The Bitter Scents of the Season

/ bensbitterblog
What is that smell?

What is that smell?

It’s finally December, which as you know, means that it is finally time for awesome characters to come out of the woodwork, like Scrooge and the Grinch stealing Christmas and all kinds of evil villains in movies, like Boss who makes you stay late on Christmas Eve and Boyfriend who is a little too into work or rival girl at work who gets promotion because she sweet talks the boss instead of being more qualified.  But this time of year also brings about scents.  I think we can all agree that it is the best time of year for them. Here are some of my all time favorites.

Common Scents – There is actually none of this during the Holiday Season.  For instance, when was the last time you saw something advertised on a Black Friday sale that you wanted, that was actually in stock that you didn’t have to fight some crazed lunatic for that was actually in stock when you got there?  Or when was the last time Wal-Mart actually opened up every check out lane they had? Or when was the last time this holiday was in July where it would be easier to travel and not get stuck in the snow somewhere?  Or when was the last time you didn’t overspend just to get gifts for people you don’t like?

Burning Rubber – Ah, the smell of cars getting stuck in snow and trying to get out by continuously hitting the gas and continually not realizing that doing that will ever get you unstuck.  Or the smell of snow tires getting installed on your car for $700 and then not needing them.  Talked about burned…rubber.

I'm busy for that party.

I’m busy for that party.

The Scent of Failure – Take in a deep whiff of this, because it is all around you.  Failure to make it on time to work because there is ice on the roads.  Failure to get anyone at all the gift they wanted.  Failure to have a decent party that anyone wanted to attend.  Failure to get anything done at all at work.  Failure for anyone to have a rational argument about saying Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays.  Failure to come up with a post about anything that isn’t related to holidays or family or music for the whole month of December.

The Scent of Dying – The scent of leaves being crushed underneath snow, and feet and deer.  The scent of the death of Thanksgiving and Halloween by the juggernaut of Christmas.  The death of your savings account by sales, heating bills and party paraphernalia.  The death of power in your house because of rain, wind, snow and hail.  The death of hope that your favorite sports team having a chance of winning a championship. The death of your lawn, garden and trees that you worked so hard to maintain throughout the summer (you, not me.)

The Scentcership – Kids are around all the time, which means you need to censor your language.  Things like, “Hey kid, there is no Santa Clause!” or “Hey kid, I got this really cheap plastic toy from the dollar store for you, because I think you have too many toys.” or “Hey kid, despite the fact that your parents say you can’t play violent video games, you actually watch even more violence on cartoons on a daily basis.”

The Scents of Other People –  Because it is so cold outside, people decide to stay inside for most of December.  Instead of sending your kids outside to play, they have to stay inside.  Instead of going to the beach or to the forest or to your backyard, people are gathering inside.  They are wearing sweaters, and Ugg Boots and mittens and not as much deoderant.  So guess who we smell instead of the outdoors? Others.

I think he's talking to you not me. I didn't get a degree in fire stoppage.

I think he’s talking to you not me. I didn’t get a degree in fire stoppage.

Fire – Smoky the Bear spends all spring, summer and fall telling me, “Only YOU can help prevent forest fires!”, but as soon as it starts to get cold, we want fire in our fire place and fire on our scented candles that smell like Pumpkin Pie and fires on our stoves and oven.  Heck, we would build a fire in our microwave, if it meant that we could speed up the process of pizza getting warm.

Bitterness – My favorite of all smells.  The smell of kids not quite getting everything they want.  The smell of the holidays starting to get to everyone.  The smell of people getting excited for a movie and then it not meeting their expectations.  The smell of a trip gone wrong, a relative annoying them, or a goal not met.

May all your wishes not quite come true.  May your holidays be just shy of your expectations.  May your smells be not quite what you wanted.  May you scents that this post is going to make you bitter.

ARRRRRRGGGGHHHHH

Bitter Nonscents Ben

120 thoughts on “The Bitter Scents of the Season”

  2. Oh, you would be so much fun to give a gift to! Here are some gift ideas for you…the bitten gingerbread cookie (not bitter, but it probably should be)
    http://www.target.com/p/fred-3-piece-abc-gingerbread-cookie-cutters-silver/-/A-14756243#prodSlot=medium_1_15&tempterm=cookie+cookie+cutters
    – but they are out of stock.

    How about this? A Grinch sweater
    http://www.target.com/OpenZoomLayer?template=scene7-image&image=Target/16657935_is&omniZoomPartNumber=16657935&swCellSpacing=10,10&swHighlightThickness=1&swBorderThickness=0&itemTitle=Grinch+Pullover+Sweater+Green&omniImageCount= –

    but they are out of stock too…that just makes me so bitter…

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  5. Okay, I should have known the bitter parts of Christmas… but I thought of bitter sweet ones like pine, oranges with little cloves stuck in them and also, vanilla from cookies in the oven.

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  7. Friend, you are quite the wordsmith. Your puns never cease to make me laugh. But as far as scent goes, I will say that whatever winter does to make the smell of gas from my parents’ fireplace fill the air is maddening. Over Thanksgiving, I was sitting near it and didn’t realize for way too long that I was getting loopy from the gas which is very bad when you start making cruel jokes on people’s family photos on Facebook. (I had to give a lot of apologies this weekend)

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    • I would never apologize. You can’t get in trouble for cruel jokes when you are under the influence of gas fireplaces. And by the way, I got in trouble with my family for making cruel, yet totally funny jokes. They just need a bitter sense of humor.

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      • Thank you!! I’m always trying to explain to people how I was “just kidding” but then they act all offended when they set me up for the joke to begin with. If you’re going to post a picture of an ugly baby or write something lame, that’s on you. I can’t help it if somebody tee’s me up for a joke

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        • Seriously! If you set someone up with a joke just own it when someone destroys you. My family is just so bad at figuring that out. They think I should be nice all the time, which if they knew me, would understand that I was born with this one skill of being able to completely rail on your with heavy doses of sarcasm. Enjoy the gift!

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    • I’m actually glad the snowflakes are freaking you out. Is it because you have an irrational fear of snowflakes? Is it because you had a bitter experience with snow when you were a kid? Just know that you can also have freaky snowflakes on your blog too!

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  20. Okay. Yeah. That Wal-mart thing, where they have fifty checkout counters thing and they open three. Yeah. The ultimate holiday psychological torture. Thank you for high lighting that. Yeah. The Bank also likes to do this on Christmas Eve.

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  21. In all seriousness people need to get their chimneys checked before lighting fires in them, and be careful with space heaters. There have been three house fires in my tiny little town so far, and it hasn’t even gotten that cold yet. It’s going to be a bitter winter without a roof!

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  25. Love the clever plays on “scents” – common scents, Bitter Nonscents Ben, etc. You are so punny. Just don’t go ruining the “innoscents” of children with all that talk about Santa! 😉

    Also, favorite lines: “They are wearing sweaters, and Ugg Boots and mittens and not as much deodorant. So guess who we smell instead of the outdoors? Others.” Bahahaha!

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    • I perfected the art of puns in college with my best friend. We would go to girls apartments, tell them a few puns then left. It is probably why I didn’t date much in college.

      I think a lot of people think about the candle smells or turkey smells, but there are so many others (mostly not good) that we don’t think of. Just trying to point some out. 🙂

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