Super BitterMan

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The latest and greatest new superhero, Rubik's Cube Man!

The latest and greatest new superhero, Rubik’s Cube Man!

The superhero genre is getting a little ridiculous.  There are some legit superhero movie stars out there that I’m fine with getting big time movies.  Guys like Superman, Batman, Iron Man, Wonder Woman, Wolverine, Spiderman and so forth.  These days, if there is a legit cool or recognizable hero out there, they will get a movie made about them and I’m okay with that.  But now people are desperate to come up with a superheros that we are starting to see a new genre of superhero.  The Generics.  They are popping up on Nickelodeon, TLC and the app store.  You know, the guy that has a tacky looking mask, or the girl that has pigtails that help her float a little?

If a casting director were ever stupid enough to put me in a movie, no doubt they would cast me as a generic villain.  Of course, I couldn’t be the main baddie, because I couldn’t even lead a horse to water, let alone lead a bunch of incompetent minnions.  I would be the incompetent minnion.  Last night though, when I was practicing not drowning and getting hit in the head with a pool toy, I was trying to what kind of hero I would be.  What I realized is that I would have several abilities, but one strong weakness that would make me almost intolerable to people. I would annoy the crap out of people, because I would be reluctant to get off the couch when an emergency arose.  So if there was fire, I would probably see if the fire fighters could do their freaking job.  Or if a robbery was taking place, perhaps the cops, that are paid to deal with that stuff, could come to the rescue instead of me, who isn’t being paid for it.

Every superhero needs The costume –  I would not be getting a state of the art costume with tights, but something way more comfortable like sweat pants.  Instead of a mask, an old baseball hat.  Sandals or tennis shoes instead of boots.  And I’m not spelling out some symbol on my chest because I don’t have one.  I won’t be arriving in a Batmobile, but a Dodge Caliber with a vanity plate (if I can afford one that year). Not at lightning speed, but about 70 miles an hour when traffic permits (don’t expect me to rescue you during rush hour).  There’s no Batcave, or Fortress of Solitude, or a Mansion headquarters, but a shed in the back yard, shared with the lawn mower and garden tools.

Backstory – I have the worst backstory.  It will bore people to death.  Instead of being an orphan, I have two parents that got along and brothers and sisters that didn’t bully me. Instead of being an alien, I’m from South Dakota, where I was really inconvenienced because I had to shovel the snow sometimes and mow the yard for $20 a pop.  Instead of living on a farm, I live in a generic, boring city.  Instead of pondering the stars or being a genius, or having heavy expectations burdened on me, I have parents that are pretty happy with a C average and not too upset if I bring home a D every once in a while.  There is no tragic accident, or bullying or any trama of any kind in my life.  Just a kid that is slighty below average that doesn’t want to make a difference in the community, nation or the world.

Stare into the eyes of my worst nightmare.

Stare into the eyes of my bitterest rival.

Enemies – My cat.  He never goes out when I open the door, will only eat processed cheese and is constantly scratching the sofa.   My driver’s ed teacher.  He’s still bitter because when I took the driver’s test as a teen, I used our Ford Focus with parallel park assist to cheat on that part of the test.   The local weekend weather guy is the major villain in town, but he has bigger fish to fry so he send’s his third minion in command to deal with me, and even the minnion is only slightly annoyed by me.

My equipment – A 32 CRT television, an old laptop with dial up, a MySpace account to track all the goings on in the city, and a pay as you go cell phone.

My powers:

The Blind Me with Science Move – An ability that comes from my hand that is basically a powerful lit up period table that blinds people for about a second and gives me no kinds of time to get away.

The Bitter Bile – Laserbeams that come from my eyes that give people slight heartburn.

The Boredom Yell – An ability that comes from my voice that can put to sleep even the most interested people in the world.

The Super Slo Mo – When I run, I immediately switch to slow motion.  While in slow motion I am invulnerable, meaning I can stop bullets, lift cars, walk into volcanos and stay under water forever without any damage.  So I can save almost anyone, but it will take a while, so make sure the situation can handle me taking a while.

The Firework Show – I can produce a firework show from my ears.  Problem being, it only works when things are silent, so won’t help in stealth situations. And it is kind of loud, so I lose my hearing more each time it works.

Watch out bitter minnions of local, evil organizations that want to take over generic, boring cities.  I will be there, sometimes, to thwart your smaller plans and save and annoy your local citizens.  Be on the watch out for Super Bitterman!

ARRRRRRGGGGHHHH is my primal scream!

Bitterman Ben

 

60 thoughts on “Super BitterMan”

  1. My super power would be the ability to unintentionally suffocate myself. If I inhale too heavily, my nostrils suck shut. This is problematic as the panic that sets in when one’s nostrils won’t stay open causes one to hyperventilate, in turn, makes one breathe heavier, causing the nostrils to seal even further shut. And so on. I’m fun at parties.

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  2. Traffic Girl. Melts meters with a single glare. Suspends alternate parking with a calendar virus. Gorilla glues all traffic arms in ‘raised’ position (except for trains). Cheerleads council members into replacing all traffic light intersections with roundabouts, legalizing rolling stops, and cutting fines down to unlimited warnings. A hero to all downtown retail establishments and the folks who fight urban sprawl. Her costume is a look of frustration and ‘But officer, I don’t get paid until the end of the month.’

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    • That sounds like a hero most everyone could use as opposed to mine who is completely useless. The only place you wouldn’t be welcome is the small town community, because they want to have a little traffic every once in a while.

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  3. Awesome Post! I always try to think of the kind of superhero I would be. Love the powers…especially The Boredom Yell. I picture something like a super yawn with that loud noise people make to draw attention to themselves so others know when they are yawning.

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  4. I did not have to parallel park in either of my two attempts on the drivers test thankfully. If I had I would have failed the second one.
    The fist one I failed for forgetting to put my seat belt on, and driving over a curb, and driving the wrong way down a one way street at the instructors instructions. She was a well…I shouldn’t say on here. Bitter grrr..

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  8. Definitely one of my favorite posts! Too funny! I prefer to think of myself as less superhero, more damsel in distress. Emphasis on the distress. However, I think you would make a great superhero! Ability to make anyone bored while you are speaking! That’s a rare talent. It is probably in demand in some regions, but I can assure you not mine! I am bitter that you had parallel park assist considering I failed the driver’s test the first time because of my inability to parallel park…which is not really fair considering that in my whole 6-7 years of driving have not needed to this oh so important (worth failing you over) skill. So there’s that.

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