Surefire ways to get people to annoy you

/ bensbitterblog
I charge for my bad advice.

I charge for my bad advice.

I love advice.  I can’t wait to hear it, swish it around like a fine glass of water, let it sink deep down into my soul, allow it to be knocked around inside my head, then ignore it completely.  So please give it to me.  I want all the advices.  Let me know all about what you think I should do.  Tell me what I should eat, what clothes to wear, what job I should slack off on, how to drive from the back seat, and which way to go in a video game.  I’ll either go the opposite, 45 degrees to either side, or perhaps even tell you I’m going exactly the way you told me, and zig and zag somewhere else. Other the other hand, when it comes to giving out advice, I’m a legendary, all time world class dispenser of bad advice that somehow people listen to.  As for now, I will be dispensing advice about how you can get other people to annoy you.  Here are ways that you can get other people asking you the stupidest questions ever.

 

Don't get motherlode cakes in this costume.

Don’t get motherlode cakes in this costume.

Wear a costume in public on a day that isn’t Halloween – I know this because as you might have read, this last weekend I attended a murder mystery party and I dressed up as an old west bartender.  For some reason we had to get the world’s most expensive and seven layered cake ever called the Motherlode at Claim Jumper’s.  And of course, I had to go in and pick it up, and of course it was super busy, and of course it wasn’t ready for 20 minutes.  Commence weird looks and stupid questions.  Like: Is this where we are supposed to go to get seated? (Don’t know, lady.  Don’t have a name tag, so I can’t figure that out.) Or, “Am I crazy or did Halloween end on the 31st of October?  My answer: “Yes, you are crazy.”

Carry a gun in public – When I went to Orlando to visit a place that wasn’t infested with talking mice(some people call it Disney World), we went to Universal Studios and as we were on our way out, the Despicable Me store had a gun used by Gru called the fart gun.  Normally, I would totally be on board with something like this, but I had been robbed at amusement park point for far too long and getting one more useless thing to carry back with us, was just too much.  But I relented because I was too tired to protest.  So we packed it into our luggage and forgot about it.  As we were leaving the lovely mouse infested city of Orlando, we went through the security line at the airport and got stopped.  “Sir, we’re going to need to see you open your luggage.” They discovered a “gun” in our luggage and I was about to use it on the plane to be a fart terrorist.

Win an award –  There is nothing bitter than getting an award.  Usually it means you did something way better than other people.  You know it and they know it, and it was your hard work that got it, yet when you accept the award you have to pretend that it was all these people in your life that helped you achieve your dreams, when in reality we know it was all us.  All these other people are in your life, but it was you that did all the work.  Otherwise they would have given the award to them.

I'd like to thank myself and no other for this award.

I’d like to thank myself and no other for this award.

Play loud music – A car stereo is made to be blasted to level 38.  So of course, I need to play it at that level.  What other reason would they have put that volume there? Yet for some reason, people think it is okay to give me dirty looks when I blast “It takes Two” by Rob Base and DJ Easy Rock at its highest level.  Hey, I’m just trying to share my poor taste in music with everyone.  And yet, over and over again, I get the annoying question, “CAN YOU TURN THAT DOWN?” and my response is always, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING?”

Get in an accident – When you get in a car accident, glass is flying, metal is being bent and twisted, and smoke is billowing from the engine and the first thing you ask is, “Are you okay?” Really? Come on! How about, “Hey did you learn that maneuver in a movie?” or “How awesome was the spin out after you ran into me?” Some people are just so uncreative when it comes to good questions.

Get injured – Break and arm, or a leg, limp a little or get a little bit of red in your eyes and all of a sudden people think it is free reign on asking you annoying questions.  At least they are consistent with the one stupid question, so you can rehearse your story over and over again, or completely embellish your story every time you tell it so by the time the third person asks you were rescuing a litter of kittens from certain death by volcano by hanging upside down for hours while you pulled them up.

Get someone flowers –  Nothing gets the thumbs up of females in a hundred mile radius by goofy smile than picking up a dozen wilted flowers from a grocery store.  Watch as they speculate and wonder what this fine gentleman did to ruin a poor innocent girl’s life that he had to go get apology flowers for his significant other.  What kind of collossal screw up did this idiot do that he would have to get a dozen more of these…and yet the question is “Are those flowers for your Sweety?” “Nope, for a funeral.”  Why does the look turn hostile all of sudden?

I know this isn’t an extensive list of things you can do to get stupid questions, but I don’t have all day.  I have to get back to doing what I do best.  Doing stupid things that bring about stupid questions.  But I do have final advice for you.  Don’t ever take advice from me.  It only leads to bitterness.

ARRRRRGGGHHHHH

Bitter Surefire Ben

 

 

 

67 thoughts on “Surefire ways to get people to annoy you”

    • There was a contest here on Halloween. It was if you followed my blog, and either Twitter or Facebook, you got to be entered in a contest. I still haven’t done the prize yet, so feel free to follow twitter or Facebook for a chance. If you want the details go check out my post on Halloween.

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    • I was not the killer and I was really upset about it. It was Mr Monty Money, and he killed the Clem the rich banker from the east that won the poker tournament. I felt pretty gypped that I got all dressed up just so I could be not the murderer.

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    • Well, you know someone out there had to have done something by themselves right? And even if there were a bunch of people that did help, couldn’t you also just thank yourself for all the hard work you did instead of pretending that it was all everyone and not you? I mean you are the one that won the award right?

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      • i’ve found that the people who get the awards are the ones who have done the most complaining – “I’m really busy!”, “I’ve worked really hard on this!” and yet the people who knuckle down and do stuff without all the public announcements get jack all. Am I bitter here, it’s the truth!

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    • I was pretty upset. We called them at 12:00 and they said it would only take two hours and we went at 4 pm. I think they were in the back pranking me and laughing at me to see how long I would stay there.

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    • There was a lady that made fun of my skirt on Facebook and I just told them that they were jealous that I looked better in it than she would have. She didn’t respond back. I would love to lose that hat.

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  14. Bad advice is always free! At least you don’t have to get your money back – unless of course – you were dumb enough to pay for it!

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  15. Gahahaha! You got busted for fart terrorism… that’s brilliant! Oh to aspire to such heights! My youngest grandson bought one on our last ski holiday, but fortunately the guards on the Swiss border weren’t too worried about it. They waved our car through, probably thinking we were carrying old cheese across the border into France. Where all old cheese goes to die.

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  16. Someone used my credit card once to buy $700 in flowers. Fortunately, I caught the charge while it was still ‘pending.’ I’m sure I irritated someone by robbing them of their joy of stealing from me.

    I live 2 hours from Disney World. I haven’t been there for over 20 years. There’s a reason for that called $$$$$$ and the fact that it’s boring as hell. Busch Gardens is better. When I was there, you could get free beer and take a shuttle back to your hotel.

    My advice to you is to eat pizza and stay bitter.

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    • I enjoy robbing other people’s joy of stealing from me. I give out my credit card number to other people then call my CC company to tell them that people are stealing from me. It’s a fun way to annoy the theif and my credit card company.
      And about the pizza and bitter, that would be great advice if I didn’t already do that stuff all the time anyways.

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