Smart phones are useful because they do like more than one thing. They actually do like 3 things. They text (with your permission, of course) they run apps, and they run the internet like a mini-boss. If you have a cool smart phone and don’t depend on it to ignore people on a regular basis, you should be stripped of you smartphone privileges and sent to Nokia jail where you may only use your phone only for making a calls, which as you know, nobody picks up. You may text, but it will be painful. You will not be allowed to use the fancy touchscreen method that everyone else uses, but forced to use the alphanumeric buttons just to get one letter. And you will be forced to do that until you can figure out how to despise other people. Phones aren’t meant to be used like Graham Bell intended, but the way Jobs intended. They are supposed to be everything but the kitchen sink, because who wants to do the dishes with a phone? Point being the phone was stupid until Jobs came around and made it useful.
I am going to be the Jobs of clothes. On the scale of 1 to Smartphones, clothes rank below useless. Yes, they do prevent me from being arrested in public by the E! channel’s Fashion Police, if I was famous, but I’m not, so they don’t even do that. Clothes are boring and lazy, and that isn’t acceptable, because those are my jobs. If they were real people, they would be a bane to society and people would be telling them to go get a job, hippy. They suck so bad, that as soon as I don’t have to, I’m like:
It’s time for two smart people with e’s in their names, an entrepreneur and an engineer, to come to me for some ideas on how to make clothes a little more interesting and versatile and me less bitter about them.
Are you listening E & E? I propose the following ideas:
Clothes should fit. Cause duh…Yes, I know, a groundbreaking idea. Just this last year, the Spurs won the championship. I was excited and immediately went to the NBA website to pick out a shirt I could wear in the next few weeks to show off the fact that I played 35 minutes a game and was the difference maker in them winning. But when I went to find a shirt, none of them had my size. I don’t ask for much in a shirt, except for it not to be a belly shirt. I want it to fit. Does the NBA only think that skinny people wear their shirts, because how could you like a sport if you had a bitter gut? l don’t ask much clothes, but for you to fit. So E&E, invent clothes that change and expand to your wearer’s. If I find a shirt I like, I don’t want to have to worry about the size. Not a one size fits all, but a shirt that changes with you. Is that such a hard thing to do?
Medicine dispenser – I sometimes forget to take my medicine at night because it isn’t always part of my routine. But every single day, I make sure to have clothes on. So clothes need the medicine feature. Give me an automatic reminder, store it in the clothes somewhere, just make it so I don’t forget.
Tell the time – I could count on my fingers and toes at least two things out there that tell me the time. My smartphone and my watch. I haven’t worn a watch for a millenium or so (1999?) but at least it could tell me the time. If you want to keep up with the Phones’s, you need to at least be able to tell me the time. Even Flavor Flav as completely out of his mind as he is, could tell me the time.
Hydrate and Nourish – Nike and a few others have taught clothes a little lesson on keeping moisture out of clothes, with that dry wick stuff, but how about keeping me hydrated and nourished? At work, any time I want to get something to drink, I have to get up from my chair, walk all these steps to a break room kitchen, get a cup, put some ice in it, then push another button to store the water in the cup. Then I have to walk back, grab the cup and hold it up to my face hole and drink it. In the process, all kinds of things can happen. I could spill the ice, or the water at any point in this process (and believe me, I have). Let’s eliminate the middle man and just make the clothes do it directly. Then, we can fire the middle management. And you wouldn’t believe how much time it would save for me on the food part.
Music Player – You’ve heard of the Ipod right? Yeah it is too big, I agree. But have you heard of the Ipod shuffle? How hard would it be to incorporate a music player into the clothes? And for the player to read my mind when it came to what kind I want to be playing everytime? When I am walking in slow motion with explosions behind me, I want the music to be blaring the appropriate, “Wow, that guy is cool” music behind me. When I am feeling emo and bitter, I want to music give people just the right “go away” vibe I’m looking for. And when I am driving home, I should only have to be distracted by my phone, not my Ipod.
Self cleaning – All the above ideas probably wouldn’t make sense if this feature weren’t included. And I feel bad for Tide and Maytag and all those people who love doing laundry, but we will be laying you off soon, so just update your resumes. For all the nothing that clothes do, they are so much work. We wear them once, we then have to throw them on the floor, then eventually pick them up, then put them to stink next to each other in a laundry basket for a week. Then we have to sort them, then pre-treat them, then put them in a washer, then put a sheet in with them so they smell like a summer day, then we have to iron them, then fold them, hang them up, wear them once and the cycle starts all over again. All this for something that barely does anything for us. I should be able to throw them on the floor and in 10 minutes they are clean and folded for me, so I can re-wear them to an important business meeting.
Do math – I don’t like math and neither do you. If I want to have a job creating video games, I need to know math. Or more importantly, my clothes need to know math. So I can do important things like inventing monsters to stalk the victim hero.
We are sick and tired of your crap, clothes. Stop being such a menace to society, and start stepping up your game. If not, I’m going to stop wearing you, and nobody wants that.
ARRRRRRGGGGHHHHH
Bitter Clothing Horse Ben
Can’t think of a single reason why they should not. Suggest you do some copyrighting or patenting stuff with this idea before a Zuckerberg or Gates hears of it 🙂
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I definitely need to learn how to do that copywriting thing, but of course, the minute before I copywrited it, one of those bozo’s would learn how to do it and steal it from me.
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How about clothes that always make you look physically fit? Also ironing?? What is that?
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Uh, yeah, I need my clothes to hide all the stuff. Perhaps take that to another level by your clothes working out and by extension making me fit, even when I’m sitting on the couch. They’ve been lazy long enough.
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Now you’re talkin!
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And I hate talking, especially with a sore throat.
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You have a bitter sore throat?
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Yep, from yelling at everyone for annoying me.
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Maybe you could record your yelling so you don’t really have to yell all the time.
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Now that is a good idea. I am too lazy to yell.
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There you, I’m always here for you.
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Yep, now how can you go and get me the remote control so I can change the channel on TV?
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I think you need a remote control robot
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Or a remote control remote control that would bring me the remote control.
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Or a dog..
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No, dogs are too messy and they need tons of food I can’t afford.
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And they poop a lot
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And eat shoes.
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That too..
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I’ve never been so mad at my clothes -.-
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They really need to be more useful don’t you think?
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Shark Tank definitely in your future.
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As inventor of these clothes, I will probably get to meet Marty McFly later this year when he visits Hilldale 2015. He’ll want to know meet the inventor of SmartClothes.
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Yeah. My clothes don’t do squat– How come I’m supposed to be “productive” and “do stuff” but my clothes just sit around on my shelves waiting to get dirty? NOT FAIR.
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Like clothes are so lazy that sometimes my favorite shirt hides from me because he just wants to hang out…on a hanger.
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Totally. You so get me.
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I would love to hang out on a hanger all day.
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Clothes should fit, eh? What madness is this? What will I do with myself when I don’t have to spend an entire goddamn day trying on every goddamn pair of jeans in every goddamn store? Did you even think of that? What am I supposed to do with all that extra time? Hang out with my kids like a normal person?
Oh that’s right – I already solved that pesky “clothes should fit” problem: yoga pants. Stretchy fabric = win. Plus, if you’re a guy, now women get to check out your junk. Good times all around!
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Um, ever heard of a TV? When all else fails, you always have TV to help with wasted time. You can also sit on the couch and stare into space. None of these require spending time with your kids. Are you crazy? Why would someone ever want to spend time with their kids?
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I dunno … just seemed to be something that people talk about doing. I figured I should at least try it but it seemed so …. pedestrian.
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Yeah some people must just be really lame and have no life. Why else would you want to spend any time around those greedy, selfish, whiners and complainers?
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I think there should be mood stabilizer clothing! One bad outfit and it ruins my whole day! And clothes just stand by and do nothing…nothing!
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I know right? Though mine would make me bitter because that’s the mood I prefer.
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It would accommodate to meet our individual mood defaults.
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Now that is a good idea. You’re on the creative team, but only for a lot of money again. No acknowledgement.
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Psh acknowledgment. Who needs it?
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All it would do is give you some sort of esteem. But money can buy that for you.
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I strongly agree. I find myself telling my clothes on a regular basis, “I’m not mad…I’m just disappointed.”
They have yet to respond.
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Well, these clothes would respond with a humble, “Sorry about that.”
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Love the idea of self-cleaning clothes and especially clothes that do math! HA! With smart phones an smart clothes, we would pretty much never have to do ANYTHING! 😀
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It’s about time Tide went down for charging us so much for cleaning clothes.
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What about clothes that adapt to the weather? Here in the UK we never know what we are going to get. This means starting out in winter gear to be sweltering an hour later when the sun decides to some out, or vice versa. The wrong clothes make me bitter!
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Yep. You would never need a coat or super short shorts because they would be weather adaptive.
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Sounds good to me!
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You forgot about how they prevent frostbite! That’s an important thing they do.
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I didn’t include everything on the list. I’m glad you realized one of the ones I left off on purpose.
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You should know that at any given sporting event, there are rarely skinny people in the audience. You must get to the T shirt stand before anyone else so you are not left with nothing but size S. Oh, but you’re probably too lazy to carry around a shirt for the entire event.
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What? Skinny people at sporting events? Not possible! I’m saying the shirt could shrink if they found something they liked that was way too big.
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Well, occasionally there is some sort of celebrity in the front row or some super skinny model girl friend. It is highly likely that person has no idea what they’re watching!
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Kind of like me with blogging. I just put out posts, but I don’t really know what I am doing. And I not famous….(I’d rather be rich and anonymous anyways).
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How sad that you are neither.
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Which is why I am so bitter. Everything that I’m good at doesn’t make money and everything I’m terrible at, makes tons.
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