There is the younger and shorter individual in my house that has a philosophy about junk that is broken. You take all the hard earned money of someone else, preferably someone taller and older and you brow beat them into submission until they buy you a new one. If I did happen to like trees and I took a tiny speck of gold from a piece of jewelry made of a speck of gold and buried it the backyard and if that tree were nurtured by rain (which we have plenty) and didn’t need too much sun (which we have very little of) and if that tree grew to maturity (which I have none of), and if that tree grew branches that had leaves, and if those leaves were made of solid gold bricks, and if those solid gold bricks could then be made into seeds that would produce more solid gold trees, which could then be converted into solid green $100’s, then the younger and shorter person that lives in my house would have a solid philosophy. But since we don’t have one of those things yet, we have to find a bitter way to deal with junk.
Some EPA philosopher decided the “replace with new” idea wouldn’t work for everyone, so they came up with a “clever way” to deal with junk by giving us three words that started with R’s. Reduce, reuse, recycle. That was too many letters for me, so I decided to come up with my own philosophy. Obtain a storage unit, and put all the junk somewhere else. This is a much more efficient, creative and lazy adult way to waste money. You only waste $50 a month, you can go into denial about thinking you may need an item by storing it away(out of sight, out of mind) and someday, if you are lucky, your locker may appear on a reality show, where you can be embarrassed in front a maybe a million or more people(plus repeats).
It’s a win win win win proposition. You get to continually pay $50 a month for the rest of your life to store things you will never need again. There is a peace of mind knowing that you could have spent that money on something way more valuable like a potato gun for your next white elephant exchange, a foam finger, dance lessons on groupon that you will never actually use, or $50 a month on your 401K that you will waste at a later date.
Then, there is the satisfaction of knowing that someday, you will lose the locker, because of not paying for it for several months. Then, you get the satisfaction that some idiots on a reality show will that buy your “locker” for several thousand dollars more than they should have, because they saw something in the corner, a safe, that had nothing in it. But they didn’t know that. Your idiocy of buying a $1500 safe without having anything of actual value to put in the safe, has prepared you for this moment. A moment on national TV, where the bidder had to admit they were taken by the hope of the safe, and at the end of the show, in the summary, they were the big loser, because they banked on your storage unit.
The best part of all though, is telling that shorter, younger individual that you couldn’t afford to buy a new Nerf gun because you only have $50 at the end of the month and you haven’t paid your monthly storage unit fee. He doesn’t need to know that you haven’t been paying that for months and it has been seized and your storage unit is now in the possession of a reality show guy that is getting mad about it right now. All he needs to know is that we don’t have enough money for the Nerf Gun. He also doesn’t need to know that I will be buying a new $50 video game that will be in our future storage unit.
Remember to visit the Weblog Award Page and help me meet my goal of second place finish in the 2015 Weblog of the Year. A VOTE FOR ME WILL BE ONE STORED IN YOUR STORAGE UNIT OF FAVORS I WILL NOT PAY YOU BACK FOR.
ARRRRRGGGGHHHH
Bitter Storage Ben
I have the perfect religion for you: Zoloftarian. Worship of Zoloft, God of Tranquility. I worship it every day. Weeeeeeeee. I do the Eucharist as well, with Cabernet. The combination is . . . heavenly!
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Is that Zoloft God also closely related to Snooze the God of Sleep, cause this guy needs a nap after doing all the work today.
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Likely they are kissing cousins. 😀
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When I get home I’m going to take snooze for a spin on the couch.
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In another life I would be one of those offering ot help you with sorting. I’m too busy drowning in social media. 🙂 Loved this post and definitely voted. good luck! If there is a prize you can put it in the storage locker.
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Luckily, you don’t have to worry about helping me sort. We realized a long time ago that storage units were a waste. We went and got our junk out and realized we had no reason for most of it.
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I stored garbage in a storage unit once cause I was too lazy to drag the Damn dumpster to the street every week. Bit then, I must not be too lazy if I’m willing to work and pile my crap in a stinky storage unit. Hmmm I probably should’ve thought about this comment before I wrote it but I’ll submit anyways.
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That must have been fun for your neighboring lockers. Bitter smelling storage unit. I so wish that one could have been on Storage Wars.
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Oh you didn’t see that episode? It actually premiered on the latest one.
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I’m not a loyal watcher, so I guess I missed it. Hopefully there is a repeat I can DVR and watch. Can’t wait to see those dudes faces.
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As someone who loves to organize, I’d like nothing better than to go with you to that storage unit (on a sunny day); make 3 piles: 1 to trash, 1 to recycle and 1 to keep; absorb the KEEP pile into your own home and then save you the $50/month so you could buy even MORE video games.
Hi, Ben!
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You sound an awful lot like those people on that show where they move into a small house, so they need to get rid of a bunch of junk. I actually probably take up the least amount of space in our family. I have my video game corner, clothes, computer and stuff and that’s about it. And I am a little too good at getting rid of stuff.
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yeah, i’d pretty much like to live in something the size of your storage facility.
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I would like to like in a storage facility the size of mine, if it was 5000 square feet.
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hahhaha! You know what the first thing I think of when I think of 5,000 sq ft? All the CLEANING.
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Yes, of course that was the first thing I thought of too. (Hi, honey if you are reading my comments.) But second would be of course a hidden man cave with theater seating and a 40 foot screen.
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hahahahahh! (You’re so lucky. my husband never reads my blog.) ((it has also occurred to me that if I could afford 5k sq ft I could also hire a profession house cleaner))
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I was just saying that because really the cleaning was the last thing, but of course, I don’t want my wife to think that. She does read it occasionally, but I don’t think she reads all the comments. And yeah, I’m pretty sure you could afford a house cleaner.
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Less of a hedonistic treadmill and more like a money vortex.
Be proud-Be bitter
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Yes, storage units are a money pit. I still make fun of my uncle for having one stuffed full of nothing.
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They call it self storage but just try and move in…
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I wish to storage all my excess baggage there. My paranoia, my bitterness, my rage, my anger…
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two (tiny bit illegal) words: Structure. Fire.
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Hey talking about anything isn’t illegal. And if I was to convince someone that it was their idea and not mine….
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Speaking of video games . . .
Are you planning on getting Borderlands for XBox One? Or are you just going to leave it? Have you beaten those two yet?
I really wish they would’ve redone the first one as well. I decided I really don’t care much for the Presequel. 😦
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Yeah, I plan on getting the Handsome Jack addition. It will be fun to see them all at the same time. I assume you can transfer your data too.
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Yeah, dude, that is totally awesome. I read the whole thing out loud to the family at the breakfast table. I’ll be back, bro. Great stuff.
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Now that is some pressure. Was my blog blushing and stuttering when you were reading it?
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There are money trees in Hawaii. I’ve seen them! Maybe you should spend your $50 buying one of those and having it shipped to you…
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I’m pretty sure I will need to go to investigate in person for about a month.
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Yes, I agree. You would obviously need to try a few of the Hawaiian Islands – looking on only one island would leave your research/investigation incomplete.
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I forgot about those other islands. I’ll be needing the government to flip the bill to because research.
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For a moment there, I thought this was going to be a bitter version of The Giving Tree, but it seems you have left those short people without even a stump to sit on. Oh Bitter Ben, no one does bitter like you.
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I would probably think that it was about the Giving Tree, if I knew what the heck it was. My kids probably know what it is, because they are always giving away my money.
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You don’t know Shel Siverstein’s The Giving Tree?
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I think I’ve heard of it, but if so it was a long time ago. My kids probably know it more than I do. I assume it is about sad things that make people cry?
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Saaaaad frowny face (which I won’t actually put here because I’m sure any sort of happy or frowny face put on the blog of bitter would immediately implode!!!
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Yeah, you best put on your bitter face. I’ll have to see if my kids can read it to me tonight.
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Can’t wait to see your bitter stance on it.
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My bitter stance will be on a rooftop which I stand on arrogantly, then fall humiliatingly.
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That might be fun to watch.
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Hopefully YouTube sends out a cameraperson or two to capture the moment.
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If they don’t, I will.
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Oh, do you work for YouTube or some other network?
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I work for the Bitter Ben network, remember? I just don’t get paid.
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Oh you work for Bitter Entertainment Network? B.E.N. for short? You’d think you would know the name of it for goodness sake.
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Hey, what do you want from me? It’s not like I’m getting paid or anything!!
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You are getting paid in bitterness. How better to make you bitter than to make you do work, then not get paid for it?
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Well, you are my mentor.
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I’m more of a Bentor. You are making small strides on your blog. Keep poeming more bitterness and you’ll get there.
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Bravely muddling through!
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Not everyone can be as bitter as me, but you are trying and trying is half the battle.
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I thought failing was.
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Failing is the other half of the battle.
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Marissa, The Giving Tree actually made me cry… crying made me bitter. Super bitter. Stupid stump. Stupid tears….
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Sounds super sad. Maybe I will go home and cut down a tree.
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Oh gosh Doreen! Every single time!! To this day!!! Stupid bitter tears…pass the hankies!!
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There’s no crying in baseball…or my blog.
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