You didn’t think this had anything to do with puppies did you? It was a ploy like a bad sports or newspaper headline to attract readership. But why would I ever want to attract you here? It just makes more work for me and work is the last thing I want to do on a Monday or any other day for that matter. If you noticed in the title, there was the word “lost” and that means, you get a long lost post from yesteryear, or in other words, the last of the Universal/Disney posts I did in December two years ago. Hey it could be worse. You could be getting a bunch of rambling, incoherent words that made no sense like my recent posts. Or you could have been way better off, like no post at all to pass by on your reader, so you can get to your favorites. Oh well, too bad for you. The good news is, this is the last of that epic mess of a 6 park, 7 day foot destroying bitterness. Now you can move on with your life knowing you will never have to read about how bitter Disney makes me…until we go on a Disney Cruise in June 2015. I bet you can’t wait…
The last of an epic 6 part Universal/Disney Bitterness Series. As long as this is to read, you will want to stick around until the the very end.
Remember when you were young and, after toiling for 9 long months in the slammer (school) you were able to experience the first day of summer? You and your friends decided to go to some park and play baseball or hang out in your secret hideout? You got to run around without any responsibilities and could wake up whenever you chose? That feeling of the first day of summer when you just don’t ever want it to end? This blog series(the Disney/Universal part) is not like that. I do want it to end. And probably everyone on earth wants it to end too. Or at least those who actually read it do. It has now been two weeks since this park happened and I can’t wait for this last installment to be over with. I know how sitcom writers feel when they have to write 22 episodes every year. Except for the funny part. And the 22 episode part.
On that bitter note, we entered Universal Studios Florida, not to be mistaken for Universal California. If we were in Universal California, I would have been a little worried about the drive home. This park didn’t have a theme, other than it was similar to every other park that I had been to in the last six days. Same amount of people that were getting in my way, same gift shops that sold the same things, same minor thrill rides in 4D. Also, I was telling the same bad jokes as I told my family the whole trip. This is one that I told them two days earlier when I found out there was a Shrek 4D ride. (4D refers to any film that has not only 3D glasses and 3D effects, but also spews water at you whenever someone spits in the show, or you see water on the screen. Yeah, fun.) So I would mention that Shrek was in 4D and I was going to be 4D next year. Get it? Yeah, I know. Sign me up for my own Comedy Central half hour special.
We were excited to see that the Despicable Me ride/ film/experience was newly open. We had spent at least five minutes looking forward to this ride. Since it was early, we were excited to see that the wait was only 70 minutes and looked forward to seeing the wait time later. I’m sure the two minute mini-ride would be well worth the wait.
Now that we didn’t have 70 minutes to plan our next place to go, we decided to be a little crazy and move around the park in a counter clockwise fashion. Sure enough, we moved backward in time. There was a Terminator 3D ride (you know like in the 80’s when they only had 3D). There was a restaurant from the 50’s that sold milkshakes and had servers that wore rollerskates. They had classic cars, that had actual metal and no onboard computer so I figured they were either from the 80’s or the 50’s. Or another decade. They even had less people like they did in the 50’s, so the bathroom didn’t have a line around the block(it also helped that it was well hidden).
We continued our journey to the past by going to a Barney themed area to get a toy for a kid that we babysit who loves Barney, then to a movie themed area based on ET. Does anyone remember ET? And no I am not talking about Entertainment Tonight. I’m talking about the one that Drew Barrymore was a kid in. Well, of course, my kids had never heard of it, so they didn’t know what to expect from this scary alien ride. It was in the dark and noisy after all. After the ride, my kids wanted to see the movie. But it was only on Blu-Ray. Now my kids finally know what we are talking about when we say, “ET phone home!” I think I was just as desperate as ET to get home, but the hideous plane ride home is a story for another day.
We met a weird family from a place called Springfield. They had almost cartoonish, yellow skin. Their last name was the Simpsons. They wanted us to play those really expensive, silly carnival games. They were telling us about an annoying neighbor named Ned and about a creepy clown and a show called Itchy and Scratch that they watched. The dad worked in a nuclear power plant. They ended up destroying a roller coaster, so we just skipped that place.
Universal is a lot better at representing a town than Disney. We got to the San Francisco themed area and there were authentic seagulls pooping on our heads and scaring our kids, a crappy fish smell from all the piers, overpriced housing, and of course Mummies. Also they had authentic San Francisco pizza, which is like regular pizza, but it is placed on a trolley and rolled down a steep hill.
There is a phenomenon at all the Disney and Universal Parks. You know how in Glee or any musical, people are saying words to each other, but then all of a sudden they start singing and nobody reacts like this is a strange thing? Or in Scott Pilgrim where the same thing happens but with fighting? Disney and Universal have the same thing with parades. We were walking down Lombard street (a famous San Franciso road), enjoying the Irish back alleys when all of sudden people started lining the streets and a parade broke out, like a flash mobs. Just like a flash mob, it ended just as suddenly as it started. I felt like I was being run over, but in slow motion.
Luckily, my kids were getting as sick of this place as I was, so we headed out, past the Despicable Me ride to see how long the ride line was now (90 minutes now!) and something caught my eye. A T-shirt of Gru that said, “Evil Genius”. I of course had to stop and get that, no matter the cost. On the way in, though my kids found their favorite souvenir of all. A fart gun. Yes, that is right. There was no way I was getting this, but my wife insisted that we get it for my son for Christmas, because he only had 46 presents already and he definitely need 47. So, she finally convinced me to get it. I was so bitter that I had to pay for a gun that my kids used to not only annoy me, but that I had to smell. Yes, it smelled too.
So, what did we learn on our last day of Orlando? I’m almost like Shrek because I am going to be 4D, Universal is much better at representing cities than Disney, and even in the last moments of your bitter trip you can find souvenirs that you actually want (the T-shirt, not the gun).
So long from Orlando and so long to these bitter posts about amusement parks. It’s a new year so back to regular bitterness!
P.S. You probably don’t want to know that when we went to get our bags inspected at the airport the next day, I was holding the souvenirs. All my bags went through with flying colors…except for the souvenir bags. I was about to leave when my wife said, what about the souvenir bag? I went to grab it, when a TSA told me to stand back. They needed to inspect this one more closely. That’s right, our fart gun that I didn’t want to buy, was a supposed threat to our national security. Because it was a gun. That gun made me so bitter.
ARRRRGGGHHH
Bitter Ben
Almost spat tea on my screen at your descriptions of Universal. Loved your writing and your humor. Too funny. I’ll never think of pizza in San Francisco the same way again. Awesome. Sorry. Not Bitter. :))
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You think that’s bad, you should see what I had to say about Disney. I like the meme that describes Disney as, “A Human Trap Set By a Mouse.”
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Well, it was just as bad a disastrophy as last time you ran it. Congratulations…
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So glad you found the disastrophy as illuminating as last time.
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I work in Lego Land in Florida. The average wait for a ride is less than fifteen minutes during most days. Now in the summer the Chi ride can have an hour wait. But compared to Disney not to bad.
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Maybe we will go there next time we go to Florida. At least if I get any say in the matterhorn.
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Look forward to meeting you and your family.
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So you are on the Chi ride?
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I do Chi, Island in the Sky, Carousel, Train and Tractor and Dragon. I am a retired teacher of forty years. This is my part time job doing thirty hours a week.
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That sounds like lots of fun. I sure hope we get to go there.
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I maybe able to get some minis. How old are the kids?
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10 and 7. You already sent me a couple once, but if you want to send more, that’s cool too!
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I don’t know if I said this before, but those ‘4D’ things? Yeaaaaah. When I went to Disney World the second time (7th grade), we did the one in the tree at Animal Kingdom. The Bug’s Life one. Yeah, that was my first panic attack. I had to leave and go wait for my parent’s outside, getting stared at by the kids that were younger than me all the while. The next time I went to DW (8th grade school trip), all my friends wanted to go to the Honey I Shrunk the Kids one. I sat with my feet up in the seat, eyes closed, ears covered the entire time. I was so scared of 3D things that I didn’t get anywhere near another one until Avatar came out. >.>
Sorry to ramble so much. Thought you might think it was funny. Or not.
I feel like I had something else to say to this, but I can’t remember what it was. Sorry. Then again, this is already a pretty long comment. Not long like some of our older comments, but still.
I DO remember hearing about the fart gun holding you up before. That’s just insane. People. >.<
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Yeah, my kids werent’ fond of those 4D experiences. Something about being in the dark, surprises from everywhere, getting wet and sprayed, kind of turned them off. I can’t imagine what it would do to someone with panic attacks. Good thing you don’t do them anymore.
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i think there was a picture of drew barrymore’s grandmother or great,on steps with mine, when they were little & if i had it , it could be in gaithersberg, where the plane just flew into the houses…
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That was generations before Drew Barrymore and you were famous.
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i’m thinking my grandmother was 70+ years older than me, so it could be her great great great
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That just seems so much great.
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great is good, but too much means i am very old, like 90
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Wow you really are old! I guess your grandma is like 160 years old then?
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exactly, you are doing bitter math 90+70
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I’ve had to do it to keep up with the 5th grader.
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that makes cents.. hairy belafonte: after i hit send i thought of him, but he has hair like you, i think
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Hairy Styles from One Direction. The only one Direction is his hair.
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as long as the 1 direction is the right direction
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I think most people’s one direction would be up to heaven instead of the other direction.
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yes, i you think your hair went up to heaven?
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Hairway to Heaven, yes.
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LOL heaven can wait – movie by hairy segall..i’m making eggplant parmesan… my realtor had to open can of sauce for me.i hurt my shoulder making pumpkin pie-stupid can openers
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Anything pumpkin makes me bitter. Perhaps that’s why I don’t like October.
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no, but i love pumpkin muffins and pumpkin pie & pumpkins that turn into carriages
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I wish all pumpkins turned into carriages. I don’t like pumpkin flavor at all.
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you’re kidding. i can’t live w/o pumpkin pie and allll the vitamin a
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I don’t know what else gives you vitamin A, but I need that cause I don’t like pumpkin.
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carrot cake.glazed carrots,& sweet potatoes have 377%
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Does everything have to be orange to get Vitamin A?
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it’s a good start but spinach has 56% vit A
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Now spinach I can eat. So I can have huge forearms like Popeye.
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Never watch ABC’s “Once Upon a Time,” a giant Disney animated-movie advertisement!
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I have watched it and like you said it is a giant commercial for ABC/Disney.
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You can’t be bitter if someone else is paying can you?
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Why not?
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Noooo…not the fart gun!! And by the way, what is Bitter Ben doing at a theme park? I could have told you that was a terrible idea. And what’s with these snowflakes on your page? My keyboard’s getting wet! I knew I would be bitter after reading this!
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Yeah, the fart gun story recycled. It was too late to retract it from there, but whatever. Something more for me to be bitter about. And snow. Yeah, it makes me bitter, so it made sense to leave it there.
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Wow, it’s like the gift that keeps giving…the snow and the fart gun!!
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The gift that no one wants spreading(except for me): Bitterness.
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You could always go door to door with the Bitter Bible.
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Or door to door with my Bitter Kids Books.
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That’s true…
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“My wife insisted that we get it for my son for Christmas, because he only had 46 presents already and he definitely need 47.”
That sounds like my mom!!! I’m glad you got your Evil Genius shirt. 🙂
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But of course, the evil genius shirt was too small so I only got to wear it a couple of times. 😦
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Yet another reason to be bitter.
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I know right? Kind of a cycle.
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