The superhero genre is getting a little ridiculous. There are some legit superhero movie stars out there that I’m fine with getting big time movies. Guys like Superman, Batman, Iron Man, Wonder Woman, Wolverine, Spiderman and so forth. These days, if there is a legit cool or recognizable hero out there, they will get a movie made about them and I’m okay with that. But now people are desperate to come up with a superheros that we are starting to see a new genre of superhero. The Generics. They are popping up on Nickelodeon, TLC and the app store. You know, the guy that has a tacky looking mask, or the girl that has pigtails that help her float a little?
If a casting director were ever stupid enough to put me in a movie, no doubt they would cast me as a generic villain. Of course, I couldn’t be the main baddie, because I couldn’t even lead a horse to water, let alone lead a bunch of incompetent minnions. I would be the incompetent minnion. Last night though, when I was practicing not drowning and getting hit in the head with a pool toy, I was trying to what kind of hero I would be. What I realized is that I would have several abilities, but one strong weakness that would make me almost intolerable to people. I would annoy the crap out of people, because I would be reluctant to get off the couch when an emergency arose. So if there was fire, I would probably see if the fire fighters could do their freaking job. Or if a robbery was taking place, perhaps the cops, that are paid to deal with that stuff, could come to the rescue instead of me, who isn’t being paid for it.
Every superhero needs The costume – I would not be getting a state of the art costume with tights, but something way more comfortable like sweat pants. Instead of a mask, an old baseball hat. Sandals or tennis shoes instead of boots. And I’m not spelling out some symbol on my chest because I don’t have one. I won’t be arriving in a Batmobile, but a Dodge Caliber with a vanity plate (if I can afford one that year). Not at lightning speed, but about 70 miles an hour when traffic permits (don’t expect me to rescue you during rush hour). There’s no Batcave, or Fortress of Solitude, or a Mansion headquarters, but a shed in the back yard, shared with the lawn mower and garden tools.
Backstory – I have the worst backstory. It will bore people to death. Instead of being an orphan, I have two parents that got along and brothers and sisters that didn’t bully me. Instead of being an alien, I’m from South Dakota, where I was really inconvenienced because I had to shovel the snow sometimes and mow the yard for $20 a pop. Instead of living on a farm, I live in a generic, boring city. Instead of pondering the stars or being a genius, or having heavy expectations burdened on me, I have parents that are pretty happy with a C average and not too upset if I bring home a D every once in a while. There is no tragic accident, or bullying or any trama of any kind in my life. Just a kid that is slighty below average that doesn’t want to make a difference in the community, nation or the world.
Enemies – My cat. He never goes out when I open the door, will only eat processed cheese and is constantly scratching the sofa. My driver’s ed teacher. He’s still bitter because when I took the driver’s test as a teen, I used our Ford Focus with parallel park assist to cheat on that part of the test. The local weekend weather guy is the major villain in town, but he has bigger fish to fry so he send’s his third minion in command to deal with me, and even the minnion is only slightly annoyed by me.
My equipment – A 32 CRT television, an old laptop with dial up, a MySpace account to track all the goings on in the city, and a pay as you go cell phone.
My powers:
The Blind Me with Science Move – An ability that comes from my hand that is basically a powerful lit up period table that blinds people for about a second and gives me no kinds of time to get away.
The Bitter Bile – Laserbeams that come from my eyes that give people slight heartburn.
The Boredom Yell – An ability that comes from my voice that can put to sleep even the most interested people in the world.
The Super Slo Mo – When I run, I immediately switch to slow motion. While in slow motion I am invulnerable, meaning I can stop bullets, lift cars, walk into volcanos and stay under water forever without any damage. So I can save almost anyone, but it will take a while, so make sure the situation can handle me taking a while.
The Firework Show – I can produce a firework show from my ears. Problem being, it only works when things are silent, so won’t help in stealth situations. And it is kind of loud, so I lose my hearing more each time it works.
Watch out bitter minnions of local, evil organizations that want to take over generic, boring cities. I will be there, sometimes, to thwart your smaller plans and save and annoy your local citizens. Be on the watch out for Super Bitterman!
ARRRRRRGGGGHHHH is my primal scream!
Bitterman Ben
My super power would be the ability to unintentionally suffocate myself. If I inhale too heavily, my nostrils suck shut. This is problematic as the panic that sets in when one’s nostrils won’t stay open causes one to hyperventilate, in turn, makes one breathe heavier, causing the nostrils to seal even further shut. And so on. I’m fun at parties.
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I’m Superman would be impressed. I bet he doesn’t have that ability.
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It’s likely a good thing that he doesn’t. Passing out while flying would be a bad thing.
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Yeah, I just think that he likes to collect all the super powers and he’s jealous of anyone else that has them too.
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Traffic Girl. Melts meters with a single glare. Suspends alternate parking with a calendar virus. Gorilla glues all traffic arms in ‘raised’ position (except for trains). Cheerleads council members into replacing all traffic light intersections with roundabouts, legalizing rolling stops, and cutting fines down to unlimited warnings. A hero to all downtown retail establishments and the folks who fight urban sprawl. Her costume is a look of frustration and ‘But officer, I don’t get paid until the end of the month.’
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That sounds like a hero most everyone could use as opposed to mine who is completely useless. The only place you wouldn’t be welcome is the small town community, because they want to have a little traffic every once in a while.
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Awesome Post! I always try to think of the kind of superhero I would be. Love the powers…especially The Boredom Yell. I picture something like a super yawn with that loud noise people make to draw attention to themselves so others know when they are yawning.
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I figure with my super boring voice, it would be a way to put people to sleep.
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that would be an awesome super power!! Could you imagine how many things you could get out of with that kind of power?
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I’m hoping I could get out of meetings. Just put everyone to sleep then just leave…Sounds pretty ideal.
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I did not have to parallel park in either of my two attempts on the drivers test thankfully. If I had I would have failed the second one.
The fist one I failed for forgetting to put my seat belt on, and driving over a curb, and driving the wrong way down a one way street at the instructors instructions. She was a well…I shouldn’t say on here. Bitter grrr..
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You forgot to put on your seat belt? well I would have failed you too. Just because I’m tired of telling my kids to put one on every time they get in the car.
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Ha! I was so nervous and very scared of the umm…ahem “lady”
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She sounds like she belongs in the Bitter Hall of Fame.
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Oh yeah she did
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I’ll see if there is any space for her.
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Good. Just a heads up she was a big tall lady who chewed her gum like she was chewing her cud.
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Kind of like the boater’s license lady on Spongebob?
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I’ve never watched sponge bob..lol
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Well, the lady who teaches him how to drive a boat is a complete wreck because he is always failing at the test. Maybe she was like that because of your bad driving.
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It’s possible..
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Maybe she should become a puffer fish and try to teach boating ed to fish.
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Maybe she should!
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And her foil would be Spongebob the eternal optimist!
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Ha!
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I think I’ll hire Superman if it’s all the bitter same to you.
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Sure, that’s fine. Just know he is pretty expensive. Course so am I, so I would go with him too.
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But he would get the job done. Would you have him fly you on your couch to the scene of the crime?
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That would be helpful. Then he would have someone that could get stuff done when Kryptonite was weakening him.
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pft
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Ford Focus? I don’t think so!!
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They didn’t exist when I was in high school, but when I got in the time machine from Back to the Future, I went to the Future and brought back a Ford Focus.
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Ford Focus? When was that?
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I never had one. That was a hypothetical, just like me being a superhero.
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Definitely one of my favorite posts! Too funny! I prefer to think of myself as less superhero, more damsel in distress. Emphasis on the distress. However, I think you would make a great superhero! Ability to make anyone bored while you are speaking! That’s a rare talent. It is probably in demand in some regions, but I can assure you not mine! I am bitter that you had parallel park assist considering I failed the driver’s test the first time because of my inability to parallel park…which is not really fair considering that in my whole 6-7 years of driving have not needed to this oh so important (worth failing you over) skill. So there’s that.
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Well, I’m sure you are really competent damsel in distress. The kind that tells the prince to hurry up cause you’ve got a paper to write so hurry up and get the saving done. Yes, I have a voice that can put a room to sleep in a hurry and all you have to do is ask me about sports or video games and I will bore you to death with details. I wish I had that driver’s assist. Didn’t even exist way back when I was learning how to drive.
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Oh ya! No time delays when it comes to him saving me! Girls got things to do! Yeah my car does not have any sort of assistance, it makes me do all the work (much like my coworkers kidding…)
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Which is why I wouldn’t be a good hero, cause I would do everything in slow motion and people would get tired of waiting and save themselves. Yeah, my car even makes me lock the doors and roll up the windows. Can’t even do that automagically. Not even kidding about the co-workers. Tired of doing all their work.
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Haha ya my last car was like that! Almost as inconveniencing as your blog. Almost.
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Someday I hope to upgrade to a car that has automatic everything. Like drive me to work, get me the groceries, wash itself, everything.
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I too hope to make that upgrade.
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Ben Stiller might be interested in this script! Hilarious, and thanks for the laugh!
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I’ll be sure to get that to him through Twitter. Summing it up in 140 characters seems to be the right way to do it, right?
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Totally! And hit up Will Ferrell, too! 🙂
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I need to hit all of Will Ferrell’s accounts, and of course Rainne Wilson, because you know, Dwight.
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LOL! I love Dwight! He would be perfect!
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I keep trying to get him to be my twitter friend so I can write for him and he can act stuff out. He would be perfect for re-enacting my bitterness for the big screen.
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LOL! Good luck!
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That sounded so much better than the third (or fourth?) Avengers movie set to come out…or at least I think it did. I nodded off midway…your powers are legendary
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I do have legendary powers to put to sleep, to annoy and to distract. Too bad there isn’t one that could actually stop or save someone.
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Not for nothing; the bitter bile would be super effective. I don’t handle heartburn well 🙂
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I would be immune. I get heartburn on an almost daily basis. Which is why I would be able to dish it out a lot.
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Yeah, what’s up with the lame super heroes? What’s up with Ant Man? I think in his mind he’s saving the world but in reality he’s just carrying a crumb on his back.
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That is probably a good point. I almost laughed when they said that they were going to do a movie called Ant-Man, but apparently he’s integral in the whole Marvel Universe somehow. Like he invented something. But I saw the trailer and wasn’t intriuged.
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Ants are very industrious. They could well be the anti-hero to Super BitterMan.
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That is true. They definitely seem to be overworkers. They would make me look really bad for being lazy, but I would win in the end, because they would collapse from over working and stress.
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I can’t wait to see the movie.
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I will probably underdeliver on that once again. The king of disappoint here.
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I would see that movie.
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I guess because you are having a hard time sleeping? I would even have a hard time watching that movie.
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