February – A Bitter Person’s Dream

/ bensbitterblog
There's definitely nothing I can do about it.

So just be bitter about. 

Some people (ie me) can get bitter about anything.  Day or night, cold or hot, east or west, Monday or Friday, April or August.  It’s a talent for some of us, and something I think a lot of people really envy.  I understand your jealousy, but I don’t really care.  There are times of the year when more people are cheery(spring, holidays, etc) and times of the year when more people are bitter(winter, holidays).  But then there is this gloriously bitter time of the year called February.  It is a month so short and yet so varied that it has the ability to make anyone bitter.  To confusingly paraphrase that one person that said that one thing that one time, “February can make some of the people bitter all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, and it can also make all of the people bitter all of the time.”  Got it? Observe…

 Valentine’s Day – Oh yes, there are people that love Valentine’s Day.  Business people that run restaurants, greeting card companies, online dating websites, candy companies, jewelry companies and flowers and balloon factories. Notice I said businesses.  People don’t like Valentine’s Day.  Single people do not love Valentine’s.  They would rather find a date when they wanna find a date, not when some stupid cupid is shooting poisonous arrows.  Married people don’t like it.  They would rather buy flowers when they want to surprise their spouse, not when the stupid cupid tells them they are supposed to.  Babies don’t like valentines, because they would rather a cupid not dress up like them. They are also kind of bitter that the stupid cupid gets wings while they are stuck trying to learn to crawl and walk to get around.  And the weapon.  They baby proof the house for us, but Cupid gets to go around shooting a lethal weapon?

Yes, this baby should be trusted with a lethal weapon.

Yes, this baby should be trusted with a lethal weapon.

The weather  – As an introvert who could care less about what it looks like outside when I spend a majority of the time laying on the couch on the inside, I hate talking about the weather. On the other hand, when it makes other’s bitter, I make an exception to this small talk nightmare.  There’s snow in the east and north, hurricanes and volcanoes in the South and rain in the Northwest. 50 Shades of Grey isn’t a terrible movie coming out from a terrible book that some dude wrote(or is it a lady? Why all the confusing initials?), but a way to describe every day in February in Seattle.

President’s Day – It would be great if somehow, someway we celebrated President’s Day by everyone giving me some Dead President’s.  I mean, it’s supposed to be all about me (the Benjamins) right?  I seem to be severely lacking me’s and that isn’t okay.  And though I get off on President’s Day, I pay for it severely the next day.  Don’t believe me? Read my post from last year around this time.

Football – The one football game that happens in February is the Super Bowl.  Some people are bitter because football is still happening and just want it to be over.  Some people are bitter because the Halftime show sucked.  Some are bitter because the commercials were terrible.  Some are bitter because their team didn’t make it there, or didn’t win.  And those few people that liked the game, loved the commercials, loved the Halftime Show, and their team actually did make it, and won, well they are bitter because what will they do to fill the void next Sunday?  The answer is not the Grammy’s.

Speaking of the Grammy’s – They try to fill the large void that the Super Bowl leaves in it’s wake.  The Grammy’s are kind of like me.  They are trying to be as edgy and cool as the MTV Music awards, but they just look like a dad at a Daddy Daughter Dance.  Trying to relive the good old days and doing the Electric Slide and thinking they are still cool, but end up breathing heavily and regretting ever trying to dance in the first place.  Am I right, Madonna?

The Commercials – The Geico commercials, the Progressive Commercials, the American Family Insurance commercials, the Esurance commercials.  Not sure if the insurance companies of the world are getting together to plan an organized disaster, or they just have so much money, they don’t care how much commercials cost and they are just finding new ways to waste their money. Speaking of money, that guy that keeps yelling at us that he can get our billions back in H & R Block commercials? Still waiting, Bro.  My house is wide open to handle that many bills in whatever form you want to place them.

The Gym – Have you noticed how busy the gym is February? Just kidding. Like I would know what the inside of a gym looked like.  I saw one in a commercial once…

I think this is what they look like...

I think this is what they look like…

I could go on about other things, like Taxes, Finals, Groundhog’s Day, wind, or is that just shortness of breath? Yep, that’s my shortness of breath.  That is me, not going to the gym.  Let me leave you with this thought.  In Harry Potter, they have these Dark Soul things that guard the prisons in the wizarding world.  Called Dementor’s.  J K describes them as feeding off bad memories, but the fact of the matter is that they feed off of February.

ARRRRRGGGGHHHH

Bitter February Ben

 

57 thoughts on “February – A Bitter Person’s Dream”

  1. Your post hits a handful of nails on the head, though sadly I’ve been living under a rock the past year and a half. I haven’t watched the Grammys since 2005, the last I heard of a Super Bowl commercial was the one where people were mad about Coca Cola and “America the Beautiful” sung in multiple languages, and when I walked to my room in the boarding house arrangement I currently have, one of my “housemates” casually asked, “How did you celebrate Valentine’s Day?”

    I forgot it was Valentine’s Day. She looked at me, shocked, and asked how this was even possible.

    Sometimes you get so bitter that you just forget. And maybe wallow in other things?

    Anyway, I feel you about President’s Day, though this year, I was genuinely sick the day after. I did pay on Wednesday, somewhat.

    And where I live, the weather is annoyingly varied. Yesterday I didn’t wear a coat to work. The day before, it was around thirty-eight degrees. Which is a big deal for me, because I don’t like to wear jackets and such.

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    • Well, all I have to say is you are lucky you missed Valentine’s Day. There is no use for it. Actually you are lucky you missed the Grammy’s too.
      I keep hoping I will miss President’s Day, but I can’t quite seem to get sick enough. And this week would have just been so much longer if I would have missed it. No matter what we lose.
      The weather here varies a lot too. It goes from Rainy and cold to rainy and windy, to sunny and rainy to rainy and rainy to cloudy and rainy. Not sure if it gets any more varied than that. I hate wearing jackets too. If I could wear sandals and shorts all year I would.

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    • Perhaps the raccoons were getting jealous of the groundhogs and they threatened to riot at the White House. Or maybe someone who like garbage collecting and is too lazy to do it trained a raccoon to collect their garbage for them.

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  15. I am with you on this one Ben, I am bitter about Valentine’s Day too as my husband is not that romantic and will get my a card because he feels obliged to! February is also the month of my birthday. I am now getting bitter about those as they are just a reminder of how ancient I am! Horrid February, go away!

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  17. Thanks so much for reminding me that Valentine’s Day is coming up. Hopefully my damn car will get out of the shop before the 14th so I can go buy that gift the missus always wants on Valentine’s. Things would get very bitter around here if I forgot about that.

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  18. I hate Valentine’s Day. Nothing like flowers, chocolate, and “romantic thoughts” overshadowing your birthday. Doesn’t matter if you are married or not, people are all celebrating something other than you. #thumbsdown for that one! I have always said the 2nd worst day to have a birthday…next to Christmas.

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    • Well for me, it was my Mother in law’s birthday that overshadowed it for many years. She’s died about 4 years ago, but whenever it comes along, my wife thinks of her mother more than the holiday. Sucks that your birthday is that day. I like mine because no holidays interfere with it.

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  19. I agree that Valentines day can get a little scandalous no matter what your relationship status. I especially appreciate your take on how bitter it can make babies. HA! I’d never thought of it that way before, but now that you mention it, I am feeling a little peeved that I am crawling and falling in all my baby pictures, while there are pictures of random babies with wings and lethal weapons all over the place this time of year.

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    • Yes, and I’m sure that baby of yours will probably think the same thing. It just seems like people in general dread the ole Valentine’s day, unless they are on the receiving end of lavish jewels and chocolate that burns calories like you suggested in your post.

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