Just so you know, I didn’t major in the poetry arts in college. Also, ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas is very long and I am very impatient. And by the way, rappers don’t always exactly rhyme all the time either and they get paid millions of dollars more than I do. So, with that in mind, be bitter for many other reasons about my presentation of The Day Before Christmas.
It’s the day before Christmas, and all through the company,
Not a person is stirring, except that person that is bumping me.
The stockers are filling shelfs with inventory
In hopes that we get don’t get a big order from the military
My co-workers are all nestled at home taking naps
while I’m stuck here at work pretending to give a crap.
I in my casual clothes, them in their jammies
Just settling in for some email scammies
When out on a roof I heard such a clatter
Nope just a repairman fixing something that doesn’t matter
Away to my car I flew like a flash
In hopes that being here will get me some bonus cash
The moon still appearing cause it’s still dark outside
Making me wonder if I should hide
Under my desk and pray the phone doesn’t work
So I don’t have to listen to another complaining jerk
Then appears the CEO, on this most useless workday of the year
I’ve got an announcement, you can all leave here
On accounting! on IT! and Systems and Service
Go home and spend time with those that deserve us
Eat some food, have some egg nog, open a present or two
Just make sure you don’t get the flu
Then appeared my boss telling us we can go home
Except for you Bitter Ben, there’s work to be done
So stay here all night, release this to the warehouse
We’ll be at home, with our kid’s and our spouse…s
Don’t be bitter though because you are getting overtime
Just make sure you aren’t blogging and making up stupid rhymes
We need you for last second calls and demands
I’m sure your kids and family will totally understand
But have a great Christmas, and here’s an envelope
When I grab it, I finally get some hope
That there might be a bonus worthy of a king
And maybe on the way home, I can buy some bling
When I rip it open, I have a miracle in my head
Then see it dashed when it’s a coupon for some Miracle Spread
I wearily go to my car late at night
To see all kinds of sleighs going left and right
I drive in a winter storm and finally get home
Then realize that I forget to set the alarm to roam
I’m not going back, that is for sure
Merry Christmas whoever’s gonna break in, it’s definitely your year.
ARRRRRGGGHHHHH
Bitter Day Before Christmas Ben
Thanks for liking my poem Dedication. Might that mean you have been there once or twice?
Brent Kincaid, WordMusic.
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Yep, I’ve definitely always been the jealous type.
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You are one of the rare people who I think has a future in poetry! I’m tired of hearing about the wind whispering and the sea calling…I want to hear about U.S. people problems! Say what?!
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If I didn’t hate poetry so much I might actually try to make a go of it. Actually no I wouldn’t. There is even less of a chance of me getting published with a book of poetry than a fiction book, so nope!
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Stop. Turn around. Clap one time. Turn back around. You’re writing a fiction book?
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Yeah. I thought every blogger was working on a book of fiction! Though I think if I was you, I would be writing a book about your experiences. I have to write fiction because my life is so boooring.
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I am working on a “fiction” book. Every time I have tried to write fiction it quickly turns into non-fiction.
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I should just compile all my posts into a non-fiction book.
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I wonder if people would buy my posts with a hardback cover?
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No doubt they would. Probably want you to autograph their computer too.
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Well, it seems you get no respect. Have a wonderful 2015 anyhoo. 😀
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Nope, no respect. Let’s hope someone realizes that in 2015.
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Guess what?! I actually have REAL MONEY in that account!! It happened sorta’ by axxadint, and ahma gonna spend, spend, spend–Whoop-dee-doo!! Or I could choose a bill to pay. Or give my money to a certain Bitter Boy. Let me think… Which will it be?
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You should definitely give it to Bitter Boy. Just consider it a bad investment like my 401K.
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We could probably compare portfolios. But then I’d be as bitter as you.
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I’m pretty sure you could never be as bitter as me. Especially when you see how little I make in my 401k.
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Many years ago I worked for a company that kept downsizing… and they were doing some of this around Halloween and Thanksgiving… and I remember writing a version of “Twas the Night Before Christmas” that was all about the end of a sales quarter and corporate stock going down. I had to keep it hidden lest it be frowned upon, but at some point over the years I lost it. Seeing your post makes me wish I had kept that little bitter nugget of my own.
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Yes, tis the season for downsizing and losing money and stock going down.
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Great job on the verse about the curse of working during this greedy, avaricious(sp?) time of year. Happy New Bitter Year, Ben!
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It is a curse having to work near all the holidays while I imagine everyone else sitting at home being lazy like I want to be.
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Ben, I’ve stayed away too long. One of the best “Twas”es ever. From the way you managed to come up with a rhyme for “the company”–and how it managed to immediately share your bitterness at still being at work on Christmas–to the “Just settling in for some email scammies” that actually made me laugh out loud for real, to the stretched plural of “spouse”, to that anticlimactic “The moon still appearing ’cause it’s still dark outside”, with your unspoken, loudly implied “(Duh!)”–
I loved it. Great job. Thanks so much for a fun read. And Merry Christmas! (Many shopping days left until January 6th–or, if you want my PayPal account# for direct transfers, this, too, can be arranged… : )
–O. Babe
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I would love your Paypal account. Does that allow me to access to all your PayPal money? Cause I could sure use some. It isn’t cheap to spend all that time coming up with all these words I write.
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Epic. A few stanzas deep, I started reading this in Eminem’s voice in my head.
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That is like the ultimate compliment. Eminem rapping my poem would be awesome.
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He totally would if he knew what’s good with your blog and bitter awesomeness.
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Maybe I should send it to him for his next album. Then I could get a co-writing credit and millions of dollars.
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Go for it!
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I will copy and paste this, (real paste) over the words in my original version book. It was time to update tradition anyway.
Merry Christmas Bitterness to you Ben!
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I think it should replace the real one. That one has had its run, now it’s time for some Bitter Christmas!
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you majored in telephone but you must have taught poetry: just beautiful
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How could you ever think that was beautiful when it was full of bitter. I am bitter that I major in phones because I hate them so much.
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i don’t know but i did. i hate phones & am bitter about them & everything else ,also.at least people ask you to speak to the secretary, instead of you…mine only want me.
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I don’t have a secretary, wouldn’t know what to do with one. I can’t stand talking on the phone and i have to do it 80 times a day.
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i would know what to do with one..they would be busy 24/7, straighten out last 90 years of my life.lol
80 x’s a day on phone,i would shoot myself
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I’ve considered it. At least bamboo shoots.
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i like to eat bamboo shoots..i am so hot…it’s 71 inside now.. they told the truth today i had the door open & washed 40 black evening gowns,, pink dresses, white , but where will i wear them
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Wow, complaining about being hot, must be so hard for those people in Chicago to hear that. You should wear the evening gowns to prom.
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Merry Christmas Bitter Ben some grrrr…I shall send!
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I appreciate getting the bitter grrr for Christmas.
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Glad I could add to your bitterness in some small way..
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And thank you for doing so. But not thank you.
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Your bitterly welcome/unwelcome
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Yes, I am.
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ha!
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Ha! T’is the Season for T’was parodies. And this one is worthy of getting hung with care. Loved tge Miracle spread line! Merry X-mas.
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I know it’s cheesy to post a Tis the Season parody, especially when I got overwhelmed about half way through and bailed early. Oh well, I think most people got the point.
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Thanks for the rhyme. It helped me pass the time. My blog post is bitter, too. Stop by, when you get a moment or two. 😉
Merry happy!
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I always have such a hard time rhyming. I should never do poetry for a living.
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I make it a point to thank folks who work so that I can have a restful holiday… but sounds like you are in one of those out of sight, out of mind jobs where that will never happen. Thanks for blogging it, though… this one went straight to FB.
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I make it a point complain bitterly about everything, so this was just another thing to complain about to the pile.
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Bitter greetings from my couch! I hope they at least let you leave early. Merry Christmas Ben!
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They let me leave a whole whopping 1/2 hour early. They shouldn’t be so kind. And also I got to work late on New YEar’s eve so there’s that to be bitter about too.
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Oh that sucks! Do you have to work Friday? We do damn it!
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Of course I have to work. I can never grab a break.
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Join the club! 😉
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Is there snacks in your club?
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Always! 😉
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Well, I like Cheetos, Snickers, and ice cream sandwiches.
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Mm, sounds good to me.
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Bitter Ben, Well written and one that many of us can relate.
I wish you and your family a very merry pathetic and bitter Christmas.
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It was definitely a pathetic and bitter Christmas. And New Years is going even bitter.
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Ben you inspire me, NOT! HAPPY HOLIDAYS TO YOU AND YOURS!!!!!!
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I’m glad I could a disinpiration to you.
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Those who work extra hard get bonuses, right?
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Not in the real world, no.
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I’m reading this at work and working on my blog as well. It’s like looking in a mirror and seeing my bitter reflection. Great job!
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If this is the kind of mirror that shows one side nice and one side bitter, then I am the bitter side definitely.
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Nice stretching on the rhymes there – hope it left you loose and limber and prepared to look happy when you need to.
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I am about as limber as a thing that isn’t limber. As far as stretching the rhymes, that wasn’t even close to what rappers do, so I think I’m good. Way to focus on the rhymes and not the story, Elllen.
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Way to focus on the l’s and not the e’s or n’s; just because the l’s are taller. Hmph.
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I always focus on the me. Cause me is more important that you.
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Oh no. Are you really having to work today?
My husband has to. Today and tomorrow.
By the way, the little snowflakes on your blog scared the crap out of me the other day. (Rhyming.)
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Yep, have worked the last two Christmas Eve’s. Cause you know, the people that have worked here should always have to work it. 😦
Sorry about your husband having to work both days. I would be really bitter if I had to work tomorrow.
The snow is available to everyone. You can just click on a button and yours will snow too.
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There is a flag on one of the places buried within your WP Dashboard that says “D’ya want it to snow during the holidays?” (only it doesn’t say it quite this way), and only members of the secret WP club have access to it. I’d tell you where it is, only they’d have to kill me. Or because I can’t remember, and I’d look for it and THEN tell you where it is, but then I’d have to look for it AGAIN, and every year that drives me absolutely crazy, and even though I just found it a few days ago, I’ve already forgotten where it is. A smarter way is just to google for it.
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I do have it. I did it last year and I guess it just kept it going this year unless I uncheck it. So you know, I got to make people bitter by scaring them with the snowflakes.
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Uh… I’d MEANT my reply to go to your commenter, but whenever using my dumfone w WP, the dum prediminates (See what I so appropriately did by accident there?)
Bitter New Year, Ben!!
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I never know when comments are going to other people, so sorry to interrupt your convo with others. And by the way, I’m sure most people that comment on my blog leave and never come back. Sorry(actually not).
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Yeah–big nerve butting in on your own blog.
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I know, rude right? I have always been really inconsiderate in my own house too.
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Well, you seem more the Miracle Whip type than the bling type to me anyway. Bitter Christmas Ben!
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Yep, Miracle Whip is the only miracle associated with me.
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LOL Ben. Your job sounds like a real pain in the arse.
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It is. Though this wasn’t wholly based on my job, it definitely had elements of it.
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