There was a whole lot of things going on in the world this weekend. First, trending on twitter, people were anticipating my doctor’s appointment, #excusetoleavealittleearly. FYI, I didn’t die, so I guess things turned out alright. Then, there was that lame game night that was planned for the evening. You will be bitter to know that I did terribly at Catch Phrase, the 300 piece puzzle went off with lots of hitches, and Chess was a complete failure, because first, they sunk my battleship and second, the timer when off before I could double jump the red king. Besides, I didn’t have Ron Weasely around to show me how to move my Bishop without getting myself killed. Finally, there was a really huge event where men and women got together with someone they really cared about. They got on their best clothing, ordered limos and stayed up late, talked about their love…of comedy. They talked and laughed and reminisced about the anniversary…the 40th anniversary of Saturday Night Live.
As you might know I am 41 years old, which means I have watched every single episode of every season of Saturday Night Live and that makes me more qualified to judge how bitter I am that I didn’t get a 3 1/2 hour special for my 40th anniversary of living. Like Saturday Night Live, I kept people up late at night with my annoying sense of humor and just like Saturday Night Live, I also have a cheesy background. Here are three other ways Saturday Night Live made me bitter.
Saturday – Saturday is supposed to a sacred day where I lay around avoiding work, not thinking even more than regular and not having to concentrate on anything new. This was a tradition going all the way back to when I was born. At the age of 1, when I was “expected” to start walking or at least crawling, I was slacking on the couch, watching repeats of Tom And Jerry, and I fell asleep. Like 12 hours later, and I shot up from my nap, as I sensed that something new was invading the television airwaves. I was angry, bitter and appalled that someone dare do something new on a Saturday.
Night – Batman claims to be the Dark Knight. Is it because he fights criminals at night because they have jobs during the day and don’t really like to rob banks and terrorize people during the day? Or is it because his dark costume would look kind of silly during the day? Or is it because his name wouldn’t really be very intimidating if it was the Dark Day? Or the Bright Knight? Regardless, I don’t think he can really claim to be the Dark Knight unless he’s been on Saturday Knight Live. Conversely, Saturday Knight Live can’t claim to be the king of late Knight unless they’ve had Batman on. Until then, I will be the King of Late Nights. Just too lazy to go to bed.
Live – Something bothers me about this show. For 4-0 years, yes that is 4-0 years, they’ve pronounced the word wrong. For 4-0 years, not one actor, actress, host, comedian, musical guest, writer, camera operator, or show runner could ever say the word right. It is pronounced live like “Don’t die dude, you need to live!!!!” It’s pretty pathetic that an idiot like myself can somehow pronounce it right when thousands of professionals that get paid thousands of dollars to write and say funny things, yet somehow couldn’t figure out how to say this simplest of words right. It’s clear I need to be the showrunner for this fact alone. And also for 4-0 years, they kept forgetting the say live at the end of the opening. It should be, “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Day Night…Live!”
And by the way, Saturday Night Live has been doing things for 40 years on Saturdays. Now all of a sudden they do their 40th Birthday on Sunday? That’s like me having my birthday on April 9th every year and then all of a sudden when I turn 40 to change it to April 10th. Doesn’t make any sense, but then when did that show ever make any sense?
Arrrghhhh
Bitter Night Live Ben
when was little they didn’t allow snl in g’ville.but i watched it once at my aunt’s house.she lived on top of the mountain (came in)
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Now that just isn’t right. How can they not allow SNL? That is just criminal.
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baptsts were afraid of chevy chase… you must be too busy, still eating pizza from friday,to see your bitter best friend post (from friday)
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I’ll check it out tonight. Have you had a chance to vote for me in the Blogger of the Year award?
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i had a chance, but i cannot click on things..it shuts off…i tried to explain in that poem,j’cusse.. the repairman said more & more things will stop working , (windows xp ).. i don’t even have notifications box anymore…is where you click to vote a wordpress address that i can type or is it a com? it’s not just aol taking over anymore it’s viruses on xp
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I’m sure it’s because your browser is outdated. I keep having to switch to Google Chrome or Firefox, because my Internet explorer is out. Thanks anyways!
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that was the 1st thing that went wrong 2 years ago..IE wouldn’t work ..using google for 2 years .. still don’t forget the entire computer is connected to aol, but i don’t use it…my dj’s husband & computers are his business said there is no support at microsoft after 12 years / viruses & more & more things will stop working
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Time for you to get a new computer.
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he wants me to learn how to use the new one, but i hate it.1 windows 8- no idea
2. the button is too hard to press..it hurts
he has to teach me & all i do is watch tv on it for a year
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Yeah windows 8 sucks. But maybe you could get a Mac. All the haikuists are doing it.
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am i a halikuist?
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If you aren’t a haikuist then no one is.
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lol..we’ll i’ll be
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You will be.
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i’ll be a monkey’s aunt
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Now that would be interesting.
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i need a monkey first
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I’m sure there is a zoo that has one somewhere.
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i haven’t been to a zoo since 1915.i didn’t even get to go to the d.c. zoo
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I’ve been to the DC zoo and I live here.
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i’ve been to the d.c. synagogue 50 times & the cab passes the zoo in that parkway i forgot the name of (chandra levy)
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I’ve never been to the Chandra Levy park.
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it’s right there by the zoo,or the zoo is on it. i’m confused
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The media for her case was a zoo.
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true too
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i know bad pun.
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no that was a good pun. i didn’t catch it, the 1st time & it was also at the zoo
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The people at the zoo are such animals.
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yes, they yell at camels to say “hump dayyyy”
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And plan trips to Madagascar.
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3 trips to madagascar?
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With probably a fourth coming soon.,
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to a theater near you?
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Let’s hope not. Then I will have to see it with the kids.
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ah..did you see 1,2,& 3
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I saw three with the zebra doing an afro circus bit.
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ohhh i want an afro cirque de soliel zebra
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That would probably be more interesting than that show.
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you are correct , except when you aren’t
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I’m also funny except when I’m not.
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you’re also funny on days that end in day
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Or days that start in the morning.
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or nights that start at sundown
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Or days that end in y.
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or why’s that end a day
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Or y’s that almost end an alphabet.
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or days when you have 3 meals
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I never have ONLY three meals. At least 7.
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you too? me 4 or 5
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none of them square either.
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i like square poptarts
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I like triangular.
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we will ask them to make triangular . i don’t want pentagonial.,.slighty uphill, so your calfs hurt the next day
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I don’t normally go uphill. My only uphill is getting off the couch.
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lol me either:my pentagon touring days are over. i would cough uphill now…but there is a boardwalk that goes uphill for about 10 steps & i told it ,it was worse than the pentagon
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And I’m always making things harder for myself, so I’m always climbing uphill.
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me too..ok i was trying to see what these lists people say u r on r & i just found this avatar pyramid scheme lady lisa perkins has me blocked.lol like i would ever read her..she sent me comments that she worked for fed prosecutor, prosecuting pyramids & avatar isn’t…lol..yes it is..
she lives in australia, b/c pyramid schemes aren’t illegal…she said ..lol.. so if it isn’t why live there…
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So she is a junk mail?
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i’m on this page & i can’t find who she is?
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i will explain better “your bitter best february friend forever and mine bitter ben” it’s about you bitter ben ,on friday…
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I just can’t believe you made a whole post out of my tweets, and all of them haiku’s.
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there were four more from just february. i can’t believe you just told me what a tweet was.who knew?
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You didn’t know about twitter before this? Did you sign up then forget to do it? I’ve had some great tweets over the years and now I’m finally getting a post done about them.
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can you believe how many of your haiku i missed? it said 2012..i remember clicking at WP to connect ,a long time ago, but i have never been there ,so of course i had no password & it took 4 hours to figure that out.
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I’ve been doing it since 2009 and I didn’t even know it!
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and you didn’t tell me
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I didn’t think you would be interested in twitter. I thought wrong. So what is your twitter name so I can follow you.
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oh, i just saw you followed me..i think it’s errinspelling…see i went there to connect raechel to twitter, b/c of the movers & it said i was already connected since 2012 as errin & i couldn’t figure out how to do it… i don’t know if you can have both, but there were 9 people following me
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You can sign up rachel but you need to use a different email address.
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oh.,okay.. i ended up trying to connect it to google & when i did it showed my name ,the one on the email that you and 2 people in the world have. so i finally found how to unconnect from wordpress, but it said if you ask to delete google plus you will lose you email….i don’t even know how to use google plus. lol
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You’ve got a lot to learn about the stuff. The way I figure out stuff is just to sign up and go figure it out. That’s how I learned Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, etc. You just have to go out there and figure it out as you go.
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yeah but all i do is waste time & get a headache
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I also wasted time and had a headache. I stayed home today.
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oh.did someone bring you a pizza to feel better?
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Nope, just made me watch some kids that weren’t mine.
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double the pleasure , doublemint gum?
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That and of course neighbor kids and others just come out of the woodwork.
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if you move to the forest, no neighbors
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I actually live right by a forest. Too bad it is only a lot sized forest.
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i lived by the woods (Botany Woods) . i don’t know the difference in woods or forest
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Is that a garden or a wood?
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we had a garden in the woods..in england that’s what they call the back yard,i think
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Well there are woods around here all the time. Sometimes it feels like ours is in the woods with all the moss on our roof.
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bitter moss on roof
good luck
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Moss should stick
to the forest
not my roof.
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bugs should stick to forest not your house..you don’t go in theirs….hey that’s my last post
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Hey yeah it sounded familiar.
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you wrote it.you should make a sign so bugs can read rules
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And you wrote it so people could actually see it.
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idid, but i would rather mosquitoes see it & stay outside
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They are all kind of bloodsuckers.
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lol.you got that write
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Write to the point.
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what was my point
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I forget.
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i forget to remember
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I remembered to forget.
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i forgot to forget
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I remember now.
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i remember then
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hey you’re the first person to ever like anything, that i saw. you just popped up.. i tweeted? one about you at 3 am or 4 that ‘s 1am to you about you writing more haike than the army by 7 am
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Well, as soon as you gain a following you will get them all the time. Just keep tweeting.
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like a birdie?
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Yep like a birdy that gets followed.
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i follow birdies but mostly birdies follow me.
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Almost as creepy as people following you.
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nice segway! i was going to write you in haiku but what is this place that tells bitterben how many followers a week… i just use math .. i have 63 new followers this week,i think 72-9
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Math just made me so confused about how many followers you have.
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well sleep has me confused as to day…i don’t know when i got here…but now ..lol.. i was getting ready to write 95 lol & 96 popped up, when i looked….so 96-9= 87 but i think it’s been a week & a few days
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Well, it’s Friday here, but it could be Saturday there with all the time differences.
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lol..it was thursday when i wrote this
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And today is Tuesday. The days keep changing. An unexact science like unlike math.
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and tomorrow is bitter ben haiku WP at 6 or 7 pm, you know breakfast time
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You have breakfast at 6 or 7 pm? Sounds like you need to go to Jack in the Box.
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i have never seen the restaurant only the toy
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Toy story?
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i saw toy story in d.c.
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That was so long ago. I saw it in a theater.
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me too .movie & thai restaurant in same building & ducks outside
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And Thai always goes to the baserunner.
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pad thai
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Is that an Ipad from Thailand?
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probably & it’s deliciouso too
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Well, it is made out of Apple.
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strudel is made of apple
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Maybe that will be Apple’s next technology. Apple Istrudel.
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i would buy apple istrudel
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Then it is for sale, but from me.
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do you charge an applearm and a leg
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You bitter believe it.
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i bitter believe you
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Glad someone does.
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i am not glad. i am someone. i am btter
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Well, I guess I will have to find someone else to pay attention then. So bitter!
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who? david letterman? who were we talkin about
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I think at some point we just make someone up. Letterman works for me.
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yes, b/c the comments aren’t in order …letterman works for me too. :
“here’s what he’s going
to do, he’s going to bring in
more coyotes”
(letterman about deblasio to kill rats)
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Or more likely he will retire and spend more time with Harry.
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yes fishing with peaches
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Or sleeping with the fishes.
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ooh they do a lot of sleeping with the fishes on law and dis order
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Yes, and getting cement shoes.
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…want to try the lamb.
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Lamb is pretty good…if steak isn’t available.
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Live from New York, it’s Saturday night! Get your eXpresso hot and ready so you can exscape the Saturday night blues. You’ll defIANtly
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There were great bitter performances by Kanye, Miley, Eddie Murphy and Chevy Chase. Too bad the bitterness was marred by the really great Celebrity Jeopardy Sketch.
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I loved the 40th celebration. It was more funny as a whole than the regular weekly shows. Of course…choosing the best clips makes that pretty easy to achieve.
Bitter question posed to the gentleman: Were you surprised to see Norm McDonald not only in attendance….but in a skit? All I’ve ever heard was bitterness from both sides regarding his performance and exit when he was a cast member.
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I was not aware of his bitterness with the show. Of course cutting himself off didn’t seem to do much good as I haven’t seen much of him over the years. Though I suppose he does stand up all over the place like most of them. I was surprised that they featured Kayne so much considering he is such a tool and the Mike Meyers thing in Wayne’s World was kind of cool considering how he’s been buried since the Love Guru.
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Who was the worst, in your opinion? Kanye, Miley, or Eddie Murphy?
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Eddie Murphy was pretty bad, considering he had 30 years to come up with something good, but then again, have you seen any good Eddie Murphy movies since the Nutty Professor? But Miley and Kanye were pretty bad too. Could Kayne at least stand up when he is trying to sing?
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You’d think after 4-0 years they’d start to make sense and get things right.
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But then again, you would think that after 4-0 years I would start making sense too.
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Well you do.
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That’s what you think.
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Yes
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I’m so glad to know you are alive! Or, should I say… a liv? I am obviously behind on my twitter!
SNL was one of my all time favorites. I used to want to be a writer for SNL when I was a kid, starting from the age of 8, I think. But, we lived in WY, and I let my fear of competing against so many brilliant people (and just people in general) deter me from even trying to do such a thing. I wish I could go back and tell myself to at least try anyway. But wait! This just means I have something to be bitter about! 😀
And, Dammit, you should have gotten a 40th anniversary of living episode, too!
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Yeah, somehow I survived the weekend. I think it’s only because I got that extra day for President’s Day. I’m pretty bitter that SNL hasn’t hired you as a writer yet. I assume they are going to hire you right after the 40th anniversary special to make up for their idiotic mistake. I will not be watching it again until they hire you. I assume they stole the Celebrity Jeopardy sketch from you, because that was awesome.
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Thank you, Ben! I’m guessing it would be pretty intimidating to write for SNL amongst all those talented comedians. When I was a kid, I just thought about how awesome it would be to spend my day sitting in a room full of funny people making up jokes and skits all day. HA! I still think that would be one of the best things, ever.
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I’ve heard of the legendary writing sessions they have on Saturday Night Live. It would be crazy but also awesome to be able to come up with skits like that.
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I’m bitter that Don Pardo passed on and couldn’t hang on just a bit longer for the 40 year reunion. And I’m with you Ben “Saturday Night Live!” on a Sunday, and for such a special event. No wonder NBC is struggling in the ratings. Who is in charge of programming over there!
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I know. How dare him not hang around for the 40th. I guess he didn’t want to have to see how bad some people were in the 40th anniversary. And as far as who is in charge at NBC? It’s me. That’s why the rating suck so bad.
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All I can say is… I’m in shock Ben—THUD!
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I know right? Why would anyone in their right minds let me run a network?
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It’s probably because they are in their left mind.
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That’s the side of the brain that does facts and boring things right? Not that I use either side of mine…
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That makes two of us Ben.
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And by the way, what’s this with my comments always having to await moderation? Doesn’t your blog know who I am?
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It’s not you, it’s me. You know the typical break up question. You know you have the choice to moderate every comment right? I just choose to do it so the junk doesn’t get through. I should probably relax it someday for special people like you, but I might also be too lazy to go and fix it.
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A likely story. Well, it’s just something else to make me feel bitter about when I read your blog.
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And nothing is better than finding another reason to be bitter. I’ll always be there to offer that for you.
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You’re too sweet!!
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You meant bitter right?
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Oh, yes, of course…sorry. I think I actually confused you with someone pretending to be nice.
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It’s so easy to get confused about stuff like that when you aren’t laser bitter focused like me.
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In my endless quest to needlessly comment on your site with inane comments that no one really cares about…did I ever tell you how much I hate gifs? It’s like I keep waiting for something else to happen but the same thing just keeps happening over and over again. Plus, I think they are likely to induce an epileptic seizure.
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So you would sayyy…they make you bitter? I love that gifs make some people bitter. In fact, I have another reader that hates that I put gifs on here that show someone falling off a cliff, but not showing the result. I did it like two weeks in a row and they wanted to know what happened. I guess that is why people hate TV sometimes too.
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Yes, exactly, you keep seeing the same thing happen over and over but you don’t know the result. Once I spent the entire day looking at a gif waiting for something different to happen and it never did!!!
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But think about it. You are tortured by reading the same thing over and over again on my blog. But instead of video, it’s just words which are so much more work. So either you are a masochist or you secretly really like them.
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I think I need to a mental evaluation. Do you do that as well?
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I will be glad to evaluate how bitter you are. That is one of the many services I offer for a nominally large fee.
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Okay, where do I sign up?
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Send me your credit card and you will be signed up.
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Okay!! I’ll put it right here in the comments section of your blog…in like an hour…it will be here…for sure…
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I’ll probably miss it because all comments need to be moderated and by the time I get to it, it will be too late. My bitter luck.
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