I work with a bunch of babies all day. Children. Whiny Brats. They cry all day, and need to be fed and given attention all the time. Any time they need something they ring and I’m supposed to answer. This makes me fully qualified to write bitter things about them. Along with being a bunch of babies, the customers I babysit all day also can’t seem to read. I can’t read this is the manual, or I can’t find this thing in the pricer or I can’t find where http://www.iamanidiot.com is located on the computer. Besides customers I talk to all day, there are a number of children out there that need help too. As you may know, not all children are completely cheerful and happy all the time. The bitter children of the world are not having their needs met by the cheesy and positively upbeat kids books out there. So, I’m throwing my bitter hat into the ring of multi-billion dollar a year industry (according to Shark Tank everything is a multi-billion dollar industry) with my line of Bitter Book for Bitter Beginners.
Though I can’t share the complete book with you, or else you would buy them from me, here is some of the books and a sample sentence or two.
Bitter Ben gets Caught in Traffic
Bitter Ben was in the car. Bitter Ben has a scar. Bitter Ben didn’t want to go very far. Yet, here he was in the car. Bitter Ben dad wanted to make par. Bitter Ben thought that sounded bizarre. Yet here he is still in the car.
Bitter Ben’s Halloween
Bitter Ben likes candy. It makes his tummy funny. It makes his mom crazy. Bitter Ben wanted to go door to door. All the houses. All the treats. His neighbors were freaks. They were geeks. They were clowns. They were hanging upside down. This made Bitter Ben frown. He wanted to go to town. So he could get all the candy. So his mother could frown. She removed all the full size bars. She removed all the tasty candy. She left Bitter Ben with root beer barrels and crackers.
Bitter Ben doesn’t want to Go To Work Today
Bitter Ben had a hard day yesterday. Things went very badly. The phones would not stop ringing. The co-worker’s would not stop asking him to do things. His boss would not stop making Ben’s head hurt. Paper kept stacking up. The sky hasn’t even turned on the light today. The bed feels too soft this morning. The tickle in his throat “all of a sudden” came. The temperature on his head “suddenly” grew much hotter. Bitter Ben doesn’t think he is going to work today.
The Crack on Bitter Ben’s Mom’s Back
Bitter Ben is playing at school. His friend tells him not to step on the crack. He says it will break his mom’s back. Bitter Ben walks into the store with his mom. His mom buys salad. His mom buys tomatoes. His mom buys skim milk. His mom buys granola bars. His mom buys kale. His mom does not buy Fruity Pebbles. His mom does not buy Snickers. His mom does not buy his Cherry Limeade. Bitter Ben steps on a crack on the way out to the car.
Bitter Ben’s Sibling Rivalry
Bitter Ben is not good at music. His sister is. Bitter Ben is not good at skiing. His brother is. Bitter Ben is not good at drawing. His other sister is. Bitter Ben is not good at sports. His other brother is. Bitter Ben is not good at reading. His brothers and sisters are. Bitter Ben’s parents don’t pay attention to him. Bitter Ben realizes he is good at jumping off the roof. Bitter Ben is good at breaking the vase. Bitter Ben is good at making noise. Bitter Ben is good at spilling the trash. Bitter Ben’s parent’s pay attention to him now.
Bitter Ben Goes to A Football Game
Bitter Ben gets to go to the football game. His parents dress up. His mom wear a shirt that is blue. She paints her face white. She wears a wears shoes that are white and a jacket that is blue. His dad wears a white wig. He wears a shirt that is blue. He wears pants that are blue. He wears gloves that are blue. They try to dress Bitter Ben in blue. Bitter Ben doesn’t like his blue shirt. He doesn’t like his white shirt. Bitter Ben likes his red shirt. His parents tell him he needs to wear blue and white. Bitter Ben throws a fit. Bitter Ben will not be consoled. Bitter Ben will not go anywhere unless he wears his favorite red shirt. Bitter Ben is the only person at the whole game that wears red. People are screaming. Mostly at his parents. For the choice of color that Bitter Ben wears.
Alright. Enough free samples. Now let’s get back to the part where you give me money for something I do horribly. The Bitter Book line of Books for Bitter Beginners will be out soon and will also be illustrated horribly by me. I’m not going to get some horribly good artist part of my profits just by scribbling pictures that I could not possibly do myself. Now get back to doing your jobs that you can’t stand so you can earn money that you can send to me monthly for my terrible books.
ARRRRRGGGGHHHH
Bitter Bookie Ben
no fruity pebbles , so u stepped on a crack.LOL
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I’m definitely cracked.
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me too! i will never learn. i was somewhere like 4 months ago & writing you about snuggies & it frooze..i had to shut it off..start over…i cannot write but 2 lines on the reader or it stops..
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I guess we need to call the people in charge of reader and get it fixed so everyone can be bitter.
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you know it’s probably just mine..& aol being mean to me
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Yep it is aol. I’m pretty sure AOL’s mission statement is to make everyone bitter.
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well it certainly is succeeding with me
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AOL is finally as success.
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Can I buy one from you?
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Sure. It is for sale for $199,999,999.99. Not a lot at all. We throw in free shipping.
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My favorite is Bitter Ben’s Halloween: “root beer barrels and crackers”
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I can’t wait to start my new line of books. I hope to make the world a much bitter place.
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I will support you! Tell me when your next book signing is
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It will be at next year’s BitterCon.
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I can relate Bitter Ben. I found myself hating more and more people everyday that even a friendly stranger waving and saying hello to me makes me shudder. It makes me wonder about my personality sometimes.
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I don’t wonder about my personality anymore. I just embrace the bitterness and then write about it.
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I’ll get right on that.
Is there a “Bitter Ben Book” coming out entitled “Bitter Ben Bullies his Blogging Buddies?”
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That one is definitely in the works. Thanks for the idea and being the inspiration for it.
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Anytime. Anything I can do to add to your bitterness.
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You bitter believe it.
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Like take away your pizza
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Don’t ever do that…
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Why not?
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Because pizza is sacred.
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Of?
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Something. I can’t remember. It was a long time ago.
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I don’t even remember leaving this comment..lol
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I know. It was a whole week ago and in terms of blogs that is like a year.
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It is!!
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SERIOUSLY loved this. I think it’s one of my favorites. This was me the entire time. ~~> 😀
Also, now I REALLY want to make a book like the picture at the top.
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I imagine my book at the top would be a large one, especially considering how many people I have talked to in my career of phones.
I actually really think it would be a good idea to complete some of these books and make it into a series.
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I think we should make your bitter experiences into a musical.
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Now that would be a challenge. I’m pretty sure it would be a disaster like that Spiderman musical.
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Shark Tank would give this 10 teeth up! A Great White idea! This will take a huge bite out of childhood illiteracy too. Can’t wait for you to FINish the series. Don’t get distracted because you have bigger fish to fry. This is a definite Finner…. er…. Winner!
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Shark Tank would just offer me $150 for 95% of the company with a royalty in perpetuity. Because they are nice.
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You are the Dr Seuss of the bitter world.
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I’m just the only one out there. Thank goodness. Not sure what I would write about if I wasn’t the only bitter blogger out there.
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Ha! Don’t even know where to start with this post, so I’ll just be bitter that you thought of it first.
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I have a lot of ideas first. Unfortunately, they are all really bad ideas. Bad idea king right here.
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I absolutely Love your kids books!! How much more fun that would have been to read when my kids were learning, than the stupid Kathy and Mark they had here in SA (Janet and John in UK!)
Please publish them – for the parents if not for the kids! 😀
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Well, you gotta a deal. As long as you promise to buy them when they come out.
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I know how you feel. This write is priceless. Thanks.
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If by priceless you mean you wouldn’t pay for it, that sounds about right. I’m pretty sure I will never get paid to write anything ever.
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If you need a bitter co-author to make the writing process even more horrible, my book of people I want to punch in the face is also encyclopedia size. And I got an early start, so educating bitter beginners should come pretty naturally.
Bitter Ben had a dream. Bitter Ben would write a book. His stories made his mother scream. But children took a closer look. Bitter Ben could teach all day to children with a certain gift. Bitter Ben could teach the way for children to learn bitterness. Bitter Ben had great success in teaching children bitterness. And the world was made a bitter place by Bitter Ben and his bitter face.
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I’m sure you have quite a list of people that need punching in the face. There are millions of them around you every day. I’m pretty sure I’m in most people’s books, but that is okay, because I’m used to getting sucker punched. Thank you for your submission to the Bitter Books for Beginner Bitterness. I will definitely look into including that into our complete line of books.
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Ha!!! This was a brilliant comment!
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Just tell me when I can get a copy for my children. Actually, this should really be released as a school text book. Have you considered the possibilities?
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I will keep you posted on the grown up children’s book line. I think I might actually do it, but only if you buy them.
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Well, you know I am quite possibly the cheapest person in the world, besides, quite possibly, yourself. I’ll buy it, but only if it’s really cheap, like less than $5 with shipping and whatever else and even then I’ll be bitter about it.
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Well, good cause we charge cheapskates twice as much because…we want them to be bitter. But just know that in the end, it is completely not worth the money.
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Well, in that case, put me on the top of the waiting list. I have a feeling that won’t be too difficult.
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You are the only one on the list. It will be lonely in the line.
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I prefer solitude.
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You’re in the right place then. I even prefer solitude in my gatherings.
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