Bitter Obsessions

/ bensbitterblog
I'm obsessed...but with other things.

I’m obsessed…but with other things.

After doing extensive research, I’ve found that people are too busy to read the internet and blogs right now because they are too busy celebrating the holidays.  Words are too hard to read and pictures are like a thousand words each, so there certainly isn’t time for that.  So, I’m bitter about it, but I’m keeping this short because I’ve heard interneters have a short attention span.

Was that intro short enough for you?

Below are a few things I’m bitterly obsessed about.

I’m obsessed with Twitter and Instagram and other forms of social media.  But not using them in traditional ways, but trying to change how they are used.  Problem is, no one famous follows me on either one of them, so I can’t make the changes I want.   For instance, on Twitter, I tried to do a theme for a while called totally blurry pictures. You would favorite them, retweet them and become obsessed with how awful they were.  On Instagram, I try to make bitterly snide comments with other people’s pictures or memes, but all anyone wants to do on there is post selfies…of themselves.  And by the way, if that guy on the AT&T commercial got “100 likes on his selfie” I don’t want to live on this earth anymore.

Yes, 100 likes.

A hundred likes for this guy.  Are you kidding me? 

 

Working for the Onion.com.  They speak my bitter language.  They were one of the bittersperations for this blog.  They have a TV show, a podcast, they write news articles and make videos that make fun of humanity.  Clearly, they are lacking a bitter person that stands around all day laughing at other people (in case they are reading this).  They also need someone that would do stupid things all day that they could write about.  I could be that person.  (Email and resume are available, theonion.com)

I am obsessed with my phone.  It is big(carpal tunnel), bright(blinds me in the morning), and has all kinds of uses.  I could use it to break a window (by turning the volume up really loud and playing opera), I can use it for surfing the web (meaningless Youtube videos) text people all the way across the room, and play hundreds and hundreds of meaningless free app games that will continue to waste away my bitter life.  I’ve heard you can use it to communicate through voice, but I’ve never tried to use it that way.  Seems to futuristic and hard to use for that.

Speaking of meaningless free app games, I’m obsessed with a gulp, hem, haw, holding hand overhead like I’m holding a noose, doing a slashing motion to my throat, a Disney Game called Tsum Tsum.  It sounds stupid and it is, but it is addicting.  And you can only play 5 hearts worth of games, and then it either makes you wait like an hour to recover hearts, or you can pay actual money to get more (like that will ever happen).  Anyways, I have to keep pushing through if I ever want to get a premium box and the chance to get an Elsa Tsum Tsum by December 28th at 11:59 pm UTC time(whatever UTC time is) , for my daughter of course.

I’m obsessed with video games.  But not so much a certain game.  I can quit at any time.  I mean I’m obsessed with them being revolutionary.  I want someone to create a game so revolutionary, that I will put aside things like family, car, gold, jewelry, hobbies, blogging, writing and job.  They keep not doing it, and I keep being bitter about it.

Dreams.  I’m obsessed with dreams.  What they mean, why they go away so fast, why the good ones never come true and the bad ones actually happen all the time.  And most of all, why I’m not dreaming right now.  Or am I?

I’m obsessed with advertising. Ever since I was young, and was forced to make a decision about what I wanted to do when I grew up(and realized I hated accounting and economics) I wanted to be an ad exec.  I wanted to write commercials.  Still not doing it, still want to.  I would love to write really bad commercials for local car companies, so they could annoy you.  Or even national commercials and get you to want to skip them to get to your favorite shows.

There you go. Really short post and only 2 pictures (only two thousand words for that one).  Now stop ignoring this post and read it.  Unless you can’t read, which in that case, just look at the goofy pictures.

ARRRRRGGGGGHHHH

Bitterly Obsessed Ben

 

87 thoughts on “Bitter Obsessions”

  4. I’m currently involved in a daily (almost) twitter campaign to get Kanye West to respond to me. Needless to say, it’s not working very well. (Apparently, when someone believes they’re God, it’s exactly like trying to communicate with actual-God.) Still fun though :p

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  11. Ha! the social media sites have been on my radar lately, too. I have this hate-hate relationship with twitter, mostly b/c I rarely trust the intentions of those who choose to follow me. Once I was followed by a SHRIMP, although — in his defense — he was pretty funny. Bitter on!

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    • I just use the twitter for material that is too short for a post and I like finding out people’s reaction to news and stuff on there. Not that I trust it, but just like observing people’s observations.

      I keep hoping for a SHRIMP follow.

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  12. I’ve become bored with the Onion.com. Most of their stuff is repetitive and it makes me bitter. Maybe one of these days I’ll write a rant about that…

    But I’ll be sure to keep it short because like you said…the attention span of most bloggers is pretty short right now…don’t want to bore them

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  13. I must admit…your list of obsessions was pretty long, so I kind of skimmed through it. Then I got distracted by my iPad, because a notification showed that it was my turn on Scrabble, and I had to play, of course.
    I used to be obsessed with advertisements, too! But mostly in the 80s and part of the 90s, when commercials had this great thing called “originality.” And also, jingles. Whatever happened to jingles?

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    • Even when I’m trying to be short it becomes long. So bitter! Just about everything is more important than reading about my obsessions.

      Wait they had original ads in the 80’s and 90’s? I guess I should go back and recheck. Where’s the beef?

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  14. It is so bitter when the holidays upstage blog reading. People can be so bitterly selfish and self absorbed. Like they have better things to do like buying Christmas presents and writing Christmas cards and having Christmas parties. Bitter Bah Humbug. 🙂

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  15. “Pictures are like a thousand words each.” That made my day. I hope that’s not an old joke that I never heard until just now, because I would like to squirrel it away for later and then people would think I made it up myself. Also, I understand the advertising obsession. My problem is, I have Photoshop. I make a couple of fancy pictures and suddenly I think I’m good enough for magazines. Then Vogue filed an injunction to make me stop…

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    • You can certainly squirrel that quote away for future use. Just make sure when you use it, to be really bitter. I have no skill whatsoever when it comes to art, and am super envious of anyone who can make an image with their pen, pencil, photoshop, noodles, M&M’s or any other art form there is out there. I get so bitter just thinking about it.

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  16. You just want to walk in Don Draper’s philandering ad exec shoes. Also those local car commercials are ridiculously annoying. I hate with a passion the ones with dogs as mascots. It’s the most obnoxious thing I’ve ever seen. I don’t give a shit about your dog. I wish I had a business so I could make my cat the mascot and annoy all those dog people.

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    • No, I’d be more like Peggy, except only as her at the beginning and not how she is now. I’d be the one just scraping to get an ad idea out.
      You would be pretty funny as a copywriter annoying people with your cat. I think as long as you are annoying someone you are doing your job as a copywriter. Thus why I would be good at it.

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  17. “After doing extensive research, I’ve found that people are too busy to read the internet and blogs right now because they are too busy celebrating the holidays.”

    Agreed. View counts are down. Either not-yet-bitter people are busy celebrating the holidays with other non-bitter still-loved ones… or the bitterness of my writing is being neutralized are therefore rendered ineffective.

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    • Wow, you came up with the same extensive research? You are a genius at figuring out stuff like me! Except you are real world smart and I’m just good at being obvious observation smart. I should have remembered that last year at this time it was a graveyard, especially Christmas week, but around January, a billion new blogs come out that fizzle out and fail quickly because it is January and people are setting new resolutions for the new year. It was quite funny to watch.

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        • Well, brace yourself because it is coming. It’s just like how the gym becomes flooded with all kinds of new people the first week of the new year, then gets extremely empty the next few weeks. Blogging may last a little longer with people, but not much longer. This will be my third January and it has been funny to see how quickly some abandon ship. Good on you for keeping it up!

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