Bitter Time out for Adults

/ bensbitterblog
Get to bed, bitter underling.

Get to bed, bitter underling.

 

I’m getting a little tired of telling my kids to get to bed.  Tired of telling them to eat their ice cream for dinner and tired of telling them to shower once a month, tired of telling them to bring me the remote control over and over again.  I’m tired of them making me go outside and move around.  I’m tired of telling them to put the seat up, and I’m tired of telling them to cough on people on not into their hands or arms.  Clearly, I’m a little tired.  Mostly, I’m tired of telling them that they are in time out, because why should I have to count down the minutes they should be there?  More importantly why can’t I be in time out? Oh right, because that would be a reward.  You know who needs a time out? Adults.  But not a time away from society.  We need different punishments. Like perhaps:

Quit fighting.

Quit fighting.

Celebrities.  In the adult world, these are the two year old spoiled brats that think the world revolves around them.  They have evidence that it does, because they assistants bring them the sun and show everyone how it revolves around them.  For that, they are getting a time out.  We are taking away your phones, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, your website, your swag bags, and your make up.  In addition, you are grounded from your agents, publicists, lawyers, assistants, posse and make up artists. None of them can come over and play for two weeks.

Stop oversharing.

Stop oversharing.

Your Facebook friends: If they don’t stop oversharing, putting up stupid quotes, liking every post, putting hashtags on every word, relinking every story on Buzzfeed, sending me requests to play Candy Crush, your posting privileges will be revoked for two weeks. In addition, you will have to start an online journal called a blog on Blogger so you can make some new friends.

Politicians: If they don’t stop lying to everyone, then Momerica is going to take away their allowance for four years.  No fund raisers, no illegal bribes, no salary, and no budgets.  They will have to figure out how to keep their promises living the same way all their friends live.

No allowance for you.

No allowance for you.

Weathercasters: Al Roker and all his local cronies better stop bullying us into thinking we can wear a short sleeve shirt when it actually snows or telling it to snow all February.  He also better stop taunting us with Phoenix and Hawaii weather in the winter and California weather anytime.  If he doesn’t stop he will suffer the same time out that Bill Murray did.  The Groundhog Day punishment.

Stop telling us the wrong weather.

Stop telling us the wrong weather.

Commercials: Stop being acting so bad.  Stop annoying your sister with S.A.M. in your pants or your uncle about how he can save on car insurance in 15 minutes or less, or Rob Lowe with his cousin poor decision making Rob Lowe.  If you don’t stop, then we are taking away your TV privileges.

No more TV.

No more TV.

Telemarketers: If you don’t stop calling people late at night, your phone privileges will be revoked.

No more phone for you.

No more phone for you.

Car Salesman: Quit annoying everyone that comes to your room.  Just because they stop buy to look at your cars, doesn’t mean they want to buy one.  If you don’t stop, I’m taking away your driver’s license.

Your driver's liscense is revoked.

Your driver’s license is revoked.

Refrigerator: If you don’t stop taunting your family every time they walk by, you are going on a diet.

Doctors: Stop making people wait in the waiting room just so you can tell them that there is nothing we can do or prescribe the same medicine you have already been taking, or we are taking away your waiting room.

Movie concessions: If you don’t stop charging an arm and a leg, we aren’t going to let you go out to watch any movies with your friends.

Bitter Ben: If you don’t stop being bitter, cranky, or sarcastic, we are going to make you come out of your room and talk to people.

NOOOOOOOO! I would rather die than come out of my room! I’m not coming out! Do you hear meeeee!

AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH

Bitter Time Out Ben

101 thoughts on “Bitter Time out for Adults”

  1. this infusion of bitterness just made possibly one of the worst days of my life more bearable. harumph! we don’t always need to cheer up but we do need to have a sense of humor about this crazy world.

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  3. Love all of your “punishments”, especially the car salesman one. I was legitimately harassed by a car salesman for weeks after he attempted to pull the old bait and switch on me. I could go on but you have no idea who I am!

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      • Going on: I went to a used dealership a few years back and gave them my absolute max budget. They found me my “dream car” and it was about $1,000 under my budget. I test drove it and decided to purchase it. Credit was approved and I filled out all of the necessary paper work. I was on the last page when I noticed that the price was actually $8,000 over my budget. There was a lot of back and forth before it was revealed that the only car they had in my price range was the first one they had shown me, and I had rejected it. They could have just told me that at first and saved nearly 3 hours of my life. I stormed off the lot and was then hounded by the salesman for nearly 2 weeks. Phew! That does feel better! Thanks for letting me vent.

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  5. I’m adding a couple. Stop with the damn automated telemarketers that you can’t tell off.
    I’m also tired of hearing medication commercials that tell you it will fix your problem but cause a barrage of other even more serious medical issues and even death. Of course the med will fix your depression if you’re dead..
    I’m in your bitter zone.

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  6. Ugh the BS I keep hearing from the Republican party makes me feel like just anyone can become a Politian all they need to be is SLIGHTLY retarded VS Democratic party..All they need to be is SLIGHTLY UNSURE of how to use or steal money.

    = A=;; I don’t truly agree with the punishment listed, I would like to see something worse happen.

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  8. HAha! I love that last one: Bitter Ben: If you don’t stop being bitter, you are going to have to come out of your room. I feel the same way!! When I was a kid, I used to like to go to my room so much, that my dad had to change his form of punishment from going to my room, to forcing me to listen to country music instead.

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  13. That felt like a good frustration relief! I’m a part time Nanny, I feel your pain… and I have two part time parents hanging around so I feel like I’m completely failing at my job when I say, ‘no, 10 year old, you cannot watch an 18 horror movie, yes, brushing your hair is what you’re meant to do, cave woman look is totally out, and it’s not healthy to be able to wring grease from it…’ moan moan moan. Sorry, I caught your bitter bug for a moment, it was pleasantly cathartic.

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    • A part time nanny. Now that would be a hard job to have. Is your boss (and your kids) pretty nice? Do they treat you well? Speaking of Nanny’s about two years ago, I befriended a blogger that started her own online Nanny Magazine. Have you ever heard of it? It might be interesting for you. Unless you don’t really like nannying that much. Anyways, I do appreciate you coming here to complain. It is always welcome here. In fact, the whole reason why I started this blog is because I wanted to start a 900 number where people could call in and complain about anything, and then the customer service rep could complain right back. So feel free!

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      • Haha, thanks, I will most certainly consider this forum for my future complaining needs. Thankfully, yes, the family I work for are generally lovely. Intelligent kids with good interests, though divorced parents who don’t talk provided many initial challenges! It’s just taken me a while to remove the bad habits of the previous Nanny where I imagine she let them do whatever they liked. It’s great to see them grow though and see them happy dong creative, meaningful things rather that becoming vegetables in front of the television. I haven’t heard of the Nanny Magazine, I will keep my eye out for it though, sounds intriguing!

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  14. Yes! Take away politician’s allowance for 4 years–and make them go to the VA for their medical needs. Don’t allow them to save moron car insurance, either. 🙂

    Not only will we make Bitter Ben come out of his room. He won’t be allowed computer privileges for 30 minutes. No. That’s too harsh.

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