First of all, I want to say to all those out there that are not working this week, because your jobs are awesome and they let you have this week off, or you are a teacher and they “make” you stay home for two weeks, or you are just going to “call in sick” for two weeks, I am bitter about you. To all those that have to work, because your co-workers are bums and keep stealing all the good vacation, I can relate, and I’m bitter for you. To all those who have to work Christmas Eve and Day and have to work New Year’s Eve and Day, I’m also bitter for you too. Unluckily for us, there is something that will make us even more bitter. The Christmas music that will continue to play while we sit here bitterly wishing we will at home not listening to it. Here are a few examples of music this time of year that I’m bitter about.
This one is pretty obvious and has had some backlash for a couple of years. Baby It’s Cold Outside.
I really can’t stay
But, Baby it’s Cold Outside
Can you see how this offends me? Why would I ever want to stay at a party any longer than I have to. I mean how rude is it to ask someone like me to stay at a party and be bitter, when I could be at home in my jammies, and playing video games and being bitter? I mean, you should be lucky that I even decided to attend this attrocity of a party. Okay, maybe I was threatened that if I didn’t come that I wouldn’t get the new tablet I requested, but I came. I was bitter and ruined your party, brought a really bad gift and grumbled at how bad the food was, but I came. I wore your lampshade on my head not because I was getting reckless, but because I really just wanted to be a lampshade so people would stop talking to me, but I stayed. Now, you are telling me because it’s a little cold outside, I would want to stay in your house? Have you seen how cold it is in your house? I mean, you kept the heat so low that only wearing a parka was keeping me warm at all. So no. I will not stay. Back off.
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus –
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus
Underneath the mistletoe last night.
She didn’t see me creep
Down the stairs to have a peek
She thought I was tucked
Up in my bedroom fast asleep.
Kiiiiind of wrong on so many levels. First, Mommy shouldn’t be out at the Christmas tree trying to peek on the presents. If she stays up too late waiting for Santa, she should lose some presents. Second, that kid should be in all kinds of trouble too. What the heck is he doing out of bed, in what he describes as “creeping” on her mom and Santa. I don’t know if you know this kid, but when you get older, creeping can get you in all kind of trouble. Not that I would know.
Santa Clause is Coming to Town –
He sees you when you’re sleeping
He knows when you’re awake
He knows if you’ve been bad or good
So be good for goodness sake
Speaking of creepers, Santa. First you’re kissing my mom, now you know exactly when we are sleeping, and when we are awake. And how could you possibly know when or if I have been bad or good? It’s not like I have a blog or Facebook or Twitter or Instagram or any other type of social media on a public thing like the internet that you could instantly look up and see how I’ve been this year. I don’t recall ever getting a “friend request” from you. So really you are just judging me on a few public pictures and public postings? Or from my 170 or so posts this year on the blog? Kind of only a little to go on, sir.
Jingle Bells –
Jingle Bells, Batman smells,
Robin laid an egg, Batmobile lost its wheel
And Joker got away
First of all, yes, Batman probably does smell. He does fight crime for a living and he is wearing a really heavy costume. Lots of times there is fire around and that can really make you sweat. I assume he smells after a long knight just like the rest of us. But Robin laying an egg? Yeah, I guess he does kind of write some terrible posts and does kind of lay eggs when it comes to fighting crime. And Joker getting away? Like that is a surprise. He gets away every time.
We Wish You a Merry Christmas –
About Figgy Pudding:
And we won’t go until we’ve got some
We won’t go until we’ve got some
We won’t go until we’ve got some
So bring some out here
First of all, figgy pudding? I don’t even know what that is. Second, I don’t know how to make it. Third, why are you singing carols at my house, at the request of not me, and then you are asking me for some food? I’m sorry but get off my property! Oh you won’t go until you get some? I think you will go. I’ve got a really sharp ninja sword in my basement that says you will leave without some figgy pudding. But I do know where you can get some. Yes, my neighbors at the end of the block. You know, the ones with annoying kids and the dog that has rabbies and bites? Yeah, they make a mean figgy pudding. Don’t go until you get some.
As for all those people staying home this week sick, I sure hope you don’t get the flu or something. Cause that would be terrible. At least you will have all kinds of music to keep you company. I hear Mariah Carey does a really mean (and by mean I mean terribly off key lighting of the Christmas Tree live) All I want for Christmas you can listen to on repeat.
AARRRGGGGHH
Bitter Christmas Music Ben
figgy pudding- food network= dates ,figs, butter,sugar,eggs, flour,dark chocolate, ice cream or whipped cream…sauce- brown sugar , heavy cream….
LikeLike
I’ve never tasted it, nor do I think I ever could.
LikeLike
neither have i. i didn’t know what it was either,so i looked it up.
LikeLike
I hope you googled it, because dictionaries aren’t available anymore.
LikeLike
lol.. i keep saying dictionary.. i just unpacked a dictionary my brother gave me a set of books, when i was 12 & it smelled like mold , so i threw it out. i threw 41 boxes next to the porch & many bags of paper trash…hurt my ribs
LikeLike
I’m sorry your ribs got hurt. Must have been all those dictionaries you hefted.
LikeLike
t y yep & i stood on the L side of door to slide balcony open for mover to put paintings outside, like an idiot…should have been on R side..
i forgot to say last week , & i did another yesterday: i want to see your sideways pic on my niece’s photos, like what i did last night.. not mine but hers…pic on elephant. t y
LikeLike
I saw that. So, now your niece is blogging? Did you get her into it? Did you get on elephants with her?
LikeLike
Ahaha but I think you forgot a song that could actually even warrant a post all it’s own.
“Grandma got run over by a reindeer”
LikeLike
I thought I put Grandma got run over by a reindeer. But if I didn’t, it was definitely in the first draft.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Lol! Did you know that your sideways?
LikeLike
Yeah, of course. Did you finally figure that out?
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yes actually I just noticed when I started tilting my head..lol
LikeLike
I’m surprised you didn’t notice before.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Maybe it’s because I’ve straightened up…lol
LikeLike
Sometimes when you straighten up, you realize how short you’ve gotten.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Wanna laugh? (Bitterly of course) I am short. 5 ft 1 and my Hubby is 6 ft 8
LikeLike
You getting short with me Gibber? Oh yes. Of course you are. Perhaps you should be bitter that you are so short!
LikeLiked by 1 person
I am, it’s not fun hugging Mr. Gibber’s belly button..
LikeLike
Guess you need a lot of footstools around, huh?
LikeLiked by 1 person
You’re not kidding!
LikeLike
How did Mr. Gibber even find you when you were so short and he was so tall? I’m guessing he didn’t look across a crowded room and find you.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Ha! No he did not. It’s a long story.
LikeLike
I’m sure you will be telling it on your blog someday…
LikeLiked by 1 person
It was told on my former blog I think.
LikeLike
Well, I don’t have access to that, so I guess I will never know.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Ha maybe one day.
LikeLike
Perhaps you should share, so we can all know how the short girl got with tall guy.
LikeLiked by 1 person
The short girl ran from the the tall guy for three years. Tall guy worked next door to where short girl worked as a stylist. Tall guy came in for haircuts. Rumors started, short girl ran. Tall guy didn’t give up and now we’re married 11 years.
LikeLike
Sounds like he stalked you for quite a while. What better way to start a marriage!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Ahaha! Well we’re 11 years in so we must have done something right.
LikeLike
Well I’m 14 years in so we win. At least I do. My wife..not so much.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Ahaha! She must be bitter.
I’m bitter that you win..
LikeLike
Yep, she’s had to put up with a bitter guy for quite a while.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Well opposites attract, like short and tall 😉
LikeLike
She is sweet and I am bitter. I guess opposites attract.
LikeLiked by 1 person
So you’re bitter sweet
LikeLike
Together we are yeah.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Awww a match made in bitter sweet heaven
LikeLike
Here in the south we have Christmas at about 28 ̊C which makes it difficult to sing along with most Christmas songs like “let it snow”, “baby it’s cold outside” and “Chestnuts roasting on an open fire”. I like “I saw mamma kissing Santa Clause” although it does sound more like a peeping tom song than a Christmas carol. Songs that get played here often this time of year are “Last Christmas I gave you my heart” and “All I want for Christmas is you.”
LikeLike
Like the south in the US or south like Australia? It seems like someone from the south US wouldn’t use Celcius cause they wouldn’t even know what it meant (not that I know what it means). And the whole “All I want for Christmas is You” is such a crock too. I bet that wanted more stuff besides some person.
LikeLike
Hot South Africa, utmost bottom tip of Africa where the sun and mosquitos are merciless. Well not as bad as Australia though.
LikeLike
Sounds absolutely hot. And mosquitos make me bitter, so…remind me not to go to Australia either.
LikeLike
Good point about figgy pudding. I did a whole post on it in years of yore and it did not look like anything one would go door-to-door demanding. Better to demand pepperoni pizza. I think you should leave the lampshade on your head year-round to disguise the bitterness.
LikeLike
If I was to go door-to-door, I definitely wouldn’t ask for figgy pudding. And I would never go door to door, so that is about enough of that.
LikeLiked by 1 person
It’s the most bitterful time of the year!
LikeLike
You got that right. Just wait until the bitter new year!
LikeLike
Thanks! This absolutely made my Christmas!
LikeLike
It made you Christmas bittereer?
LikeLike
Of course! Perfect complement to how I feel this year…
LikeLike
Well, I know how it is. All the hustle and bustle for one day is exhausting.
LikeLike
Give it a day and check my post for a “Santa Clause is Coming to Town” creepiness that will add to your bitterness about this song. Trust me…it’s creepy…and it’s coming to my bitterly pathetic blog very soon.
LikeLike
So is there a trailer for it? Cause that would be awesome. Coming soon…on a blog near you….Bitterness about the Santa Claus song….
LikeLike
Bitterly…no. There isn’t a trailer for it…
However, if you’ve seen the movie, “Rare Exports”, you’ll understand the creepiness that will be coming to my blog very soon.
LikeLike
I need to come up with a trailer for my blog. If only I knew someone that would do all that stuff for free!
LikeLiked by 1 person
I feel like you’re asking without asking. Are you asking? shoot me an email and let’s talk.
LikeLike
I actually wasn’t asking you directly, no, more to the universe, but if you do stuff like that, then that would be awesome and I might take you up on it. Though I haven’t exactly written the commercial, I would definitely be down for some colaboration.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’d be interested in talking to you about what you’re looking for, but I should tell you that I’m no professional, it’s more of a hobby for me.
You have my email address from the comments I’ve left, so if you want to talk more about it, you know how to contact me.
LikeLike
I’ll definitely email you when I’m ready. I’m pretty much a hobby writer, though I would like to get paid for doing it someday.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I totally understand that. You’re very good. Keep at it and I look forward to hearing from you when you’re ready.
LikeLike
I’m going to try to expand the Bitter Empire this year, so hopefully I will have something brewing this year…
LikeLike
Happy Holidays to you and yours, I don’t like this time of year but I’m not bitter. You must not have received any presents when a kid.
LikeLike
Nah, just my sarcastic sense of humor.
LikeLike
So is the really, really LOUD music better than the Christmas music you talked about?
LikeLike
WHAT? I CAN’T HEAR YOU! THE REALLY LOUD MUSIC IS ON!
LikeLike
Dear Bitter Ben – I wish you the bitterest of Christmases! And thank you for all your Bitter posts this year – that keep me smiling! 🙂
LikeLike
Well, I wish you a bitter Christmas too. I will pretty much be doing this until well into next year, so you will probably have more posts to annoy you then too.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Awesome 🙂
LikeLike
Bitter!
LikeLiked by 1 person
One good Christmas song: I Just Go Nuts at Christmas by Jorgi Jorgenson.
LikeLike
Now that sounds like a song I could go for around about now. Or any other song that wasn’t a Christmas one.
LikeLike
Ben, in your list of people to be bitter about, you forgot all of us retirees, who don’t have to worry about getting the week off. It’s our JOB to be at home! I hope you experience some pleasing bitterness during the holidays (such as dark chocolate).
LikeLike
I did a post about bitter retirement a while ago and how I was bitter that I wasn’t. I think I’m going to eat some bitter chocolate and wish it was milk chocolate.
LikeLike
I once had a job where I had to work on all the holidays, because we were a 24/7 help line for hospital software. But I got paid double time to answer 4 phone calls in 8 hours. Not bad at all, considering I was making almost $30 an hour to sit and knit and watch bad movies and be bitter all by myself in our office.
LikeLike
Please let me go ahead and not ever get that job. I don’t care how much they paid me, I would be bitter that I had to work while everyone else wasn’t.
LikeLiked by 1 person
LOL! Oh, Bitter Ben, this is one of your bitterest posts yet! Why are you so hilarious? I’m trying to maintain my Grumpy Cat image over here, and you make it difficult with all of the smiling your writing elicits.
LikeLike
I think you should totally maintain your grumpy cat look over there. I will try to make bitterness a little more frown inducing from now on. Or maybe you should just read the newspaper to maintain your grumpiness. As for me, I just need to keep eating chocolate and get heartburn to retain my grumpiness.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Funny! Yes, do you know Baby It’s Cold Outside is actually the date rape anthem of 2014? And how about we take all those ‘Santas’ and change them to ‘Satan’?
LikeLike
Of course I do. And you know that I couldn’t talk about that song in a traditional manner like everyone else right?
LikeLike
Of course not! You are Bitter Ben after all!
LikeLike
You now know to expect the unexpected, which is expected. So pretty predictable.
LikeLiked by 1 person