Clothes need to start doing more

/ bensbitterblog
Smartphones just a few steps from replacing your brain.

Smartphones are just a few steps from replacing your brain.

Smart phones are useful because they do like more than one thing.  They actually do like 3 things.  They text (with your permission, of course) they run apps, and they run the internet like a mini-boss.  If you have a cool smart phone and don’t depend on it to ignore people on a regular basis, you should be stripped of you smartphone privileges and sent to Nokia jail where you may only use your phone only for making a calls, which as you know, nobody picks up.  You may text, but it will be painful.  You will not be allowed to use the fancy touchscreen method that everyone else uses, but forced to use the alphanumeric buttons just to get one letter.  And you will be forced to do that until you can figure out how to despise other people.  Phones aren’t meant to be used like Graham Bell intended, but the way Jobs intended.  They are supposed to be everything but the kitchen sink, because who wants to do the dishes with a phone? Point being the phone was stupid until Jobs came around and made it useful.

I am going to be the Jobs of clothes.  On the scale of 1 to Smartphones, clothes rank below useless.  Yes, they do prevent me from being arrested in public by the E! channel’s Fashion Police, if I was famous, but I’m not, so they don’t even do that. Clothes are boring and lazy, and that isn’t acceptable, because those are my jobs.  If they were real people, they would be a bane to society and people would be telling them to go get a job, hippy. They suck so bad, that as soon as I don’t have to, I’m like:

When I get home...

The second I get home…

It’s time for two smart people with e’s in their names, an entrepreneur and an engineer, to come to me for some ideas on how to make clothes a little more interesting and versatile and me less bitter about them.

Are you listening E & E? I propose the following ideas:

Clothes should fit.  Cause duh…Yes, I know, a groundbreaking idea. Just this last year, the Spurs won the championship.  I was excited and immediately went to the NBA website to pick out a shirt I could wear in the next few weeks to show off the fact that I played 35 minutes a game and was the difference maker in them winning.  But when I went to find a shirt, none of them had my size.  I don’t ask for much in a shirt, except for it not to be a belly shirt.  I want it to fit.  Does the NBA only think that skinny people wear their shirts, because how could you like a sport if you had a bitter gut? l don’t ask much clothes, but for you to fit.  So E&E, invent clothes that change and expand to your wearer’s.  If I find a shirt I like, I don’t want to have to worry about the size.  Not a one size fits all, but a shirt that changes with you.  Is that such a hard thing to do?

Medicine dispenser – I sometimes forget to take my medicine at night because it isn’t always part of my routine.  But every single day, I make sure to have clothes on.  So clothes need the medicine feature.  Give me an automatic reminder, store it in the clothes somewhere, just make it so I don’t forget.

If a Toy Story Lego can tell the time, then clothes certainly should be able to.

If a Toy Story Lego can tell the time, then clothes certainly should be able to.

Tell the time – I could count on my fingers and toes at least two things out there that tell me the time.  My smartphone and my watch.  I haven’t worn a watch for a millenium or so (1999?) but at least it could tell me the time.  If you want to keep up with the Phones’s, you need to at least be able to tell me the time.  Even Flavor Flav as completely out of his mind as he is, could  tell me the time.

Hydrate and Nourish –  Nike and a few others have taught clothes a little lesson on keeping moisture out of clothes, with that dry wick stuff, but how about keeping me hydrated and nourished? At work, any time I want to get something to drink, I have to get up from my chair, walk all these steps to a break room kitchen, get a cup, put some ice in it, then push another button to store the water in the cup.  Then I have to walk back, grab the cup and hold it up to my face hole and drink it.  In the process, all kinds of things can happen.  I could spill the ice, or the water at any point in this process (and believe me, I have).  Let’s eliminate the middle man and just make the clothes do it directly.  Then, we can fire the middle management.  And you wouldn’t believe how much time it would save for me on the food part.

Yes like that Adam.

Adam Sandler had the right idea. 

Music Player – You’ve heard of the Ipod right? Yeah it is too big, I agree.  But have you heard of the Ipod shuffle? How hard would it be to incorporate a music player into the clothes? And for the player to read my mind when it came to what kind I want to be playing everytime? When I am walking in slow motion with explosions behind me, I want the music to be blaring the appropriate, “Wow, that guy is cool” music behind me.  When I am feeling emo and bitter, I want to music give people just the right “go away” vibe I’m looking for.  And when I am driving home, I should only have to be distracted by my phone, not my Ipod.

Self cleaning – All the above ideas probably wouldn’t make sense if this feature weren’t included.  And I feel bad for Tide and Maytag and all those people who love doing laundry, but we will be laying you off soon, so just update your resumes.  For all the nothing that clothes do, they are so much work.  We wear them once, we then have to throw them on the floor, then eventually pick them up, then put them to stink next to each other in a laundry basket for a week.  Then we have to sort them, then pre-treat them, then put them in a washer, then put a sheet in with them so they smell like a summer day, then we have to iron them, then fold them, hang them up, wear them once and the cycle starts all over again.  All this for something that barely does anything for us.  I should be able to throw them on the floor and in 10 minutes they are clean and folded for me, so I can re-wear them to an important business meeting.

Nobody has time for this...except my pants.

Nobody has time for this…except my pants.

Do math – I don’t like math and neither do you.  If I want to have a job creating video games, I need to know math.  Or more importantly, my clothes need to know math. So I can do important things like inventing monsters to stalk the victim hero.

We are sick and tired of your crap, clothes.  Stop being such a menace to society, and start stepping up your game.  If not, I’m going to stop wearing you, and nobody wants that.

ARRRRRRGGGGHHHHH

Bitter Clothing Horse Ben

52 thoughts on “Clothes need to start doing more”

  6. Clothes should fit, eh? What madness is this? What will I do with myself when I don’t have to spend an entire goddamn day trying on every goddamn pair of jeans in every goddamn store? Did you even think of that? What am I supposed to do with all that extra time? Hang out with my kids like a normal person?

    Oh that’s right – I already solved that pesky “clothes should fit” problem: yoga pants. Stretchy fabric = win. Plus, if you’re a guy, now women get to check out your junk. Good times all around!

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  10. What about clothes that adapt to the weather? Here in the UK we never know what we are going to get. This means starting out in winter gear to be sweltering an hour later when the sun decides to some out, or vice versa. The wrong clothes make me bitter!

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  12. You should know that at any given sporting event, there are rarely skinny people in the audience. You must get to the T shirt stand before anyone else so you are not left with nothing but size S. Oh, but you’re probably too lazy to carry around a shirt for the entire event.

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