The Long Lost Bitter Posts Volume 3

/ bensbitterblog
But when the server is down...everyone loses their mind.

But when the server is down…everyone loses their mind.

Of all the things I’ve lost over the years, my mind is the thing that I miss the least. The thing I miss the most is my internet connection.  How else am I supposed to post all my bitter thoughts across all kinds of internet platforms, if I only have two bars? Thinking about stuff is overrated.  I mean who wants to be so smart that they know so many words that no one understands the words they say? You tell me what is more interesting, a lawyer that speaks boring words like torts, adjudicatory hearing, and lawsuit (the suit you wear when you are a lawyer), or an entertainment reporter talking about who people are wearing and what restaurants they are stiffing tips on? The answer of course, is neither of them.  Both of those things require a mind.  But with an internet connection, you don’t need a mind.  You can post things on there and not have any thoughts rattling around in your brains (see this post or any others on this site).  Speaking of things that are lost, here was a post that was written without any thought at all; this week’s lost bitter post:

 

INCH BITTERNESS

A picture of the Youtube video I couldn't post because I'm not smart. Just imagine him saying inspirational stuff about football.

A picture of the Youtube video I couldn’t post because I’m not smart. Just imagine him saying inspirational stuff about football.

I have a favorite speech from a movie that always sends shivers of bitterness up my spine. It is from Any Given Sunday and it is a speech at halftime by Al Pacino to a group of football players that have been bitter with each other. Basically it is about how one tiny action(he uses inches, but I didn’t want to give you sickos any ideas) can make the difference between winning and losing and how we should fight and scratch and claw for every inch(okay fine, go for it). As we know, all halftime speeches apply to our lives and should make us want to fight(for things like the right to party.)

If my parents had just made me 1 inch taller, I could be living the life at the end of an NBA bench.

If my parents had just made me 1 inch taller, I could be living the life at the end of an NBA bench.

So what is a bitter person like me supposed to learn from this speech? Well, I learned that my whole life is about being this close ”(imagine each of those quote things as my fingers showing closeness) to acheiving my dreams. In fact, I was this close ” to being in the NBA. When I was born, I was like 8 pounds 8 ounces and I was 21 inches tall (I guess. It was a long time ago.) If I was 22 inches tall, I would have grown exponentially. If you extrapolate that data, that would have made me 8′ 11 tall and whether I was coordinated or not, I would have been given a permanent gig at the end of an NBA bench. I would have been able to play 3-4 minutes of garbage time every 3-4 games. I also would have been paid the NBA minimum of 300K and no one would ever notice me (except every time I got on the plane and bumped my head). So, of course I blame my parents for not making me quite as tall as they should have.

Also, I was this ” close to being smart. At one point in my childhood I was probably playing outside(do they do that anymore?) and I got hit in the head with a bat. It was probably my fault because I was swinging the bat, but before that, my brain was fully functional. If we again extrapolate the data(doesn’t that word make me sound smart?) I would have turned into a genius party planner and I would have been the envy of the party planning industry. Don’t hate the partier, hate the party. I would have been on magazine cover’s like Scientific America and Genius’ Quarterly and possibly be up for Genius of the Year. Instead of my name being Bitter Ben, I would go by Bitter Bash Throwing Ben. See how different my life would have been if my head was one inch to the left and instead the bat would have hit my foot? Okay so I would have been a famous party planner with a limp, but still, the dream life.

The high society magazine of truth derailed my acting career.

This high society magazine of truth derailed my acting career.

Here is example of how a fraction of a turn changed my life. One time I saw a movie. I thought it was cool and really liked that people got paid a lot of money to act in it. I wanted to be rich and be overshadowed by special effects in cool movies. Even though I wasn’t very good at memorizing things, I wanted to be an actor. Pretending to be someone else is easy, right? I could take classes about memorizing things and the craft of acting. I could practice getting out of a limo and walking on a red piece of carpet and answering the question, “Who are you wearing?” (Answer: This is my friend Powder Blue Tuxedo. What is your friends name?) Then I turned to the side slightly to the side and saw a magazine. It said “The National Enquirer” on the cover. After reading that Micheal J. Fox smoked pot with a 40 foot tall alien and that Keanu Reeves sleeps in an anti-matter chamber, I didn’t want to be an actor. Why did the Inquirer have to derail my dreams of being a bitter bad guy?
So what have we learned? That my parents should have made me taller, that avoiding bats to the head will make you a genius, and reading the National Enquirer prevents you from becoming a famously bitter bad guy. And also your dreams are crushed by inches(again you guys, really?). So change a person’s life by using that little pointy arrow and move it a few inches down to the like button and click on it. And maybe even type words(comment!).

Arrrghhh

Bitter Bash Throwing Ben?

60 thoughts on “The Long Lost Bitter Posts Volume 3”

  2. We had a florist in town called Hollywood Florist. My parents sent me flowers for my 10-12 ish birthday. In those days we dreamed of being “discovered” like the famous actress, Lana Turner. When the doorbell rang, I asked, “Who is it?”
    They answered “Hollywood calling!”
    I ran through the house screaming because I thought I was on my way to becoming a famous movie star, like Lana!
    So, Ben, I know bitterness too.
    Just love, love, love your blog.

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  3. I once rented Any Given Sunday to watch with another couple on New Year’s Eve. The husband brought his elderly parents. I thought it was a feel good football movie that would appeal to the men. What an excruciatingly embarrassing and yes, bitter, experience.And you should be taller.

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    • That sounds like one of those moments where you shouldn’t watch rated R movies with your parents etc. I was just married and my wife went to my parents house for Christmas. She wanted to watch 16 Candles on our portable DVD player and we had forgotten that there was a shower scene and my dad walked in right at the part and he’s like, “WHAT ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING?” It totally embarrased my wife, but I just explained it off.

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  5. I also got rocked in the head by a metal baseball bat as a child. I was at this girl’s birthday party and she had a pinata (always a bad idea), and she thought that a back-swing required as much force as a follow-through. If you ever decide to leave the lucrative world of blogging for party-planning, please avoid pinatas. They’re paper-mache-head-injury-attractors.

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    • A metal bat? No wonder your life is so full of drama! It’s also too bad we didn’t get film of that so we could post it up as a gif! Just kidding. Sorry about that. Sounds painful. If it makes you feel better, I got nailed in the stomach by a fastball once.

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      • Haha, no need to apologize, I wish it was filmed too! In fact, I also got slammed in the nose with a football once and literally said the words, “Oww, my nose!!” (a la Marcia Brady). That would be a great gif as well. Especially when I pulled my hands away and blood just covered my face like I had just eaten a person alive.

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  6. Well what I can say is be glad you weren’t that tall. My Hubby is 6 ft 8 and it’s not easy being that tall. Bumping his head all the time is definitely a problem, most pants don’t fit his height, he stands out and towers over everyone and…He’s always asked how the weather is up there and did he play basketball.

    Then there’s me. I’m 5 ft. 1 so when we’re together, you should see the stairs we get. Hubby hates it, I have fun with it!

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  7. LOL! Yep, I don’t miss my mind much, but I do tend to miss my internet connection. You want to really get bitter, try sitting on help on the tech line. My favorite is when they tell you that all the answers to your internet connection problems can be found on line.

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  8. I always wanted to be a writer, but I didn’t know how to write or spell, so I had to wait. When I finally learned how to write and spell, I spent a whole lot of time in school learning how NOT to write, and then had to spend a whole lot of time re-learning how to write and do it well enough to be a good (or perhaps fair) writer. But that’s a constant process you never perfect, and to add to my bitterness, I am to the point now where I can’t remember what is was I was wanting to write. I blame all meds I’ve been on, my kids when they were young for interrupting me with their petty demands (food, etc.) and of course, I totally blame my ex (but can’t remember why).

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