Bitter Business Bureau

/ bensbitterblog
The dentist will see you now.

The dentist will see you now.

It seems like everytime I turn around, some idiot is setting me up with a dentist appointment.  As you might have just surmised, I set a dentist appointment for today.  A lot of people I know would brush extra hard and floss just right today, but I don’t.  First of all, is any amount of brushing done today (or flossing? nah, hurts too much) going to reverse all the damage and neglect you’ve been doing for the last six months? Maybe, if you are an extra good brusher, or a super famous flosser, something different will happen today.  But you are not, and the same thing will happen.  The dentist will writhe in pain as he looks at your 6 cavities, and will gasp at the gums you’ve so carefully ignored.  Besides, by the time the “dentist” comes around to check your teeth the hygienist has picked at you like a miner looking for cavity gold, they’ve flossed you until your gums literally bleed, and they’ve drilled you with industrial strength excavator looking not only for your plaque but all the plaque that has ever been created by mankind.  Now that I think about it, why do I only set a dentist appointment every six months? Why don’t these guys and girls just come to my house twice a day if they are so concerned about my teeth being in such great shape? If they don’t, I think I might just report them to the the Bitter Business Bureau.

Alright, go ahead and tell me again, cause I wasn't listening.

Our motto: “We can hear you, but we aren’t listening.”

You know the Bitter Business Bureau.  The organization run by yours truly, whose motto is, “We can hear you, but we aren’t listening.”  We are an agency that is dedicated, even obsessed about both businesses and the consumers the busy them. We are there to make sure that the highest possible amount of misunderstanding takes place in every transaction.  Is a local business in your area showing you the level of disrespect that you crave? Was there some kind of customer service done well that you want changed to your dissatisfaction? Well, give us all call, and go through our multi-treed menus to nowhere.  If you need us there right away, text us and we will not be there, right away for you.  If a Fortune 500 company is out there looking out for your needs, fax us.  We have live robots right next to the fax machine ready to shred your complaints immediately after you send them in.

Pssst. I'm wearing Khaki's.

Pssst. I’m wearing Khaki’s.

Is Jake from State Farm calling you at two in the morning, whispering creepily to your husband about his khakis?  Is Flo from Progressive Insurance hanging out in alleyways trying to give you some device give your car some “unfair advantages” or “performance enhancing” fuel? Is Burger King’s King staring in an inappropriate way so he can offer you a free delicious Whopper?  Or is  Ronald the Clown from McDonald’s following you around trying to extra as-salt your fries?  Register a complaint with the Bitter Business Bureau and we will be on there…at our desks, napping and drooling because we just ate a delicious pizza, from the creepy Little Caesar’s guy wearing a dress, some leftover garland on his head, and a trident he borrowed from Aquaman to spear pizzas.

Dude, you don't have to dress up. Just get us a bacon pizza stat.

Dude, you don’t have to dress up. Just get us a bacon pizza stat.

The Bitter Business Bureau is there to fight for your case…of soda.  We are on your side…of beef.  If you are uncomfortable, we are really comfortable.  If you feel neglected, we feel like we had a big part in that.  If you feel used by the system, we feel like we built the system customized to meet your every use.  Just like with your neighborhood kids, we are there to hear what you are saying, but we are extra carefully not listening to you.

We can’t wait to ignore your every need!  Please remember to call, phone us, dial your phone, or ring your telly.  Also fax us, email us, text us, or come visit us in prison, person.

Make me your second place! (or first loser)

Make me your second place! (or first loser)

Remember to visit the Weblog Award Page and help me meet my goal of second place finish in the 2015 Weblog of the Year.  Cause those other pages are sooo boring.  And cutting down others will always make you look bitter, better.

ARRRRGGGGHHHHH

Bitter Ben’s Bitter Business Bureau

59 thoughts on “Bitter Business Bureau”

  1. Hahaa! I think I might like to work for the bitter business bureau. Shredding complaints and eating pizza delivered from dudes who are wearing dresses sounds fun 😀 Hope your dentist appointment went well. Although, I am an advocate for good oral hygiene, that first picture has scared me away from wanting to see a dentist for the next 10 years!

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  2. Flo is the worse. Is she a hoe or a garden implement from Pro Aggressive. Note she shows no figure, just the ruby lips that look surgarilly enhanced. No boy friend, no children and getting old. She should hook up with the caveguy or lives in the mancave insured by the Geicko. No sane ad man would come up with this stuff but then again no ad men are sane.

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  4. Both sections of this = hilarity. I love the Jake from State Farm bit. Also do you actually get to a dentist every six months? They make my appointment (apparently just like they do for you!) on their silly little postcards that I address to myself. But then when they come, I call and reschedule no less than three different times so by the time we’re done with all of these gymnastic maneuvers, a year has gone by – – a respectable time in between pain.
    Great post!
    Stephanie

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    • Are you looking for a job as a robot? Because yes, my robots are bitter failures. They keep letting faxes get through. Their shredders aren’t the best. Perhaps you could come up with a mathematical formula to make robots shred better? All I know is if I ever start this thing, you will be my first call. (Though I would probably never be able to afford you.)

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      • CTM. I already have a job as a robot. My boss sends me emails in binary code. No seriously. You think I am joking. But my boss actually does send me emails in binary code because he says I have the personality of a robot and thinks it’s funny. HR?

        Anyway, I’m sure I could come up with a mathematical formula to reprogram your dysfunctional robots. I might work pro bono for you – you know, for the good of the spread of bitterness.

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        • That’s is pretty awesome that you already have a job as a robot. You would be fully qualified for any job I asked you to do. In fact, would you mind just being the CEO, because while I created this thing, I’m way to lazy to run it. And thanks for volunteering to do this, but I think your math teaching to kids is way more important than spreading bitter. That’s my job.

          Liked by 1 person

  11. Sometimes I see typos and/or awkward phrases on your page, but i get the impression that these aren’t mistakes so much as ways to make me more bitter about the world.
    They are succeeding!

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  12. I assure you I am always up to the most bitter expectations at my job, leaving clients on hold and sometimes forgetting about them all together, never returning calls, and always acting super annoyed they are on the phone. I think I should get the Bitter Business Bureaus highest commendation.

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