I don’t know if you’ve heard of this phenomenon called Facebook, but it’s what they call a Social Network where you and some people you call “friends” become even closer as friends by connecting through a computer box. Here is what happens. You go to this website http://www.facebook.com and you fill out all kinds of invasive questions about yourself that would make even a doctor blush, like your name, your home address, your cell phone where you can be reached at all hours of the day, and where you went to freaking high school. Then Facebook continues to help you feel invaded by asking you share these intimate details with OTHER people. People that you know. Like your mom and your dad, your brothers and sisters, and then really close friends, like that one guy you went to high school with. You know that pipsqueak freshman you made fun of that is now a pro MMA fighter? Yeah, now he wants to be “friends” with you so he can hunt you down and beat the crap out of you. Luckily, Facebook is perfect in every other way and doesn’t get people wanting to rage quit every other day, because of all the things their friend of a friend of a friend overshares everyday. It also allows you to add pictures so your friend of a friend of a friend can stalk you and figure out where you were on vacation, so they can rob and plunder your house. All these great things pale in comparison to the best part of Facebook. You MUST find a friend or 20 that posts Inspirational Quotes 40 times a day, so when you wake up, you can find purpose in your day. Like a goal…of wanting to hunt them down and tell them to stop posting them.
Just like some people like to live tweet events, (tweeting what they think about the Oscars, or Super Bowl), I’m going to live Facebook some quotes right off my feed this morning. I’m going to take these quotes and show you how bitter they can easily become. Let’s hope that my lame friends don’t disappoint (don’t worry, they will) and give me the cheesiest of quotes that I can twist around and use to give you some Bitteraffirmations this morning. I’m sure you won’t thank me later.
Facebook Quote #1: “Fact: The first person you think of in the morning and the last person you think of at night is either the cause of your happiness or the cause of your pain.” Bitteraffirmation: Let’s hope that didn’t just see Taken, Taken 2, or Taken 3 right before bed. Because Liam Neeson doesn’t know who you are, but since you kidnapped his daughter, he wants you to know that he has a particular set of skills…
Facebook Quote #2:”It’s not about who is real to your face. It’s about who stays real behind your back.” Bitteraffirmation: What is someone doing behind you, anyways? Are they trying to see what you are up to on your computer? Are they stalking you on the way home? Are they trying to see the worst part of your profile? Stop being sneaky in the back and annoy me to my face…
Facebook Quote #3: Historically, there is a saying in the scientific community, that every great scientific truth goes through three phases. First, people deny it. Second, they say it conflicts with the Bible. Third, they say they’ve known it all along.” Bitteraffirmation: Can’t be true, because as we all know, Twitter IS science, and on there, first people say it, second they regret it, and third they move on because, “Squirrel!”
Facebook Quote #4: “It’s not wrong to be upset. It’s not wrong to cry. It’s not wrong to want attention. It’s not even wrong to scream or throw a fit. What is wrong is to keep it all inside. What is wrong is to blame and punish yourself for simply being human. What is wrong is to never be heard and to be alone in your pain. Share it. Let it out.” Bitteraffirmation: I don’t know who’s mother told them it was okay to throw a fit, but that is not okay. And who is the chump that ever solved any problems by sharing them with others? Don’t they know that the best way to overcome problems is to sweep them away in the dark recesses of your brain and keep them there until one day you can use them for revenge in the exact moment you need them?
Facebook Quote #5: “My mother always told me if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.” Bitteraffirmation: Well, you know what your dad would tell you if you were my son or daughter? If you can’t say something nice, make sure you say it behind their back to all their friends and help them lose all credibility.
Facebook Quote #6: “Nothing is permanent in this crazy world, not even your mistakes, failures, or troubles. So laugh at the confusion, live consciously in the moment, and enjoy your life as it unfolds. You might not be exactly where you had intended to go, but you are precisely where you need to be to take the next best step forward.” First of all, yeah that stain in my shirt is pretty permanent. I’ve tried oxyclean and not even that could get it out. Second, I’m not precisely where I need to be to take the next step forward because I’m sitting right now.
My favorite quote of all comes from the Bitter Philosopher Ben’s Fortune Cookie: “If there is any way possible, fake sick and go back to bed. This is the only way you will enjoy work today. And your unlucky number is 1,7, 21 and 42.”
ARRRRGGHHHH
Bitter Bitteaffirmationalist Ben
My favorite quote I have seen is YOLO (you only live once), which is used to justify any number of “stupid” activities and ideas, like getting bad tattoos or flunking math class on purpose. If you only live once why not spend it doing things that will at least make you money on youtube…
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That makes total sense, the YouTube thing I mean. I am in the works with a friend to make YouTube videos starring Bitter Ben and a cast of other characters to be named later.
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Brilliant idea! Forget blogging. Forget whatever you do at your waste of time job! You should make fortunes for fortune cookies!
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Talk about a waste of time my job is. You came up with another great idea. Bitter Fortune cookies. They are so much more realistic and people would just be more comfortable with them.
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I’m tired of getting my hopes up when they say “A great gift is awaiting you,” with no specifics included. Where is it? What is it? Again, where is it? You should write my horoscopes too.
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Yep, my bitter gifts will be stuff you are expecting like not getting that job you wanted, or getting the gift of a lame blind date. Thing kind that would make people bitter, but expected.
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Way to get me hopes down! No really. Way to go!
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Luckily, that fortune wasn’t for you. That is for some other shmuck that doesn’t deserve it. Your fortune is much better.
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#5 ? I don’t think your mom wants you to blog. The facebook thing…what the fuck ever. My page picked up over 1700 “likes” in a week for NO reason whatsoever – My suspicion is that there was a “rate the best butt” survey poll somewhere that accidently linked to my page – they probably thought they were “liking” a Kardashian butt (sorry to sully your site with that name). The best part? All 1700 plus followers are from Mexico and I don’t speak Spanish. Fucking Facebook.
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My mom actually reads my blog from time to time and she thinks it is funny. What she doesn’t know is that it’s all real and she should take it all seriously!
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Moms…a never ending source of amusement. My mom not only doesn’t know about my blog she doesn’t even know I have tattooed sleeves…yet
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Wow, your mom is in for quite an awakening when she sees you have a blog. Oh and the tattooed sleeves.
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What I love is when I read a quote, then a moment later, read another quote with the opposite message. Suddenly there is this Battle of the Quotes, and I walk away in confusion, no longer sure how I should live my life.
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Actually I would love it if there were more quote battles out there. It would be akin to those sing offs in Pitch Perfect where no one actually got hurt, except their feelings.
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These are all so true. I have a lady on mine that likes to write daily inspirational quotes that are the absolute same every time. They’re mostly directed towards her and it drives me bananas because she tries to sexualize them. Sexualized emotional quotes… How many times can you describe yourself as “yummy”? Apparently 365 times…
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I have a lady that tells me about procedures she has done, stupid things her kid says to her, and everything about their sex life and nobody needs to hear that stuff.
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Funny post. You’re right how people have made an entirely new “acceptable” protocol for FB–things that they would never (hopefully) do in real life (well what is real life anymore. This is the millennial’s era..).
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I think the antidote to the inspirational quotes is people cracking back on them. First of all, most of them don’t make sense and second, a little logic pretty much take the wind out of any thing most of them say.
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I like the fortune cookie “fake sick and go back to bed”. I think I will!
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That sounds like my fortune, yet I would probably get called in anyways.
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I hate the “people you may know”. Yes I know them, but that doesn’t mean we need to be friends, especially on FB.
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I’d rather be friends with total strangers on my blog, than be friends with people like that.
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Agreed
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To #4….keep it built up inside. I don’t want to hear it.
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Exactly. No one wants to hear what fits a person has. Keep it bottled up like introverts have done for centuries!
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You could use FB to get that revenge you mentioned in Quote #4! I have a love hate thing with FB too. I love to hate it. I only using it for blogging.
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I only use it to make fun of people’s inspirational quotes.
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Well that works!
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For once, something works, yes.
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Do I detect a lack of bitterness?
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Never! You will always find bitterness in the core.
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Okay just checking.
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Yeah, you don’t want to make me more bitter by thinking I would think any other way.
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No I wouldn’t!
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Luckily you will never think to accuse me of not being bitter any more…
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Nooo nevvverrr
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Luckily that will always make me bitter, so it plays into my plans.
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Perfect..
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I’m only perfect at one thing and that is being bitter.
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Perfect bitterness. You must be happy. 😉
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Nope not happy.
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Well good then
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You know me, disappointing people as usual.
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We wouldn’t have it any other way
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That is why I work so hard at doing it to people.
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How kind of you
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You know me, always being kind…of bitter.
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You know it
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Yep.
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“I don’t know who’s mother told them it was okay to throw a fit, but that is not okay.” Pretty sure this post is the highlight of my day. Thus the reason I have ridiculously high privacy settings on Facebook and the reason most of my “friends” are blocked. Otherwise, I would go on murderous rampages… and that’s just not healthy.
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My kids try to throw one and I don’t take that stuff. Go to your room and figure it out. On the other hand, I can throw a fit at work or on my blog and that is completely acceptable.
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Right? One of the perks of being a “grown-up”… whatever that means. 😉
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The only perk of being a grown up to me is that no one can tell me how I waste my money…except for my wife.
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Bwahahaha! Pretty much…
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Just need less approvals right?
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Totally.
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Everything you said about Facebook is true Ben, but I can’t give up playing Vegas slots I’ve invested too much wasted time already! And damn… I use 1, 7, 21 and 42 as my regular Power Ball numbers all the time. No wonder I haven’t won anything!
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Perhaps I need to start a slot game like that that you can use on your phone. Then you would be able to quit stupid facebook and start sending me money instead.
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Looking around for spare change right now. :O)
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Best place for change in the car, in the couch or moving to another state. That’s a big change.
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LOL That’s a huge change!
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Unfortunately, I don’t have much change, or I’m not moving.
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I myself have taken to walking with my head down in hopes of finding a few more pennies, and looking for any of the marbles I’ve lost.
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I walk with my head down so people think I’m depressed and leave me alone, when really I’m just bitter and don’t want to look at you.
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If only I didn’t live so far away from family, I would get rid of Facebook so badly. Let’s not forget about the political rants and disputes that seem to unfold daily. Kill me.
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I bet Zuckerberg loves it though. He gets to make a ton of money, but even more, he gets to make people really bitter because they just can’t quit it.
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Hey I nominated you for one lovely blog hop! You don’t have to do it because I know how bitter you are towards awards and any other kind of recognition, but if you want to, there are details in my last blog post!
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I don’t know what to say? It’s an honor just to be nominated…I promised myself I wouldn’t cry and all that.
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Just promise you will remember all us little people…
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Nope I won’t remember the little people, but I will remember the funny people like you.
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Actually I lied. It’s not enough to just remember us. I want to be acknowledged too…like with a casual head nod or something?
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Well, I don’t know. Head nodding is a lot of work for me. Could I just send you a check for some absorbadent amount of money instead?
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Ugh. Fine.
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Thanks for being so accommodating.
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Gah. I hate Facebook so ridiculously much.
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You and I both, BF. The only reason I use it is to communicate with you every once in a while.
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Cats, cakes and homely kids!
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And a bunch of mistakes!
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Number 5 is amazing!!! So true!! You are super funny!
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Yeah I was pretty stoked to become a dad, so I could finally say, “Who’s your daddy?” to my kids.
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When I realized that I was finding the brownie recipes more inspirational than the inspirational quotes…I knew it was time to take a break. A long one.
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That’s why Twitter is so much better. It’s more for comedians and people that you don’t know, as opposed to Facebook that is about being annoying and people you do know.
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If we can’t handle them at their worst, we don’t deserve them at their best…or something.
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Yeah or something Marilyn Monroe supposedly said or something like that.
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I like the website for disaffirmations where you can get the demotivational side of the positive posters. But I have to tell you my mom, too, always said that if you can’t say something nice about someone, don’t say anything at all. But then again she told me there was a Santa Clause and an Easter Bunny. If she lied about that…
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Yes, despair.com has been an inspiration for me to sell such stupid things I say on my website since I first heard of them.
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Hey. If you can get paid for it, you’re not the one who’s stupid. 🙂
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I can’t even imagine being paid to be bitter. Which is why it will never happen.
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Facebook…giving people the means and motivation to murder every day.
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Too bad it doesn’t give you an alibi. Giving me the means to be bitter since 2008 or whenever I signed up.
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Some guy sold something , I actually think it was collector sneakers, and he got a ton of cash and he put up a photograph of the cash lying all over his bed on FB. A little while later, someone came to his house and killed him. True story.
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That is so many kinds of wrong. Not that people haven’t been killed over even stupider stuff.
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I agree.
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That is a first. I don’t know what to do with that.
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Me neither. Okay, I’ll try to write something on your next post that get’s you real riled up!
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I’m sure you will get me all riled up and I will rage quit my blog.
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I’m trying!!
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Thank goodness for you, or I would never get riled up.
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I hardly believe that!
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Or it could be just about everything else in the world that gets me riled up.
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Reblogged this on Human Interest.
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