Imagine all the bitter people.
Now that Halloween is over, winter is chilling people to the bone, Christmas decorations are going up way too early, and the malls are being filled bitter people ready to fight for super cheap crap that nobody wants for a gift, I’m sensing a growing amount of bitter people of the world. It occurs to me that us bitter people need a gathering place of our own. A place where we can feel comfortable complaining and whining and being among people just like us, that we want to ignore and not spend time with, together. Though this probably isn’t a gathering place that we can do all year, but when it happens it will be glorious bitterness.
Come join me at the Bitterest Convention of the Year, or as the kids who didn’t get all the presents they wanted at Christmas, will soon disaffectionately start calling it, BitterCon. Bittercon will take place in Downtown Seattle. Not in a building though, but in traffic. Sure there will be lots of people honking at us, and Con goers will have to dodge traffic, and there will be general downtown mayhem. But Seattle is used to riots of every kind, so have a BitterCon there will be just another “protest” downtown. Besides, the news will capture the tremendous nightmare of event which will bring more publicity to BitterCon. Which is exactly what we don’t want and do want at the same time.
For only $1013.21 plus tax for a three day pass, along with parking being only $300 a day(we discourage car pooling or mass transit), you will have a RIOT literally. Some of the activities will include:
Meet famous bitter people like Syndrome.
Famous bitter people, like Grumpy Cat, Tommy Lee Jones, Ed the guy that you see every day in traffic, and Kat the crazy cat lady that stands in the espresso line complaining about how cold it is everyday while wearing sandals.
Cosplay as your favorite bitter characters from cinema, television and your favorite blogitarians. The less creative may just wear a couch and remote and dress as me or others may dress as Grumpy Cat, but I’m sure there will be some creative people that will dress like Syndrome, Dr. Evil, Gru or other outdated bitter villains.
Cosplay as your favorite bitter characters.
Copies of Bitter Ben’s Book’s for Bitter Beginner’s, which you read about on Tuesday, along with other blog posts and some really bitter school papers I wrote in 7th grade will be available for autographing.
There will be special panels on how to take you bitterness to a whole new level, rooms available to play nerdy, bitter role playing card games you invented with two of your friends, and an exhibition hall.
$100,000 will buy exhibitors or merchants a small booth space, for companies like Nintendo, Sega, Microsoft, or Sony so they can show off their latest bitter video games and stores may sell their overpriced and completely common items on the exhibitor floor.
Gruel is available in many inconvenient areas throughout the tri-state area.
Come join us for the least amount of effort given to a convention ever! Come not hang out with any of your friends! Come join a slew of really boring people that don’t want to talk to you! It will be the greatest amount of people gathered in one place that don’t want to have anything to do with each other!
See you at BitterCon 2014!
ARRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHH
Bitter Con Ben
Ben's Bitter Blog 
If it gets too cold to be outside, come to the store where I work. They eliminated holiday overtime and couldn’t find enough people to work hard at the lousy wages. Last week we got a memo saying that we would be disciplined for “nickle and diming” the company if we worked more than 8 minutes past our quit time and got 15 minutes OT. The place is full of bitter people and would probably let the rest of you in. (You wouldn’t have to work, just block the aisles.)
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Don’t you work in Canada? I would really like to go there so I can experience what really bitter cold feels like, but I doubt Canada would let me in, because they only want polite people there right?
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Michigan, actually. we’re not so polite. It won’t be a problem.
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Michigan? Oh yes, I can see how you would be bitter. Almost as bitter as I am growing up in South Dakota. At least Michigan has other people to be bitter about. We only had cows to be bitter about.
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What about comicon? I would prefer that instead?
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Nah, Comicon sounds like way too much fun and exciting. You should aim for boring and bitter.
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Will there be pizza?
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For sale, of course.
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What? No giveaways? Bitter arrrghhhh
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It appears like you think that I have all kinds of money to just giveaway things. Perhaps the vendors will have some giveaways for you.
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Well you do. 😉
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I barely do anything.
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I have seasonal bitterness disorder, which is ironically SBD. It’s really hard to get anybody to take my flyers for the support group seriously. Also, do you offer a Kosher meal plan, or can I excitedly plan to be bitterly disapointed over that, as well?
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I suffer from year round bitterness, so of course I will take the flyers and post them on my blog if needed. This disease needs to be taken seriously. Of course I don’t offer a Kosher meal, so you can count yourself bitterly disappointed by me as all people will eventually be (most usually right away.)
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I feel like putting Bittercon on my credit card would be the bitter gift that keeps on giving.
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I would live down to your lowest expectations. Come on down it isn’t that far of a trip for you!
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I was literally JUST there, being so bitter, you probably saw me. I missed happy hour by one minute because of rush hour and it was a catastrophe. I really should have looked you up though. I just kept expecting I would see your face on a billboard or something.
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Well, I for sure expect when I go to Kamloops that I will see your billboard there. You probably wouldn’t see me in Seattle, cause I hide out in Renton, not talking to people. If I ever did this convention, I would probably watch it like an overlord from a webcam.
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You neglected to specify a date! How will people know when to consolidate their bitterness?
However, you’ve said BitterCon 2014 and that children who didn’t get the presents they wanted could participate so that’s a very narrow window between Dec 26 and 31. 🙂
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The date of course, is part of the bitterness. There is no way to plan for it, and that makes you bitter because you have to catch a last minute flight. However, you used the information I gave, to deduce a pretty good estimate.
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I can’t afford those prices, which makes me even more bitter.
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Well start saving your pennies and you can come on down, or up.
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Is Bittercoin accepted as a form of payment at Bittercon?
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Yes, but real money needs to be traded in at the gate to get bitter coin. And bitter coin is only accepted at participating booths.
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Would I be assassinated if I said that sounded like fun?
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You wouldn’t be assassinated, but you would be hauled off to Bitter Jail at the convention.
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In that case I will say no such thing.
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Good, now come and don’t enjoy your time at BitterCon.
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Count me in!
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Awesome. Send me the money and you’re on your way to a very bitter time!
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