Bitteruptions

/ bensbitterblog
Ever.

Ever.

 

Today is the bitter equivalent of the best day of the year. It is the first Tuesday AFTER the holidays in which everyone (or at least everyone I know) took two or three weeks off of work and are now having to return to the realities of school, work and all kinds of bitter things. There is no amount of caffeine that can help people forget how terrible their jobs are and how miserable it is going to be to return back to the three weeks of emails they didn’t check, or back to the miserable kids they teach, or thousand of voice mails they are going to have to grind through. While I have been miserably working all these days in between the three days I got off for Christmas/New Years, I am accustomed to being miserable. But you unfortunate folks that had all that time off and were used to sleeping in and not doing stuff, today is going to be a bitter wake up call the likes of which you haven’t seen for some time. In addition, there is a winter cold blast in the North, so all of you will have the additional crappy weather to complain about, which will give you even more to be bitter about.
To me, it is on par with the Monday after the end of the football or basketball seasons in which coaches get embarrassingly fired from their jobs. Except instead of getting paid millions of dollars that are left on your contract, you get will 10’s of dollars to get back to work. And you probably won’t have any vacation or sick days until June, so start complaining suckers! That’s what this blog is for.  Actually, I’m going to interrupt those complaints with another.

Have you ever realized how bitterly annoying it is when people interrupt you? And is the interruption ever something you want to hear? No, it is never more important or better than what you were talking about and it always gets your thoughts or actions off track.  Examples:

Example 6: You are watching your favorite television show and Bitter Breaking News comes through.  It is the President of the United States and he has an urgent message about taxes.  He’s going to raise them.  How is that breaking news again? Then he finally stops talking and you stop snoring only to realize that your favorite show is now cancelled.  So not only did your taxes go up, you were bored to tears with the speech and now your favorite show was cancelled.  How did any good come of that?

Example 2: You are driving somewhere to get something at some store or you are driving somewhere to eat some food.  You and your spouse are talking about the future and how you can make bitterness a career, when a child in the back seat bitterupts.  “Daaaaaad, the other kid in the back seat with me, is doing something that is making me slightly inconvenienced, that you can do nothing about because you are legally strapped to the seat with a belt and I have to tell you in such an annoying whiny voice that you will want to tell me to stop whining before you even tell the other kid to stop and then we are both going to not listen to what you say anywaaaaays.”  Me: “Stop.”  You are now at the store and the important discussion about your bitter career is forever postpwned.

Bystanders will be flogged and blogged.

Bystanders will be flogged and blogged.

Example 16: You are trying to do an important bitter post called “10 bitter things about Dust and how it will leave you in the” and some person comes up behind you while you are posting and says, “Ummmm, could I get you to like do some work?” and you are like, “Not right now thanks. I’m busy.” and then they are like, “Well, it’s kind of important that you do some now.” and I’m like, “Really, not a good time right now.  I’m thinking about dust and how I’m gonna leave you in it,” and they insist again.  “Ben, the CEO is making his rounds and it would be really great if you would at least pretend to be doing something so I don’t get in trouble.” So I sigh, and pretend to do some work, while the CEO walks by for 1 second, doesn’t even look at my desk, or computer or any of the thousands of things both in my email inbox and my inbox and pretends like I don’t exist and doesn’t give me a raise again this year.  I finally get back to important post at hand, but forget reason number 8, which throws off the 10 reasons, and the post doesn’t get Freshly Pressed, doesn’t makes it on theOnion.com and my career as a professional blogger that works 1 and 1/2 hours a week and gets paid millions is shattered.  All because some person keeps insisting that I do work for money here instead of blogging.

no hiking

You didn’t really think I was going to go hiking did you?

 

Example 2.3: I am preparing to do a hike up a steep mountain.  I get a backpack and fill it will important things like Cheetos, a large Pizza Hut Pan Pepperoni, my laptop and cell phone that only work on Wi-Fi, some illegal fireworks for having fun with along the trail, my XBox, four changes of clothes, some Q-tips for cleaning my ears, and a bunch of magazines for reading, because hikes are soooo boring.  Just as I am about to leave, someone says, “Wait don’t go, the Seinfeld two part season 6 finale is on.” Well, you know, I can’t miss those two episodes that I’ve only seen 16 times.  They are like my 40th and 51st favorite Seinfeld episodes.  So, I stay, but of course, I’m really bitter because I had to put my backpack away and later had to put everything back, because my Xbox was calling my name and hooking it back up took like 5 minutes of my life that I would never get back.  Uggghhhh.

What is this ringing noise on my phone?

What is this ringing noise on my phone?

Scenario 43: You are in the middle of an intense game of Tsum Tsum on your phone, a game which you can’t pause, and you have been toiling away every chance you can get.  In the waiting room at the doctor’s while checking on your head injury, at home while ignoring your kids, when you are driving while you ignore other drivers, at the beginning of your hike before you get interrupted by the Seinfeld thing, only a few points to go to get the special Elsa Tsum Tsum right before the deadline of never being able to get her again, and a noise pops up on your phone.  “What is this noise on my phone? Why is it ringing? That isn’t the text noise or the email notification, or even the upgrade noise.  What is the ringing?  You look down and realize it says a name.  Why is my mother’s name appearing on my phone? She doesn’t know how to text or email.  “Ben, is that you?” my mother’s voice shouts out.  What else does this new fangled device do? Is this what the cell phone manufacturer’s refer to as your voice data? This is so new.  What do I do with it? Do I text back? I hit the end button figuring that maybe that will text my mother back and go back to my game.  Too late! I can no longer get Elsa.  The bitteruption killed my chance! And I still don’t know how this demon device allowed me to hear my mother’s voice….

Well, I hope this post finds you in the middle of something important and completely throws off your day like it did mine.

ARRRRRGGGHHHH

Bitter Bitterupted Ben

 

41 thoughts on “Bitteruptions”

  3. Another good one, Ben. Almost didn’t read it–such a LONG post–but then remembered how long my own are. Now I’m bitter that I kept reading, because you interrupted important stuff, and kept me from it. For the entire rest of the day. Maybe the rest of the week.

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    • I know. I hate when other people do long posts. Then I remember I do long ones sometimes too. I wouldn’t have blamed you if you didn’t make it all the way through. I could barely get through writing it.

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  5. Ben, I have often wondered how you post about work without consequences. You just don’t care. <– I love that. I am so afraid to say anything negative about paid work. You're an inspiration to us all.

    PS: I wrote a really bitter blog that I wanted to dedicate to you, but it was about something very woman-y and I didn't want to embarrass you. But thanks for the bitterinspiration x2!

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    • I think it is for two reasons. 1) I don’t think anyone at work reads it and 2) if people at work read it and didn’t realize I was totally joking and I totally love my job, then they don’t have a sense of humor and they need to get one.

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  8. I was busy reading posts on the internet when your blog suddenly interrupted the mundane madness of reading about writers’ recommendations for overcoming writer’s block and how to market your potential best-seller book by paying $30 for an online seminar that… Oh, wait. That’s not an interruption. That’s a rescue. Thanks for the bitter laughter. You made my ghastly blog-reading addiction temporarily less mundane.

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  10. It’s definitely challenging to get back into our routines, even for people like me who like routines. And you’re right, the cold weather doesn’t make it any easier. NE Ohio is one giant freeze-fest right now. And I’m not too pleased about it…

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  11. I don’t know why you sent this post just now – it’s time to start work and I wanted to get the 10 minutes of work I do a day out of the way. But noooo, here comes your post and I have to to read it, which will tke 10 minutes because I have to stop and laugh every now and then to make you feel better, and now it will be 10 minutes later when I can start to slack. Dang it!

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    • It was a bitteruption of your day. Though I don’t think you should complain as it helps you focus on your misery of using a walker, which you wouldn’t have thought of if I hadn’t reminded you.

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  13. Example 22: You are trying to update your Bachelor Bracket before the next viewing of the bitterest reality TV show on any network ever – a task that requires ultimate concentration because of the copious volumes of angst and heartbreak and blonde hair and ugly criers involved (as well as the vast numbers of roses that will soon wither and die like the love that never existed between Bachelor Chris and any bachelorette ever) – when your overachieving coworker who thinks she’s your boss but is really just bossy decides to schedule a 7:30 a.m. conference call, a time which is completely unreasonable and results in Bachelor-level degrees of angst and heartbreak and bitterness and ugly crying over the Bachelor Bracket that never got finished.

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  14. I have no intelligent comments but just thought I should keep my streak up as bitter commenter numero uno and interrupt whatever cool comments you are reading and cool people that are writing them so you have to deal with this spew on nonsense. Argggggh! I probably wouldn’t even reply if I were you.

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