Bitter Daymares

/ bensbitterblog
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More like lazy the night! 

The other night, I was asked to perform the husbandly task of moving a box of something that was placed somewhere inside to a location outside.  When it comes to being useful around the house (or anywhere for that matter) I am the Wally from Dilbert fame.  I stealth in and out of situations be make myself less useful. But, on a scale of 1 to UGH I Don’t Want To Do That, this task ranked as a 1.  Not having to think, just being the “muscle” and then looking good because “I helped”.  Anyways, as per normal, I forgot to do the task, until I was reminded (like almost all the things I do).  By the time I got the first reminder, it had turned dark outside.

Luckily, one of the few things I’m not afraid of is the dark, except in some extreme cases, like when a hoard of demons is outside my house or there is a werewolf convention in town and the main menu is Bitter Ben Cold Cuts.  So I walked outside with my flashlight to carry the very valuable storage bins filled with dust particles and really old bricks to the shed.  When I flashed my light underneath the trampoline, I noticed a set of eyes and immediately thought it was one of the aforementioned wolves from the werewolf convention.  Unfortunately for everyone else, but fortunately for me, it was only a dog who was skulking around in the dark, probably looking for his so called “dog friends” who were going to take him clubbing, but ditched him when they saw a bunch of female dogs. He ended up moping off, so I decided that I was gonna check and see if there were other members of the dog family traipsing about, when what appeared in a clearing of trees….A BUNNY RABBIT!!! IT’S GONNA EAT MY FACE OFF!  Never mind.  This isn’t a Monty Python movie.  I finished up putting the bins away and came inside.

carpe noctem

Go get lazy!

 

Even after all that, I’m still not afraid of the dark.  When I sleep, not only do I not want a night light, but I try to cover my whole face so light doesn’t get into my vision holes, because if I see light or even sense it, I’m awake.  What I do fear, is the daytime.

In the daytime, I have responsibilities.  In the daytime, I have a job and traffic to get to that job.  In the daytime, I go grocery shopping.  In the daytime, people go to school.  In the daytime, people go hiking, biking, rollerskating, running, skipping, and smiling. In the daytime, people fix stuff, and do yardwork, and interact with other humans, face deadlines, fax, email, blog, tweet, post, facebook, instagram, and pinterest.  Most people have hope when they wake up in the morning.  Me, I have hope for a bitter day…at night.

Tomorrow I will do something, tomorrow I will get a raise, tomorrow I will learn how to spell rhythm without Google.  Tomorrow, I will invent Google.  Tomorrow, I will start a Bitter Empire where all the world’s greatest products will be sold on my website and will be magically distributed to all mailboxes in America.  There will be a Bitter T-shirt on every Chinese person in China saying Made In My House, Seattle, USA.

I’ve never written a better post in the morning than I imagined at night.  All my great ideas come in the nighttime.  I never want to go to sleep at night, because when I fall asleep, all my great ideas get stolen by brain gremlins.  When I wake up in the morning, it’s UGGGHHH.  NNNNGGGG and Neeeoooohhh!  The house is cold.  I don’t want to wake up.  My great ideas are being robbed by the brain gremlins and I need to go back to sleep so I can steal my ideas back.  My ambitions, and energies and motivations are right there in the dream.  And this annoying alarm won’t stop annoying me, when it can clearly see I’m busy.  I’m trying to beat the gremlin.

Nahh. I think I'll stay right here.

Nahh. I think I’ll stay right here.

How can daytime be good when it takes a monumental effort to pull myself up?  Last night when I was on the couch, it didn’t take this long.  But in the daytime, it requires all kinds of energy. It might take a shower, or food, or coffee or energy drinks(none of which I take.  Well I do shower and eat sometimes.) But none of them are fun in the morning.

When I am playing video games, or watching TV during the daytime, I’m considered lazy.  When I play them at night, I’m just winding down, relaxing from a hard day.  When I eat all kinds of garbage during the day, I’m a glutton.  When I eat them at night, I’m just “getting a midnight snack”.

Nighttime doesn’t expect you to be productive. But daytime is like your grandma grabbing you by the ear and dragging into the bathroom and making you wash behind your ears. Daytime is the military waking you up at 5 am, shining a bright flashlight in your face, calling you a maggot and telling you to run 5 miles.  Daytime splashes a bright light on all your dreams.  The wet blanket.  The party pooper. The one that asks you to work ALL. DAY. LONG.  Come back defeated.  Nighttime brings you a comfy robe, and slippers, gets you the newspaper, brings you a danish and some warm milk and lays you down on a nice couch.  Then you drift off with your Big Ideas.  Nightmares.  Pssshhh.

Waking up.  Now that is a Bitter Daymere.

ARRRRGGHHHHH

Bitter Daymere Ben

58 thoughts on “Bitter Daymares”

  1. LOVED. THIS. POST. It’s so true! I lay awake thinking of all the things I want to write about then the morning comes and there they are again…people. Annoying AF people. Distracting me from remembering my awesome ideas or just enjoying life. LOVE!

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    • I hate it when you have a good idea and it is just ready to revolutionize the world and you forget to write it down for like two seconds and your stupid brain hides it away forever. Kind of reminds me of this Snickers Mini commercials where the girls are about to pitch their idea but the hairspray overcomes them.

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    • Dear Lovely Sami Anne,
      Of course I will be glad to do an interview for you. I’ve always wanted to do one, but only one other person has ever asked. Luckily it won’t be in front of a camera, but the camera doesn’t love this guy, but over email, now that is my forte. So ask away! My email is bengardner2000@gmail.com. Thanks again!

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      • That’s wonderful news. Email works perfectly for me. As I have been only interviewing via email, I plan to branch out to video and in person interviews…later…much later. Although I am not ready yet. I’m a little socially awkward, haha! I prefer writing… anyway. I will email them shortly! 🙂

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        • Do you have a deadline for this? I can probably do it tonight if that is okay. And I’m pretty socially awkward too. That’s why blogging is so cool, because there are so many of us out there that do well in written form and not in person. It would be funny to get a bunch of us in a convention center somewhere and see how we all interacted together.

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        • Not at all. I don’t have any deadlines whatsoever. You can take as much time as you need because it may take me a while to post it. Blogging has always been my go-to because of how much I can’t talk to people in real life. After getting married, I’ve gotten a LOT better. But still. Awful. I think it would be a terrible idea, hahaha! People sitting in corners, murmuring, is what I picture… lol.

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        • You really think so? Wow, I haven’t heard that one before. That actually makes me feel kind of happy. Thanks for that. I like to ask open-ended, thought-provoking questions. They always make for an interesting answer.

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        • I guess it really just comes from what I want to know most about everyone. I’m curious by nature and I want to hear everyone’s story. The man sitting on the corner begging, the woman that looks close to tears in the grocery store, the man who works in a construction yard dirty all day— there’s just so much to learn if people are willing to talk.

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        • If I was an interviewer, I would definitely be cheating on that. I would watch the questions that really famous celebrity interviewers asked, then do the complete opposite. Because those questions are moronic.

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        • Haha, that is pretty true. You know what has been bringing me joy lately? Humans of NY. I mention it in the description of this section but I don’t want to copyright infringe on them and I don’t use their questions, but they’ve been giving me a lot of inspiration now that I follow them on Instagram, haha.

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        • I’ve heard of it. I’ve seen something like it in a couple of different iterations. Good for you for doing it on your blog. Looks like you have quite a portfolio of interviews on your blog!

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        • I’m surely working on it. It is just fascinating to me. Everyone has been through something different and it’s just exciting hearing their stories. I am finishing up a few then I’m going to start posting blogger interviews (yours included) within the next couple of weeks. Then I want to start getting interviews on the street. Like strangers. That will be such a challenge to me and I’m quite fearful… but ah, oh well.

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        • Thank you! It is only scary because of how shy I am, haha. I can do this. Actually, yesterday I had my first person ask if I could do the interview via phone instead. I’m freaking out. I will figure that out when I can though.

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        • I’m from near Seattle. Suburb called Renton. Pacific Northwest, Puget Sound, Emerald City all kinds of names you can call it. That’s where I live now. But I’ve lived in California, New York, South Dakota, Idaho, Utah.

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        • Okay, thank you! That’s really cool that you’ve lived all over. I’m going to make a general call by going with ‘Washington’. Oh I’ve been dying to go there. I’d love to go to Seattle.

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        • Washington is fine then. Don’t die to come here though. Might I suggest June or July when the rest of the country is baking and we finally start seeing some sun? The rest of the year is blah and rainy. Except this year.

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        • Oh yes, I live in Florida so I will be on the top rack of the stove baking away. 100+ degree temps are not fun. I’d love to pay a visit to Mt. Ranier, Mt. St. Helens, the tulips, and super touristy stuff like the gross gum wall and the Pike Place market. I have a feeling it’s a whole new world going from Florida.

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        • Well, we will be heading to FL to do a cruise to the Bahamas and then staying after to go to Disney for a few days in June. Maybe we can switch places that month. What’s funny is that I haven’t even done most of those things. The gum wall, no, the tulips no, Mt. Rainier, no, but I have done St. Helens on a bike trip. That was actually pretty fun, but quite a ways from Seattle.

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        • Oh, that’s super cool. You and your family will have a lot of fun at Disney. We totally could switch places! And no worries, most don’t normally become tourists in their own hometown. Like, it took me 22 years of living in Florida to see the Everglades and Miami. I only went in December with my husband for our wedding anniversary. So.. I guess we’re all just crazy, hm? It sounds really cool though. I have a friend who grew up there and talks so well of WA. He wants to go back. It’s just a completely different state of being than Florida. The landscape, people, and all that.

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  3. I work nights. People hear this and they feel bad for me. They have no idea. I work in an almost empty building, with almost no noise at all. When I go grocery shopping, I’m the only customer. I drive to work in no traffic, and I drive home in no traffic. When telemarketers call during the day, I can yell, “I work nights!” into the phone, and hang up. Actually, you can do that one too. But best of all… I can sleep ALL DAY.

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  4. Dam those effin gremlins!! stealing my million dollar ideas and leaving my empty and poor in the morning. I hate waking up! Wait . . What? No, I like waking up! I do!! But I like to wake up naturally, yes, on my own!! At night, my kids are in bed and I can do what I WANT TO DO!! Ha! My time!!! Although ultimately, maybe its time for a vacay! Glad it was just a dog, abandoned by club bangers – those bitches!!

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    • I get so pissed at those Gremlins stealing my ideas for a billion dollars. Of course, even if I had the billion dollar idea, I would squander it away with my lack of any other skills, like running a business, accounting for money or building anything.

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  6. Grocery shopping is a daymare. And a circle of hell. I am also much relieved to know I’m not the only person on the planet who consistently misspells rhythm. Why?? Why is it so hard to remember the order of those six freaking letters??

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    • Grocery shopping is the worst. All the walking, and giving away your money for things that will be gone in a week. And rhythm? I wouldn’t even be that bad if I at least had some. But instead I’m spelling it wrong for something I don’t even have.

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  8. As I read this post in my pajamas at 8:17 am, I really envy you and your hard working lifestyle. I wish my grandma was here to pull me off the couch and get me back to work. I agree with how daylight flashes the spotlight on your dreams and responsibilities. Uck. I guess I better wander down to my office and do SOMETHING. Thanks Ben, for pushing me forward (whether you meant to or not). Excellent post by the way…we need to go to lunch sometime…if I could get out of bed that is.

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  10. LOL! Well said. I think I’m afraid of the daytime, too. People expect entirely too much of you when you are awake.

    If it’s the middle of the night you can whine, “but it’s 1:30 in the morning” and people will empathize. Try complaining, “but it’s 1:30 in the afternoon,” and everybody looks at you like you’re crazy.

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