My aspirations when I was growing up were not too much different than other kids my age. Most of them wanted to be Superman or Batman or a fireman. I also wanted to be in the comics, but as minion #2 for a nefarious megalomaniac dude (or dudette) bent on world domination. As per my life, nothing went smoothly or according to plan, though I’ve heard you have to have a plan in order for something to go according to it. If you couldn’t tell by now, I’m not a good planner. I tried it once and it didn’t take. You’ve probably noticed a post or two that seems to be throw together at the last minute and you would be absolutely wrong. Every post I do is haphazardly thrown together at the last minute.
You could send the world’s best expert in planning to my door to teach me for weeks on end how to plan, and I would probably lose my planner, forget the time because I was playing video games, and sleep through the first eight weeks of the seminar. Trust me, it’s just best for you to let me throw things together last minute. It will always go bitter for me when I do things last minute. Besides, when has an evil plan ever worked? I’m going to be the first ever evil guy to win, because I will just improvise something at the last minute, instead of having some huge, well thought out plan that will always fail.
As you might have deduced by now (because you are way smarter than me), there are a lot of things that I would fail at because of my inability to plan. Obviously, I will never be a good wedding planner, president’s aide, or motivational speaker, but there are some less obvious things that you wouldn’t think about that I would be bad at. For instance:
Lawyer – Can you imagine me being your lawyer?
Judge: Mr. Gardner, your turn to cross-examine the witness.
Me: Judge, can I approach the bench? Whispers to the judge: What does witness mean again?
Judge: The guy seated right next to me. The one that just swore an oath. The one that you need to cross-examine, right now!
Me: Right, of course, of course. Now that you pointed it out, that does kind of make obvious sense. I should have figured it out in the context of the situation. Now, just one more thing. What does cross-examination mean?
Original Boyfriend or Fiance of Actress in a Romantic Christmas Movie – Yes, these guys need to be jerks, which I could pull off no problem, but I would also need some experience being driven, responsible, and a planner to a fault. I would need to ignore Christmas parties, and other important dates throughout the Christmas season, because I am so obsessed with work. Sure, I’m great at avoiding parties at the holidays, but not because of work. It’s because I want to lay on the couch near a fire because it is freezing out, not because I wanted to stay late at work.
Breaking out of Jail – Finding an exit, distracting a guard, digging a tunnel, biding my time, buying a poster, getting a cheap rock hammer. Finding a buddy in jail that could help me. Just so many things that take years of planning. Does it look like I have all the time in the world in jail? If there is anything that I don’t have in jail, it is time. Time to think and ponder. Time to think about revenge on the person that put me in here for a really good reason. I don’t have time for a plan to get out of here. I’ll just be the guy that sneaks out when the break out guys are causing a huge distraction.
Santa Claus – Seriously, I think that dude gets like Christmas day off, then he goes back to work. Planning the route he will take, checking a huge list that changes all the time (twice? Are you serious? I do not have time to do a double check.) Plus, what if he does all the work for a whole year, to get everyone in the whole world accounted for and then, forgets one little thing, like gassing up the sled, or one of the reindeers comes down with a cold. Or Mrs. Claus had a date planned out that day, and made you feel really guilty for breaking the date.
Black Friday sales – Luckily, there is no such thing anymore, because everyone gets their cheap crap valuable Christmas gifts either online or Thanksgiving night. No lining up anymore because everyone does it at different times. But back in my day, when things were actually closed on Thanksgiving, people would get the Black Friday ads, carefully circle the stores they would go to for the best black and white 5 inch screen television sets, wait in line and then riot and fight and maim people for the one item that only stocked three of in every store. I once almost got beat up for a razor scooter that was only three years beyond being cool for a nephew that didn’t really need a scooter because he had a driver’s license and access to a car to drive to work. But you know, that was well worth risking my life for.
Though these things are all stuff I wouldn’t be good at with my lack of ability to plan, there is one thing that I would be great at.
Being a zombie – Random movements. Check. General malaise. Check. Ability to be in pain all the time? Check. Bitter groaning because of some first world problem like I’m not alive? Check. The general walk and feel of looking like you just woke up? Check. I think I have all the necessary skills to be a zombie. Except for the one that most zombies do, which is walking all the time. Can we just sit on the couch and watch real people on TV for once? Do we actually have to try to chase them?
Well, this post went way better in my mind, but as always the planning went to pot for me. If you wanted to read a good post, I suggest you peruse the Long Reads or the Organization sections of WordPress. That is where someone actually took the time to plan a post.
ARRRRGGGGHHHHH
Bitter Plan-et of Doom Ben
I was going to post a reply when I first read this but I got distracted. I have a double major in procrastination and squirrel chasing with a minor in sarcasm. You’re a bit too lively and articulate to be a zombie, so I’m afraid that is out. Back to the drawing board with you!
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Procrastination should be a job. If it was, I would have been the CEO of that company…as soon as I finished completing the internet.
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Thank you, Ben. You never disappoint to disappoint 🙂
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My wife is always saying that to me. I excel at disappointment.
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Awesome as usual. Always make me laugh, thanks
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Dang it! It’s supposed to make you bitter! Failed again!
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I feel your pain. I have several degrees in the fine arts of disorganization.
Maybe you should aim a little lower. Perhaps a bitter goal for you would be the brain, from pinky and the brain. He does the same thing every night, and never really elaborates on how he might accomplish his goal — he just tries to take over the world.
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Someday I might have a good answer for, “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” but I doubt it. I could say some smart aleck remark, but interviewers don’t like smart aleck remarks. Dang it.
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Lol, zombie. Love it!
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Pretty much a picture of what I would look like as a zombie.
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I’m the same way, especially with posts. The most I do ahead of time is occasionally typing the title and then saving it as a draft, but if I do any planning beyond that I’d never finish a single one. In fact, I’m currently waiting until the last minute to write a paper that’s due at 6pm but I know that once 4 o’clock rolls around, I’ll scrape together a first (and last) draft and be done with it.
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Every once in a while I will work out a few detes in my head or some topics to discuss, but that’s it. I don’t know how the planners do it…
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Same. I’d get distracted and forget what I was writing about
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Yeah, I get pretty easily distracted. when I’m writing a post, I sometimes forget to clock in at work.
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Let’s plan to teach you planning..
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Let’s just make the last minute decision to not do that.
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I’ll plan for that..
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Sounds like a last minute decision…
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A planned one..
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I plan to fail.
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Wow you planned something..
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Planned what again?
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Ummm..??
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yESS….
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lol umm..
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“but as minion #2 for a nefarious megalomaniac dude (or dudette) bent on world domination” – I see you as :Pinky: from “Pinky and the Brain”. Nice post…somewhat humorous…not funny…but humorous.
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I’ve heard from others that it wasn’t my best post, and I’d have to agree. Hey, not every post can be your best. I’ve littered the internet with bad ones. Good thing they don’t make much impact…
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Any man who can admit a mistake is worth following. I know…that’s a scarey thing since I refuse to follow blogs, but hey…your worth the exception. 😉
If you haven’t had a chance…could you read some of my stuff and let me know what you think. I’d appreciate the input.
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I can’t imagine why you would make an exception for mine. I guess you want to follow a bad example? Hey, we all make bad choices. What’s another one right?
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LOL! Of course! but you have over 5000+ followers on this blog, so you must be doin’ something right.
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It’s a mixture of bribery, longevity and some people just like reading about other people’s pain.
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reading about other people’s pain…
that’s why I stopped by!
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I’m a scheudefreude guy all the way.
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misery loves company
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Except this miserable grump. (Pointing at myself.)
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The very beginning and the very end wrung a turned-down wearyi chuckle, but what was with all the junk in the middle?
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Wow, Elephant photos. Sounds like you are on your way to being a 5 star general in the Bitter Army. Just kidding. YOU AIN’T GOT NUTHIN ON ME!
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I consider myself to be a functional procrastinator.
Planning is something that works for some – and not for others.
I’m not certain what exactly your problem is – but if it’s anything like mine…
I think too much to plan. The plan changes too much. Why have a plan if it’s going to be 100% different than planned once finished?
(did you follow that?)
NON-PLANNERS UNITE!
PS…I’m so happy you’re not Santa (and so is my kid).
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I consider myself to be a procrastinator that annoys other people about it. Does that have a cool name like yours?
I usually do much better when not planning.
I promise I won’t be Santa to you or you kid. I don’t want to ruin your Christmas’s.
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The zombie picture made me CTM. XD
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If I was a zombie, that is they type I would be.
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Planning for success is always hard. You can do it. AARRGGHH!!!!
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Thanks for the planning pep talk, anonymous person of the internet who I have never met. 🙂
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