen? Allzpunctuation?
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Allzpunctuation sounds like something I’m heading for in the near future. My hands get really tired from all the air quoting, so I have to go home and relax them by playing video games.
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Nice tweets haha! You do seem a bit restless bitter Ben.I hate commercials too! I have switched my entire television watching experience to Netflix, Hulu and amazon prime!
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You know, if you want, you can follow my tweets and you can see them all the time. And I bet if you have an account it is full of awesome statements. I keep trying to go the Netflix, Hulu, Prime way, but other people that live in my house want the expensive cable thing.
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I have a personal twitter but not a blog twitter. I don’t actually like twitter very much…guess I’m just bitter about social media altogether. Cable….gross!
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I just throw all my tweets on one big account and make a mess. Tweeting isn’t for everyone that’s for sure, but I think you would be great at it. Delivering one liners like a boss!
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Haha thanks…my one liners are a bit off lately. Someone’s like… “Hey go put that in the file cabinet,” and I’m all like… “That’s what she said?” . I just don’t think she really said that ya know?
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That doesn’t seem off to me. That is the appropriate response. Or Maybe he was supposed to say it then. At least you honored the 10 year anniversary of the first Silly Office as my kids call it.
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I’m glad you have finally diagnosed me. I am bitter that you have not proposed a cure. I thought you were going to tell me about some medicine that will have bitter side effects none of which are death (because that would probably cure bitterness, but maybe not, maybe I’d just be a really bitter ghost).
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So you have a bit of restless syndrome? According to my dad, I have had it all my life. No really he commented on the blog today.
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I have little doubt that is true!
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He threw me under the bus and it feels just bitterly right. Because of course I blame him. Isn’t that what all bitter people do?
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Of course!
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My kids are working on blaming me already.
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And well they should.
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They will have a lot of ammo someday.
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